Thank you pilot, 25 and others for your thoughtful and helpful words! All very true.
I am doing my best to GAL. I have a terrific social life, I'm taking a language class, I'm going on weekend trips, I'm looking for a new job and working on lots and lots of side projects. I'm definitely busy and having a good time. GAL is not too difficult for me as I was the "fun one" in the relationship, the one maintaining friendships and always planning activities.
I have a bit harder time with 180s and detaching. The main thing my H complained about at BD was that I was boring. Well, I am not boring. But I see what he meant in that we took the relationship for granted and we were lazy trying to maintain the passion and excitement. So my 180s (that would interest him) are being more mysterious and independent. I guess the way to convey this 180 is to be distant yet happy with my life.
Thanks to you all and MWD I have gotten great advice on how to do that. The only thing I need to do is put it into action on a day to day basis. Sometimes it's hard.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
So my H was texting and contacting me a lot with just little random comments for the past week. I wasn't responding, trying to keep NC as many of you recommended.
Then he texted yesterday telling me again that he had some mail for me and wanted to pick something up from my house, and asked if he could come by my house to drop it off one day this week. I replied that he could come by on Thursday and his stuff was sitting on the table (hinting that I wouldn't be there but that he could come get his stuff).
He started responding more coldly. Very vague. I still didn't know whether he simply wanted his stuff or whether he wanted to see me. I felt if he wanted to see me he should simply ask me to do something together, not use a pretense of dropping off mail. So I told him to just digitally scan the mail and email it to me, and that I would drop off his things at his house when he was at work. To this he responded that I should come by his house Thursday when he was there.
I'm confused. I have been doing NC. It seems to have made him curious. After a while of being curious and friendly he seems to get insecure and start being unfriendly.
So now it seems he is in unfriendly mode. But at the same time I don't get the whole story with picking up and dropping off his things. If he wanted to give me the mail he could always drop it off in my mailbox anytime. If he wanted to pick up his things he could have come by any time in the last 2 weeks (he has keys and I was out of town). So I feel the whole thing is a subtext for seeing me?!? But then why not just ask to see me?
I really don't get it. And the thing I need help with is how to deal with him. He seems to be trying to manipulate me. Tomorrow is when he wants to pick up his things. What do you think I should do?
1. be home and greet him and exchange the items, be friendly and say hi, give him his stuff and then say bye? 2. not be home and let him drop off and pick up the things? 3. drop off his item at his house (while he is at work) since I will be in the neighborhood? 4. drop off his item/pick up my item at his house when he is home in the afternoon? Say hi and bye? See his new place? 5. none of the above
I am super confused. He has been super friendly. Then he became cold. He doesn't really want his item or he could have gotten it any time. So what is this sudden interest in picking up his item and dropping off my mail (that he could scan)? And what do I do about it?
I feel he wants to see me, but he isn't willing to ask me to do something together. So he pretends that he wants to exchange the items. But what does he want? Does he simply want to see me so that he can...? what?
I know this is such a trivial thing but I am very confused and confounded by it.
I vote 1 - but that is possibly because from my vantage point, any contact with H would be better than what I have currently!
2 - possibly, but why not go for 1 and have an opportunity to see him, show off the new you and assess where he is at in the flesh (vs over text) 3 - no, you are bending too far here 4 - no, would probably mess with my head too much
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Thanks ganb8te! The only advantage to #4 over #1 is that I then have the control of dropping the stuff off at his place and then saying "ok I gotta go". Otherwise I feel I am just hanging out at home while he "stops by" and then takes off. I then look like I am just a loser hanging out at home without any plans.
But maybe I am overthinking... I guess I could be all dressed up sexy when he comes by like I am going out afterward. Or I could be baking cookies or something.
Dress like you have plans...and actually have plans.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Maybe I'm no fun but I'm a say-what-you-mean kind of person so I'd flat out ask him, Dude, you need your stuff and I need my mail so what do you want to do here? If he dances around it I'd say, I'll leave your stuff on the porch and just mail me my mail. Done. Easy peasy BUUUUT, why not use this as an opportunity to let him have a glimpse of how great you're doing?
