So sorry for what you're going through. A couple of thoughts.
You have things to work on. If it was nothing but a MLC and being a lesbian, there wouldn't have ALSO been a list of things you did wrong plus the statement that all her men (suggesting YOU included) have disappointed her. Work on your things, become a better person, better dad, and someday for someone a better partner. Gives you something to keep your mind on and helps with the hurt.
Your W may be a lesbian and that's that, or she may not. It's beyond your control. If you love her, work on the things you can fix about you and give her space for the journey she needs to take. If it gives you hope, I can tell you my sister became a lesbian after about 15 years of marriage with teenage and elementary schoolage daughters. Blew up the marriage, which was blowing up anyway because of many other dysfunctional relationship issues. Told everyone including my homophobic parents. Lived as a lesbian despite the challenges that caused her daughters. Fell in love, planned to get married to a woman, the whole nine yards. A few years later, became not-a-lesbian, expressed lots of regrets about her ex-H, ended up marrying a man. If her ex hadn't been remarried with a new kid, the story might have gone differently. You just never know. All you know is what she's doing now. See if you can take each day as it comes and not predict the future. See point 1 again, you have stuff you can work on.
Three - there is no point of no return unless one of you is dead. I had so many ideas when I first started here. Separating the bank account seemed like a point of no return, but it didn't turn out to be. Telling our parents seemed like a point of no return, but it didn't turn out to be. Telling our kids REALLY seemed like a point of no return, but in time and with a lot of effort, even that could have been overcome. Looking at things as points of no return is predicting the future, a futile exercise, and self-limiting. All around there are examples of people who divorced and remarried the same person, and people who almost got divorced and then didn't, and people who were gay, and then weren't.
Your only concern is to learn and grow from this situation, and be the best you as each new twist and turn occurs.
Good luck.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well, I think I'd better clarify the statement about people who were gay and then weren't. I believe some people just are. In my sister's case, she said and believed and lived as if she was but she wasn't.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Over 20+ years, I have seen a whole gaumut of people on the sexuality spectrum.
It seems to me that your W is exploring new avenues in the sexual realm and is experiencing a whole set of emotions that are all new to her. Not to be crude here...it is a lot like someone buying a brand new car with heated leather seats, digital music, built-in phone, humming quiet engine, cool compartments, etc.
Doesn't necessarily mean that your W will transition to being a fully lesbian just because she "says so". I was dismayed to read that the folks on the lesbian site is giving your W pointers on informing people about her "coming out" process without fully understanding her marital history with you and her daughters. They don't know what they're dealing with at all and shame on them for doing it.
You're going have to dig deep for patience while your W is off exploring over thar younder.
Just be strong for your daughters and continue being you. If your W brought up legitmate complaints about you and the M, then do 180's that are permanent for YOUR own benefit because you'll live with them regardless if W comes back or not.
Thank you so much for replies so far. I do understand that if she is she is and there's nothing i can do about it. I'm changing what i can, me.
W is away at work for a few days now. Being on my own with our girls is much better for me. I had a day to myself playing golf and went to a bar with a male friend.GAL. The next day i spent working on the house, cutting the grass and cleaning etc., keeping my mind ocupied. Had a nice dinner with girls, and conversation with eldest daughter again. She thinks her Mum is definitely having a MLC. MIL phoned me sunday and we had a good conversation. She got emotional talking to me, i did as well. We're both trying to support each other - she's as stunned as anyone! She said i should insist that she moves out, W won't like it on her own she thinks.. In house seperation isn't working for me. We still sleep (try to) in the same bed, but i wake up often when she starts checking/using the phone at all hours. I'd had enough one night and blew it by saying that she's obsessed by that website and that she should take a look at herself sometime. Giving somebody space and time is not easy when you're in the same house. Part of me wants her leave and yet of course part of me doesn't. Eldest D caught me looking at apartments online and said why are you doing that? If anyone leaves it should be her...
By the way no contact at all from W while she's been away as yet, she used to text me every day, i guess others are getting that attention now. Painful!, one day at a time etc. I stopped texting her a while ago unless it's about girls.
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
All I can recommend in this situation is to be patient.
Maybe ask W to move to a spare bedroom? If she won't and you really can't handle the same bed then you go to a different room.
