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Thanks, raliced.

Just being involved in something different so I can shift my mind's focus onto something, anything, else. Two months ago I thought that would mean I'd just get a job and the time would fly because I'd be so busy... now my journey consists of finding that job. Not as much fun as actually HAVING a job. It certainly doesn't pass the time like having a job does, either (and the pay [censored], too!).

Vossy, thanks for "voss-ifying" my mindreading. You're right. I guess D will be the only child for him and most likely me. And apparently if H and I get back together, I need to accept that we will only have one child - clearly.

ok then, GAL in ways that draw me out instead of draw me in.

>sigh<


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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Ss06, I believe you have suggested you don't need a job so much for the money, so you could always think about taking up a volunteering position or starting your own hobby/job on the web. It definitely helps to do something that occupies your mind and takes thoughts away from the matter at hand..

You say you'll need to accept that you'll only have one child.. but didn't you say you were pushing for the vasectomy?


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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Originally Posted By: vossy
Ss06, I believe you have suggested you don't need a job so much for the money, so you could always think about taking up a volunteering position or starting your own hobby/job on the web. It definitely helps to do something that occupies your mind and takes thoughts away from the matter at hand..


Yes, I agree. I'm planning on talking to D's school to see if they need help in the library or anywhere else that I can assist. I have a small photography business but working from home has me wallowing and I need to not do that.

Quote:
You say you'll need to accept that you'll only have one child.. but didn't you say you were pushing for the vasectomy?


I know. It's contradictory... as are my feelings on the matter.

We'd both decided that D was PLENTY and that we were satisfied with being one and done. I asked H to schedule a V and 3 years later was still asking.

Then I started to wonder if I was really done. I know D would love a sibling and I loved having siblings so. It was something in the back of my mind but with how hard baby-hood hit our marriage and my PPD I just didn't think it was possible.

Now, sort of out of the blue he's scheduled a V while we're separated. I can see us being perfectly satisfied with just one child but I can't help but wonder if he's going for the V so he doesn't get into some pregnancy scare with someone else. You know how the mind works there. Plus, I guess it's something I assumed you'd say to your wife (separated or not) before she had to ask.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I can definitely agree with you there. Separated or not, hearing about the operation simply "in passing" doesn't feel right.

I have to admit, though, something about your H's actions have struck a chord. In the past few days, you've written about three occasions where he has mentioned something "in passing" and my feeling is that he wants you to ask him or probe further about them: (1) the operation; (2) his going away for a night currently; and (3) his going away later (I think it was November).

I could be wrong, and maybe I'm just mindreading your H now, but that was my first thought on each of those occasions.


M: 31 H: 36
T: 10.5 (not married)
BD: 10/13
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Ss, does he know that you were waffling about being done? If not, then the V might be a 180 for your benefit, in his mind.


Me: 33 Him: 35
T: 13 M: 11
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SS,

While I understand that hearing about the v in an offhand way may have been unsettling , it sounds like your h has decided he doesn't want any other kids. Period. I don't see (and it would be guessing anyway) any ulterior motives or whether or not it specifically relates to you. I don't mean that harshly-just that your h has decided 1 kid is enough for him regardless of what the future holds.

Hang in there:)

Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/06/14 12:00 AM.


3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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The V could be a positive. Reminds me of my H, he's more actions than words. Maybe he's doing the V because it was something that you had nagged about and he thinks will make you happy? Seriously, that's totally something my H would do.

Although in the end all this speculation is all futile...and more mind reading. Just offering that there are MANY possibilities and you really don't know..


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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Ss, I think you made the best mind-reading play. It's for all of the amazing sex he wants to have with YOU without worrying about contraceptives. That thought does two things: puts a smile on your face and shows you how ridiculous mind reading is. I think the only sure thing we can say about our WAS's is that they don't have a grand plan that they're sure about. Even most of the WAS's who have filed or have already been through the D probably have second thoughts.

you know what you need to do, though (GAL, etc). I totally understand your rut. I was there 2-3 weeks ago. keep pursuing it and it will turn around. Can't wait to hear it when you turn back around. And I know that DB.com says this forum isn't intended for people to meet, but it would be amazing for you west coast gals to find a way to have a girls weekend

For a little entertainment, and to say "at least my M isn't THAT", go see Gone Girl. And if you haven't read the book, read it. Read anything from Gillian Flynn.

