Some very good questions and discussion on your thread. When it comes to mean MLCers, listen to Bea. She can give you some really good advice.
Lois, I also really like Bea's quote about the two types of marriages. I think it's true. I also think we could add to that two different types of people who go into MLC - 1. Ones that were good, normal people beforehand then had a total internal personality meltdown and 2. Ones that were jerks then go into crisis and all their bad traits are multiplied by 1000.
My H falls under #1, which is how I knew something was drastically wrong. There's being unhappy in your marriage - then there's becoming a total opposite of the person you were before. It's disturbing to see, sad.
MLC is still such a mystery. There are plenty of people who had bad childhoods, traumatic events early in life, etc. that don't go into crisis. So, I think it does seem to be true about the lack of coping skills.
Oh, and timelines - YIKES!!! Because they hide so much from us and everything is internal, it's hard to say exactly when all the unrest within them starts. The denial and anger stages can start years before bomb or us recognizing that there might be a problem. I also believe they can be working through things internally - or not - without us being aware. I remember a friend of mine describing an MLC brain as a hornets nest (or was it beehive? I swear my memory has taken a hit with all of this too!) anyway, it's very noisy and confusing up in there, and best if you stay away to let them sort it all out.
Let us know how you're doing
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Hi, friends. I'm so glad to have somewhere to put this.
Update... I'm at a big-time low moment. It's temporary, but I'm upset and scared.
I had to reschedule with L for tomorrow morning due to something that happened at work.
My boss told me he wants me to look for another job. Yep. Because why not add that to the mix of stuff?
Reasons: They "aren't busy enough" I "dropped a few balls" (forgot to order a baby gift and didn't register for an event that was actually the responsibility of a different department. Nothing that caused any monetary damage or otherwise) They have "been too good to me already"
To be clear, I'm intelligent, responsible, reliable, an excellent worker, highly regarded, and I am able to take criticism better than most. I don't throw people under a bus that should be mine. I have NEVER been one to mope around, nor have I ever been a crying mess, lashed out in anger, come in like I haven't slept in weeks... I have been very proud of my ability to get it together, smile, and carry on. I am upset that after months of my boss telling me how great I seem to be doing, suddenly I'm some kind of flake.
>>> side note, I had a complicated hysterectomy in 10/13. I had to take 10 weeks off. Boss was good to me for that. Then 2/14 H suicide attempt, had to leave work one and a half days off. Then 4/14 had to take off to find apartment -one day off. 5/14 took time off to move-2 days off. One day to help S17x2 look at colleges.
Others in my office have had 2-3 full-week vacations during the same time.
My total days off in 2014 with everything we've been through: 5.5 days
But they have "bent over backwards" he said, accommodating all of my issues. He said, "I understand what you've been going through." (Ummmmm, really?......good thing for him, I don't have a temper.......) I told boss, "If I could have prevented any of this, I would have. I didn't ask for any of this to happen, nor would I wish this on my worst enemy. But if 'I' wasn't 'me' living it, I wouldn't know any different either. I'm sorry you feel that way." (Beaming a little)
It's a medium sized office, but not very busy. In fact, I have had so little to do lately, that it is difficult for me at times to switch gears from "off" to "full-boar". I tend to do better when I'm constantly busy and get into a groove. Grieving also can make people forget things they wouldn't typically forget. So perhaps he has a point. I'll have to take a closer look at myself on that. I wonder, does anyone really work well in sudden bursts of projects, then nothing, then back to burst? Maybe firefighters. Good thing I'm not one. I digress.
I hate the fact that they know about H. I received the suicide email while I was at work. I guess, as I was reading H "goodbye, we had some amazing times, please be good to my kids", I was lacking the presence of mind in that moment to try and keep it together and just say "family emergency".
Boss said that I can take 3-4 weeks to find another job, while he finds someone else to do mine. I am probably overpaid based on the responsibilities I currently have. He can find someone to do my job for half of what I make.
He's not an evil boss. He's an insecure bully. A coward. Maybe hes in his own MLC! I still wouldn't even wish that on him. He's under a ton of pressure with various issues that have nothing to do with me. I recognized the projection and blame. I saw what was mine to own, and what wasn't. I believe I can apply some "detaching" skills to this. I'm already growing.
It's going to be ok. It's just more stress that I would rather not have at a time that I really don't need it.
BUT......
Do you know what's really good about this?
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Shining, so sorry you have to deal with this right now. Yes, I’ve been at jobs when I had nothing to do and bored for some time and then I had to work over time because all of a sudden there was a lot of work. I was a consultant, so I was used to work like that. I completely understand what you are feeling. I was on the project when H dropped the B on me. I was in the fog, grieving, trying to make sense of it trying to function. I didn’t tell anybody about my sitch for some time, because I was afraid that they would just let me go. Luckily, I was still able to do what I needed to do for my work.
It sounds like your boss is trying to use the situation to replace you with a less expensive candidate. I don’t know if he can just fire you for the reasons he stated. I don’t even know what to suggest in this situation, except to start looking for a different place to work. I know how hard it is right now, but I believe you can do it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I'm trying not to spiral down with depressing thoughts of job hunting. So, what else, what else, what else..... Oh!
Today is day 4 in a row of me initiating zero contact. (Yay me!). This has been by far the most difficult habit for me to break.
