Doing all right

[BrightFuture]

Opps, my thread locked before I was able to reply.
Here is the link:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2448851&page=11

This is how I feel these days:

“Yesterday my life was in ruins
Now today I know what I'm doing
Got a feeling I should be doing all right
Doing all right

Where will I be this time tomorrow?
Chasing joy or drinking in sorrow
Anyway I should be doing all right
Doing all right

Simply waiting for the sign
Waiting here to find the words to say
Sitting waiting all this time here
All the time you're away
Sitting waiting for the sign
And anyway I got so far

Yesterday my life was in ruins
Now today I've learned what I'm doing
Anyway I should be doing all right
Doing all right”

I think I’m doing all right. Slowly moving towards the acceptance.

Bringing this from my previous thread:

Bright, I do believe there are degrees of MLC. If they do a lot of damage it is harder for them to return - assuming they want to. It really is a question of letting go, and being as pleasant as possible while setting boundaries.

I don’t know degree of MLC my H is in. I think it is very hard on the inside for him, but he is not a mean MLCer and tries to maintain good appearance.

Someone once said it is a fine line between being a b*tch and a doormat.

So true! Sometimes I feel like a doormat for allowing H to kind of cake eating. And then when I think to set the boundaries, I feel like a b*tch.

I think we get to the point when we ask ourselves, would I want this person back in my life? The power is with us - when we are abandoned it feels as if that person takes the power away with them, and gradually as we work on ourselves we start to believe in ourselves again.

For a long time we see ourselves through the eyes of the abandoner, as worthless, but they are wrong, not us. We are people of worth, and they are the ones with problems. Actually internalising this takes a lot of time and work, Easy to say, much harder to do.

I think I’m still in denial thinking that H is still that kind and loving guy he once was. With him being so far away, it is hard to picture him as a troubled man in crisis. I cannot say that I don’t believe in myself. I don’t need H, I can handle almost everything on my own. It was nice to have him doing house projects and taking care of some other things though. And I would love to have all this along with the companionship and friendship we used to have.

Maybe it is finally clicking that I’m not the cause of his unhappiness.

Even if it is, it's not very likely he'll tell you about it for a very long time. But Bea is right - when we're first wounded we put all the power in their hands and hope (reasonably at first) that they will make amends. When they don't, we get hurt more deeply. And we feel like the reasons they spew are true....until we realize they are not (in many cases) true.

It's gradual to be sure, but it gets faster.

Keep sifting through...

Thanks, AJ. H is very stubborn man. Even if he regrets his decision by now, it is very unlikely that he will admit that he was wrong. And even if he admits it, his first words after that would be “Oh well, there is no going back.” He will probably need to hit the rock bottom in order for him to change his mind.

Matt, thanks for stopping by. I’ve been following your updates, just don’t have much time to post. I think the reality will be setting in for you W now, since she moved out. It might take some time though.

[BrightFuture]

Short update. H texted me two days ago asking to send him a company file. I was already driving to work, so I told him that I would do it in the evening.

Yesterday I came home and had a couple of glasses of wine, then I sent a company file to H. In my e-mail I wrote that I don’t get the paper bank statements anymore. I used to print them from online account and reconcile. Now, I don’t even print them, I just save them to my computer. I told him that I do it every 3 months or so, so it is not a big deal (I like to keep an eye on the business, especially now, when I’m not involved much.) But, if he still wants to reconcile them on his own, I can send him the online login info (I’m giving up the control! Good girl! Can pat myself on the back.)

Today, I received a text from him telling me that he transferred money for the condo mortgage. No word about the statements. No reply on e-mail either. Is he thinking it through? Don’t know what to make of this. Just interesting. I totally anticipated him to take over this. Will see what happens.

[job]

Bright,
I wouldn't assume anything when it comes to the MLCer and what they are or are not thinking. He may have skimmed the email and completely forgot about responding to your offer of sending him the online login info or he was focused entirely on the condo payment and the company file.

Right now, your h can only handle one mental task at a time. I would wait a while and if the time should arise that you need to be in touch w/him again, raise the issue. If you don't get a response the second time, well then, you'll have to let the matter sit until he focuses on that particular matter.

How is the job coming along?

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Job. I don’t think H forgot about replying to me. I think he is just sitting on it, thinking. Either he is not sure what he wants to do or he is fine with me taking care of the statements. I am fine too, I don’t want to raise an issue. If he doesn’t respond, I will just continue doing it. It is still a joint business, so it is more for me to be aware of what’s going on with accounts. I do still have a small amount of my money there. I was just surprised he didn’t jump on the offer. I thought he wants to completely take the matters in his hands and slowly push me out.

