She says she's conflicted (part 2)

[Oxford1]

Hey Ox , Im relatively new here and Ive been reading your sitch and we have alot in common Bro .I do the same thing > She is supposed to be home but doesnt show > So you wait 30 mins ( which seems like days ) and she still not home so you text her .BAM!!! huge mistake > Everytime I do that it goes bad for me . Not only does she still not come home on purpose then when she does she is pissed that IM trying to control her > Im starting get onto this DBing stuff > Its all starting to make sense . She doesnt want to be controlled , who would . What she is doing when shes not with you is beyond your CONTROL . So if you cant control it , let it go . I know its hard man and I feel for you bigtime but its true , you cant control her , just like she cant control you . A good relationship should never be controlling anyway .My wife has been having an affair for 7 months know , 4 of which Ive known about . Talk about hard to deal with . I dont know how I am doing it , it must be the detachment

Thanks and I agree. Its just that I feel like she has always felt like I have no business knowing anything but the minute I get up I am drilled on every little item.

[Oxford1]

"But I do not understand the head games..."

She's NOT playing head games. YOU are.

So she's not home. Big deal. Let it go. You're doing this all to yourself.

Update


I have to stop assuming he is here. Apparently if he comes it will be in late August before the holidays. She plans on spending the Holy days with the family..

She walked in and after I handed her a cup of hot tea she told me what happened.

First when she called OM, he told her about all the Cr@p in Israel right now. He has a Birthright Tour of over 30 kids and they cant go to the old city of Jerusalem because of the riot. She reiterated to me thats why she could never live there its to FVKeed up.

Anyway she told AP that she and he had to just be very good friends at this point. That she would not stay with him, that he has to rent a car and she will only meet him for a few hours for lunch or go for a walk in a public place. No true alone time.

She told the MC and me, that she is devastated that she allowed her relationship to get in the way of her morals. Yes, she though we were divorcing, yes she thought she was done with me but she should never have gone to bed with him it was wrong.

That when she was in Israel the last time she moved into the other room was to not get him sick, but the truth was its not that she was not feeling well, she moved into the guest room because she was uncomfortable.

He went ballistic according to her..her words were "I got stuck longer than expected after I opened up my feelings to OM"

She told me that it was like an hour of dealing with him about her plans. Which included not staying with him in his hotel. Only meeting him publicly etc..just like two friends..Only walks in public areas. You see she does not feel comfortable showing affection in public. What I don't get is way she allows him to get all up in her face and controlling but if I just inhale wrong I am accused of these tactics.

Where I needed to rubber band myself (I am thinking of an electric dog collar) but the rubber band helped, was I said "oh and I am the controlling one?"

Her response was...Don't go there! (Still defending this louse)

Anyway this morning she said she had some paperwork. I politely said, just do us a favor and don't start working on the weekends so you can cut out of work to see OM...She did not like that...got all huffy that it has nothing to do with him

I told her the way I always caught her was the excessive weekend paperwork, before he showed up.

She said she would tell me and she is still trying to convince him not to come...but that my comment was controlling not his insistence on coming anyway!!

Then she kissed me good morning and I said to her you still avoid my lips like I have the plague but when you see him its going to be tongue time..She actually laughed at this and said you know I don't show affection in public so don't worry!!

This is what I don't get...the lack of real affection..she will hug me if she thinks that's what I want..but no real affection..

Then I did say so when are you going to box up those brass rings and ship them back to him..she gave me the look. Still not ready I assume to end this immature commitment they made!

The marriage Counselor believes as long as she does follow her commitments of only friendly meetings I should be OK with this. Especially since she said that she planned on following this as long as we are married. The MC believes that the longer she does this and the more time she spends with OM on her turf in the US the more it will drive a wedge between them. she has started to complain to the Good Dr about OM and she complains about stuff that if he was her husband (ME) the MC would recommend divorce

So my goal is to just shut up and not talk about anything to do with the OM or the relationship. Especially tomorrow when she and I have a 5 hour drive together!

