or CALL 303-444-7004 to get started right away!

 

 


A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly!
Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching DISCOUNT
SAVE$40 -- 3-SESSIONS for ONLY $350
- valid until June15

CALL 303-444-7004
or to order online at the Divorce Busting Store
use code SAVE$40

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH #2471070
07/21/14 08:26 PM
07/21/14 08:26 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Hi All, First poster here. Tried to post this a couple of days ago but is seems not to have gone through…(or is stuck in moderation). Came across this forum a couple of weeks ago and have just ordered DR (read SSM previously). So great to see a community of people devoted to supporting each other as we all navigate these uncertain times. Hoping I too can find and offer support here as I travel forward….

Current sitch: Early stages of S - H moved out on 2 June 2014. I'd been unhappy in our relationship for the last 6 months or so, largely because H had become withdrawn from R and I was feeling really stuck because H keeps delaying decision to start a family (in hindsight I now see why). H agreed to go to MC in mid-April - said he wanted to go "to support me". However, over the next few sessions: (1) H announced that he'd been unhappy for years (never said that to me previously…in as many words at least), (2) said he felt the relationship was a "black hole", that there was just work and relationship and nothing else in his life (that's sort of true… he sustained a back injury 12 months ago which meant he wasn't able to surf or play ultimate frisbee...the 2 hobbies he used to pursue outside of our R), (3) he didn't know who he was anymore, (4) he wants more fun (fewer chores), more passion/connection. I was surprised to learn all this…but somewhat relieved that the cat was out of the bag. Time to get to work on improving things…after all I want many of the same things.

But…by mid-May he announced he needed some space to figure things out and that we should separate. I was floored and flipped-floppd between being needy (we can work things out!) and trying to be calm. We discussed a little of the terms of the separation - agreed on how to handle finances etc but disagreed on dating. He said he wanted to date other people…so that he could know what it would be like to be with other people (he's only been in one other relationship; he's my only relationship). I asked if there was an OW, he said not and I have no evidence to the contrary. I dropped the issue and tried to show support for the idea of separation - to enable us to "reset". Things had deteriorated badly at home with him retreating to the other bedroom or staying out late, so space seemed necessary at this point. He signed a 12 month lease but reinforced that it was easy to get out of if needed. On the night before he moved out we had a good discussion - he said we would plan to meet every 2 weeks and he spoke a little of other things that are bothering him. He feels stuck in his "sales" job and wants to do a short sale on the investment property that he purchased and we renovated together several years ago (underwater mortgage). (MLC? Is it even helpful to put a label on it?)

Two days later, at the MC, it went downhill fast as we tried to set clearer terms for the separation. In terms of communication: having apparently over-stepped the line by inviting him to breakfast a few days earlier (not giving him enough space), I said I would contact him for emergencies only; he said it would be ok to call if there were things on in town that we could do together (confusing?) In terms of contact: he re-stated that we would catch up every 2 weeks. In terms of dating: he re-stated that if the opportunity were to arise he would like to date other people; I said I thought that would be hard to recover from, that it would be unfair to me and the OW and that I did not intend to date other people in the short term. Then the MC chimed saying: H wants to have his cake and eat it too, didn't see the point in us meeting every 2 weeks or continuing with MC, and asked if we'd considered a legal separation (wait, what?) We argued outside the MC - I felt that the whole thing had just gone from 0 to 100km. We did make a loose agreement that we would take 3 months and re-evaluate after that though I'm still not sure if that was really set in stone.

Post-separation: I went to Uganda for work for 2 weeks after H moved out. We've only seen each other twice since: (1) Mutual friend's farewell party - I tried to be friendly and not initiate R talk, though I think he brought it up first. He said he "doesn't want to be alone but that he doesn't want to be unhappy either." He thanked me for giving him space, seemed angry and stressed (said it was the most stressed he'd been in the 3 weeks since he moved out). I learned he is doing yoga to de-stress! (2) He came over to pick up more things from the house. He wanted to come by after 7pm. I was cursing myself since I'd previously said I'd like to be at the house whenever he comes by to pick things up (he still has keys). So I was feeling rather helpless when I sent a text back saying I was heading out of town for a few days, can he come by before 1pm. Much to my surprise he did come over before 1pm. No R talk. He asked if there was anything we needed to talk about. I said not. He wished me a good trip and said happy birthday for the upcoming Thursday. He still seemed angry and seemed not to make eye contact as much as usual (?) He never sent a text or called on my b'day which hurt a lot.

So that's the story on the R front. As far as how I am doing, I am giving him space and not initiating contact. So far I am finding this easier to do than I imagined (my stubbornness may be an asset here). I have days where I feel like I am a sitting duck…waiting for him to get into a new relationship, if he hasn't already. Other days I question if I want this relationship. Yet other days where all I want is to be able to hold his hand again or spoon in bed. Almost all days I am analyzing, analyzing which is a problem (and something I am prone to do given my line of work). I have been doing yoga regularly ever since mid-April and have started getting into mindfulness meditation to try to settle my mind and develop my compassion for others. I have been out with a few new friends and am exploring options for volunteering to meet more people. I have a plan to move out of our (rental) house at the end of the lease period (end Oct) and into my own place. I think I am doing ok…today at least. I'd like to be tackling more of the relationship issues head on, but know I can't until and unless H decides to try again.

The one thing that concerns me at this stage is the limited contact by him 6 weeks into the separation. Most people on this forum seem to have at least some communication from their spouse. I'm not sure if this is because most people are further along in the process? We don't have kids, don't own any property together, and have separated our finances….so there is no reason for regular contact unless we want it. What did communication look like for others on this forum 6 weeks into physical separation?


