I the very beginning of my posts I made a statement that my marriage was over. I was quickly told that this is a forum to save a marriage. I offered to leave.twice). I was encouraged to stay and keep posting. To work on me and my part In 4 days, with the feed back from this forum I've gone from believing that my W was the sole problem with our M to reflecting on my part and owning it. I wish I could explore this further. I obviously cannot do that here. I will with my C.
I have read parts of many threads. Some people in here are on there second or third R/M. Many have stated that they didn't save an M but have grown themselves and are now happy in new R.
I stated clearly my M was over. It wasn't a lie. The fact that I am presently in an R and my w is in a supportive emotional relationship( I don't think it's physical yet) shouldn't stop me from exploring my part in the failure of the M and how I can grow. And that's really all I ver tried to do here
Is this ^^^ more of the same behavior patterns that you had during your marriage ???
The need to be right, regardless of the situation ??
The lack of CLEAR communication that you can twist into you being the victim ???
Now, if you are done with your pity party, you can choose to stay and work on you (like you have stated that you wanted to do), or you can choose to run away from yet another situation in your life...
I am also not buying your crap, about the affairs...
Either by you, or by her...
I think that ACCUSING her of that, takes the heat off of your actions...
And you have shown, that you catapult your feelings and emotions off of her...
It also allows you to be the victim in any given situation. And as long as you THINK that she is, then it allows you to be innocent...and justified in what you are doing...
It's called projection , and it is really F'ed up.
You underestimate a lot of people posting here, and the experience that they have in seeing the situations for what they really are...
If it looks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck, and walks like a Duck....
It's probably a Duck....
There are usually three sides to every story...
Yours, Hers, and somewhere in the middle, is where the truth is....
What has been said to you ( and I apologize if MY words were unclear)...
Was that, from what you have said here, it is perceived that you are not done with your Marriage. Your words here are very similar to a person who is still on the fence. You are wondering IF things COULD be different with her. You are unsure if there COULD be a future with her...
CW To say I do not feel a little shock at some of your statements would be an understatement.
Eric you have given me a lot to consider
I am glad I have. Not sure it helped though because your actions seem to indicate that you have not changed.
My W is with om
Based on what I have read this appears to be an assumption on your part. I also suspect that you must have been snooping since you mentioned facebook. So the question I think you need to answer for YOURSELF is WHY did you snoop? FTR, I have friends with many of the people on the boards. Some have been to my house, I have been to others homes. I have created life long friends on here. Friends that I can truly say I love. That does not mean I am sleeping with them. I have no idea who your W is texting or what the conversations are about. I suspect that unless she is doing it in front of you, you do not easier. So you are making an assumption. An assumption so that you can shift the blame once again to her.
And since you all have confirmed that an ea and a pa are the same then yes. My w is with another person. And it is from this forum and it isn't new. Why are you all mad about this. ???? I accept it. Expected it. I'm a little lost on all the reactions.
EA and PA’s are NOT the same; however, the both have the same effect…which is a negative on any relationship.
I was very clear from the beginning that this marriage was over.
Yes indeed you did write that – you also wrote how confused you are…how you loved your W…how you wanted your family. To me, this is the same behavior that you probably exhibited in your M. A bait and switch if you will. You say one thing, your actions say something else. You shift, wiggle and manipulate YOUR words so that in the end….. YOU SIR…DO NOT HAVE TO FACE YOUR OWN DEMONS! I am sorry, but I actually agree…at this point you do not belong here. You are not ready to do the work. You want the easy quick fix. You want to have your new GF…who get’s you (actually she “get’s” the side that you show her, which chances are will change)…make the booboo’s go away. You want the little boy inside of you to be validated. You say you EXPECTED that she would have an EA. I actually think you meant to say…you WANTED IT. IMO, deep down inside you needed the justification for YOURSELF. You needed to use this to sqash the guilt that you feel because of everything you have done to your W.
I'm a little confused to be honest.
I actually think confused in not the word. Personally, I think you scared. I think you are scared to finally start fixing some of the deep seated issues that you KNOW that you have to deal with.
My W led me to this forum.
WOW – I give her a lot of credit because normally we would tell everyone NOT to let their spouse know about this site. Why? Because we hope that with the changes they make the spouse that wants out would see the ACTIONS. Have you sat down and thought about why she would direct you to this site (if that is what happened – even though I suspect that you must have found this out by snooping)? Have you thought that maybe she loves you enough to hope that you get the help you need? Have you thought that maybe she learned about her mistakes here and therefore wanted to see if maybe this could help you.
Nothing I've said here is inaccurate
Maybe you are right. IMO, some of the stuff you have said…err..written is SPECULATION, ASSUMPTIONS and YOUR own version of the truth. So….question….has she told you she was having an EA or PA? Have you seen proof? Were you in the room when she was sexting with this supposed OM? Did you see the F*ck? OR is this YOUR ASSUMPTION?
She's gone on many dates and I have a gf.
Define Date. Did she meet someone for coffee?
We did work on the marriage.
I actually believe that you did. You both did…with the shitty tools that you have at your disposal. Now that you are beging to see how much work it would take – not to mention you have a nice GF on the side to keep you warm at night – you have decided to bail. Let me ask you another question….. Did you ever say to your W… “Honey….I love you….I am working on me….can we try and work on us…but first let me finish working on me…. Let’s agree to not have OP in the picture while we do this….I love you honey…I love our family”. You prance around here and say you do not know how to communicate – well buddy…you knew how to communicate to pick up a new GF. What about your family. Your kids? Personally, I think your kids and family deserved a better effort from you. IMO, you whimped out.
I encouraged her to date during our separation and it was genuine.
But the whole time we spent working on us she was in a EA with a member of this forum. It was hard to repair an M when the other has moved on.
IF You are blaming her again…then once again…you are shift the blame to her. So…quick question…who started dating first – you or her. Cause I suspect, your “encouragement to date was probably because that is what you wanted or were doing. I’ll leave with this CW…… You can run…. You can keep lying to yourself…. You can keep manipulating…. You can stop posting or join some other forum….. BUT Until you finally stop and fix YOU once and for ALL…. You will continue to same patterns.
Good luck dude. Personally, I feel like at some point in the future you will realize that you gave away…your best friend and W….for……because…..you were lazy and thought it was easier.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You can run…. "You can keep lying to yourself…. You can keep manipulating…. You can stop posting or join some other forum….. BUT Until you finally stop and fix YOU once and for ALL…. You will continue to same patterns.
Good luck dude. Personally, I feel like at some point in the future you will realize that you gave away…your best friend and W….for……because…..you were lazy and thought it was easier."
This ^^^^^ is what I wish I could say to my H. I believe it's totally true.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?