[Oxford1]

Really good friends with her unstable OM. You are actually ok with this?

IMHO, why does she need to be close friend and have friendly meeting with him?

You are ok with that?

No not at all read what I am attaching and see what happened today.

I am also trying to see what is pushing a boundary and what is setting one.

I try to set boundaries and it always results in me looking like the bad guy.

For example today the wife went in her home office to work.
Before I took my shower she said she wanted to get her work phone to check email.

When I looked she also took her " special phone".

So I went in her office and nicely said, " can you not use that for on the weekend, I thought you said these three days were for us" she starts in with I knew you would check...I can do whatever I want I am a free woman etc...you can't control me...

I said fine then tomorrow when we go to see our S21 leave it home...her comments were " wash rinse repeat " of the above.

I told her forget it just forget it. You can call your son and say your going by yourself"

She asked me to leave the room.

While I was in the next room cleaning the fish tanks I admit it was passive aggressive but I made comments...kind of in the realm of ...oh no I did not call him he thinks I am dead..or oh I need to talk to my American mistress it's been ten minutes...

She came out of her office angry as hell ..I looked her in the eye and said...

Here's my boundary ...you will not take that cell phone with you tomorrow...of course she goes off again...
She says you are wrong I am not in a Fog...I am not a drug addict ...I told you it's just that he gets worried and he's a sweet guy and I can't hurt him!"

So here was my comment:

" your idiot has you on such a short leash..yes he's 6500 miles away, but you are in the most controlled intrusive relationship....
You are on the shortest leash in the world!"

Her next comment was " oh that's a new one I have not heard"

Within 5 minutes of her walking away, she's back in the room being all sweet and nice to me and agreeing to leave her phone home tomorrow.

So I am wondering did I push to hard...I mean how do I set a boundary or ask her to respect me without somehow it involving the OM?

[Oxford1]

I'm sorry, but your MC is very sketchy to me. I cannot imagine one saying a close friend ship with an affair partner while working on an existing marriage is a good idea. I just can't.

She feels that the wife still has strong feelings and that she is afraid to let him completely go.

I think my wife is a little spoiled brat and is off her rocker.

I think she does not want me to have another wife and believes that no one but her deserves OM.

Truth is she does not see that no one else wants OM that is why he has not been married since 1995.

Funny thing is my wife says his 17 year girlfriend had all sorts of issues and that's why she stuck around him....ah duh...anyone who sticks around this guy has emotional problems..

[catperson]

Ox, the boundary thing is the ONLY thing you have control over. And it is NOT controlling. Well, it is controlling YOU. "Wife, if you contact OM in this house today, I'm going to stay with Joe for the night. You can take Son to his piano practice by yourself." Or "Wife, if you bring your special phone with you to see Older Son this weekend, I'm going to rent a separate room to stay in and see him on my own time and rent a car to get home because I don't want to spend my weekend with a woman who blatantly cheats in front of me."

That's a boundary (don't contact OM) followed by what the consequence will be (loss of you for the day). It's then HER CHOICE if she wants to contact him so badly that she'll risk facing your consequence. That's not you controlling her at all - it is you protecting YOURSELF.

Do you see the difference?

[MrBond]

"Anyway this morning she said she had some paperwork. I politely said, just do us a favor and don't start working on the weekends so you can cut out of work to see OM...She did not like that...got all huffy that it has nothing to do with him"

Controlling.

"I told her the way I always caught her was the excessive weekend paperwork, before he showed up."

Controlling.

"Then she kissed me good morning and I said to her you still avoid my lips like I have the plague but when you see him its going to be tongue time..She actually laughed at this and said you know I don't show affection in public so don't worry!!"

Passive aggressive.

"Then I did say so when are you going to box up those brass rings and ship them back to him..she gave me the look. Still not ready I assume to end this immature commitment they made!"

Controlling. You're the one acting immature. A real man understands his self-worth and wouldn't care what she did.

