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Last thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488431&page=1

Let's hope 9 will be just fine. Mighty, thanks for your kind words. Never apologize for a hijack. I welcome them! I'm really boring by nature:) There are many people who think I'm very nice (maybe too nice) and it's funny because I don't see myself that way at all. I do live my life with the belief of karma,although I fully understand that bad stuff happens to everyone. That's just life. I've never been called a doormat, however, I think people don't understand why I don't "call xh out." Why? It would be more productive calling out a tree for the leaves falling.

You know I love a lively discussion. I have a question for the DB world. I'm curious. Did anyone really question the severity of the sitch at BD? Anyone not realize the magnitude of the conversation at such a seemingly innocuous time? I read some BDs that seem so "Huh? What are they saying?" and others are much more dramatic.

Please know that I am not making light of anyone's sitch. They are all painful although I find the BD differences interesting. Not sure if it says much about the WAS/MLCer or not.



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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GB!! If you think you're boring, I'd love to see your surroundings smile.

Ok, so....my BD.... I didn't get the official ILYBINILWY. I got several emails over 2 years. I went back a while ago, and found this from H back in October of 2012:

"I do love you. I will always love you. I would love to work this out. I just do not see a fix. I feel like the biggest failer because I had everyting i always wanted but then even after by best effert everyting fell apart".

I got this every 2-4 weeks since then. "I just do not see a fix" being the most repeated phrase I heard. The pattern would then be me begging, apologizing, coming up with new systems in place, reading every self help book I could, I started counseling myself...you name it, I tried it.

I was always confused. I never saw the severity of the sitch, because the problems were, IMO, all solvable and normal for blended families. Also, since the kids would be grown and out of the house within a few years, I thought it will only improve the situation....yeah. I had no idea what was going on in his mind. Just the constant blaming, projection, and focusing on weird things that weren't real problems.... That was not who he was before around April of 2012.

So, idk if this is even a bomb drop, but since I didn't have the speech, I looked back at the times he mentioned separating.

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GB -- to answer your question -- I totally did not realize the severity of the situation at BD
. I had no idea what he was talking about! He phrased it as "he needs help" and "there has to be a special place in he!! for someone who destroys a perfectly good marriage." (He wrote this to me, along with his request for "space" in an email -- classy.) It didn't become obvious that this was a major issue until he made plans to move out and tell our daughter within two weeks of BD. At that point, I really just gave up and gave over to DB methods, which came naturally. What can we do? Sorry for hijack, but I wanted to answer the question!

Last edited by Ahoy; 09/15/14 04:49 PM.

M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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My BD was a real shocker. We had and up and down marriage all along. We had been to counseling for a few months after we both carried on EA at the exact same time. We slid into the old ruts and climbed back out twice. This spring things seemed to level off. She even started going out of her way to spend extra time with me. I thought we had finally matured as a couple and were headed down the right road. Then one evening the boys and I were out working in the barn. We came in late, around 10. I cleaned up and we went to bed. Instead of climbing under the covers and turning the tv on she sat down on the bed and said we need to talk. In 3 minutes she went from ILYBIANILWY, to i married the wrong person, to we were never meant to be together, to I should have done this long ago, to I dont want to be intimate with you anymore, to the boys will be fine to how do I find a place to go. My world collapsed around me and the only words I could manage were " I know you dont want to be intimate much anymore, but I have learned to deal with that and I am ok with that" The next day I was a walking zombie. For 3 weeks I was wracked with tension, anxiety, fear, depression and anger.
Mine was a BD and it was a BIG one.


M42 W40
T17
M15
S13 S11
BD 7-14
A discovered 7-14
WAW moved out 10-3-14
D final 2-23-15
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@Shining

Quote:
"I do love you. I will always love you. I would love to work this out. I just do not see a fix. I feel like the biggest failer because I had everyting i always wanted but then even after by best effert everyting fell apart".

I got this every 2-4 weeks since then. "I just do not see a fix" being the most repeated phrase I heard. The pattern would then be me begging, apologizing, coming up with new systems in place, reading every self help book I could, I started counseling myself...you name it, I tried it.


Shining -
do you see now that this actually had nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him, and his inability to be happy and his tendency to cast blame outward instead of looking inward for his happiness?

