Jack, thank you. I believe I'm waiting for the bad because I don't think H is "done" yet. I don't believe we are in "piecing" yet. He is coming back, slowly, yes, but he is not there yet.
I went through an extremely painful experience. It changed me. I worked on myself, changed myself for the better. A lot of good has come from this. I can see how I moved forward and he how has not. In fact, I feel like he wants me to go back to where he is right now, rather than try to catch up. I don't know how to explain it any better than that.
Journaling: the Good Stuff
Got two dates this week with Mr. Gritty, but not on Friday; that's the 20th anniversary of an annual neighborhood party we've always attended together. This year I'll be going solo because he refuses to be "judged" by our neighbors. They all hope he'll come home soon, but he believes they're judging him. That's his reality so I accept it.
The Not So Great Stuff:
He took me to his office after hours, a place I haven't been in over nine months. Difficult, because that's OW's domain but she doesn't do much overtime so there was little chance of running into her. I've got to prep myself for running into her. It's going to happen eventually.
First thing I notice? All photos of me are gone from his office. Our Ss' pix are there, none of me.
I shouldn't have done this, but I tried to make a joke out of it. "I guess I lost star billing in the office, hunh!" and pointed at our Ss' pix. He knew right away what I was talking about. "Well, we were getting D! I thought we were over!"
He opened a drawer and there was the nice 5" x 7" of me. In the drawer. As we were leaving he surreptitiously put the photo back in the drawer. I didn't let on that I noticed.
I'd say he's not committed yet, at least not in front of OW or her friends or his office in general.
Mindreading? Maybe.
The Bad:
He hasn't rescheduled our MC appointment. He says he will when he has time, that he believes our just spending time together is rebuilding, that we don't need MC to get through it. Aren't we doing just fine without it? I think he believes having a series of fun dates will repair everything that's happened.
I told him I need to feel safe in our reconciliation, and him going to MC helps me feel safe. He says he gets it, that my needs are important, too, but it has to wait because he's really busy at work.
See, Jack, what I mean? He's made tremendous strides. He stopped the D that he started. I am very grateful that we can work on the M in a safer environment.
And yet there IS a bee in the rose, I can hear it buzzing. It may fly away and that would be great, but until it does I'm not going to let it sting me again.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
You have made such good progress the thing that I was thinking about as I was reading is the MLC stages/tunnels ... not sure if anyone has pointed this out but IMHO your H has come out a bit .. but as predicted he is going back into the tunnel as now he is dealing with the damage he caused ( hence not wanting to face the neighbors) These things are by the book (if there is one for us who deal with the MLC). Regardless ... whatever it is you have handled this ... I admire the fact you have stood up, lovingly placed boundaries and told him .. you need MC to feel safe, I would recommend you continue to put a lid on your hurt for now, there is still a long road ahead of you but you are an inspiration to me honestly ... Keep teaching us !!!
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, I am definitely NOT strong. I am weak. But thanks for thinking the best of me, LOL.
Originally Posted By: Caliguy
You have made such good progress the thing that I was thinking about as I was reading is the MLC stages/tunnels ... not sure if anyone has pointed this out but IMHO your H has come out a bit .. but as predicted he is going back into the tunnel as now he is dealing with the damage he caused ( hence not wanting to face the neighbors) These things are by the book (if there is one for us who deal with the MLC). Regardless ... whatever it is you have handled this ... I admire the fact you have stood up, lovingly placed boundaries and told him .. you need MC to feel safe, I would recommend you continue to put a lid on your hurt for now, there is still a long road ahead of you
Caliguy, I needed that. I focused on those words all last week. I struggled big time. It's hard to put the lid on the hurt, especially when H is reaching out. I don't want to sweep stuff under the rug, I'm afraid we'll get back together again with him thinking we've swept it under that rug and don't have to revisit it again and then it will just smolder inside me.
I don't want to be the LBS who rehashes everything constantly. I just want to clear things up and move on.
I talked with my DB coach, worked out a plan, and we've got another MC appt scheduled, so that's good.
One day at a time.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Caliguy, I needed that. I focused on those words all last week. I struggled big time. It's hard to put the lid on the hurt, especially when H is reaching out. I don't want to sweep stuff under the rug, I'm afraid we'll get back together again with him thinking we've swept it under that rug and don't have to revisit it again and then it will just smolder inside me.
I don't want to be the LBS who rehashes everything constantly. I just want to clear things up and move on.
I talked with my DB coach, worked out a plan, and we've got another MC appt scheduled, so that's good.
One day at a time.
I can not recall where I read it .. may have been DR ... I only recall having to put a lid on it because I had this hilarious imace of that big guy holding a large happer .. softly enticing the mouse to come closer .. closer .. closer .. then WHAMM letting em have it.
I think your H .. well and WAS who did the MLC dance has to deal with a flood of emotions once the hit that stage .. the guilt of what they did, seems during MLC the memory is so bad they can nto recall where they parked .. but I know they will recall all the horrible things they did .. the damage left afterwards ... that in itself will be alot to get through without us LBS's throwing our own gasoline on the fire.
Thought behind this .... look how strong you have been to this point, look at the strength you never knew you had ... its ok to hurt .. just let it out a little at a time .. you've got this.
