Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Thanks again, very helpful stuff.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
Also keep in mind, mdu, that while your attitudes/behaviors/positive changes may do some things to re-attract your H, *he* is the one who cheated and, therefore, he is the who should be pursuing YOU ... and WILL pursue you ... when he's ready.

No matter how bad of a communicator he is, he is a grown man who won you over once before. He knows how to do it again.

Stay strong. And stay focused on mdu and your changes. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 7,319
MDU,

What would really help is to try and stop your stinkin' thinkin'. It isn't doing anyone any favors at all. Especially you. The OW isn't worth rent-free in your head space at all!
PPPssssswaw! Not even worth it.

Rome wasn't built in a day. Same with restoring your M. It will be filled with fits and starts. I am not at all surprised at your H's reaction and of course he isn't going all into solution-mode when he is JUST processing the fact that the OW is moving to his office.

If it were me, I'd be shocked too if my own OW had moved to my office. Believe me, I've had my own XOW. sick

This is a very new wrinkle and it will take some time for you two work through this separately and together. Demanding answers and solutions RIGHT NOW isn't helping the situation at all. As anyone who's reconciled successfully knows, it is filled with fits and starts.

Hey, want a discount on Wonka's Bobcat of patience?! I've got loads of 'em myself. laugh

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Thx! U guys r the best. Truly don't know how I would survive without this BB.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
I don't know about all of this. H has pulled way back. He almost always texts me 'good morning, have a good day', not today. As I mentioned, he didn't text me at all Saturday or Sunday, except one text Sunday night regarding a kid logistic item.

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. He's obviously not fully committed to me and how am I supposed to take OW in the office with him right now? It's insane.

I looked back at my posts over the last 2 months and H has been saying that he wants to reconcile pretty much from the getgo. But it's the same pattern over and over where whenever it comes down to brass tacks he balks.

At a minimum I feel he should be reaching out to me --- in some way comforting me that he's still with ME even with OW in such close proximity. I am frankly appalled that he's just leaving me to deal with this on my own --- yet says he wants to reconcile? Just doesn't add up at all. Why does he keep saying that he wants to reconcile but then won't show it? Is this normal? Doesn't seem normal at all. Seems like someone who doesn't really know what he wants and keeps stringing me along as his 'Plan B'.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
C
New Member
Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 22
He will not reach out to you as long as OW is in the picture. Any reaching out he does do will be fake and only to get a certain response from you that makes HIM feel good.

So why go there? As long as he has her, he doesn't 'get' you.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
When I read your last message, I notice one major thing. It's all about you -- what you feel or want your H to do and your complaints about what he is doing to you or not doing. I know this is very hard and I know that the situation is very unfair. But, if you really want to get anywhere in your sitch right now, I believe that you have to drop this attitude for awhile. Think about what constructive steps you can take towards making the interactions between you and your H ones that he remembers sweetly and will want to reconnect with. Right now, I think that your actions are driving him further away. Draw him closer now. Be a W only a fool would leave. . .

Last edited by unbidden; 07/21/14 05:42 PM.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
M
mdu Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
Thx unbidden. I appreciate ur offering there counterbalance point of view


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
I get it, he should be making you feel more secure and working harder on the marriage. He should be. But right now he isn't. So the best thing to do, IMO, is to deal with that reality and draw him back in.

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
MDU, I'm sorry this is happening. I really, really am.

I know Starsky gave me a hard time about my observations to you before. But I think I had sound reasons for making them.

Did you ever see your H going through withdrawal from the OW? If not, he wasn't there yet. He may have wanted to be, but he wasn't. Starsky was right that there is a physiological response to OW. Your H may want to control it but he hasn't yet gone through withdrawal. I doubt it would have mattered even if she moved back. Eventually he would have found a reason to interact with her and you'd be where you are now. I don't *know* this to be true but I believe it. H and I would be cooking along in MC making progress, and just the knowledge of an impending trip would make him draw way back. Physically, on the MC's couch, so much that the MC would comment on it.

Some things have their own timeline. We must endure in the face of uncertainty. (See me smacking myself with a 2x4 as I say this to you). This is a great time to quit worrying about his commitment to you and for you to revisit who you want to be -- not only in interpersonal relationships, but in your goals and your future as well. I think you'll be much happier if you can liberate yourself from the urgency of reconciling and take the gift of time as a gift that can be used for you as well as for him.

I don't want to sound unsympathetic because I'm truly not. But you sound like you're in the place I was eight months ago and I know what I wish I had done differently. I'm just trying to share my hindsight with you. But I hope your experience is MUCH better than mine. smile

Hugs to you!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard