New here, my fairytale gone wrong

[BklynMom]

Just reiterating that they get cheaper and cheaper.

My ex promised me the moon when he left - I'm sure it helped eAse his guilt... Once he realized that paying me more then 30% for cs would effect his lifestyle of vacationing every 3 months , he promptly went to standard percentage for our state.

Ex also after agreeing to spousal support for a year during the d process decided to his words "take it off the table". At the last minute. At the point I wanted to be done with him more then fight.

Get what you can now, they only get cheaper. You can still believe in reconciliation

[fthnluv]

Spoke to our tax attorney this morning who advised that the current tax deal we were working on will fall apart if the D is final before it is settled and paid. He recommended to wait to finalize until 9-12 months when the deal is completely done. The other option is that we could do separate deals (which would cost us about $20k more) and then the D wouldn't matter. I spoke to H and advised him what I have been told and he is going to talk with the tax attorney when he is here next week.

I have also been thinking about the 11/1/2012 separation date he is listing. This would mean that the business he started (and is very successful) when he went to PA/NJ on 11/1/2012 would be considered his separate property. Depending on the value of that (or if he is willing to include it even if he doesn't "have to" based on that erroneous separation date) I may need to contest based on that alone. He also paid cash for a vehicle currently worth about $15k that I wouldn't have interest in, either, based on that date.

I guess we will see what he wants to do once he talks with the attorney and we talk about splitting assets. I won't agree to anything until I see it in writing from his attorney.

[Lifes Twists]

fth,

I am not sure that you don't own half of the successful business he has started. Even though you are separated you are still married. I asked my attorney a similar question about hypothetically winning the lottery after we were separated. He said even if she filed for divorce it would still be half hers till the divorce was final and suggested I not win till then. I suspect you may have a right to half of his assets or could at least argue for a portion of it. I would still argue the date that this started but also ask the lawyer if it really matters in relation to the business.

[fthnluv]

A lot has happened since I last posted. H came home on 9/18 to be with the kids while I went on my cruise on 9/19. The morning of 9/19 I found a business card for a jewelry store with information on a engagement/wedding band set and size 6 on it. I told him that morning before I left that I knew for sure that there is another woman and that he needed to respect me enough to stop lying about it. He finally admitted there was another woman.

No contact (except about the kids) while I was on my cruise but when I got back last night I found he had removed many of his things from our home. Clothes, documents, guns, etc. I confronted him about this and he gave more stupid excuses, such as that he can't trust me. He said I have hurt him with my words and he is afraid I will hurt him again. I told him it was ironic to hear him say I have hurt him with my words when he is destroying me and our family with his ACTIONS. He then tried to lie about the business card and say it was for a cross pendant he wanted for himself but I told him I see through his lies and he finally admitted it was for her but tried to claim he is not serious about her (that they were just browsing), when I pointed out that he wouldn't have kept it if that was true he admitted that they are serious and then he admitted that they currently live together in PA and later told me that they have been dating since sometime earlier this year (he's trying to say about April but then it also sounds like at least casual since January of this year). She is an "employee" who he has worked with since November 2013. He also revealed that he signed a lease on the apartment that they are living in in January and that he did it at that time for work reasons and did not move in with her until June 2014. He is clearly very protective of her and does not want any of this to be blamed on her. I told him that I do not blame her but there is no way he could truly be working on our marriage this year as he claimed he had been with her waiting in the wings. He won't admit to that truth. He says we are all looking for a reason he is doing this like "another woman" or a "midlife crisis" and that those are just not true. Ironic. The other woman and your denial of a midlife crisis are just more checkmarks on the list of what men in midlife do.

I told him that I will continue to stand for our marriage and for what is best for us, our kids and God and that she is not a "deal-breaker" for me. I believe, with God's help I can forgive this one day. I told him that his affair does not hurt as much as the continued lying and deceptiveness of what he did. He has made me the fool, and I don't appreciate it one bit. I told him that I know he does not understand why I believe in our marriage and the restoration of it but that he doesn't need to, I just need him to know why I am behaving the way I am. He said that I will have to have faith enough for both of us, I told him that I do.