Also, something in the way he phrased things makes me think - perhaps, unbeknownst to you, he was unfaithful or indulging in internet relationships way back then in 2012. He "had everything" but it was still falling apart - perhaps because he was returning to old ways? This is usually the kind of behavior we see in a guy who is having an affair and projecting reasons onto his spouse as to why it "just isn't working out". I may be wrong, but it's just setting off my spidey sense.

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Thank you, kml, I never thought of the possibility of something indulgent that far back, at least I haven't thought of it that way before. It is strange, the wording....and I copied it directly from his email. I guess that is entirely possible. We were always together outside of work, and he almost never went anywhere without me.... Unless he did something when my kids and I went out of state for my Dad's funeral.

I'll sit on that thought....

I see his blaming, projecting, and inability to look inward. He's so convinced it's all my fault, and I bought into it.

Sorry, GB, HIGHJACK smile.

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Hi Georgia!
For me BD was surreal. As anyone who knows anything about my sitch, W had been fighting depression/anxiety issues for years before B-day. A few months before this W and I had not been having ANY sex. It was like she just stopped wanting to be intimate at all. First she thought it was hormones and said as much. She planned on going to see Dr. about it. She did and then she said it was because she was so afraid of getting pregnant again (my SIL had just had a baby after she had thought she wasn't even able anymore. My brother had planned to retire early but now has a 5 year old!) and said that maybe if I had a vasectomy, that would help her "relax" (that is an important word. All of W's feeling revolve around the fact that she is ALWAYS tense!). So I went to the Dr.

Part of the process was a questionnaire that asked if either S was even thinking about separation/D. If so, the Dr. wouldn't do the Vas. She not only answered "no" she was so sure she would NEVER do that, saw how it hurt her and everyone in her family when her father left, etc. Well I got the vascetomy and had to wait 12 weeks before I got the "all clear" from Dr. that it "took". Well for a couple weeks before that time came, W had been acting strange. She was in a bad mood always, was surly, always at work, ignoring me and the kids, etc. I asked what was the matter. She went into the bedroom and sat down and said, since I asked, that she had decided that she wasn't interested in having sex even now that I had a vasectomy. Not only that, she wanted a D and wasn't the least bit interested in "fixing" the M. It was done and over, nothing was going to change.

I was so shocked! I would have been less shocked if she had said that she was really an alien pretending to be human all this time! I didn't know what to say. She went on to say she NEVER loved me, not even on our wedding day, she only M me because she thought it was time for her to get M, not because she loved me. That she never forgave me for something that I had done 20 years earlier, wished she had left me then. That she never trusted me, EVER. Accused me of lying and hiding things from her (I didn't and wasn't) and that she would never be happy M to me.

Of course I tried to reason with her. Begged for another chance. Denied the things she was saying about me (I really wasn't hiding or lying!) told her that she had always swore she would never do anything like this, that we both swore we would always try EVERYTHING we could if things ever got this bad. Talked about how this would affect the kids. That was the only time she showed ANY emotion, she cried and said she didn't want to hurt her kids but she HAD to do this! She ended by saying she would leave and go to her mom's if it was 'too much" for me having her around knowing she was going to leave (typical MLC, putting it on me and MY weakness if she left!). I told her no, that I can take it and it would be bad for the girls if she left, we needed her income, etc.

The next day I got a call from her work. She fainted, passed out cold at work. This never had happened before. She works in the medical field so there were Dr's around and they said they had no idea why it happened. Well, I know. It dawned on her what she was doing. She had just done the very thing she swore she never would. All her life she had said that she would NEVER get D'd unless there was abuse but now she had committed to doing the very thing she had swore she never would.

I was devastated. Over the previous few months I had lost my job of 10+ years (co. closed unexpectedly), started a new job where I had more responsibility and would be making much less for at least a couple years, had a vasectomy I didn't want and NEVER would have had if she hadn't swore she wouldn't leave, just started to get D (17 at the time) back on track after a couple years of rebelling, now this! My world was coming down around me!

