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Anders Offline OP
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Journal: August is here and I am trying to maximize outdoor time each day before the weather begins to turn. Work and summer get togethers have kept my mind occupied. The house has felt less lonely with frequent house guests which has been nice.

Then a week ago, I go over for a group dinner at a buddy's place. The sitting arrangement had me next to a female friend of his who separated from her husband. And I had one of the most interesting and insightful conversations I have had in a long time.

It became obvious that she had heard about me and when I looked at my friend, it hit me that this was a setup. It could have been awkward as I mentioned 'my wife' a couple of times and still have my ring on but we hit it off right away.

It was clear that she was very much okay with her separation, being the WAS and was keen on moving on with her life. And it was tempting not to see my WAW in her. Very similar in personality and interests. There were moments where she would flash me a great smile during the conversation. There were other moments when she would flick her hair and I would wonder if WAW was doing the same with another man, still intent on moving on. As we were leaving, she asked for my card to pass to a friend of hers who she said she would refer to me, and giving me hers. A nice way to leave the door open I thought.

I thought about our conversation for a long time and with a mixed bag of feelings. The connection was good but I felt guilty that I enjoyed her company. At the same time, it was like I had a backstage pass to the 'other' side of a WAW which was fascinating. How casual she seemed to be about her husband and their separation. I couldn't help but think if he could be on this board trying to find a way to save their M. And how easy it could turn out for me to be the OM in their situation and one more hurdle for them to overcome. I found it interesting she still kept referring to him as 'my husband'. That really hit me. I am playing with fire here.

My buddy asked me what I thought of her. It was fun chatting and interesting chatting with her but I told him I was not there yet. I won't stop her but I won't give up on W just yet. He took it in stride. What I didn't tell him was how very much that night made me feel that W may really be done.

As it happens, W and I are talking on the phone tomorrow. The first time in a month despite the frequent 'logistics' emails we have been trading back and forth.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
Wow, Where to begin?

A lot seems to have happened over the last week and a half but I will try to keep it short.

One of our windows spontaneously exploded a few days ago. Completely shattered. Some neighbors said it could be due to the heat as there was no sign of any vandalism. I emailed W to let her know and we had a very friendly back and forth about it.

We then talked over the weekend by phone to catch up. We kept the conversation very light but it is the first time since March that we didn't talk about divorce, separation or logistics. It was simply catching up.

I got caught up on her new job and what she is enjoying about it. She seemed to be really interested in the new firm I am joining and what I would be doing. She even was offering up advice about some of the work we will be focusing on. This was a bit surprising as for the last year, she has not really asked anything about work or my plans. Whenever the topic would come up, she would feign an excuse and walk away.

Funny thing is that I was planning on ending the call on a positive note but we got disconnected and could not reconnect. She texted me asking if I could call back. We both tried calling back but no luck getting through for some odd reason. She could hear me but I couldn't hear her. She seemed disappointed and texted if there was something else I wanted to talk about. I said it was simply nice to catch up and she appeared to be surprised at that, replying 'Oh' and 'Yeah, it was nice catching up and to hear how you are'.

We talked for about an hour before we got disconnected. It felt good, natural. Our last phone chat was in early July and was incredibly awkward.

On top of that, I met up with my brother-in-law and to find out that he and his wife are expecting their second kid in a few months time. This was bittersweet realizing the very real likely hood that I may not be a part of their world. I have already missed out on most of my little niece's second year. I kept the conversation focused on him, my sister-in-law and my niece. Nothing about W which I am not sure how he received.

Then my brother called to let me know he has asked his long time girlfriend to marry him! Incredible news as they are a really great couple.

I have been kept busy at work though I do recall reading on someone else's thread that some of us use work as a way to run away from the reality of our situations. I have to think about that. I do worry about her less and less and find I am not worrying about our situation as much though I still have moments of fear. I still pray for her every morning that she will be safe and make the right decision.

Still, after the call we had, I couldn't help but feel happy about it. It has been a long time since we simply had a conversation. And it felt good.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
A roller coaster of a day. Someone found W's profile on a dating site and told me. I shouldn't be surprised as she made it clear she was planning on moving on but still it is very devastating to hear.

I shouldn't have got my hopes up after last week's call but I did. And it really hurts to fall back to the reality of how determined she is that there is no hope for us.

Any advice on what I should do?


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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I had to leave the group of people I was hanging out with when I heard the news as I could barely keep it together. And then broke down on the drive home.

Trying to see the positive if any here. Possible that OM is out of the picture. But all I'm basing this on is that she appears to be making herself available. Or am I just fooling myself.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
I cried, I prayed for help as to what I should do, read through my db notes. Then I caved in and used my friend's account to check out W's dating profile. And there she is, with a picture from our engagement as her main photo. And all the things she is looking for in a man. I felt very tired and defeated.

I had made plans last night to go to a church music worship session before all of this. I was glad I did go even though I had to drag myself out of the house.
But the music was exactly what I needed, providing a lot of comfort. And it sounds cliche but it was very powerful and uplifting.

As I sat in the parking lot, I opened up the 'The Love Dare'. I have been reading through this but have not been able to do many of the dares involving W given our geographic distance. But Day 39 of the book is titled 'Love Endures'. And the love dare is to spend time in personal prayer and then to write a letter of commitment and resolve to the spouse.

And at this point in the game, I think this may be the best course to take. She always loved my love letters to her. And even during the last couple of years, my letters have helped thaw out some icy moments.

I really welcome advice on this. Given the context of my situation, any points I should consider?


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
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Wet Offline
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Posts: 942
Hi Anders, yes I know the pain of seeing your W's dating profile. My first advice is simple - stop snooping! What you don't know cannot hurt you. Perhaps you are like me, I am weak and snoop as a form of self-punishment. I need to grow healthier and stop wanting to hurt myself. But I've stayed away from snooping for over a week, and so can you.

Second, I don't know your sitch but from my quick glance of your recent posts it seems you are having too much contact with your W. An hour long conversation, texting her about your interesting story of a window exploding, etc. I don't know but I think you could benefit from pulling back from her. Don't initiate contact with her, and see what happens. I know its painful, but see if pulling back helps. Good luck.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Anders Offline OP
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Thanks Wet. I was really blindsided by this one. Regular Sat. afternoon, enjoying some good conversation when I hear the news about W's dating profile.

And you are right. I never thought of the pain of discovery from snooping as self-punishment.

Comms have ramped up a bit the past month after long periods of NC over the past five months. I had been taking this as a positive sign. Until my email to her about the window last week, she had been the one initiating contact mainly by text. I thought it was an opportune moment to initiate while having a valid reason and not coming across as pursuing.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Posts: 12,602
What have you been doing for your own GAL efforts?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Anders Offline OP
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Thanks for dropping in MrBond. On my GAL:

-Spending time every week with friends: dinners, BBQs, coffee catch-ups, festivals and concerts.
-Prayer and church.
-Running, yoga and weights 5 times a week.
-Reading a lot of books and material with a focus on my life's purpose: relationships & marriage, separation & divorce, self/spiritual growth, business development, attachment & detachment.
-Spending as much time as I can soaking in the sun and the summer weather.
-I have also been kept busy at work as I wrap to make my transition to a smaller firm (aligned to my life's purpose).


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
So on Sunday, W sent me an email about the window:

W: Thanks for taking care of this. Curious to know what happened but I guess we will never know.
Maybe the house missed the puppy and the glass self imploded?

Me: Lol! A bit of a stretch but within the realm of possibility ; )


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
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