We hugged and held each other a lot and that gave me some hope. Not trying to put too much into it, either, though. He admitted that he and the other woman are sexual (which hurts to the bone) so I know he's getting his physical needs met by her. But, I think he can't deny the connection between us too.

He then went for a drive for a while and came back and said "Are you ok? I mean really ok? Because this is a side of you I've never seen and I'm scared of you. Either you are having a mental breakdown or you are full of God's grace like I've never seen." I told him I am most definitely full of God's grace and that I know it is true because this world and who I have been are not someone who could be reacting as I am. He thanked me for the grace but then went on to tell me that he will not reveal the OW's name (or age) to me for fear that I might do something to her or call and start harassing her. I guess I can understand the harassing part but I truly have no desire to contact her at all, I will let God deal with them and what they are doing that is so clearly against His word. He later told me that he is afraid of me (mentally and physically, which is funny because I am only 5 ft 100 lbs and he's 5'11" and 200 lbs and I've never been violent towards him) and he then left the home when it was time to go to bed because he was afraid of me while he slept. He came back in time to get the kids to school and will be back, briefly, in a bit to bring back my little one and then head to the airport to go "home" and be with her. Ugh. My stomach is in knots, it is our anniversary today and he will likely be celebrating it by having sex with her. I don't know how I am going to get through this pain he is causing me, but I know that I can one day, with God's help.

I have told him that if he does not change the date on the divorce papers to our correct separation date I will contest that. He said he needs to talk with his lawyer about the ramifications of that, I'm sure once he discovers that we cannot divorce until 2 years from the real date in PA he will go crazy about that and try to argue that point.

Somehow, through all of this my strength to stand has just been deepened. I have never felt so sure that this is not completely over between us. The only issues we have between us now are the OW, the valuation of his business and whether or not I own part of it (this seems to be a biggie for him, he says it has no value because if he did not work it will not make $) and the fact that I tell our kids the whole truth, including that Daddy *could* get some sort of job here or we could move there and be a family but he is choosing not to do either of these things right now. I believe they deserve the truth, even if it makes him look bad. I haven't told them (and neither has he) that there is OW. No reason to, yet. He does not plan to bring her around them anytime soon he says.

[Matt165]

Hi ft,
The fact that he has been shopping for wedding rings with OW and that he is suddenly in such a big hurry for D aren't good signs. His "fear" of you is more an indication of his guilt than anything else. I also don't think that the fact there is OW was such a surprise to you. The fact that he won't give you her name or age means she is probably much younger. You handled yourself very well, better than most I'm sure.

Now, I know that in PA adultery is grounds for D. He has admitted that he is an adulterer. It also does him no favors in court in PA because it can be factored into how much alimony you get as well as even though PA is a "community property" state, if there is adultery, the other S can get a much better settlement and be awarded more than the standard 1/2 of everything. It looks to me that at this point your H is just wanting to run away with his OW into his new, "happier" life. He isn't thinking through all the legal angles of getting a D. Please don't let the fact that you are standing for your M and really believe that your M can be saved stop you from protecting yourself and your kids. I made that mistake and it really has cost me and my kids. Your H is only thinking of himself and couldn't really care less about what he is doing to you and probably the kids either. You can still stand and protect yourself in court.

I'm so sorry you had to find out about the OW. I know that must hurt so bad and NO ONE deserves to be treated like that. For someone who talks about "God's Grace" he surely isn't living a Godly life and hasn't for some time. Expect the lies to continue and there will be more things coming out in the future. Just think of how first there wasn't a OW, than there was but it wasn't "serious". Now it's progressed to they have been living together for 6 months, signed a lease together and are shopping for wedding rings.....all before he even let you know there was a problem! Just be ready for more hurtful things to come out in the near future.

