claire- part 7

[claire7]

Starting a new thread.

Need some major pointers here so I'm really hoping some vets will chime in.

H and I still don't have a final S agreement. We have a regular weekly schedule that we generally stick do, but every thing else has been ad hoc.

Now, we are trying to figure out a schedule for the upcoming holidays. We both have families about an hour's drive away. Holiday includes two evening and two days

H: did you have a preference for holiday?
Me: according to our draft agreement, you get preference this year. So, let me know what you'd prefer so I can plan with my family.
H: well, i wanted to ask your preference in the hope we can come to a mutually beneficial agreement, rather than me just dictating what I want.
me: ok, thanks. This is what I'd prefer...

Today I get an email:
H: Well, I was hoping you'd say you preferred something different, because its going to be complicated that way. If you want to (do something totally different than what you said you preferred), you are welcome to.

Then he proceeded to outline a complicated set of options which would involve lots of transitions and logistical coordination.

Sigh. Maybe I am over thinking it. But emotionally I am not really in a place where I want to have this complex back and forth negotiation over every darn holiday. So, I told my family when I was available based on an assumption that I thought was ok with him...and I have to now tell them something different and figure it out in a new way.

I want to be a problem solver and not stress or shut down over this, which I know I am doing.

But the truth is that having a clearer guideline would just take this off my plate. I have no interest in spending time going back and forth with him trying to figure this out.

I don't know how to respond. I am in a place where I don't feel safe to express my opinions to him. I haven't felt that in a long time. And, while he appears to be generous and collaborative, it's actually frustrating for him to not state a position until after I've stated mine. He made it seem like he didn't have a preference...or maybe I just mindread. This is emotionally difficult for me for lots of reasons but if i tell him that it makes me appear weak. This should all be no biggie if I am detached, right? But it forces me to think about how this impacts our D, and what I am missing out on with him and his family. And I feel like I need to protect myself from that.

2x4's and clarity please.

Please tell me when I can say to him, "I really hope for your sake that you truly feel this is all worth it to you."

[Maybell]

Well, it does seem like you have some expectations, and I think maybe disappointment that you're about to go through another set of holidays this way is playing into it as well.

My draft agreement (which H hasn't seen, but I'm pretty sure he'd agree is reasonable) alternates holidays by year. So this year he'll have kids for Thanksgiving and I'll have them for Christmas, and next year alternates. Of course, our families are more than 600 miles away, so we can't really share time for each holiday.

My feeling, however, is: You stated your preference. It is your ACTUAL preference, I assume? If not, state your actual preference, suggest a SIMPLE way to manage logistics that takes the whole season into account, and stand by it to the extent it makes sense, flex where flexing works. You back down very quickly with him, and I'm not sure why this is. You generally seem happier when you behave more strongly. He's not really going to get much further away than he is already. What are you aiming for by accommodating him to your own detriment?

I'm not saying this the same way some of your real life friends might, with the premise being that he's a jerk for not working on the marriage. Your happiness doesn't always seem to be your priority when you're interacting with him. Why is that????

And for that matter... what in your life is going well?

[SunnyB]

I just initiated the holiday discussion myself this morning, H will have moved out by then and it will be our first go-round with it. My nearest relative is 800 miles away, his is further, we have zero family in this city. Not sure what's the right way to go here. Wishing all of us clarity and the ability to speak the truth in love.

[Georgiabelle]

Claire,

It sounds like your h wants you to speak up, however if it isn't the answer he's looking for, he then states that work. I understand you want to R, however, I also believe stating what you propose or giving 2 options might help. If your h says," I don't like those" then you can certainly ask what he proposes. If you don't like or think it's feasible, there is no harm in saying "I don't think that will work."

I think people get caught up in how they appear to the other, if they don't agree. He asked for your suggestion. You gave it. He gave options and there is nothing wrong with saying that you don't think x will work.

It's a pain in the booty. I get it. You don't have to let the other "get their way" to reattach them. You will figure it all out:-)

[Georgiabelle]

Oops. I meant "reattract" them.

[claire7]

Ok,

So, I'm re-reading my post with 25years in the back of my mind...

I see a clear need to DETACH. (You nailed it, Maybell-- I'm sad that I'm in this situation. It's hard to not be emotional). Anyway, if I approach it like a business endeavor, I can think of some possible solutions. I guess I'm just venting here because there are so many things I want to tell him but can't, obviously.

It's his year to have preference, so I'm not going to dispute his preference. And I'm not going to tell him it's frustrating that he asked me what my preference is, but then said, "I was hoping you would say something different." It's like, he wants this to be impact-less for everyone-- he wants to be the good guy and make everyone happy. But the reality is that that is not possible.

And he's put such clear-cut boundaries on our personal R, but wants our co-parenting R to be buddy buddy, with 10 emails back and forth to figure out one holiday. Maybe eventually I will be there, but I don't think I'm there yet. Maybe this is about me wanting to have clear-cut boundaries on our co-parenting, too.

And, of course, that's not going to bring him closer to me. Do I care anymore?

I think I'm going to offer a suggestion that fits his preference, face whatever disappoint I get from my family and make it work for me as best as possible.

In other news, he's out of town this week-- it's much easier for me this way. And, I get to show myself that I am completely capable of taking care of her, taking out the garbage, moving the car, paying the bills (well, writing and mailing the checks, anyway), keeping my household running smoothly while working full time all by myself. While fighting a cold. When my D3 gets up in the middle of the night saying "Mama, I'm scared,"

Just tired of all of this right now. So, I'll respond in a detached way and keep on keeping on.

[Maybell]

Claire, I was wondering... Did you ever go no contact with your H? Or have you always done the light and friendly 180 DB thing? I'm not suggesting it. But as you know the buddy thing is a hot button for me too and I was wondering if your H ever really felt he could lose you.

On my phone, but basically I'm just thinking out loud here.

[claire7]

By the way, link to old thread here:

Claire-Is DB worth it? Part 6

[Ss06]

I support you, Claire. Your decision to go with his preference is a hard one but I see your reasoning.

Here's the big question:

You stated you noticed a clear necessity to detach. So, what's your plan in that department? He's out town for a bit so it might be a good time to get into a new mindset there. What do you think? What else can you do in this area? I'd make suggestions but I am detachment-challenged. The concept is super simple but implementation is close to impossible. I wonder if that's our human nature to just make things difficult.

Maybe the new Apple watch has a detach button. Wouldn't that be so helpful? Just push it and suddenly enmeshment ends and you're healthily removed emotionally and voila! Things are suddenly easier. If only, right?

Detachment. The hardest part... until the next hard part arises.

[labug]

First, it seems his original communication with you was unfair. Has this always been his style?

I don't quite understand this: Sigh. Maybe I am over thinking it. But emotionally I am not really in a place where I want to have this complex back and forth negotiation over every darn holiday. So, I told my family when I was available based on an assumption that I thought was ok with him...and I have to now tell them something different and figure it out in a new way.

If you have an agreement you don't have to have this discussion over every holiday. You can make adjustments if you choose to. You know now that if he asks that same question you might want to say, "No thanks, let's stick to our agreement." To me, it seems he set a bit of a trap but I don't know the guy.

What was the assumption?