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Journaling:

Had a major setback/"crash" last weekend 10-12th October, by losing my positive "mojo" and ending up with interaction with W because of her feeling very worried - which equate to me as me being "needy"...

What happened:
I had been reading a lot more and thinking about what made us slowly growing apart during the last year or so, and W losing the connection/giving up without me fully noticing. I realized - in simple terms, in reality it is of course much more complicated than that - that we were caught in the mutual circle of negatively amplification of not longer giving to each other the real love we both need(ed).
And that made me extremely sad to realize, because for me to give out love is a very conscious (not even a) choice and not just a feeling that one day stops and then is simply lost forever. And not having done so from my side for a while, without even me realizing it fully, was/is so out of character for me.

A bit later on I then sent out a text to a relative of my W, so to thank for always sending out good positive energy and being there. And this was almost immediately answered with a text reply...by my W if I was doing OK (as they were both together at that time).
And that totally took me of my guard, and rather than thinking it over I responded with just a "no" reply - as was my true feeling at that moment: I was crashed and was crying to the bone. That let to an immediate call from her (as she was very worried about my possible state, as she said so) and a follow up walk & talk the next day.

Only towards the end of the walk & talk did I started to talk about loose of connection, and what I had figured out about that for myself (see above). She only acknowledge that she had lost connection.
Additionally I went into my pain from BD till now, and that the only main positive I could see from that deep and long pain being the confirmation that all we did have before (i.e. the good relationship for at least 16 out of 18 years, from her point of view) was totally real for me. She did confirmed that, stating if all fake we would not feel all that pain for so long.
Then I stated that I was also hurt of no interest from her side what so ever of me seeing a shrink as of from immediately BD day and onward, which is a huge thing for me (and she knows that).

I thereby definitely broke Newbie Guidelines/Rules To Survive item 39:
39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

Why I still did that: talking about real emotions and true feelings is a 180 for me. By exposing these to her, I hoped that she would open up on her real emotions and true feeling to me too - whatever they would be. I was also thinking that in real terms we are already divorced (because we are: separated, assets divided and paid out, and only the final paper is outstanding), so what else is there to loose?

Then I ended up asking how she sees us now going forward: best friends, or nothing or what? She started to cry and when I asked what she really wanted her answer was this:
" Leave me alone, because I feel that you pressurize me in having to make a choice and I do not know what I want. I am not ready to go on dates with you. Please do not wait for me, but go on with your life. "
I told her not to worry about me, and we both left. I am still confused about her reply as she is till not fully direct to me. Is this her indirect non-confrontation version of "I am fully done, please never ever see me again"?

I really need to detach and work on me exclusively!


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
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Thank you so much for sharing this experience. I feel I'm right on the other side, just before doing the same thing. In fact, I'm impressed you got to the end of the walk before bringing up the R. Your story tells me that I should keep my distances for now and wait longer until my W shows more than a little interest in passing.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Take the pressure TOTALLY off her - TOTALLY!!

You do NOT know where she is, what it is her mind or what will happen and you can't trust what comes out of her mouth!

Start working you! Stop wondering about her state of mind - it will do you absolutely no good!

I understand that this is so easy to say and so F'ing hard to do but it is the ONLY way to move forward right now!

Stop calling her!
No R-talk at all unless she initiates.
Read Sandi2’s rules every morning
Journal more often in here - it will help you take off the tension and it will help you clarify the thoughts in your mind.
Find out what kind of man you want to be and then start transforming yourself into this man.

Originally Posted By: B-V2
I really need to detach and work on me exclusively!

Detachment comes with time but you can start acting as if! IMHO you can’t decide to detach. Detachment follows automatically if you do the work!
I fully agree on the "work on me" - THAT'S your prime (if not only) focus

About the letter……
With this development and her statement about pressure I would seriously give the letter some more thoughts. I recommend that you do not send it – it will (no matter what) put further pressure on her!