Yes, wise ones, YOU WERE RIGHT. Read below:
H initiated, yes I repeat, H INITIATED 2 emails and several texts the last 3 days in a row. I was a doubter. Not anymore. There was only the first 'one day' of no contact at all. None of the emails or texts had any urgent need, and they were still almost all business (no showings for house, mad at realtor now, he has mail for me)
H asked in a text if he could bring mail to me tonight, followed by complaints about the realtor. I thought, well....first of all, the subject changed, so his mail plan was gone for sure .....no way he'll do what he said he would do. (Right, job?) And he didn't. (You were right, job.)
No matter. There are no bills for me that are sent there, by the way. Only junk mail. But, who knows? It could be my Publisher's Clearing House Grand Prize! Do they still do that? Best to win after the post-nup is signed. Eh, I'd take it now, too.
WOW. If that was only my biggest problem today, that I had to share a large cash sum with H.... Lol
H didn't acknowledge his mother's birthday, which was Monday. Old days, I would remind him. Nope, not anymore. So many things like this pop up, where I notice something I would have done for him, or would have reminded him to do.
On a serious note, H stepdad was moved into an assisted living center today. He doesn't have a terminal illness diagnosed, or anything. He's 85-ish, 12 years older than MIL. I had already heard last week from MIL that this was happening. H told me in a text around 9:00pm that was the reason he didn't bring mail, as H was moving SDad's things for him. I was shocked he would even mention my mail with that going on. They really bounce thoughts, don't they?
Here was the conv:
H: Sorry I did not get back with you about your mail. (Fyi I didn't ask anything about mail) I just now got home for the evening. Mom put (SDad) in a nursing home and I was moving things to the home.
Me: No worries. Is SDad ok?
H: He seems the same. I think it's moms stress
Me: How do you feel about it?
H: It's sad to know he won't see much out of the walls of a nursing home much for the rest of his life.
Me: That is so very sad. I'm sorry.
That was it tonight. Changes in behavior that I notice, subtle, but there. 1. H definitely did start to initiate when I stopped. I didn't believe it until I tried it. The experts are correct. 2. I have slowed my response time from almost immediate, to several hours after H texts. H response time has become almost instantaneous, as he used to let hours go by. 3. I stopped having the last texted word. I would often be he one to "punctuate" the conversation. He can hang instead of me. (except this last one, the example of course, but I felt it was appropriate in this instance) 4. I used to be the one who was thorough, reviewing every topic and question that was asked, and communicating responses accordingly. Now, if I leave things out, he sometimes follows up.
So, onward.
Resume has been updated. Job searching is already beating me up. Time for a break.
Rambling, now. Going to check out y'all's threads
M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 D final 4/15
Oh well maybe it's a new job with more $ waiting for you.
I have a date in September for h mediation app, so now weeks of waiting which I don't do well. I have instigated a joke thread as part of my thread to keep my mind off
He's still nc! I guess mediation scared him. He's fear based.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Shining - sorry about your job. really, but the Good thing(s) are
Your current boss sounds like a jerk- find a job with a nicer boss.
You do not like project type work of busy/slack (some thrive on it) so a job where you are consistently busy may suit you better.
Since it is all change this may be the time for a nicer job.
Where I live you cannot get rid of a worker simply to replace them with someone cheaper. Dismissal is more complicated than many bosses realise these days, especially bullies, who tend to be know it alls. I would check out your rights here. You do not have to stand on them but it might be good to remind your boss even if it is to buy more time.
If this helps, some years back, my eldest son did not like what was going on in his law firm and he said so (he did a consult with another firm and they confirmed that he was correct) He told his firm he could not do as they asked, and they let him go with a good reference and three months full pay. He got another job with a better firm in a better location and is now on partner track. Just so you know it can be positive. Oh and his wife was ill at the time, so it was a brave thing to do.
Hi Shining, Sorry to hear about your job. Boss seems like an a$$ to me . We all have had bosses like that! I also have a job where there are "down times" and times of going "all out". To me it sounds like you have handled your sitch well as it relates to your work. To tell someone that taking a day and half off because of H's suicide attempt is too much is such an awful thing to do! Sounds to me like he's just looking for an excuse.
I KNOW my sitch has effected my work. My W choose a very bad time to pull he MLC as I had just started a new job at a brand new company. W had pushed me to take this job saying she would make enough to get us through until I started to make more $, then left me with negative balance in the checking account! So much damage caused by the person we had always thought we could count on!
Hang in there, you'll do great. Like others have said, this could end up being a blessing! You will get a chance to meet new people and may find a much better position!
A similar thing happened to me as well in June. Employers look at the statistic of the impact a divorce has on an employees productivity. Some will not stand by the employee, even if they are the best employee in the world, but will cut and run.
I am taking it as a sign that I need to find a new direction. I am taking some time off to get most of the clutter in my life cleared up. I will then take as long as I need to explore opportunities before choosing a new direction. It is scary as I have three teen daughters living with me and a boat load of expenses.
I would suggest that you look into yourself and take time to explore where you want to go with your life. Get some lingering projects finished and clear your head for the great future that is waiting for you.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I'm sorry about the job as well. I echo what everon says above-you've gotten great advice . When one door closes, another one opens.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