"Here's my boundary ...you will not take that cell phone with you tomorrow...of course she goes off again...
She says you are wrong I am not in a Fog...I am not a drug addict ...I told you it's just that he gets worried and he's a sweet guy and I can't hurt him!""

Controlling. Demanding that she not take her cell phone with her is NOT a boundary. It's you trying to establish control.

You really haven't learned much have you? Why do you think you're in the same situation?

"I think my wife is a little spoiled brat and is off her rocker."

That's evident it's how you think about her. You keep treating her like a child. Are you her father or her husband?

[figgeroni]

you are acting like a spoiled brat.

she kissed you and you whined around because it wasn't how you wanted?
you demand that she do certain things?
you accuse her of cheating after she told you she isn't?
you make snide comments about someone she cares about?

my aren't you being a prize!!!!

you really need to focus on yourself and not your wife and definitely not the OM

[Oxford1]

you are acting like a spoiled brat.

she kissed you and you whined around because it wasn't how you wanted?
you demand that she do certain things?
you accuse her of cheating after she told you she isn't?
you make snide comments about someone she cares about?
This I get, because when the Affair was only emotional she said my digs about him and her relationship frustrated her.

my aren't you being a prize!!!!

This is where I get confused. Am I supposed to look away. am I supposed to allow her to continue her relationship right under my nose?

I am hearing from some to demand she stops her affair:

Really good friends with her unstable OM. You are actually ok with this?

IMHO, why does she need to be close friend and have friendly meeting with him?

You are ok with that?

And also:

I'm sorry, but your MC is very sketchy to me. I cannot imagine one saying a close friend ship with an affair partner while working on an existing marriage is a good idea. I just can't.

I feel like I am getting so many mixed messages here. Do I try to end her affair or what? Not being angry truly asking for some feedback..

you really need to focus on yourself and not your wife and definitely not the OM

[Oxford1]

I agree, I need to not treat her like a child.

I know she is getting that from OM, he tells her to not call me her husband. He demands that she says the house I live in etc...

He even told her to call his car her car and that she HAS to call his apartment their apartment or he would ignore her!!!!!

I can not believe she puts up with this.


My concern is, how is asking her to not text him and call him right under my nose when we are visiting our son being controlling.

Would any man allow his wife to text her "boyfriend" right in front of him...

I have learned a lot from this site. I avoid any relationship talk, I have learned to ignore her temper etc. Except when it gets out of control, but I am not responding with anger.

The only thing is today she came home and was biting at me constant biting, the woman I had been married to was back..I even said, I can tell your viewing us as married because your admitting when I upset you...

She said that was true and she appreciated that I was not getting angry back at her.

Then about an hour later she went all manic about something I was supposed to do for her without checking whether I had done it or not..

I did say to her...Look I know you spoke on the phone today, just because someone else is getting you worked up don't take it out on me. I don't deserve this.

She got into something about her affair. I said I don't really hold that against you its just that even your affair is my fault.

She said look it did not get physical until I asked you for a divorce (my words from weeks ago), I said I know that and now that your home I don't even think about that anymore..

It calmed her down...

[Oxford1]

No , you are misunderstanding me completely.

I am not telling you to demand that she stop her affair . I am telling you to put up a personal boundary. To say you will not be a third party in a marriage. That leaves her with a choice. It's not demanding her to do something.

Unless you are with being a third part in the marriage. But it is evident you aren't and you are very resentful and focused way too much on OM.

So , I have explained this before. You decide what you will tolerate. Then she decides if she is willing to respect that. If not, you go about your business and leave out OM.

Thanks!! I was totally misunderstanding you.

I guess I am missing the fine line between selfish demands and boundaries.

I really avoided the OM until she was all hyper sensitive tonight. I know he is driving her nuts. The thing is she so much defends him and does not want to hurt him.

she even once said a long time ago that even though he yells at her and never stops talking she rather deal with that then me..

Once I heard her yell at him..in 25 plus years of marriage my husband never spoke to me the way you do and I am not going to put up with it.

But guess what that was almost a year ago!!