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B-V2, the best way to get people to comment on your postings is to visit their threads too. Even as a newbie you have valuable perspective on what you see in people's postings, and if you don't, then just saying you were there and offering support can get people interested in you. I don't have many men visiting my thread (which is super long and overly wordy, so just catch up where you are!!) but I do find their perspective useful just to help me understand gender differences.

You seem to have absorbed the teachings in the postings pretty well with the journey, making yourself a person only a fool would leave, etc. Know it, but go on your journey and let yourself be surprised to see what you learn. Don't worry about asking for 2x4s. They aren't the only way to learn. Sometimes just seeing yourself from someone else's eyes can be surprising and thought-provoking.

Hope you're doing OK. You're in for a wild ride. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Welcome aboard B-V2.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
B-V2, the best way to get people to comment on your postings is to visit their threads too. Even as a newbie you have valuable perspective on what you see in people's postings, and if you don't, then just saying you were there and offering support can get people interested in you. I don't have many men visiting my thread (which is super long and overly wordy, so just catch up where you are!!) but I do find their perspective useful just to help me understand gender differences.

You seem to have absorbed the teachings in the postings pretty well with the journey, making yourself a person only a fool would leave, etc. Know it, but go on your journey and let yourself be surprised to see what you learn. Don't worry about asking for 2x4s. They aren't the only way to learn. Sometimes just seeing yourself from someone else's eyes can be surprising and thought-provoking.

Hope you're doing OK. You're in for a wild ride. smile


Hi Maybell, thank you for your follow up and I definitely will visit several other people's threads (have just started to do so).
I'm doing OK and can always do better, and am aware that my journey has just started and some way to go still (understatement). A large part of the wild ride it up to me/us, isn't it?


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
Joined: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Welcome aboard B-V2.



Thank you sandi2, and especially for what you are doing here continiously for all others: amazing.

This older post of your's is I think compulsive reading for most:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...450#Post1133450

And interestingly enough the two books from Michelle Langley was the first decent information I stumbled upon days after BD (I highly recommend those too) even though it does not seems to be fully applicable for my particular situation (as there appears to be no OM), and many weeks before I found out about Michele Weiner-Davis and DR let alone this place.
My wife read large part of book 1, don't know if she ever read book 2.

Looking forward for reading any further advice from you and all other vets, on all our journeys!

Last edited by B-V2; 10/01/14 05:41 AM. Reason: Corrected wrong link.

Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
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BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
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B-V2, you sound like you're doing all the right things. Definitely don't send the letter to her, as it likely won't do any good. Let her initiate contact, and just be friendly and pleasant toward her when she does. Sounds like you're dong well with your GAL activities and adjusting your life to get rid of the habits that weren't contributing to your happiness. You've obviously done your research! The trick now is to stay on course and not deviate from this path. She may or may not come around, but as you noted, you can at least focus on yourself and your own happiness for the future.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Originally Posted By: Ahoy
B-V2, you sound like you're doing all the right things. Definitely don't send the letter to her, as it likely won't do any good. Let her initiate contact, and just be friendly and pleasant toward her when she does. Sounds like you're dong well with your GAL activities and adjusting your life to get rid of the habits that weren't contributing to your happiness. You've obviously done your research! The trick now is to stay on course and not deviate from this path. She may or may not come around, but as you noted, you can at least focus on yourself and your own happiness for the future.


Hello Ahoy: thank you for having posted in my thread. Me doing all the right things: I wish, but I don't always do so.

I will not send any letter, and yes: I let her initiate contact, and being friendly and pleasant comes natural to me because the way I feel about her and I do not carry anger nor bitterness (sadness however: yes. However no need to show that, just PMA).
I still need to worker harder on my true listening capabilities, and make sure that my inner "Mr. Fixit" learns not to speak up/lecture after listening. Validate and move on with more listening, sometimes easier said than done...


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
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Journaling:

"Good":
Last week Wednesday banking/buying out business went well, as in: I was indeed as cool as a cucumber, confident and looking and smelling the part - and she gave me a very nice according compliment when she walked in as she was positively surprised of all that. The signing and banking work was all over in less than 10 minutes.