Time for you to be ready to go to battle, ft. You may stand for your M but like I said you NEED to protect yourself and kids from a man who is no longer the one you M and may never again be anything close to that person again!

[Shining]

Fthnluv,

I'm so sorry about your recent development. Confirmation of ow is a devastating thing, even if it was already suspected. I've been exactly there.

I won't offer advice on your R. I'm new to this, myself. (I can't believe I'm still saying new, because it feels like decades already).

So, I'm no vet, but a couple of things they repeat here often that have helped me, are the good-old GAL and detach. I'm learning to really focus on improving my self-esteem, and make sure I'm taking care of my kids. That has been worth gold.

It seems you are already making good progress in that department, especially since you went on a cruise! I'm glad you were able to do that for YOU.

So, this MLC stuff is a long, drawn out rollercoaster ride, and anything can happen. And it often does. Don't beat yourself up if you feel like you're sliding back or have a bad day. Come here and vent like the rest of us.

As far as disclosing things to the kids, I agree with you, to not tell them anything about ow. Your kiddos are quite young, and they have many years to deal with this ahead of them.

Honesty is always important with regards to the kids. Lying and pretending everything is ok doesn't work. I believe they see through our attempts to hide things. But, it's a fine line, right? Balance with minimum info, and speak in generalities, no details. Constantly remind them you are there for them, and that no matter what, they will be ok.

I would NOT, however, speak negatively about 'dad' to the kids. Whatever it takes, hold it in. All of it. Your opinions, logistics of his job, his choices, what he could or couldn't be doing....none of that is good for the kids, either now, or down the road. This is one area I do know well.

Even saying "daddy could get a job here"...true as it may be, all they know is "daddy isn't choosing to be here with me." Probably not the best thing to put the words out there. That's a tricky thing that could come back on them later.... Just my .02.

Hang in there, fthnluv. You have already dealt with so much, and you're impressing the socks off me with your calm. At least you write calm. . (Behind the scenes tantrums are also acceptable).

[kml]

I'm sorry you found this out, but as you know, I'm not the least bit surprised.

Just a couple of things for you to consider:

A) If he's buying her a ring and rushing to finish the divorce, it MIGHT be because she's pressuring him or he's eager to move on, BUT - it could mean she's pregnant.

B) Don't assume that she KNOWS he is married. It's possible he's been lying to her all this time as well and that's why he doesn't want the two of you to have contact. (Of course, it would be normal not to want contact between your wife and mistress anyway, but.....)


As for his business - I'm not a lawyer, but it's my understanding, that if it's a sole proprietorship based on his labor alone, it may well not have any intrinsic value. This is a question for your attorney.

Also - the separation date may be useful as a bargaining chip, but if he's already being super-generous - again, it may be worthwhile to grab the money and run. Don't confuse standing for the relationship with [protecting you and your kids financially in a divorce - the two are not mutually exclusive.

[TAMF]

Hi fthnluv :-)

I am a DBer who has been off the grid for a couple years now! Crazy, but I was online, and thought I would just look and see who is online and if I might be able to help someone who was like me 4 years ago.

I read your story and I immediately felt a connection to you because I was in a similar situation...HS sweetheart, together forever, everyone said we had the best marriage, bomb drop was like a sledgehammer to the side of my head.

It took a full 2 years and 2 months before we got a divorce. The day of our divorce, he sat next to me in the court room, held my hand and comforted me as only he could. insane but reality. after the divorce, we walked out to the parking lot and hugged each other for a long time, both of us cried and he told me over and over how sorry he was and how he would always love me.

November of 2013 he married the OW in Jamaica. Both of our children were there.

I have started over with someone else. He loves me more than my ex ever did I think...but it still isn't the same and never will be. I am stronger than I ever was with my ex and very happy.

