Today went well with very little thought about W, OM, D, etc. I still wish there was another way but it's her free will. The more I work on my issues, the more I see that she hasn't been happy. I do not think it was all me though. Talking with people that know her and us well, has put on a new light. She has always been selfish and self centered. I have always just given in. Had I had boundaries, that may have prevented this or may have caused greater conflict. I see now that the first half of our marriage was a power struggle; one that I caved into. I know I had a lot of anger and it wasn't handled well; I'd gone to the wrong ICs and used the wrong meds. On again, off again happy pills did a number on me. My sexual addiction was really bad but to this day W knows only a small amount. I know that did a number on my interactions with her.
I finally have a solutions based IC to help. We are working on a few things. I'm still seeing my pastor regularly. Just got paired up with a FMO member to help with the porn issues. I'm not having much of a struggle yet but I want to head of and future problems.
Will she had not fully moved into OM's apartment, her change of address with the post office and new bedding sent to that address tells me all I need to know. She still has not filed D. According to my mom (mediator), she's been given more wrong advice. She thinks we need to tell the boys what's going on first as if it'll happen fast and make any difference to the way things are right now. She also has been told that when she files with the court, they will assign a mediator too us. I bet he'll do a great job; not. It took 30 seconds for me to find 10 mediators in the area.
She also told mom how shocked she was that I took those boxes out to her van Sunday. Also shocked that I was able to find out about her gmail email address and PO box address. Again lied that gmail was old and forgotten about (despite change of password Saturday). Also lied that she was working in a different store last Monday (cell phone bill shows she was at OM's).
Trying to have a PMA, and GAL. Going to a BIL's house for the family 4th party. W is working and won't be there. Have a Ukulele group gathering the following weekend. Will be taking lessons. Planning the vacation for the boys and I. Hotel is booked and park tickets purchased.
Been talking to a young woman... a lot. Have nagging thoughts in the back of my head that I should not do this. It helps with PMA and getting mind off W, A, OM, D, etc.
Journaling: Told my the woman that my focus rught now is healing myself and my boys. She wanted more than I can give. I do not want to walk in W's shoes. This hit me pretty hard yesterday as reality set back in. No more medicating.
W was at my house to spend time with the boys... at least S12. S16 took off to a friends house at some point and spent the night. I'm worried that his and my talk the other night about all this might have upset him more than comforted him.
Was at IC and DevorceCare meetings all night. IC told me to email W with bullet point requests for information but must word it so it's not demanding. *Would like to know W's child visitation schedule one month in advance. She works retail and knows her schefule several months out. * Would like to know her plans for visitation when she moves into OM's appartment. *Would like to know status of kids counseling appointments. I have made appointments with pastor but W has better availability to get the boys to the counselors office durring the day. There were other points that for some reason I'm drawing a blank on right now.
Not sure If I should ask about the status of the divorce or not. I just want this A to be over. I am frusterated more than hurt right now. So worried about the affect of all this on the kids.
Not sure how to handle this. I know I chose to go dark, but her calling my mother to talk about thing's I've done or said without discissing with me is ticking me off. Today W called mom to say "she thinks she found a mediator". They were reccomrnded by a lawyer that works in her store.
Yeah, a lawyer that works for Lowe's is a great source for a referance.
Now W tells my mother she does't want to tell the kids anything until after the divorce... like this process will only take a few weeks?
I just keep telling myself to believe non of what she says and half of what she does.
My mom has done a wonderful job of keeping W and I focused on the boys. I have told mom a bit about going dark . She has learned now to just listen and maybe affirm some. Other than that, W is trying to tell on me... "Did you know he did this or that." "How did he find out my new address?" Etc.
W can't or won't talk to me, so she calls mom. Then, this is funny too because she blames mom some for the A just like she blames me.
sorry to keep posting dribbles but my IC emailed me the bullet points we think need to be addressed. I'm thinking of just shooting W an email as I don't want to hear any more of her lies and "I was told"s.
Here is the list of my concerns from my last meeting with IC:
- telling kids about divorce - coordination of visits - telling kids about OM - where visits will happen - W not spending time at house (marital home)
Talked with mom today. She told W there is no more to talk about and to stop rehashing all the old stuff. W complained that S16 hates her because I told him about the A. So I guess her actually having one and leaving us isn't the problem, just me telling him! Whatever.
W called today despite my request to only email. She was asking my plans for the weekend since she has Sunday off. I guess she doesn't expect that I would want to spend a weekend with my boys. We are heading to a BIL's house for a family 4th of July party. We'll be spending the night and be back sometime on Sunday. I told her I'd text when we know the plans. She'd had them a lot and there still isn't a set schedule.
Then she asked about a facebook post I made this morning.
Quote:
For parents and parental figures, I thought I would share a story I just heard about a mother bird and a nest of new chicks.
One day on a farm, a barn caught fire. Inside the barn, the mother bird covered the chicks with her wings. When the firefighters put out the fire and began checking out the barn, they were surprised at what they found. The mother bird had sheltered the baby chicks under her wings. She was burned to death, but the little baby chicks were still alive, safe from harm under the mother bird’s wings. She gave her babies refuge until the disaster passed. What a dramatic picture of sacrificial love!
This came from a devotional I early read this morning. She asked if it was a dig toward her. I guess I can see how she would read it but honestly I was thinking only about myself as a parent and what I must do for my children. This I told her. She then went on to comment how she really liked all of my other facebook posts as of late. These other posts have been Christian based images with my comments being about my PMA and GAL. Not sure why she had to tell me this. Shouldn't read into it I know but I am curious.
Got second notice that my job is done shortly; it's not an if, it's a when I lose my job. Very emotional day. On the ride home W texted me that we have a meeting with pastor on what to tell the boys. Was already in tears with stress and hurt.
Went to a support meeting this evening. Every thing seems to be crashing down more. I'm in a very dark place right now. Sent off texts to some friends while meditating at a local forest. Sent text to W too. That got misread. I guess she read my asking her to show empathy to the children that I was asking her to come back. I also told her I lost the job. She wanted to stay at my house until I got home but mom told her to leave. She told mom she HAD to tell me again she was never coming back to me.
Can't have her hanging out here while still hot and heavy in the affair. She was supposed to be visiting the kids but between calls to her sister about my text (timing) and lots upon lots of texts to OM (cell bill snoop), she could not have done much with them.
Still no word on the D. Really want to detach but keep backsliding. I need to find some way and some help to move on. Anyone?