Feelings: when outside, I told that I was sad due to the divorce path that we were and are on was and is not what I want, nor the part what we had just finalized in the bank.
She did not really responded, but looked sad too. She then asked for going on lunch together, but I declined (first of all as I was feeling very sad inside myself) also as we had weeks ago already agreed on meeting up that evening - and we walked our separate ways. She had some tears coming up while walking away, and so did I.

Not good:
When meeting up in the evening in a local place for a bite to eat and a drink, near the end I blew it because I lost my true listening and validation and instead started to argue.
Why/what about: several weeks ago I had provided a potential hot inside tip on a work opportunity, for which she had then text me back "thanks..., I'll think about it." Near the end I brought this up, and I said that I understood that her reply read like a big hint of "not for me!" and why then not simply writing such instead of unclear hinting, as I am still not able to read minds. And that I know this was not a nice subject for her, however lets not always avoid those kind of not nice subjects and lets talk like adults about it.

Obviously I should have been thinking before speaking any and all this, because: what was I actually trying to achieve with saying all this? Be Happy OR be "Right", and I was obviously busy with trying to be "Right"...wrong, wrong, wrong (as it serves no real purpose)!
As I noticed that it all started to go wrong, I called it "the end" and we left the place and departed just like that.

After 1 minute of walking away I felt so bad, that I called her and apologized stating that it was not how I wanted to end the evening together on a total bad ending, and if it was OK for me rejoin her so to still talk for a few minutes. That was OK with her, and so we did and the first thing she told me was: "here you go again, lecturing me.". So although bad, at least this gave me direct feedback and insight into a problem area of myself.
Then I said something that made her burst with positive laughter, and I had to laugh too and then we both left.

Had a scheduled session with my shrink this Monday, which was a very good session (the shrink continues to ask me tough questions, which is what I need).

Any vets caring to provide questions/feedback/help/2*4: I'm all ears. Continuing with LRT in the meanwhile and GAL and my 180's (although I wish so much just to call and listen to her and be together, however I fully understand that such has to come from her side for any future R to have any change).

Last edited by B-V2; 10/08/14 10:18 PM.

Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
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W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
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HI B-V2, I'm a "Mrs. Fix-It" so I am familiar with this issue. And actually, I'm finding it liberating in many ways to not feel responsible for his problems anymore. Certainly, in my next relationship (whether with him or someone new) I plan to avoid trying to "fix" or "rescue" or "help" others unless they explicitly ask for it. This is an opportunity for growth.

I hear you about wanting to just connect with her, and about writing a letter. I am struggling today with wanting to connect with H to get some clarity about the direction of our R, but I know that is verboten. Some days it's all I can do not to think about the problem as something I want to "fix." Instead, I need to work on fixing myself, and that takes introspection (which you are doing), and GAL, and time.

Being patient and allowing time to take its course is the hard part. I feel for you. Hang in there.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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Hi B-V2

You do sound good and as I read your posts you seem to be on the right track.

Since you have not been posting for that long I don’t have the full picture! I am not a VET but as you already know I have been here for some time and I have read a lot. I do have a few comments for you:

You seem to be very focused on your W, her actions, sayings and the way you believe she comprehend your interactions - and that is totally normal! I was the world champion of this and almost all LBS does it for some time. IMHO one of the key-issues to DBing is to snap out of this. You have read the “focus on you” sentence probably a million times – now you have to implement it.

(Sandi tried, without any luck I might add, to tell me this when I started here. I believe I “wasted” half a year focusing solely on my W and possible R instead of saving me. Today I believe that the only way to save your R is to start by saving you)

You do want to become the H that nobody would leave but not for your W – it has to be for you. It won’t last if you do this for anybody else – but you. This Ver. 2 of you will take time to design and shape and then some to become.
You have a good starting place at your 180-list and your W certainly gave you a major hint about the lecturing. You are reading R-books and might have gotten more from these. We LBHs seems to be so focused (at first) towards saving the R that we forget the most important thing in all of this: Ourselves!

