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Here is what Michelle says about exposure....
Just sayin.......

Quote:
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

Additionally, several people have contacted my office feeling that they had been personally attacked for not following this sort of advice. This community was started many years ago and we rarely get such complaints. Confronting others by calling names or pressuring them will not be tolerated. These tactics are not reflective of the Divorce Busting spirit.

Have a great day,

Michele


Justin Credible
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Originally Posted By: NmW NmW
Thank you all-it's a very confusing one.

Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.


Sandi-your input is very thorough!! read DB & DR arrived today. I have also read some other useful resources. I have 3 sessions with a DB coach and but at the moment I am very conflicted.

The DB coach will greatly assist you in gaining clarity. But LISTEN to them, take their advice, and do not mix too many approaches here. For instance, Dobson's approach is closer to a tough love one, and it CAN work, but it's NOT a DB approach.

It's not really fair to any of the approaches to mix them up (or be so inconsistent), and you won't be able to accurately assess what IS working and what is Not. Fair enough?


My steps so far (natural & instinctive as opposed to anything I read) was to apply a bit of both approaches


Please don't, for reasons stated above. Unless I'm misunderstanding you.


-I exposed to our families


Just so you know, I completely disagree with exposure and so does DB.

There are many reasons I say this and we can go into detail sometime if you wish. But suffice to say it sure can backfire on YOU b/c you will usually be seen as punitive or vindictive or manipulative (trying to shame her into coming home with her tail between her legs).

I also doubt your wife thinks it helped HER to have them know.
In fact I think she's using her guilt "how can we work out after what I have done?" To keep her from having to try at all. And if the WAW thinks that the LBS is going to make her climb MT Everest before he'll even consider "taking her back", she may well say "no thanks, why bother?"

Plus, don't forget, SHE had at least some reasons FOR the affair, so pretending that it's just 100% wrong on her end, AND that you played no part in it, does not help YOU or your cause. Again, It makes it harder for her to imagine you guys getting past this, ever. Which she is telling you.

So yes, imo, It makes it harder for the WAS to come back.

My DB coach said "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth".

Please do not confuse this^^^ piece of advice with being a "doormat", b/c when you fully understand the DB coach's advice, you will see that it is soooo NOT doormat behavior...
And, a "paved smooth road home" does Not mean "have no boundaries".

But it CAN mean, do NOT expose b/c the more people who know, the harder it will be for her to come home. And the more anger you show her about the A, the harder it will be for her to imagine you ever letting go of it.

-

who we are very close to and closest friends.

Rather than ask you why you did this, I'd ask you to ask yourself what your real goal was in doing so. Controlling, manipulating, shaming, guilting, or "just sharing all our initimate secrets"... Seriously, I am leaving it at that.



I have also been warm, no anger, judgement and accepted I was equally to blame (this opened her heart to me again and was critical for understanding and have got ok with my own life while lovingly distancing.

Well, you are vague and speaking in general terms here ^^, but may I assume you used more specifics when talking to your wife? Specificity leads to believability.


I was on vacation for 2 weeks and returned last Tuesday-on the Wednesday I ha a concert with my father in law and when collecting him visited my mother in law and wife/she commented on how well I looked, questioned where I was on holiday and my father in law commented that she was visibly shaken (surprised by this).

Can anyone help me digest this conflicting information?

Thanks jn advance for your time


I don't know what the question is. Sorry. Also, fwiw, and since I can't write more now, I will chime in to agree with Sandi that you do NOT need to tell your wife how much you love her and will wait for her and blah blah again.

Don't beg and plead, etc. If I can't grasp what type of h you were like or what type of marriage you two had, it's hard to advise.

But DO tell us something. You were very vague about the accident and its affect on you and how you treated your wife. What do you think changed?

I need a lot more insight about that to know what the heck you mean. HOW did you treat your w differently then?

Do you recall it much, or were you on a lot of pain meds? I only ask that b/c I had surgery last Thanksgiving and I have no recall of Christmas or New Years Eve b/c I was in pain and then medicated.( I THINK I was pleasant.... crazy )

Til I know more about that, I can't help with the 180s.

But what do you think your wife would say

SHE THINKS YOU NEED TO WORK ON?

And of those^^^ which, if any, would YOU care to work on?



.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Mr Bond, Sandi, Spartan-thanks so much for your responses.

To answer some of the questions. Regarding my accident. The short version is that my wife and I were on vacation. I got attacked and suffered a fractured skill, post concussion syndrome and bleeding/swelling on my brain. I was off work for 2 months, we moved in to my in laws for a while while I recovered and I wasn't allowed to participate in sports etc for over 6 months (this was always my 'free time and escape'-the aftermath of the effects weren't in any way immediate-everyone told me I recovered too quickly and needed to slow down as it would come back to bite me but I was just happy to be aloe and wanted normality back-I think the mental effect came 5-6 months later.

Regarding our relationship-I know many would say this but we had an incredibly close relationship (we don't drink very often and aren't into the bar scene really-I don't remember the last time we got really drunk). People always referred to us as the perfect couple and we spent so much quality time together,were very close to our families and were always very happy in each other company (even if we were doing nothing)-how this dynamic changed was from Feb through to May I became very withdrawn from
Most of my close relationships (friends and wife), became very quiet and only wanted to spend time with my wife (even though when we were together I was quiet and unattentive)-at one point I remember telling her I felt worthless-she asked me why I meant and I said I couldn't explain it, throughout that time she reached out by showing me more love but I just wasn't myself (I only see this looking back)-I've been seeing a therapist and we put this down to a number of areas which caught up on me. My wife cried one of the times we met while she has been away and said she can't understand why this happened because she always thought we were different and special.