Originally Posted By: B-V2
Is this her indirect non-confrontation version of "I am fully done, please never ever see me again"?
My guess is that not even she knows right now! ….furthermore if it is so, it can easily change tomorrow. I have seen it many times here!
….BUT do look at her this way!
If she is really totally gone for good what will make you the best and happiest man on earth. Case is that good, happy and self-confident men attracts women and that goes for your W as well.

So start defining what will make you happier tomorrow than yesterday! Make the list and get to work. This will not be over in a few days but the sooner you start working the faster you will get through and maybe you W will follow you!


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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B-V2,
Even though the text you sent had a positive message, reaching out to W's relative is a no-no and against sandi's rules. If you look back at the chain of events, you can trace it back to that catalyst.

Perhaps in your mind you felt that having this open conversation with her would give you a better understanding of the situation, but you only ended up feeling worse in the end.

Next time, try to hold back on your impulses to communicate with her and her family.

You need to drop the rope and move on with your life. Perhaps in the months to come she will attempt to reconnect with you, but right now she is giving you a clear message that she wants you to back off. And it will not attract her if you are needy and upset. It will have the opposite effect. When you are feeling that way, try reaching out to your own friends and family and this board instead. We all need to vent our emotions.

Stay strong!


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
Thank you so much for sharing this experience. I feel I'm right on the other side, just before doing the same thing. In fact, I'm impressed you got to the end of the walk before bringing up the R. Your story tells me that I should keep my distances for now and wait longer until my W shows more than a little interest in passing.


Mozza, yes: keep your distance, read and re-read sandi2's rules (while understanding that those are not iron-glad rules) often and understand that while we LBS's go through the roller coaster ride, so does the WAW/S. Just on different cycles/depths and up's and down of it.

The following has served me well too thus far:
- Practicing on how to STFU most of the time while listening and replying with proper validation (which is not the same as agreeing with everything said) while looking them in the eyes when they talk is another great help and tool (as per sandi2's rule 25), and not only for this crisis.
- Be the one who ends meetings at the right moment (as you are busy and having a live) and then to leave. That, instead of sitting and dragging it out and then have an awkward ending/departure. Good to keep in mind for your upcoming lunch meeting next week and beyond.
- First healing ourselves is key. And as you do not want to "rinse repeat" and bring the same problems into the next relationship (with whoever that will be), it helps to be self critical as we can only change ourselves.

Last edited by B-V2; 10/22/14 08:48 PM.

Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 28
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
B-V2,
...
You need to drop the rope and move on with your life. Perhaps in the months to come she will attempt to reconnect with you, but right now she is giving you a clear message that she wants you to back off. And it will not attract her if you are needy and upset. It will have the opposite effect. When you are feeling that way, try reaching out to your own friends and family and this board instead. We all need to vent our emotions.

Stay strong!


Thanks Ahoy for keeping on following my thread and providing your feedback, I appreciate that a lot (even though my own posts and follow up's are slow and in between)!
You are so correct, and after that I went back to LRT and NC and concentrating on me and GAL. More to come in me journaling here.


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 28
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Originally Posted By: Fartiltre
Take the pressure TOTALLY off her - TOTALLY!!

You do NOT know where she is, what it is her mind or what will happen and you can't trust what comes out of her mouth!

Start working you! Stop wondering about her state of mind - it will do you absolutely no good!

I understand that this is so easy to say and so F'ing hard to do but it is the ONLY way to move forward right now!
...


F: very wise and so true feedback (as you have: BTDT), thank you so much for sharing and further informing me.

Finding out what kind of man I want to be and starting transforming myself into that man, is under way and my work in progress for some months already.

And I am not sending any letter, not now and not for a long time.

More info by me keeping on journaling here.


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
Joined: Mar 2013
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BTDT smile -exactly!

But there is one more thing to this! At some point I actually thought I took the pressure of her but I didnt!
Go through my threads from august last year and you will find advice give to me from Sandi2, LTH (LoveTheHub) and others that guided me through the start of LRT. These advices might help you! It was and still is invaluable to me. I would be nowhere today without it!

