need to GAL

[hope224]

NOpe. he is just a really depressed soul that only talks to me. i think thats why he misses me a lot. I told him i missed my husband,,..his old self. I have been wanting to read your posts and will probably have time during the weekend .

[Shakspr]

Okay, the visa/cross-country boundaries sounded like some soldier stories I could tell. I don't have a lot of insight into your sitch, sorry! Just sending out a caring vibe now.

[hope224]

This weekend was good. I had planned the weekend so H, baby and I could do some fun family activities since H was saying he was lonely and missed how we were. I guess I shouldn't have bent over backwards like that. Things were fine but he disregarded my efforts and suddenly changed plans to take the baby to see his friend's family(who are so supportive of his decision to get divorced. they have been slyly telling him to make a parenting schedule). So, all saturday, he made me breakfast, went to the gym then took the baby to them for some hrs, and went to friends reception. We did nothing that i had planned and told him about. So, he promised that sunday, we will do family things. but, come sunday, he goes to the gym and came home to watch football. And i asked him if we were going to do anything...he said we could go for a walk but it has to be before his game started.
Acc to him, it seemed like i changed when he got back from the reception. I dont see why he would say that. But, his msg to OW has been affecting me ..On Sunday, we talked and he said he was glad we could still get along but he still thinks that he made the right decision of wanting to go on with the divorce. I told him i agreed I had changed and that i wish things were different and I take the blame for it too.,I also told him its not my decision to be divorced but I want him to be happy. It seems like i am still attached to him.

[hope224]

He told me he misses me and is really lonely but I think it may just be because he misses the intimacy. We got along really well, no argument whatsoever. But, I am just really upset, almost hollow. Maybe, this is just the realization that it is officially over. We still have to wait 8-9 months before getting into the legal swing of things. I just feel devastated. But, it also pushes me to start talking care of my needs and my emotions. It's finally time i really focus on my baby and me. I can't wait for this pain to end, i know it will eventually.

[hope224]

My H is still hot and cold. He says mean things when he is mad. I wonder if he is bipolar sometimes. I don't give in to his arguments. The past week, I texted him by saying that I am not sure if I want to still be intimate with him since I don't feel good about it myself. Then he got mad and started saying it was a good thing I told him because he was trying to see if things were actually going to work out between us. And, he said I pretty much answered his question and he was glad he tried "working it out" but realizes now that it would have never worked. I wanted to compare our "trying" but didnt go there since I knew it would make things worse. He even said we could not be friends and would only want to talk about our child and nothing more and that i was no longer welcome to the apartment.
Then, next day, I had an event that I took the baby with. Usually, we have been spending weekends with H. So, I told him it could be late and that we still needed to go car shopping. I also asked if I could just sleep in the air mattress. Flat NO but several hrs later, for some reason(maybe he got lonely again), he told me I could stay but we'd sleep on the same bed. And he was nice again. The whole weekend was so great. Things actually felt normal after a long time. I didnt discuss much about our R but I teased him about the girl he has been fb messaging. He told me i shouldnt do that because he doesnt want to give me hopes. But, from what i analyzed, he is probably testing how things will go or he is seriously bipolar. He has talked to me about how lonely he is and how he really likes it when we come see him over the weekend. H is not much of a talker, all our M,i've had to poke around to get him to talk about his feelings. I asked him if it was just sexual reasons he wants us over. But, my gut tells me he is considering the relationship. I told him that i am not keeping my hopes up because anything is possible. But, he has admitted that he thinks about normal family life too, all the stuff we dreamed of together.
Also, I wonder if my 180s are really working because he told me yesterday that I have really surprised him a lot last week and he seemed really happy about it.
The one progress in this is that he seems more relaxed and he actually kisses me as a normal kiss and hugs me like he used to. It used to be just sexual past month or so but now he seems more emotional, if that makes sense. He has been really good with the baby too, which makes me happier about this.
But, anyone with H like this...bi polar-ish?

[Shakspr]

Hope224...just checking in. You doin' OK?

Don't know if your H is bipolar, but he is pushing buttons to see what works...for him. He is experimenting to see what you will and won't tolerate.

It isn't fun. I would look into information about boundaries. And I would not be intimate with him if you have strong reason to believe he is intimate with others.

[slow_it_down]

If I had to describe my H while he was seeing another woman while also wanting to work things out with me right before and after our son was born last year, I would have said bi-polar. Only in hindsight do I see why one minute he'd cry on the phone about wanting 'us' but then not answer my call the next day. He'd literally go to a couples therapist with her, call me crying to come back, and then blow me off for lunch. He was all over the place emotionally, a mess.

That bi-polar behavior stopped when he gave up the OW and chose to come home. The tough part is letting them choose you and your marriage at their own pace, and keeping a positive, nothing- you- can-say-or-do attitude while you wait.

Let his ups and downs roll off your back like drops of water. Be confident and smile like you are contagiously happy. You are the better choice.

[hope224]

thanks for checking shakspr. I've been having a good couple of weeks so far. H is less crazy. I think I may have figured out a little bit about communicating with him. He has been wanting the baby and I to be around him more. I think it helped that he no longer has to be out of town for work. It probably helps his stress level not to "have to be responsible" for baby and I. I am trying not to listen to my friends who are still angry at him for not 'manning up'. They have the best interest for the baby and me, but i am still standing for my M.

I am also not letting my H's mood affect my mood as much as possible. He stresses and gets anxiety so easily.He has been really nice to me for the most part, making breakfast for me in the weekend, letting me sleep in during the weekend( i deserve it since i take care of the baby all week), but these are nice gestures from him compared to him not caring much the last few months. I've complimented him on how well he is bonding with baby and what a good father he is for spending time with her, although i know he needs to spend more time. but seems like things are working.

[hope224]

Tahnk you for that. I needed to hear it since I get no good support from friends. They want me to move on but i am not done fighting. I am surprised I am this strong.

[Shakspr]

hope224...how are you working on you? I know a 6 mo is a handful. Glad to hear H is taking on at least some of his responsibilities.

My friends have all respected my baseline statement: No one gets to badmouth my W. I will do everything in my power to restore my marriage. Anyone not on board with that needs to keep it to themselves.