So I just want to point out, even though you think it's not such a good thing...your pic is not on his desk. The fact that it's in his drawer still says volumes! If he wasn't serious, your pic would be gone from the office. Look at the small things. That's what gets me through the crazy stuff with Clark. It's one of those baby steps
I agree with Caliguy. Don't let your hurt out. OMG all the hurt I still have inside! Even this past weekend...Clark saw a book in our closet and made the comment that he'd never seen it. I almost lost it! I gave him this book 3 years ago for valentines day. It was part of our healing from him leaving the first time...now that I'm saying this, it just hit me... I hadn't know at the time, but this was still during MLC. Wow, I was out of touch with him!
Anyways, I had to let it go. My demeanor changed and I was no longer happy and joking with Clark. He picked up on this and left the room to do some things. Nothing was said by him or me. I took my time and eventually got to that happy place. I can't control how he reacts to things, I can only control myself. I'm bummed he doesn't remember the book, but now he's seen it again and we can use it to heal this time.
It's a long road still. I'm dealing with a lot of hurt and pain daily, but I don't tell Clark. Today even! I'm mailing off some packages and one of the boxes Clark gave me has OW address on it (thanks Clark, cause I need images of you living with her, even though you say you weren't...LIAR!) now I have to go to MY happy place and move forward. He's not living with her anymore. He's home with me...positives. Find them and hold onto them!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
"So I just want to point out, even though you think it's not such a good thing...your pic is not on his desk. The fact that it's in his drawer still says volumes! If he wasn't serious, your pic would be gone from the office. Look at the small things. That's what gets me through the crazy stuff with Clark. It's one of those baby steps"
True.The ONLY reason to keep it close is so you can look at it.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe & Atsbaby, I didn't think of that. Not sure if it's true, but I'll take it as a positive. The question is: when will the picture go back up on the wall. If I say so myself, it's a nice one of me. He took it and I look pretty good in it.
In the last week we've continued to work at reconciling. We meet for dinner dates, sometimes I spend the night at his place, our old bungalow. It's hard sleeping in that bed but it's getting easier.
The Good... No... The Incredibly Fantastic:
When we talk about the difficulties he is having at work that he believes are a result of his PA with OW, he no longer blames me. He takes full responsibility. Without anybody prompting him, either... it's straight from him.
I spent approximately nine months dodging convo bullets and Gritty spew about how I was the cause of all his troubles resulting from his PA, so this is HUGE.
The Weird...
The reason OW blocked me on FB may be because of what she's telling her BFF, who runs to H and tells H: that I am poisoning all the company spouses against her and she will get axed.
Nitty is not talking. And hello! A PA with H is not a "fire OW's a$$" crime. Otherwise she'd been fired long ago for all her other indiscretions with others. And so would Mr. Gritty, perhaps H would be more likely to be axed because he has the senior position. Whatever.
The Stuff That Is Not Just Weird But Also A Little Bit Psycho
OW and OW's BFF came to my town and had a very close encounter with me without me realizing it. We're talking EXTREMELY CLOSE. I know this because a friend of mine casually dropped this info into a random conversation.
And then BFF ran to H, told him she and OW saw Nitty in Nitty's neighborhood! And hid from Nitty! But both were sure Nitty saw them. BFF wanted to know: was Nitty upset?
H said exactly the right thing: that OW is never a topic of conversation between him and Nitty. Even though that's not true, LOL. But I am so very glad he told her that. Even better, H is telling me whenever there is any contact regarding OW. Transparency! Without asking for it!
But why did she come so close to me? That is very upsetting. Was it random or on purpose?
And finally, the Incredibly Awkward...
Company gatherings are coming up and I am going with my H, something I would not have believed if you told me in the last year.
BUT!
OW will be there. I need to have a picture of how I will behave. I will follow this guide. The hard part I am having is "make the effort to maintain a pleasant and open air and to engage other people in conversation -- including, or at least not pointedly excluding, the O.W. in your geniality".
Not sure I can do that without turning bright red and stammering.
Back to the Basics
H and I have nice convos, good MC sessions, and yet I'm still edgy, looking for evidence that H is gonna sprint back into that MLC tunnel.
Every day I tell myself to be open to all possibilities, stay in the moment, don't obsess about the past or the future, to trust in God and in myself, for I am a child of God.
And then I obsess. Like, why is H still friends with BFF? Or when he seems a little agitated, I feel my heart start to pound a little bit, before I calm myself down and remind myself that I am in charge of this R, and I will not settle for less than the good relationship I deserve.
I think it's going to take me some time to get through this. The good news is: WE HAVE A CHANCE. Whether or not it works out, I don't know, but we at least are giving our M a fighting chance and I am so grateful.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Nitty this is the first time I'm reading through your sitch and I have to say it gives me lots of hope! You have been amazingly strong and from the outside reading through the changes there are many positives I see in your H. I hope for you this continues in a great direction!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Nitty, that link on what to do at a company party is absolutely great! You can do it!
There are definitely some positive changes in your H. Be patient. I would probably take the same approach. You are giving your best to give your M a chance, but you are not attached to the outcome.
I agree with daring, your post give me the hope.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