Thanks for asking about my job. It is going good, actually very good. I’m still learning about the business, but I’m getting more confident every day. My manager talked to me today and gave me praise, again. They are very pleased with the work I’m doing and with my overall responsiveness and good attitude. I don’t do the politics and I treat people with respect. I don’t get upset about stuff not going well or somebody not doing their work. I don’t gossip. I validate. I smile. I always got along with people, but thanks to DB, I’m a lot better person overall and I can deal with issues and be patient and non-judgmental at the same time.

Went to a happy hours today with the IT group. Life is happening!

[tori2012]

BF, I saw your note to Busting. I think about you often too. It's nice to have moved past my marital problems, but I miss you guys :-) Are you on the alt? Would love to connect! You probably read my book is out. Lots of work... Big hug!!

[BrightFuture]

Tori, thanks for stopping by. I’m glad that you feel like you moved past your marital problems. I wish I could say the same. I’m not on alt. And I could not find your book. I wish there would be a way to figure it out. I would love to read it.

I hope nice things are happening in your life.

[BrightFuture]

Just wanted to post this quote from one of the meditations I’m doing. This is something I need to reflect on later.

"Relationship means something complete, finished, closed. Love is never a relationship; love is relating. It is always a river, flowing, unending. Love knows no full stop; the honeymoon begins but never ends. It is not like a novel that starts at a certain point and ends at a certain point. It is an ongoing phenomenon. Lovers end, love continues. "

[BrightFuture]

Well, find it very difficult to write lately. I just cannot formulate my thoughts, feel very tired all the time. I keep functioning at work to my surprise. And then I come home and crush. I’ve been processing my thoughts and feelings and I find that I’m starting to understand what H felt at certain times and why he said what he said and did what he did. Am I entering into my own MLC?

I have to travel for work in a couple of weeks. First I was excited about it. I used to travel a lot for work and it was something that I liked (in moderation though.) Then I realized that this upcoming trip is causing me some anxiety. I never liked the airport security, but I found my ways to deal with it and it was not a big deal. Now, I’m thinking about it as big stress factor. I’m sure I will be fine, just a few unpleasant moments. However, now I understand H.

He always hated flying, but had to do it for work and when we were going on vacations. He loved to visit different countries, so he was handling his dislike of flying just fine. Except after the new security measures were introduced (like full body scanners). I think it also coincided with the start of his MLC. So, I do understand that he didn’t want to fly home every 2-3 weeks anymore. Especially to the house he hated so much. And this is why he is looking for woman who would live with him in that state where he works and travel with him to Mexico for the winter. He just doesn’t want to sacrifice anything anymore and doing things he doesn’t want to do, like flying.

So, I guess this doesn’t make any hope possible. Even if he realizes he made a mistake by leaving me.

[beatrice]

BF like you I have come to dislike flying more and more.

However, I do not think that disliking it would be the real explanatory factor in ending a marriage. There are strategies and good 'short' therapists who can help with this anxiety. That is, they focus on the emotions around the problem rather than doing full therapy, It's been around a while, and it isn't Cognitive Behavioural therapy

The fatigue is probably associated with the stress of dealing with MLC and a new job. Plus we are all getting older. My energy levels are definitely not what they were.

Even now I sometimes have to put myself back together again, and I know widows who have the same problem. We lost something pretty big in our lives.

I admire your understanding towards your h, but would suggest you do not go overboard on this one! It might explain but not really justify what he has done.

[BrightFuture]

Bea, thank you for the kind words and support. I wonder if it is easier for the widows. I think that I had more energy and kept going when I had some hope for my M. I have very little of it left. I just feel like giving up.

It is not only the flying part that made H to decide to end the M. There was my contribution to the problems too. Plus, it is just the whole different life style that H wants now, that includes him not taking care of the house (he still has to take care of the condo though), not taking care of me (it requires some emotional involvement and some work), mot flying, not pretending to be a good guy, etc. He wants to live at the vacation home. He would love to do it full time, but he cannot, he has to make money to be there for a few months a year. But, these few months, he wants to be there 24/7. I don’t fit into this live anymore. I have to work too, and I’m far away from the retirement age.

What I don’t understand though is how he thinks he will be able to find a woman who would be willing to do this life style with him and be free to travel like that. At the same time, how is he going to support her? Does he expect her to find temp jobs? I can only think of one “profession” to be able to do this anywhere any time... A h@@ker…

And, forgot to mention. H doesn’t even like the word “therapy”. He would be adamantly against it. His Mom forced him into some kind of therapy when he was a teenager, claiming that he had a drug addiction (pot.) This was after his parent’s divorce. I always thought that it helped H to develop good coping skills and positive outlook about life. I always thought that he was a lot wiser than I am. Now I’m thinking that he was just pretending, maybe the therapy was not good for him at all. Maybe it even made more damage. IDK.