Also, I'm not out west, but I go to bed really late, so I seem to be on here at the same time as you guys, too. This forum has been a life saver at times for me


Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
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Just got back from dinner with D and H to celebrate D passing her yellow karate belt test yesterday. We took her to her favorite restaurant and laughed and laughed. It was really fun.

I was quite at first. He arrived with yellow flowers for D (for the color of her belt) and at first I was hurt because "what about me" but this whole thing is for her and I'm so proud of her... this is NOT about our relationship or our separation. I needed a second to remember that. Gah.

H wanted to hit the book store before heading home. His IC recommended Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection for him to read and he wanted to pick it up. They didn't have it but D got sucked into the kids book section (she's a huge reader, i'm so proud) so he and I were talking and whatnot. I steered clear of "how's therapy?" and "so where were you last night?" and just kept it light. We laughed and then then reminisced to the days when D loved the little Boynton board books and we read them 10,000 times a day to her.

Anyway, when we got home D wanted to give H a gift she'd made (well I made it but she helped). It's a little terrarium of succulents that she picked out. He looked at me and thanked me. I told him I hoped it brought some life to his apartment. He jokingly said that it was like The Professional's apartment. It had no life like some assassin lived there. I said, "well now you have the plant that Natalie Portman carried everywhere in the film, just don't teach the kid how to shoot a sniper rifle, ok?" He smiled and thanked me again.

All in all a good night.

I think perhaps H is looking for signs that I'm interested in him. Sort of along the lines of what you're saying vossy. I think he wants me to ask more about things, be more interested. I've been trying to give him space and not be too nosy lest it be seen as controlling and pursuing but I'm going to go with my gut on this one more and ask about things in a conversational way (as opposed to a confrontational or aggressive way of course). Let him know I'm interested in what is going on in his life, how he feels about it, etc.

Georgiabelle and mdu, I think you're right. H isn't the kind of guy to think to hard about things like this. He doesn't want more kids. What's the next step? V. Done and done. I think it's something he's doing because it was on the list for so long. No other reason.

I just want to be clear about the V. It's not like he's doing something against my wishes. I was more shocked he'd do something like that without securing someone to care for him (like me) or drive him. I mean, I'm assuming that's not the kind of thing you want your mother to care for you over but maybe I'm wrong. LOL Plus, I thought that during a separation was a pretty interesting time to have something like that done. Then again, my H has a very interesting priority list and I'm learning that it's HIS and not MINE so I'm letting go.

Card, I think I'm going to go see Gone Girl alone next weekend. I loved the book and can't wait. I've never been to a movie by myself.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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I hadn't either until tonight. I also had never seen a movie AFTER reading the book. That was fun!

Maybe your H didn't give a second's thought, but I would consider it progress if my W told me a thing that her IC discussed with her. She sees her ever 3-4 weeks and I have no clue what they discuss (although I could make a few guesses).

And I don't blame you for feeling bewildered about the V decision/timing. Don't let it eat you up, but also don't feel bad for wondering. It is strange that he only mentioned it in passion. Maybe he's reading Sandi's rules (being mysterious) lol

Congrats to your D on the yellow belt! That's also really exciting about her learning Swan Lake. I remember my first "real" song (Fur Elise), the beginner's version (only the main theme, not the harder middle sections). That's when piano went from a chore to an interest (and eventually a passion) for me. And that was 6 or 7 years later than your D. Really awesome stuff

Last edited by Card29; 10/06/14 05:43 AM.

Me 30, STBX 30
D3
M 8 years
BD 6/3/14
S 7/26/14
Off-and-on. PA since BD. Possibly "off" since Winter 2015?
Light Switch/I'm Over Her 12/31/14
D finalized 1/10/16
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