As hard as it is, being in the same house let's her see your changes. If you keep up the 180s of the stuff she doesn't like, and keep GAL, she'll see it.
If she really isn't all the way to lesbian on the spectrum of sexuality and she is even a little interested in you anymore, that may give you a shot.
Sorry, that's all I've got.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hate to say it, but I would kick her out & sever all ties with her.
Most if not all of these LGBT sites actively encourage married women to leave their marriage. It's all about the sex & excitement & many offer hook-ups & 24 x 7 sex chat as well. Not surprisingly, many female bi/lesbian sites are avid anti-men (so much for 'tolerance', eh?).
You've been dealt a terrible blow. Get started in therapy if you haven't done so already & try not to let your wife's selfish & destructive behavior ruin your life & your family's.
Me: 46 Ex: 38 Married: 10 Together: 12 No Children Separated (again): 09/06/13 Divorced: 02/27/15
I would be careful of making such broad and sweeping sterotypical and misinformed statements about gay women. Be careful. I could say the same thing for straight sites who actually encourage full-on affairs and encite them to leave their spouses & families. No difference there.
On both sides of same coin, there are actually people out there who think having affairs and leaving their spouses is perfectly okay. Not!
Jay, keep going and work on yourself. I'd suggest that you and W discuss the option of her moving to the guest room. You can put down a boundary and inform her that she cannot continue disrespecting you by perusing those sites in the house.
Jay, were there any signs or clues over the last 20 years that W was gay? If not, then there’s a good chance she’s not truly gay and won’t be sticking with women for the rest of her life. Just trying something new and out of character, not unlike all the faithful spouses who suddenly are caught up in an affair(s).
I too suspect MLC. Everything adds up. Age, childhood issues, recently lost a parent, new attention to exercise and clothes… Read up on MLC, you’re in for a ride. It’s about her and her issues more than it is about you. I know it’s really difficult, but you have to figure out how to NOT take her rejection of you personally. She’s doing all this crap FOR her, not To you.
Do not move out. Allow her to be the one to leave if she wants to. I think you are on track with the “sister or flat mate” plan. I've done this for 2 and a half years so far. You can do it too. It DOES get easier.
Set boundaries. Don’t be afraid to tell her that you feel certain activities in your marital bed (or whatever) are disrespectful, and you won’t tolerate it. Do this early rather than later and you will earn her respect.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks all for reading and commenting on my situation, i really appreciate the help, support and guidance.
I've thought long and hard and can't think of any signs or clues. Up until the weekend before BD we had an emotional bond ( hand holding, hugs etc) and an intimate relationship.
She's back from her business trip today. I'm looking forward to seeing her again and yet not looking forward to it - if that makes sense! It has been easier whilst she's been away with just me and the girls around the house. Perhaps separation would be best for my own well being. The only way we could do that though is to sell the house we're in at the moment, which is what W wants and is waiting for I'm told. I've been looking at apartments on the market, and my youngest daughter saw me, upset her a little bit. I can't seem to get her to talk about the situation at the moment, which concerns me a little. Eldest daughter continues to be very supportive. I've had supportive phone calls from mother in law and sister in law whilst she's been away. MIL says make her go and live on her own for a while - she won't like it!
I've been busy with things around the house (my 180's) keeping me occupied. The next few days will be challenging..must keep up PMA and GAL somehow..try and control these feelings in my heart and stomach.
Jay
Ages: Me 58 Wife 50 Together: 27 years M25 D24 D21 Bomb Droppped 21 June 2014
If your W is a lesbian, she is. You changing won't change that.
If you know you need to change your behavior, then do it
My comment here is that we all have changes that we NEED to make. Your changes may or may not help things down the road with your W. But you make the changes for YOU, so YOU are a better person, not to try to WIN her back. Your old marriage is DEAD, maybe your wife announcing her sexual persuasion will help you to understand that.
Can you make a new marriage - with her - or someone else, maybe, but their is lots of work to do to get to that point.
Although this is the DIVORCE BUSTING site the first thing is to DETACH and LET GO of her.
I am not telling you you need to get divorced however your wife needs space and LOTS of it. I would not stand in her way, and not do it for her if that makes any sense, let her do the work.
Sounds like she is definitely going through a crisis I will say that.