Over the few months W would come up with all new reasons why she "had" to leave me as each thing she had accused me of turned out to just not be true. As time went on, the reasons got more and more ridiculous and unbelievable and her attitude grew harder and harder. The more I tried different things to "save" our M, the more hostile she became. After finding DB and making progress, her father came back into the picture more and more. He had been pushing her to leave me (the ONLY person she knows who thought she was doing the right thing) and when he found out she was thinking about it he suddenly was ALWAYS there calling, texting, visiting, going on vacation with my W (not me or the kids, just W). He told her that I was the problem, she needed to think ONLY of herself, she was wasting her life as a wife and mother...just what a person in MLC needs to hear! FIL even got her to go to lawyer and file offering to pay for it ONLY if she filed and left right away! (This after W had agreed to not file and just separate).

So, to answer the question, no I never saw it coming and never would have believed her capable of thinking what she was and saying the things she said. I was already so burned out by all the depression/anxiety issues, all the "problems" that were caused by W and her mental state. The effect it had been having on our family, the fact that W had been less and less a wife and mother and more and more only caring about her job and new friends.

Some day my W will have to start to look at what the REAL problems are that make her so "unhappy", so depressed, so anxious, so unable to trust even the person who had taken care of her, had been there for her when she needed it most but is so needing her fathers love and approval that she trusts him even after 40 years of him not caring about her, not wanting her in his life, of doing so many hurtful things to her. I will tell you this...until she can get away from her father and his controlling ways, she doesn't have a chance to ever get through her crisis. Until she faces the fact that happiness isn't something you "get" from someone/something else but from inside, she will be stuck. The profound effects she is having (all bad) on her kids, me, her family are growing daily. The more damage she does, the less likely she will be to ever be able to face what she has done. A big part of her depression was her feelings of "guilt". I remember her saying at the time how she felt guilty about things that she shouldn't and it played a big part in her IC at the time. Now she actually has real, tangible things to feel guilty about. How will she face those when she couldn't even face the things that were all in her head?

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This is from the other side of the coin and it makes me cringe every time I think about BD on Ms. Wonka.

The BD for Ms. Wonka was on her birthday!! Nicely placed one...NOT! sick

Gee whiz....I definitely didn't win the 'Spouse of the Year' award with that doozy of all doozies! crazy crazy

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Hi GB -- interesting question. BD took place 2 days before our 20th anniversary. Needless to say, we did nothing to 'celebrate' - he didn't even acknowledge it. It took me several weeks to fully understand the severity of it. I thought it was a discussion about 'we have some problems and we really need to do something about them.' But as we talked again about once every week or two after that, it became very clear, when he said he didn't know if he could still make an effort to try and save the marriage. Said he had been making an effort for years already. and said there was 'no hope.' Five weeks later, he moved to his sister's house, and has not returned. One year and three months later, I'm in a much better place than that weird, nightmarish surreal existence during those 5 weeks and afterward. I thank God that period has passed, and I'm thinking clearly again...


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Great convo, GB! You, Boring? .... I think NOT!

It was 2 weeks before anniversary (he went out after work on our anniversary- I think with OW).

On the day of bd, we talked 3 times on the phone. It was totally normal, lots of laughs and joking. About 20 min before he left work (he worked later that night) he called and said he was going out for a drink after work. I said, "Awww... you will miss the kids. They will be in bed." He said, "They will be fine." (Same thing he said when I mentioned how they would feel about d later on."

Now the weird thing is, it was a Monday. During the weekend, I had asked h if he wanted a drink a few times, on different days. He said no because he was trying to lose weight.
That Monday evening, the kids asked where h was. I said he went out for a little bit. OK, now it gets weirder... s then asked me if he thinks xh would ever cheat on me. I said no. I also said I am trusting and that I don't worry about that because you can't worry about it. If it were to happen, I would eventually find out. But I said no, I don't think so and that I trust xh. His response was, I think he would. I just laughed it off and said no. Then I remember thinking, "No way. XH and I will be together forever." I remember exactly where I was when I had that thought.

A little while later xh still wasn't home. I remembered he didn't want to have a drink with me, and the next day, he was a bar. So I went to bed and sent a text that said, "shady".

Xh was home quickly. He started yelling and said, "I want a divorce." Then he went to bed. I was upset, but didn't say anything. I figured he was just mad and would be over it in the morning and we could talk about it then.

Well, that was that. It was almost a year ago. We are divorced and he is expecting a baby in ~3 months. He is living in a house he purchased with hww.

I didn't get the ILY but... I just got, "I don't love you."

Very un-dramatic. The months have felt very dramatic, but it like everything just so easily slipped away. It wasn't easy for me, but it was gone without me having any grasp.

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