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job Offline
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I am very, very sorry to hear about your situation.

Well, if he thinks he can manage to be a father to his children, then so be it...but there will come a time when your sons are going to want a relationship w/their mother. Sometimes, children have to live w/the runaway spouse for a while to actually get a taste of what life is like w/him/her.

You've done everything you can and yes, it's now time to get off the coaster and allow them to live together on a full time basis. However, there is one question that comes to mind...are you going to have to pay child support to him?

Unfortunately, and I hope that I am wrong, but I don't think he's going to be the type to leave you alone for long. He thrives on the drama. As for your sons, I do hope and pray that they don't follow in his foot steps and carry that anger around w/them full time.

I am going to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Continue to watch your back. I don't trust any of them right now.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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BRNR Offline OP
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job - I will probably have to pay child support. And while it will be a struggle, it will pale in comparison with what I have been going through.

I have always wanted my boys to have a relationship with their father, and I am most upset that I have been cut out so they can do that.

But Job, I am truly done. My boys will have to figure out where they go from here.


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
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And Job, I hope you are wrong and that everyone can move on from this in the best way possible.

Thank you for the prayers. It means a lot.


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
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Posts: 28,295
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job Offline
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I truly hope that I'm wrong too. I don't want to see anyone have to deal w/this type of drama on a daily basis for years and years.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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kml Offline
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Wow - what a jerk!

Can't help but think that his main motivation is financial. However, it's worth keeping in mind that teenage boys often want to live with their father anyway - it's an important father-son bonding time. The best you can do is keep a clear path home. I would fight for some visitation though, just to enable you to keep in touch and make sure they are not suffering at their father's hands.

I've seen this happen to some other women here on the boards, usually it takes a while but eventually the kids find their way back to you. Your ex won't be able to keep up the facade with them forever.

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Yeah KML - what a miserable spiteful man he is.

I am asking for joint legal and physical custody and visitation.

I too believe this is motivated by money, but what I think all child support paying parents believe is they PAY for thier kids 100%. Do they not realize that child support doesn't put a dent in children expenses and we still have to come up with other means of paying for things. Ugh! But I digress.

I am sorry to hear that this has happened to other parents on this board. We have all been through enough. And I do hope one day my boys find their way back to me!

So now I'm following all the things I learned DB'ing. Patience is the only way I am going to make it through and I have learned and practiced a lot of.


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
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kml Offline
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Meanwhile, my dear - living well is the best revenge. What fantabulous plans are you making for your new life???

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AJM Offline
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Quote:
I have nothing left in me to continue to fight
I doubt that. smile

Hi BRNR. Long time.

It's the rare state that grants sole custody of children. It really takes a lot to do that.

I agree with KML that teenage boys typically need their dad. That's a short period of time (a few years maybe) before they come back to their mom. Girls tend to be the opposite.

Remember that you are there for them and not the other way around. But also remember that states rarely just give custody to one parent. It's always what the state deems the best interest of the children (most cases) meaning the other parent has to prove that it is in the best interest of the kids.

Personally, I wouldn't grant that to him. Rather, leave the door open to the boys to come back. Fight for them to be there even if the first few months are hell on earth. They are teens and don't really know the bigger picture. They'll calm down but they should know their mom fought for them. That is important if you can manage it.

If it helps, I was harassed by my ex and later by OM for years. My daughter barely speaks to me right now, although appears to be thawing 4 years later. I fought, but not all of it publicly so my daughter could see it. My son has always been here in the house.

It's worth it, BRNR. Find the strength.

AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
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"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
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Originally Posted By: kml
Meanwhile, my dear - living well is the best revenge. What fantabulous plans are you making for your new life???


LOL. KML - I like your attitude! I have been living a fantabulous life already. But I do have future plans...

- I have been in a relationship for about two years. Me and my beau live in separate households, and don't get to spend that much time together alone. He has two kids as well as do I. So me and my Beau are planning a nice week long getaway
- My Best girlfriend is going through her own divorce and she has one child. I have been helping her along and her and I have been spending more time together doing girlie things.
- I am working on writing my book again, and now that I have more time available I am hoping to be able to get it done. hopefully I can become a published author one day
- DIY house renovations...I plan to make my home less "my family" and more me. And I actually like doing this type of stuff. It gets my creative juices flowing.
- Spending more time working out is a goal. I started running 2-3 times a week, then this happened and I haven't gotten back out there.
- And overall just spending more time doing adult stuff. Show my sexy side, explore things I haven't been able to do, spend more time with my good friends, see more of my extended family, do another minor makeover on me (inside and out).
- Get a doggie

This is where I am starting...and I am excited about all of it!!!!


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
Joined: Jan 2013
Posts: 597
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Quote:
They'll calm down but they should know their mom fought for them


AJM- Hiya!

I am fighting for my boys...maybe just not out in the open. I have held my head high and tried to communicate with my boys, but it hasn't been reciprocated. I will continue to try. I also feel at this time, they need to experience life with their dad. I feel they need this opportunity to figure things out for themselves. I will always be here for them, but I also know that I can't control them (nor do I want to). I feel if I stop this, it will lead to resentment that they never got the opportunity to do this.

My oldest will be 17 in March and is on the verge of becoming an adult. I believe he NEEDS this, meaning to be able to make his own choices. He needs to see how no matter what choices he makes he will learn something from them, either negative or positive. He needs to deal with those consequences. If I don't do it with him now, in a few years I would either have a) an adult dependent on me for everything b) or have an adult just going through this learning process. I love my son, but he has picked up some bad habits from my exH. I've showed my boys love, hard work, responsibility, doing the best you can, morals, values, fun, family, friends. They now need to see another life and hopefully gain something from both to be able to create a new one for themselves into adult hood.

Now my youngest is another story, he is 12, but has been dragged along for the rollercoaster ride. He is much more like my exH and always has been. He may be too young to learn the same lessons as my oldest, but maybe some things will stick since he has always been a fan of his older brother.

So, my focus is me. And only ME for a change!!! As job has said a million times "they will either figure it out or they won't" Honestly, I am applying the same DB'ing principles I have learned and using what applies towards my children.

I wasn't able to save my marriage way back when (which I am very thankful never happened BTW), but maybe I can save my relationship with my children!


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
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