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"I guess you didn't read my posts above where I admitted deficiencies of my own."

Oh I read your posts. You just wrote... "I know I had a hand in our M drifting apart and I want to correct those issues."

So obviously YOU DIDN"T read MY post to you. I said... "What were some of the issues that you had in the M? Be as detailed as possible."

What you wrote was vague and we can't help you unless you give us more details.

"So I don't quite understand the insinuation that I am covering up anything."

AGAIN, you didn't read my post carefully. I just said to be honest with yourself and the posters here. Look, it's very easy for the LBS to imagine themselves as being flawless. Everyone who first comes here does it. It's not until they can honestly look at themselves and say "you know what? I really wasn't the best guy around because I ...." that you can actually heal, learn and grow to make a better M.

Right now you are at a critical time. Your W only went back to you because the OM isn't available. However, if YOU don't change the things that contributed to her to leave in the first place, she will leave again with a different OM.

But hey, if you don't want the help, I'll help someone who needs it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Hi, are you still around?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Yes, I am here Sandi

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Quote:
Since I found out there has been no contact that I can find. I have been monitoring her email, phone, text and FB and whereabouts.


Does she know you have monitored her activities?

Quote:
So it may be possible they never met, I just don’t know. She did admit that she had told him she loved him but says she didn’t mean it.


What would that mean to you?

Quote:
She said she was sorry but didn’t show a whole lot of other emotion about it. Like it really was no big deal to her, I have some trouble with that.


"Here, let mamma kiss the boo-boo and make all better" is essentially what she is doing. All the sex, daily saying ILY, not wanting to discuss what brought the M to this place, acting as no big deal, and just wanting to happily move forward.............she's trying to get you to settle down and believe there was really nothing to it.

To a woman, an EA can be quite serious b/c it's all about her feelings. Those were very heavy words they were throwing around and a lot of phone time, not to be a big deal. Even if they were never together.....it was still serious.

Be careful, I think you are being played.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Have you considered marriage counciling? I've heard it's great when you have a partner who wants to work on the M. This is your chance to fix things and build a better M, a chance many of us never got.

You're going to need to let her indiscretion go if you want to move past this. Read 5 love languages, it will be a great tool for reconnecting with your W.

Good luck smile


Me 28 W 27
T 10 M 2
No kids (fertility issues - mine)
Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed
W moved out 9/15/14
W dating OM 11/22/14
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Sandi,
Yes, she knows I have been monitoring her communications. I know for fact she is done with the 3 people involved. I personally confonted her brother with a big full family blowup. He is essentially banned from most of the family now. Her serial adulter friend has been similarly dispatched. The OM is gone. She says she wants nothing to do with him anymore and it feels sincere.

As far as how I feel about the ILY to the OM. When she says it to me I feel like it is not real. How do I know when she means it or not? Just words.

I got 5LL from the library yesterday.

Last edited by twb66; 10/08/14 03:51 PM.
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Having read through your thread I strongly suggest that you contact a Divorce Busting Coach. You doubts, fears and questions about the affair, will be addressed and you will know that you are receiving expert advice on how to move forward with this situation. Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Roberta@divorcebusting.com
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Why are you "waiting" for the books at the library? BUY the DB and DR books. Those are ones you should keep for life.

You still haven't listed the things that you may have contributed to cause the downfall of your M. Even if you don't understand why we are asking for this, list them anyway. You won't get it until you read DB.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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If this is not genuine, I think you will eventually be able to tell. Mainly when she grows tired of pretending and falls back into old patterns. If her acting skills are great, she may fool you for a while, but if you really know her well, then her attitude will the measuring stick. Don't judge so much the outward things you see, or even the words she says. Look at the attitude behind it.

Most EA's I have read about does not end as "easily" as your W seems to want you to believe about hers. I mean, they were talking M, right? At least the OM said he wanted her to M him. That had to add some emotional fuel for her. And now he's gone? Why so suddenly without pursuing the woman he "loves"? All it took was you confronting her with evidence......and she acts as if no big deal and it's over? If that is genuine.....then it is one for the book of records around here.

An EA is very addicting and even with strong resolve, is hard to overcome the craving to seek that thrill again. Withdrawal is actually experienced emotionally, and depression following it. It is a tough climb out of that pit. So, that's why I am suspicious of anyone who suddenly starts jumpIng your bones and trying to convince you that the A meant nothing. Btw, look up "gas lighting" and see if anything looks familiar.

She will try to cause you to think you are over reacting to her "friendship" with this OM. When she thinks you've stopped monitoring her activities (which are not worth a dime if she knows she's being watched), she will resume her A......if it ever stopped. More than likely, they agreed to lay low until the coast was clear again. In the meantime, she will act as if everything is cool......but doesn't want to talk about any issues or why this happened.

I suggest she thinks the monitoring has ended and you have relaxed about the whole deal. However, don't encourage her to resume any former relationships. Don't initiate discussions about the A/OM or even the MR. Act as if everything is fine. Observe her and see how things go for two or three weeks. Continue to post here and read the DR book.

Be smart. Don't make any big decisions right now, such as financial investments. Keep an eye on your financial matters (credit cards, bank accounts, etc.).

I hope for your sake she is being truthful, but be smart......watchful......and alert. Btw, has anything like this ever happened in the past?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Sandi. I appreciate your input and advice.

No, she hasn't done this or acted like this before. I will be alert to slipping back. The relationship is a lot better than before but this may be due to the excitement of restarting the romance and may fade at some point. But with learning some better skills reading these suggested books I may keep it from backsliding to where we were.

MrBond. I think I have ample help now and someone else would benefit from your help better than me. Thank you for your interest.

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