So my first little advice is that you start changing your readings a little. Try finding books about how to develop you and get inspiration towards being a good and decent human being with a fulfilled way of life. I would suggest Hold on to your N.U.Ts, 7 habits, Psyko Cybernetics, How to win friends and influence people in the digital age as starters (should keep you going for a week or two smile )

(If you want further understanding about Rs I have had great pleasure in reading “Co-dependent no more” and “his needs, her needs”. Start with the latter.)

It took me at least ˝ year to grasp or comprehend this “Focus on you” but when I got started (and went LRT) I took some major steps rather quickly. I started to restore my self-confidence and IMO that might be the single most important thing into all of this.

Second advice is to slow down. Again you seem to be doing what we all do – you want to fix it all NOW….trust me on this one: You can’t! Change is good but radical and fast change sometimes tend to be shallow and chances are that your W just sees this as your way of winning her back and therefore thinks little of it. You want her to think “WTF is going on” but not followed by “what an idiot – does he really believe that this will work….” You want the “too little – to late” not the “to much – to fast”. I got both smile
Slow down, consider the changes you want to make, think them through, apply time and then do it! If you want to cook, then think it through, start by doing it once or twice a week. If you still like it then increase otherwise discard. Make this way into a habit otherwise you will come out as changing all the time, not steady, not believable, not consistent and you don’t want that – not for possible R and especially not for you!

And then a few Qs:
1/ Why do you want to write the letter?
I did it! Some VETS told me not to and some told me to. There is no clear answer on this issue as I read the VETs. My opinion today is that you shouldn’t write the letter. You have told you W to her face what you want and you have talked about your M so what is the purpose of the letter?
Think it through!

2/ Are you absolutely sure about no OM?
It is rather seldom in here smile

So in short: Make this about you and do slow down smile
If your situation is as most you are in for a long ride. Nobody knows where this will take you but if you do the work it will be to a fantastic place and your W just might choose to follow you when you get there.

Nice to have a fellow Scandinavian in here!! I will try to follow your journey and extend advice if I have any!
All the best!!
F


Me:44 W:43
D7, D5 (S11 from other R)

T: 8y - not M
ILYB: 8. Mar 2013
W moved: 1. Aug 2013
LRT: 20. Aug 2013
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Thank you F, for taking the time and giving such detailed feedback.

Originally Posted By: Fartiltre

...
You have read the “focus on you” sentence probably a million times – now you have to implement it.
...


Real and full detach is indeed the hardest part. I now starting to understand it much clearer why this is an absolute must.

Originally Posted By: Fartiltre

...
We LBHs seems to be so focused (at first) towards saving the R that we forget the most important thing in all of this: Ourselves!
...


Yes: so true also for me.

Originally Posted By: Fartiltre

...
I would suggest Hold on to your N.U.Ts, 7 habits, Psyko Cybernetics, How to win friends and influence people in the digital age as starters (should keep you going for a week or two smile )

(If you want further understanding about Rs I have had great pleasure in reading “Co-dependent no more” and “his needs, her needs”. Start with the latter.)
...


Thank you for those suggestions, I will order these and read them all (while also continuing with GAL and 180's).

Originally Posted By: Fartiltre

...
You want her to think “WTF is going on” but not followed by “what an idiot – does he really believe that this will work….” You want the “too little – to late” not the “to much – to fast”. I got both smile
...


Understood.

And as answer to your 2 questions:

1/ Because a letter can be re-read over and over again if so wanted by the receiver, while a conversation gets filled with more noise over time (and/or important words missed out or not heard or forgotten more and more).
Also the writer, me in this case, can really express exactly and as clear as possible what the relationship and loss of connection - and re-finding it - is all about. As time can be taken/used to write such.
And yes: I do fully understand that as long as the WAW/ex-wife is not interested in such, it will never happen in the first place.

2/ No OM: to the best of my knowledge till date. Am I 100.0% sure: can we ever be?


Me:47 W:45
T:18 M:14
No children
BD: Jun 2014 INILWY and want to divorce
W filed Divorce: Jul 2014
W moved out: Aug 2014
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