advice needed - please help

[stacey9]

Hi I am new here. here is my story. Married for 22 years, S18, D20, H left 7 months ago saying he was not happy, had not been happy for years, "is this it?" etc. He swore there was nobody else. Found out a few days later he was in a relationship with someone who lives 30 miles away. it is still going on.
He is in a rented house. In the last few weeks he has been seen several times with OW and I seen them both together last week.
I am devastated and feel my life is over. Trying to keep it all together for the sake of kids/work/house, but am struggling. He is living the good life, all cosy and loved up while I still feel the same way about him as always. I have not pleaded, begged or made a fool of myself, but have on a couple of occasions lost it with him and told him he is the only one who is happy and has ruined our lives. He does not seem to care. I have support of friends and family but feel they are so busy with their own lives, families and problems I do not want to burden them too much. He comes to see kids most days, and only stays for 5 or 10 mins, it is so awkward between us, but we remained polite and made small talk. Since I saw him with OW he has not spoken to me and seems angry with me (I waved at them when I saw them - don't know why).
Our marriage was happy - the last year was not - we had a disagreement which we could not resolve, I dug my heels in and realise I could have done more but I really did not think he would ever become involved with someone else and leave.
My life feels so off balance, I still cry most days.
If anyone can offer me any advice on where I should go from here i would be so grateful.
Thanks so much xx

[MrBond]

Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals who are willing to help you get through this and save your M. Can you give us some of your marriage history?

Also, if you haven't done so already, get the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book. They're great resources and is a must to understand the concepts we talk about on here.

[Maybell]

Stacey, so sorry you're here, but you are definitely in the right place. Ditto to everything Mr.Bond says.

Definitely read Divorce Remedy and take it to heart, particularly the detaching and "get a life" (GAL) information. It will comfort you and give you direction.

Keep posting here and read other peoples threads to get your bearings. We've got your back. As we get more of your details you'll get better and better advice.

Hugs to you, and take care of yourself. It does get better.

[stacey9]

Thank you so much Mr Bond and Maybell for your kind words. I am just losing hope as the days are going by and I see his R with OW getting stronger. Our M was happy and I have loads of great Christmas and holiday memories I will treasure, but even the day to day stuff was good,we got on well, laughed at the same things, walked together in the evenings. But his view on the M is now so different from mine.

DB arrived yesterday, but I haven't read it yet. Looking back I can see I had jealousy issues - H is a very attractive guy and is never short of female attention. He has not had an A to my knowledge, but there have been several indiscretions over the years - flirtations that went a bit too far, and I hated that. So whenever he said he was going out with the boys, an arguement started but we always made up. Up until last year that is. I would not back down and when I eventually did it was too late - he had distanced himself from me and appeared to have moved on. That's when the "I've not been happy for years" started.

If I could go back I would have handled things a lot differently - I can see now that by stopping someone from doing something they want to do will only make them want it more. I wish I'd came across these forums before all our problems started! I would do anything to have him back, and of course I would not try and stop him going out with friends and doing what he wanted.

I feel this should have been our time, the kids are older we could have been planning things together but instead he seems to be happy with OW. And it's killing me.

Does anybody know if there is anything I can do to change things, has anybody been in a similar sitch to mine and turned things around? Now he appears to be not speaking to me at all I just don't know what to do.

Thanks so much
Stacey xx

[MrBond]

Read the books. That would be a good start.

Can you tell us more about your M issues and what else might have been going on, including your role? Be honest with yourself. We can't help you if you sugarcoat things. The more detailed you can get, the better.

[25yearsmlc]

Yes, please tell us specifically what HE would say if he were here and we asked him what problems existed.

And then you can feel free to tell us how YOU saw it differently and what you are willing to work on. Of course there is hope, you are quite new to this.

And DO READ THE BOOK(S) b/c they'll help you no matter what stage you are in.