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2471116
07/22/14 12:00 AM
07/22/14 12:00 AM
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 329
B
Ben2010 Offline
Member
Ben2010  Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 329
Read my story, no kids, no house, nothing like that to keep us talking. Im at 7 weeks right now. You might be surprised how fast changes can happen.


M:33
W:30
T:10 M:2
B/D: 5/27/14
S: 5/28/14
Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: Ben2010] #2471405
07/22/14 08:16 PM
07/22/14 08:16 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Thanks, Ben. Yes I think I have come across your story. I'll head on over for another read. I am certainly surprised by how quickly things can be dismantled, that's for sure!


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2472330
07/25/14 11:58 AM
07/25/14 11:58 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
No news to report here. No contact in 3 weeks (not even texts) and still waiting for DR to arrive in the mail! Meanwhile keeping busy and GAL.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2472909
07/27/14 09:20 AM
07/27/14 09:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Ugh, weekends are tough. I don't think I ever appreciated just how much being around H made me feel like I was doing something. Now just sitting around the house feels like just that. I need to find me some "at home" hobbies. On the plus side I just sent off a bunch of emails about volunteering opportunities.


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2473552
07/29/14 11:16 AM
07/29/14 11:16 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Well….eight weeks in to our separation - 3 weeks ZERO contact - and H initiated contact by phone! Amusingly techmology failed me so I didn't realize he called until 24 hrs later. Probably good as I might have pounced on the phone otherwise!

So before I called back tonight I wrote a few things down:
- Listen and validate H feelings
- No relationship talk unless he brings it up
- H is an independent person - he makes decisions based on his wants and needs
- Be the woman only a fool would leave

Did 10mins meditation, some power posturing (odd combination) and drew a big STOP sign to refer to in case things headed south in my head. All this for someone I've lived with for 15 years!

Call lasted 2 minutes. His tone was friendly (and I hope mine was too). He said there were 2 things he was calling about:

(1) H asked if I wanted to get together next Wed night for a drink to catch up and talk about things. I said sure…but then realized (thinking to myself) I will possibly be taking on a volunteer role on Wed nights starting next week. So I said I'll have to get back to him about times on Thurs or Fri this week because I have an "interview thing" tomorrow night and won't know til then if I'm available on Wed next week.

(2) He mistakingly thought I RSVP'd to a documentary night thing that his friend hosts and that we used to go to together. Not sure where that was going….but I nipped it in the bud and said I didn't know anything about it.

Tempted as I was to ask how things were at his end I let the call end there with him saying "good luck with your interview thing" on closing.

Pretty happy with this breakthrough! Hope DR arrives soon so that I can be more prepared for next week. Will try to jot some thoughts down in the meantime…


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2473594
07/29/14 01:19 PM
07/29/14 01:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
E
Eatsma Offline
Member
Eatsma  Offline
Member
E
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
Welcome Shebon. So sorry that you have to be here!

Sounds like you're doing a great job. DR is fantastic - if for no other reason that YOU will start to feel like a whole person again. (It does sounds you're doing a great job!)

Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: Eatsma] #2474022
07/30/14 11:53 AM
07/30/14 11:53 AM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Thanks, MLP. I have ups and downs like everyone else. My head is going into overdrive given the prospect of catching up with my H for the first time since we separated. In some ways, although I've been trying to put a bit of a WORK ON ME plan into action, I don't really feel like I've had an opportunity to test it out yet given the no contact. Have I changed? I'm not so sure. I'm definitely trying to do more for me outside of work and I do think my thinking has changed A LOT. Whether or not I am wearing these changes on the outside I just don't know. But I suppose that's not the point...


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2474028
07/30/14 12:06 PM
07/30/14 12:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
So I've been ruminating over the things that I think were problematic in our relationship and my contributions to it. Our stint in MC ended so quickly with him moving out that it didn't really shed much light on his perspective.

This is what I have so far:
- co-dependency (too much emphasis on "us", at the expense of individual identity and fulfillment outside of work. I've not done a much as I could to have my own friends and interests, and sometimes I've been jealous/mistrusting when H has pursued his)
- lack of shared goals/common purpose for marriage (I think this relates in part to the above - without independent goals it's been hard to have shared goals for our life together)
- my relationship with my work (while I did a lot to ensure that I didn't bring work home [no work email on phone, rarely pulled out work computer on home time], I continued to bring work related stress home and depended on H - not me - to manage this stress)
- my "fiesty" communication style (I value that I am open, direct and courageous in my communication but I interrupt too much and this comes at the expense of reflection and hearing what is being said. I sometimes feel out of control of what I say and regret it later, especially during arguments)
- his stonewalling (still reading up on this to understand my contributions)
- sex and affection (M wasn't sexless but we were both left wanting. I didn't understand his wants, he didn't understand mine. In reading more post BD, I now think we might be the same love language but different dialect, with different emphasis on non-sexual vs sexual physical contact)


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: Here starts the journey…WAH oh WAH [Re: gan] #2474031
07/30/14 12:15 PM
07/30/14 12:15 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
G
gan Offline OP
Member
gan  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
And this is my WORK ON ME plan to address the above (for now):

- Learn to take better care of myself emotionally (DOING: meditation, yoga)
- Build social network and GAL outside work (DOING: volunteering applications in, meetup groups joined)
- Learn to be a better listener (DOING: just started reading Non Violent Communication by Rosenberg)

Other suggestions?


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Page 1 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004