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woundedfool #2478478 08/13/14 11:42 AM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Yes I do talk with him often about his job, he seems to need to "talk" it out and I listen and often check back in on certain details later on,,like there was a person who was being suspended,,I ask later what eventually happened.

We can talk about anything with ease, except for our M or R. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks and neither has my H (H does not want to discuss M has not without me starting the talk since BD).

Not able to take him lunch, he works in a secured building, they dont even leave for lunch.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/13/14 11:42 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2478859 08/14/14 02:12 AM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
We can talk about anything with ease, except for our M or R. I have not mentioned it in a few weeks and neither has my H (H does not want to discuss M has not without me starting the talk since BD).


You have not mentioned in in a few weeks????

Don't mention it at all, for maybe the next year.


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2478937 08/14/14 11:29 AM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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@Wounded

Yes I think I hinted/mention at R talk about a few weeks ago, sometime late June early July.

My plan is to NOT bring up M or R talk, unless I have decided I no longer want to "stand" bascially if I decide I'm ready to move on and have my H move out of our home and or if I'm ready to file D. If I need to discuss/review boundaries with H, this will bring up a R talk.

But, I do want to see where H is at as it relates to our M, but instead of talking about it, I will pay attention to signs and H behavior. I know men express themseleves in other ways then talk, and my H is not a talker at all!!
Last R talk that I brought up was 6/22 and it started out as a talk about needing to use protection during sex.

Last edited by 2BHappy; 08/14/14 11:34 AM.

Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479006 08/14/14 03:11 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Phone call with H

Me: Dont forget about football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: We need to drive separate cars, and why not?
H: need to get ready for work, get something to eat,,,,
Me: Come dressed for work and bring something to eat or eat at game.

Anyway,,,he starts in about how he will do what he can to be there and I told him he will only be able to make a couple of games and need to stay the whole time at those, and that I'm not sure why he can not try to adjust his work scheudle to make more of the games.

He tells me that his dad came to NONE of his games and his mom only came when he was in 12th. I was like our son is not you he wants and needs his parents at his games..this is what he has always known. Reminded me that not all of the boys have dads in there lives and so they will not have a dad at the games.

H then tells me how he has no time for himself and that he also would like to take some time off to go visit his family in his home town. (not sure what this had to do with this conversation about sons games)

So I told him, do what is best for him, he has the schedule of the games and that I would not mention it again to him.

I plan to post the schedule on the fridge so I can back out of this...

I can handle him ignoring me and not spending time with me, but H told me over and over and over again that he was staying for our son, that he needed to be here for our son...

SO I would think attending these games would be important!!!

OK I got mad for a second, said what I wanted to say,,and now I will move on from this...

H is a good dad, I know this in my heart. And for the most part 99% of the time he is right there...so why is this upsetting me so much?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479033 08/14/14 04:27 PM
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I think you missed an opportunity here.

Guessing from the tone of your post, it feels combative. I don't see much validation in your responses.

First, I would have had the conversation like this:

Me: Just a reminder, S13 has a football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: So we need to drive separate cars?
H: Yep
Me: OK

You have no idea if he would, or would not have left early. Who knows? But I am guessing now, he will leave early come hell or high water.

If it would have evolved past that....And this is second guessing/hindsight: But after the first line about work, I would have said something a little more affirming: "I know you work real hard, and it is the busy time of year, but S13 really likes seeing you at the games". Or "I understand how you feel about your parents not attending and it hurts knowing they didn't seem to find the time for your interests, but you are a different from them".


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2479053 08/14/14 06:01 PM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Wish I had you on speed dial.

I know I needed to pull back and just validate. I got mad quickly,,,so I wonder if something else is bothering me,,,oh yeah I know...my H BD and no longer wears his ring and I have no idea about the outcome of my M, and my anniversary is coming up and I have to be ok with not doing anything with my H to celebrate...OK vent over


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
2BHappy #2479073 08/14/14 06:42 PM
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Hi 2B,
My Anniversary is coming up as well on the 21st. Last year W was still at home and she actually said "We could go out if you want. Just don't make a big deal out of it, OK?". Oh, yeah, just our 20th year M, no big deal there! I gave her a copy of our wedding video on DVD, she left it here when she moved out, just like her wedding dress (which she "loved" and treated like it was gold our whole M!).

It's just gets so old always having to be so very careful what we say and how we say it! Here they have ripped our lives and families apart, have said and done so many awful things and we're the ones that always have to be careful not to "hurt their poor MLC feelings". Find some way to "validate" the crazy things they say without totally debasing ourselves and sounding like the nutty thing they just said is just fine!

I know how hard it is when they are still at home, believe me. It's constant and you are always waiting for what's next. Hang in there 2B, you're going to get through this. Breath deep when he pulls his crazy out and always remember to take care of yourself!

2BHappy #2479074 08/14/14 06:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: 2BHappy
Wish I had you on speed dial.

I know I needed to pull back and just validate. I got mad quickly,,,so I wonder if something else is bothering me,,,oh yeah I know...my H BD and no longer wears his ring and I have no idea about the outcome of my M, and my anniversary is coming up and I have to be ok with not doing anything with my H to celebrate...OK vent over



EXACTLY!!! Vent HERE not to him!!!

Your definitely not getting an anniversary card from me... so no big deal if I get offended smile


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
woundedfool #2479140 08/14/14 10:28 PM
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Hi 2B~

"Me: Dont forget about football game on saturday.
H: I know I may not be able to stay whole game.
Me: We need to drive separate cars, and why not?
H: need to get ready for work, get something to eat,,,,
Me: Come dressed for work and bring something to eat or eat at game."

Be careful here, 2. This sounds a bit like mothering. If there's one thing the MLCer really hates, it's being questioned/told what to do.

I get it. You want to know what the heck is going on. You want to make sense of what he's doing, the choices he's making. Sometimes, that's just not possible.

I remember one time, a little over a year post bomb, H came to me with this ridiculous story of how he was going out with his brother, but then he was going to spend the night over a friend of his brothers - someone he'd never met before. It made absolutely no sense. It had ow written all over it. I of course did ask him questions about it.

Urworthy and Job both gave me the same advice - just let him be. That the more I questioned him, the less he would hear me. He would only think - "There goes TVS again, blah blah blah...".

Let him do his thing, you do yours.

The anniversary thing is tough, SO tough. Special occasions and holidays are difficult for them, a reminder of so many things.

Our first anniversary post bomb was our ten year. We did nothing to celebrate, I think he hung out with ow.

I left him a card on the kitchen table to open with no one around. He did thank me later on.

So if you want to acknowledge it with no expectations, you can. See how you feel. Know that just because he doesn't acknowledge it, doesn't mean he forgot. He just can't go there right now.


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
woundedfool #2479169 08/15/14 12:02 AM
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2BHappy Offline OP
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Yes, I will vent here.


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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