Don't talk yourself out of working on this,

and don't talk yourself into letting anger or a wounded ego, make your choices for you. BTW, I gave my marriage a "10% chance of surviving" in 2006, and I meant it.

But I'm still here. Yes you can turn things around, but take in the information we give you. Process it and don't skim over the "harder parts".

Give this simple but radically different approach to marital problems --- a real chance.

[stacey9]

okay - if he was here I think he would say he felt trapped and could not do whatever he wanted when he wanted. Just before he left and we were having a heart to heart he did say he was fed up looking after everybody, he just wanted to look after himself and come and go as he pleased. Ironically since he has been with OW straight after he left me, he has not done anything other than be with her every weekend, there have been no planned trips with the boys etc (I heard this through mutual friends).

He is a very attractive, charming and confident man and I would love to be able to say well at least he chose me, but the truth is he didn't - it was me who chose him, and pursued him and decided this is the man I want to be with. Sure, he did love me but I do feel if he had the chance to do it all again, he maybe wouldn't.

Even on occasions I have been with him, I can see other women giving him the eye and I can only imagine how easy it must have been for him when I was not there. Hence all the arguing about nights out etc.

He also told me before he left that he was going for a walk in the evening with me just to keep me happy for spending a bit of time with me, when really he wanted to be playing his sports etc.

When I finally confronted him about the OW, he said it is somebody he met at work, been friends for a long time and that nothing was going on prior to him leaving. He also said if he stayed with me he would be unhappy for the rest of his life, which was heartbreaking to hear.

I am very insecure and am not as extroverted as he is, he finds it easy to talk to people and make friends and I struggle with this. So I think I was jealous of him also - everything seem to come easy to him.

I don't think I appreciated him enough, he worked hard for us, we have a nice house and he made me feel safe. I really miss that.

But he did not appreciate me either, in the 9 months prior to him leaving he stopped wearing his ring and I never questioned him about it. I just stopped wearing mine too - mature huh? He did not show me any attention or want to go out anywhere with me, he just became completely withdrawn. When I realised he was was serious about leaving I tried to talk to him about how I really felt, I did not want him to go, but it was too late.

In 2012 we had another big row about the same sort of thing and I asked him to leave. He stayed with his brother, but after 2 days begged to come home. He was really distressed, he missed me, the kids, his life. He said he loved me and could not imagine life without me. I felt he meant what he said then, and things were great for a while after that but we didn't really speak about the issues which caused it all in the first place.

Now when he comes round to see the kids I do not know what to do with myself. I have been polite to him and make small talk, but I have this overwhelming urge to reach out and touch him!

Now he is not speaking to me at all since I saw him with the OW.

Sorry for such a long post, thank you for showing an interest in my problems and trying to help me. I really appreciate it.
Stacey xx

[MrBond]

Still around?

[stacey9]

Yes mrbond I am still here still waiting on my post appearing as I'm still new here. H came round today I attempted to speak to him but he's still not talking and looks at me with contempt in his eyes. It's just awful.

Just don't know what to do.
Stacey x

[stacey9]

hi, I'm hoping someone can help me with this. H was round tonight, still not talking, when I said hello he looked as if he'd rather I didn't speak at all. Then just before he left he asked if he could speak to me about the finances. Since he left he is still paying the mortgage and I am paying the bills. I asked what he meant and he said how we are going to take things forward. I told him I thought the finances should be dealt with by lawyers and he said well that's what we need to speak about. The D word was not mentioned but I'm thinking that's what he wants.

The relationship with the OW seems to have stepped up a gear and I suspect she may have moved in with him. He introduced her to some of his family members and I think it must be really serious.

I am distraught and don't know what to do. How should I deal with things? He is coming round to speak to me next Wednesday when I have the house to myself to discuss things. He just seems so far gone to even contemplate any talks about R with me. Should I agree to D? I don't want one obviously, I still love him. What should I do?
Thanks
Stacey