Make this about you and only you - but optimize your chances by learning about how to handle the interaction you have with W smile


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Journaling:

W contacted me in the past day about a bill (I have been on 100.0% NC), and if I wanted to join her for lunch today after she had done a job interview. I confirmed, and we did lunch for about 40 minutes today.

Almost a complete "180" from the earlier 12th October ending talk from her, and thereby proving so right what Fartiltre wrote on 10/18: "My guess is that not even she knows right now! ….furthermore if it is so, it can easily change tomorrow. I have seen it many times here! ".
All part of both of our roller coaster rides...

She was happy (as she has several job interviews lined up now, which is super important for her - as per my first post) and conversation was light. Mostly her telling and showing (phone pictures) what has and is going on in her life and me validating. She did probed me a few time, like for example: "are you going to keep holidays (as she knows I still have some weeks left for this year 2014)?" which I confirmed (because I will and I do have plans) but did not gave any details while bringing the conversation immediately back to her with other subjects. Nor did I share any other details of my GAL activities till date.

When I ended the lunch (back to my work) she asked for a big hug, something she had not asked for anymore for several last times. And I would lie if I wrote that I did not liked that.

I am fully aware that I was just her Mr. Nice Guy (and yep: I have bought and read NMMNG although that is not entirely me), available for lunch with her so to fill up her day. Hence I am not going to see this as any big turn around or anything more than what it was: a pleasant lunch meeting.
Still I saw some glimpses every now and then on her face and body language from past good times interactions and laughs between us, from way before BD times (like in last year and before). Having written that, at the same time no any false hope from my side and back to NC and continue working on myself.

And feedback/insight/2*4's: let me know as I am not made from sugar.


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
Joined: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,160
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B-V2,

Sounds like you handled that just fine smile …and well done on NC! Try keeping it that way for now and see what happens.

Many LBH “invents” things that they find very important to address immediately (BTDT) and therefore I believe the 48 hour rule will do you good from hereon.
If you find yourself thinking about contacting W then wait at least 48 hours. If your have to make decisions or statements that include W in anyway then consider doing the same. DBing is counterintuitive and therefore our instincts are often wrong. Sandi2s rules are so easy to read but very hard to follow as you might have learned reading through threads in here. The reason for that is that they work against our instincts.

The WAW is hard to understand and that goes for your W as well! She might be happy, she might not – my belief is that most WAWs go through many of the same feelings as the LBH. The despair, the hurt, the anger and so on but that this is combined with the feeling of relief. The decision they make has been on their minds for a long time and they have not been happy in the R – BD removes that pressure and many WAWs almost seems to celebrate BD for a short time. They announce it to the world, buy new clothes, start going out and just seems plain happy - for a short time. The reality kicks in and other feelings get mixed in with the relief (I am not saying this is what your W is experiencing) So the roller coaster applies here as well as you write.

Bottomline is that you won’t know and it doesn’t matter. What matter here is you working on you! You need to get to a happy place without your W because once there the self-confidence, the smile, the positive outlook and so on will return and that attracts! Many LBHs tries to turn this around by reading about attraction to save time or cut a corner, but it doesn’t work. You need the basics (YOU) set first and you have to be you on an honest foundation. Yes, you can play games (BTDT) but you will fall through and come out false or shifting. You need to be you – maybe a different you but still with a strong foundation in values and beliefs. That is why this takes a long time and at some point you will get the “she is giving you a gift”.

The act as if applies to the above. Act as if you have already found your happy place and then save the tears and grieving for when you are alone. The act as if applies in all your interactions with other people. You can pick a few close friends that you trust and talk with them. My advice would be to either pick zero (and do the talking here) or make sure that the ones you pick have absolutely no contact with your W. Stop talking about your W unless asked. Stop talking about anything that has connection to relationships, divorce or likewise unless asked.

Act happy until you become happy! Act as if your W is never coming back and make yourself the happiest man in that light! Make this about you!
F


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
_______________________________
Do or do not – there’s no try.
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