Regarding the exposure-it wasn't in any way a strategy to be vindictive or shame her-when I found out (she told me) we drove straight to her parents and told them, my wife was in a very bad way mentally and I called her best friend to come and told her what happened. My wife then (in the week that followed) asked me to tell my friends and she told her 2 other closest friends. My friends & brother has had contact with her since and told her they are here for her-she told me about this and told me how much it means to her. I know she holds no ill feeling towards me for telling her parents, is ashamed she has let them down and knows they (and I) don't judge her for heat she did-I genuinely believe this happened because of our lack of communication/attention throughoutbthose months-going from everything to nothing is almost more difficult than a slow gradual decline-as well as weakness on her part to deal with her feelings when she was taking some time to work things out in her head-i believe this OM pulled her in subconsciously even if he gave her 1% of the attention I wasn't giving her.

The approach I am going to follow is the DB approach but I know I can't initiate contact-when I do she withdraws

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Sorry guys-one last question.

Using the above DB approach and having patience, understanding things are a process etc-assuming the affair has ended after that first night when she told me which I feel is the case....if they are still seeing each other everyday in work will this jeopardize my chances of reconciliation?if so what should I do?

Thanks in advance

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well you said a few things that can guide you already.

You said when you contact her or reach out, she withdraws. DING DING DING!!

Do not initiate contact anymore b/c there ^^ is your answer.

IT's not helping and the fundamental, simple yet different approach of DBing, is to

Do more of what works and do less or none of what hurts the marriage.


As for what to do LATER ON, that's not really your decision to make at this time, is it? As for what you might be thinking, it depends.

Again, Not your call to make until/unless she says she wants to stay committed to you. IF that time comes, you'll need to figure some things out. For now, ask yourself a few or all of the following questions,

JUST so you will have given it thought, okay?


She works with this OM and so, what does that mean? Is it one huge conglomerate or a small office so they'd have to keep in contact on a daily basis?

Would they have to be alone ever, OR a lot, or could she make arrangements to never be alone with him?

Or would a transfer out be the only possible way for her to handle it?

What, if anything, does she say she feels for him, now?

And for you? And though I assume you had some PTSD (as a veteran myself and the wife of an Army doctor, I know it to be a real problem of dynamic effect, so don't pooh pooh it, which I guess you are not doing now)

are you improving? Can you discuss any of that with your wife, so that she can believe one crucial thing ---

The crucial thing she must believe is that

marriage to you

can be better/different than before.

And you have to believe that too. Can you?


That's all I have for now but do keep posting!


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: NmW NmW
Sorry guys-one last question.

Using the above DB approach and having patience, understanding things are a process etc-assuming the affair has ended after that first night when she told me which I feel is the case....

assume FOR NOW, that this^^^ is all true. Still does not mean she is ready to recommit, and she will need to believe that No one is going to throw this in her face down the road...Assuming all that....let's look at the rest of this AND the questions I just posed to you in the previous post...

if they are still seeing each other everyday in work will this jeopardize my chances of reconciliation?


Well It won't help. As for whether it will definitively hurt your chances, that depends on HOW SHE FEELS about him and you and marriage to you.

Which you do not know. You cannot know that yet so you are asking questions that only time and HER HEART can begin to answer...you control neither.

All you can do is GAL and DETACH from the outcome. Do you understand that?

if so what should I do?

Thanks in advance



What is it that you believe you CAN do to control the outcome of these questions?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 288
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NmW,

I noticed a member or two on the other site you have been visiting didn't speak too highly of this site or people giving advice on this site huh? One classy individual actually said this.. I kid you not... "Stop dealing and talking to unhappily married and/or unhappily divorced clueless online marriage counselor want-to-be's"

How classy huh?

Here's the actual quote...

Quote:
other forums will try to trick you into moving on (via things like the 180 plan or GAL) believing that there is nothing you can actually do to speed up the process so you should just sit and wait (LIMBO) and/or simply tricking you into beginning an individual recovery because they believe that's what's best for you (even though you didn't ask for advice that was simply best for you but rather you asked for advice about saving your marriage).

@@@@(site name) is your best shot. Stop dealing and talking to unhappily married and/or unhappily divorced clueless online marriage counselor want-to-be's and start implementing professionally designed and time-tested @@@@ methods for actually saving your marriage. Time is of the essence.



Now that's a class act huh?...


Justin Credible
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Thanks guys

I'm in this for the long haul. Her heart doesn't have a space for me now but that's not to say it won't in the future. I have left things in a way that when she does remember me it will be with warmth and if she does then decide to return I will be ready. I'm not optimistic but will always hold some hope.

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Glad you're in this for the long haul because this process takes a long time. Since it is such a long haul and you can't predict the future or what her decisions/ time table are what are you doing to work on you?

Any activities you're trying, good books, etc... Do you have an idea of changes you want to see in yourself since you have time to concentrate on yourself? What are traits you wish you had or were better at?

My take on most all these things is you need to figure out who you really want to be and become that person for you. If in doing that your W comes back that's great and you'll now have a strong foundation to start over with. If she decides not to because of her own stuff then you'll still have made strides in becoming who you want to be.


Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are

Turn your trials into your testimonies

Don't believe everything you think

Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
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