But I still have dreams about my ex and I still find myself remembering our lives together. It isn't painful like it used to be, so you can certainly count on that! but four years after the bomb dropped and I am still not completely healed. I know that with every passing day it gets easier.

I hate to see anyone go through what you are going through. It breaks my heart. I wish there was something I could tell you that would be the magic cure-all to your problems, but there isn't. You just have to go through it with as much love, forgiveness and dignity as you can. Most importantly, show your children that you can be loving and forgiving even at the worst of times. Trust me, they come back after a couple of years and will thank you for how you handled your situation. Whether you are able to make it work, or you get a divorce. Be nice, but stick your ground. I let my ex "bake his cake and eat it too" especially if he is living with the OW now. That is the hardest thing to comprehend. Just take it a day at a time.

I will check back and see if you are doing okay.

This site saved my life. period. use the tools they teach you. come here often to vent and look for help. it will change the way you look at relationships forever.

chin up and breathe!! (((((((hugs)))))))

[uRworthy]

I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know that is hard to hear.

So, first things first. Do not allow you wanting to stand for your marriage to interfere with you taking care of what you need to financially. Two separate things. Do what you need to do.

I know you are early into this. The thing is that when you tell them that you are standing or that they are in a MLC, they get angry. He feels as if you havent heard him and is is frustrating him.

He is saying he doesnt want to be married right now. You certainly dont have to like it or agree with it, but you do need to hear it.

Think about it this way. Supposing it was the opposite. Suppose that you are telling him that you dont love him or want to be with him. And he is saying but thats not true. You do love me and want me. You would get angry that he wasnt hearing you.

You would be saying to him, it doesnt matter what you want, it only matters what I want.

So, stop saying those things, ok.

Now you know the truth...hurtful as it is. If you keep asking him about the ow, you are giving her importance she doesnt deserve. You are giving her power. She is a bandaid.

As for the children, this is very important. Your job as a parent is to cause no harm to their relationship with their father. You want him in their lives. This is between the two of you.

It is up to him what kind of relationship he forges with them. But you should not say anything unkind about him to them. You want them to feel loved by both parents.

Trust me, it matters.

Hang in there.

[fthnluv]

Thank you all for your advice and kind words.

H came back home after dropping off kids at the bus stop this morning and we talked again. I apologized for telling our son that H was making the choice not to work in our state and not to move us to his state. I told him that I know that he loves our kids and that I don't want them to think he is choosing money over them. He thanked me and then told me that he was mad about it at first but that he "couldn't be mad at you after all I've laid at your footsteps over the last 4 days and the grace that you've given me. I forgive you.".

I'm trying hard not to focus on OW. God did grant me a wish today and H's flight back "home" to her was delayed which means that they will not be having sex on our anniversary after all. Woohoo for small victories! The images of them together, sexually, still haunt me and I dread how much longer they will be in my head (I know, much, much longer). I do not want her to have this power over me. I am very scared that she is, in fact, pregnant. He says she is not but we all know he lies through his teeth these days. That would be something that impacts our family (as well as how my kids feel, like he has time for that family but not ours) emotionally and financially for our lifetime. I am praying that she is not. I asked him to be safe (sexually) to stop both the possibility of pregnancy and STD's but I know he does not like to use condoms and I don't think he'd tell me the truth about that either. Ugh.

I will consult with an attorney about what to do next. I think we may just wait and see what he offers in writing and decide on whether or not to contest at that point. His business is a feast or famine type of business which means even if he offers me the moon he may not be able to pay me any of it in any given month. So, my fear is that I do not contest the truth of our relationship AND I still don't come out any better financially. I will have to pray about it when the time comes and things are in writing...

You have already dealt with so much, and you're impressing the socks off me with your calm. At least you write calm. . (Behind the scenes tantrums are also acceptable).

Thanks! LOL! I was very calm and quiet, which surprised even me (and apparently scared him). I give that all to the advice you all have given me here on this site and to God's grace (as H already figured out).