WAW + divorce filed, Becoming-V2 - part 1

[B-V2]

F: thank you very much for again having taken the time to follow up my thread and helping me with all what you have learned, it means more to me than I can ever express here.

B-V2,

Sounds like you handled that just fine …and well done on NC! Try keeping it that way for now and see what happens.

Many LBH “invents” things that they find very important to address immediately (BTDT) and therefore I believe the 48 hour rule will do you good from hereon.
If you find yourself thinking about contacting W then wait at least 48 hours. If your have to make decisions or statements that include W in anyway then consider doing the same. DBing is counterintuitive and therefore our instincts are often wrong. Sandi2s rules are so easy to read but very hard to follow as you might have learned reading through threads in here. The reason for that is that they work against our instincts.

Your 48 hour wait rule is a very good one, which I will start applying. And yes: I did slip some days ago exactly like you wrote: " LBH “invents” things that they find very important to address immediately...".

The WAW is hard to understand and that goes for your W as well! She might be happy, she might not – my belief is that most WAWs go through many of the same feelings as the LBH. The despair, the hurt, the anger and so on but that this is combined with the feeling of relief. The decision they make has been on their minds for a long time and they have not been happy in the R – BD removes that pressure and many WAWs almost seems to celebrate BD for a short time. They announce it to the world, buy new clothes, start going out and just seems plain happy - for a short time. The reality kicks in and other feelings get mixed in with the relief (I am not saying this is what your W is experiencing) So the roller coaster applies here as well as you write.

Very well description of my W and what she has done till date as well, also your bit about "...mixed with relief.". That relief comes also that thus far all has gone as she had in mind and all is more or less done now, apart that the missing me part has not really happened yet for her.
I think as we have been too much stuck in the being very good ex/"friends" mode, as caused by myself, never mind my done NC's and awaiting her initiating contact towards me...

Bottomline is that you won’t know and it doesn’t matter. What matter here is you working on you! You need to get to a happy place without your W because once there the self-confidence, the smile, the positive outlook and so on will return and that attracts! Many LBHs tries to turn this around by reading about attraction to save time or cut a corner, but it doesn’t work. You need the basics (YOU) set first and you have to be you on an honest foundation. Yes, you can play games (BTDT) but you will fall through and come out false or shifting. You need to be you – maybe a different you but still with a strong foundation in values and beliefs. That is why this takes a long time and at some point you will get the “she is giving you a gift”.

The act as if applies to the above. Act as if you have already found your happy place and then save the tears and grieving for when you are alone. The act as if applies in all your interactions with other people. You can pick a few close friends that you trust and talk with them. My advice would be to either pick zero (and do the talking here) or make sure that the ones you pick have absolutely no contact with your W. Stop talking about your W unless asked. Stop talking about anything that has connection to relationships, divorce or likewise unless asked.

Act happy until you become happy! Act as if your W is never coming back and make yourself the happiest man in that light! Make this about you!
F

"Act as if" I have been doing for many months now, and there are some times where I do not feel that it is only "act": that is when my self-confidence, and my genuine real smile + real PMA is really there as I can notice such immediately with interactions with others - and I know that is indeed attractive. More work ongoing by me to really be in that state permanently.

F: please keep your hard earned learning and advices coming, and continue to give it to me straight - that is how I learn and implement fastest.

[B-V2]

Journaling:

There were some text exchanges on last week Friday with W, as I was obviously too eager to respond (rather than to wait for at least 48 hours) to her positive job hunting results.

Then on Sunday she invited me to join her for a concert in the evening for which she had tickets. As I happen to like the artist, and had ask her if it was her going to be with her friends (whoever that might include) and her reply being that it was just going to be her and me, I decided to go with her.
We had some drinks before, and I listening and validated while looking her in her eyes and we had nice interactions all the time - all smooth and sometimes (old familiar for me) signs of attraction from her side. The concert was good, we both enjoyed it.
On the way back I asked at some moment about going to sleep every evening by oneself (wrong subject, as this might be interpreted in so many wrong ways!), and her response was that I should be used to that now. That made me say a divorce related remark (as in: I am not used to it as I did not wanted her divorcing me), which although perhaps "right" did not add to being "happy" and was totally unnecessary from my part as she already knows that very well. So an awkward ending...

I do not have any illusion at the moment that my W is really missing me at all (i.e. she is not, because I have allowed too many interactions in the last four months) let alone anything beyond that, so back to Fartiltre advice: "act as if your W is never coming back and make yourself the happiest man in that light! Make this about you!"

And so I will.

[Fartiltre]

I would take her invitation as a positive or at least a non-negative. She obviously still wants to spend time with you or perhaps you are a plan B – but she doesn’t want you completely out of her life! I also believe that you did right in accepting her invite but try making it a rule that you do not cancel other appointments to be with W and then get your schedule filled with GAL!!

Do not in any way interpret invitations, her helping you with something, her calling you or initiating contact in other ways as anything else than a non-negative! It is not an invitation to R-talk, it is not an invitation to tempchecking – it is nothing but a small thing that you can celebrate internally.

Many LBH takes these small things as something very positive and feels an urge to talk about it with the WAW or they try to change the interaction into a deep talk about something R-related. DON’T!
(You have tried this more than once – stop it! She is the only one from here on that should initiate R-talk and likewise)

Keep the convo light and about matters that can’t be related to R or D in any way. If you remember Sandi2s advice from my thread consider yourself the pleasant, nice and kind neighbor that chitchat’s with other residents in the neighborhood. Your W is the very nosey neighbor that you want to have a decent relation with only because you live door to door. Don’t talk about deep issues, personal matters or anything like it.

Keep up your good work with listening and validating!

If you find the convo part hard (I surely did) then read up on the subject but case is that the more you GAL the easier it will get. GAL is the way to relieve stress, to forget about the sit for a while, to have a meaningful life, to make the most of your time and much more, but GAL-activities also makes good subjects to talk about! Remember that GAL is something you do with other people – not alone!

If you already feel that the act-as-if is turning into to real business then you are doing fine – keep the good work going!

You seem to be doing just fine - but journal more often and not only about interactions with W!!
What is going on in your life?
How are those 180s working out for you?
Other GAL activities than Salsa? You mentioned going out – where do you go?
How are the new friendships coming up?
Read you first post again – are you on track?

You don’t need to answer the above Qs – they are just meant as a little inspiration! I will follow you and hopefully a VET will chime in at some point as well