So, I'm in favor of #1 like this:
You, causally beautiful, smelling nice, music on, perfume, glass of wine, curled up on the couch with a good book. You don't nee to be OUT to show you're GAL and doing well.
He comes in, chats a sec, gives you your mail, you point out his stuff... now the business is done. Now what?
If the convo starts up naturally, awesome. If you're looking for an out, you can say, "well, thanks for bringing my mail, I appreciate it. I'm actually having a friend over for a glass of wine so...." or "I'm actually meeting someone for a drink in a few so I appreciate you bringing my mail but I've gotta jet" or something implying you are grounded, kind, able to be alone but still busy and fun loving. Get it?
Either one of the 2 below.... I think the best one is to drop off his item when he isn't home.. Then wait for him to contact you again... Cool, confident, mysterious. That's what attracts a man to you.
Don't change what is working. You said yourself that he has been texting and contacting you a lot about random things lately... It is best to let him wonder why you aren't so eager to see him... That way if it really IS an excuse to just contact you, then he will have to find another excuse.
You are on the right track here now. Do what works.
2. not be home and let him drop off and pick up the things? 3. drop off his item at his house (while he is at work) since I will be in the neighborhood?
ou, causally beautiful, smelling nice, music on, perfume, glass of wine, curled up on the couch with a good book. You don't nee to be OUT to show you're GAL and doing well.
No, you don't NEED to be, but it is far better to be out. Cool, confident busy women are attractive to men. You do realize that men actually sometimes like the "thrill of the chase" don't you and get bored with the same ole same ole?
I would advise you to be gone. Out and about. Busy woman. Attractive busy woman....Confident, mysterious, attractive busy woman....
Lisa Lisa...Haha, DB forum up just in time. I will tell you why he is using the pretense of wanting to get stuff to see you. And I am fairly certain I am right because I do this all the time. He wants an excuse to see you, but not admit it. He wants an out to keep himself from 'putting himself out there'. Same way even now I may ask my W when she is around if she 'wants to go feed the kids out somewhere'. It means I want to spend time with my W but I do not want to admit to her, so if she says no, it is no sweat off my back. Guys are very fragile when it comes to possible rejection. He does not want you to know what his real motive is, but the flaw in that (even my) plan is that is usually is pretty transparent. During happy times in my M I would use jokes as my cover. If I wanted sex and I was unsure of her mood, I would make a joke or in some way hint at it or make a reference, but if she was not receptive, I could just pretend I really didnt want it. Sure, it would have been much easier, and probably more successful to just ask. But when we get told no, we have to carry that shame if you will.
Your H is in unfriendly mode because he is pouting. Pure and simple. I did the same thing at times. When we as guys do not get our way, we pout. Your H probably was expecting you to jump at the chance to see him, and for all we know, that may be ALL he wanted. Just to know you wanted to see him. Now he is finding out that you are not jumping, and even worse, seem indifferent to the idea of even seeing him. You are turning out to not be a reliable Plan B. And that probably has him bothered. In the past, did your H exhibit this kind of behavior and you would cave or go along with what he wanted? If so, maybe he is resorting to something that used to work for him. I read somewhere that often times WAS will go from indifferent to angry before they get to wanting to work on things. At least something like that.
While I cannot say for certain, I would say your H is worried about where YOU are emotionally at this point. You are not crying over him anymore, and you do not seem to want to see him at his convenience. Next thing you know he will actually have to work at having any kind of relationship with you. As for what to do, I would probably go with 2. As much as I know you want to see him and I do get the whole idea of showing off the new you in front of him, I would make him work a little harder than 'let me get my mail' if he wants an opportunity to see you. Be friendly and upbeat. You can even make plans with him that you will be there. But when you know he is on his way, you can text that you had some last minute plans come up with some new friends and for him to just leave the stuff on the counter and pick up what he needed. Wanna talk about a mind job??? He will be disappointed for sure, regardless of what his intentions really are. I say this because he will have assumed you would be there, and now you are not. So he will have to come up with a new way to see you.
No to 1 because you cannot control when he leaves without being rude. No to 3 for the reason ss gave. Why should you be running errands for him No to 4 because who wants to see their S new place
Just my thoughts...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16