Trying to detach

[HeadUp]

So I looked at our bank statement and the W has over drawn the account again. Now I am paying the bills and rent at the house so my children have a place to stay. The W doesn't work. I have been told by people to open my own account and give her checks for what she needs for the house and nothing more. I feel doing this is going to infuriate her and make my chances slimmer. But I can't move forward when out of my check I by gas once and that is all the cash I spend while she is out having a good time spending it all over the place. Am I being petty or do I have a point?

[HeadUp]

Oh god I really want to talk to her right now. Please guys and gals tell me this feeling will pass. I miss talking to her about littlebthings.

[topgunmb]

I understand completely how you feel. It's hard to have that person that you have shared your most intimate moments with, those little inside jokes, glances, and everything else with for so long not there for those things.

It's at times like these that you may need to find something to distract you from those thoughts and feelings so you don't break down and try to contact her. For me, if I'm not at work, then I do something fun with the kids. If they are asleep, then I work on my personal projects or find a game to play that helps me be involved. Heck, even a movie will do in a pinch.

Just know that as time goes on, it will become easier as you let go of that and work toward doing things to better yourself.

[HeadUp]

So I am back to readying DB again. Haven't heard anything from W since Sunday. Getting ready for her to drop off my little ones at my house. Nervous about it because I want things to be ok and I know she is going to be upset or short or I dont' even know. Any advice on children hand offs when you are doing a NC?

[HeadUp]

W text me about me buying a $15 book. I wanted to throw that she blew my whole pay check for going out but I reframed. I thought would me saying this get me closer to my goal. I told her I understand that she was concern about money and I had a 20 on me and I could put it in the bank if she wanted me to. She said thanks and that she wanted to talk about finances on friday when i get paid. I said ok. I didn't argue and I am pretty proud of that. Little step go me.

[Eatsma]

Go you!

[HeadUp]

I was suggested today that I suggest to W that I move back in the house to not separate the family and focus on just the family until the divorce is final. That way we can not both have to be broke as and someone will always be there to watch the kids when she goes out

[Zues126]

Head up, be careful That to me would be interpreted as a way to get your foot back in the door, literally. By all means when finances come up you could talk about considering options to minimize your cost of living...but if she doesn't bring that up I wouldn't.

FYI- I'm currently living in my buddy's basement. My DB Coach told me to start working on a place of my own. I had planned on staying with my buddy until the D was final and I had my own income again, but she said it might look like I was just hanging out in limbo hoping she changed her mind and took me back. By getting my own place I demonstrate that I am moving on and understand this is happening enough to commit to a lease, etc.

Now I'm probably 1-2 months away from my own place and you never know, a miracle could occur. But once I see enough progress on the D to start to get a better idea of when it will be finalized and what my future income will look like I will be moving into an apartment. Unless SHE brings up moving back in for ANY reason.

Good luck Head!

[HeadUp]

Well interesting couple days. She called to the other day because she needed cash for the kids. I stopped by and we talked about M her with OM me with OW. And it didn't bother her that I was with OW. I was hurt by OM but wasn't devistated. I told her I was going to have to move on and lose hope that the relationship w a single going to work out and she said she didn't like that but she wanted her cake and eat it to.

I had to go over yesterday to kkick the people living in my garage. W told me that she wanted us to go to the same C and work on our selves and that we should hold up on the D. So that she knows that she is making the right decision and not an emotional one. I said 5th stupid thing that so we won't be seeing anyone else while we are doing this so we get a clear head and no distra8. She said that she wasn't going to commit to me and that we are single and she thought she saw a change in me. Then she said that if she starts seeing C that we might go to Couples C but that we still might not work.

I feel like a fool saying yes I will be OK with you dating other people so we can go to C and might work it out. I need help
I don't know if I am doing the right thing or if I should not agree to this

[Zues126]

You don't have a choice about whether she sees other men or not. That is her choice. You don't control that. You only control you.

Do you want to try to control her and get angry with her lack of commitment and decisions? Or do you want to validate her autonomy and showcase your 180s?

Do you want to get into a rebound relationship for comfort and in an attempt to manipulate her? Or do you want to demonstrate the character and commitment you are looking for in her?

Do you want to be impatient, demanding more that what she's willing to give, and upset with her for not doing more? Or do you want to be detached, grow to love yourself and the life you've been given, appreciative of your chance to grow, empathetic to her pain and confliction, and supportive of the decisions she must make to take care of herself?

Those are your choices. Which man do you want to be? Which gives you the best chance if reconciliation, and the best chance if future happiness should that not be in the cards? No one said this is easy. You fell short in the R. You get to stay on the same road or course correct.

Wishing you strength!