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Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: GoatGal] #2459066
06/10/14 02:23 AM
06/10/14 02:23 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 88
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Cw_wc Offline OP
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Cw_wc  Offline OP
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Agreeded

Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: GoatGal] #2459070
06/10/14 02:32 AM
06/10/14 02:32 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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Funny, now that I think of it though.

You finally found a way to say all the things I guess you didn't have the guts to say in person.


Last edited by GoatGal; 06/10/14 02:34 AM.

Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: GoatGal] #2459098
06/10/14 04:10 AM
06/10/14 04:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
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Nettles Offline
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Originally Posted By: GoatGal

What was your purpose in coming here?


CW, you never did have the decency to answer GG's question after she tried her best to help. I'll take a stab though. I bet you found out W was posting here and it didn't sit very well. And she found OM here too (doubtful, but in your mind...)! You couldn't believe that people were actually giving her support when she was so clearly the one to blame. So you finally couldn't take it anymore and had to tell the "real" story.

Does GF know you are posting here? After the kids, I think I feel the worst for her in this situation if she doesn't know. If she does, well, good luck.


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: Nettles] #2459128
06/10/14 08:22 AM
06/10/14 08:22 AM
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Posts: 88
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Cw_wc Offline OP
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Cw_wc  Offline OP
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I'm sorry everyone seems so mad
W knows I'm posting. She's the one who encouraged me to post and work things out. Gf knows I'm posting ( not crazy about it) but understands I am working through a process. I have twice now, said that this forum is probably not right for me. Thanked everyone for there insight and twice now everyone encouraged me to stay and not to worry and to work on self. Just words people?? Wow I guess!!

Last edited by Cw_wc; 06/10/14 08:23 AM.
Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: Cw_wc] #2459129
06/10/14 08:36 AM
06/10/14 08:36 AM
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Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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I don't think you understand why people are seemingly upset.

I mean, no one will fault you for wanting to be happy. What I think you missed is that many people on here really tried to help you get your M on track and you didn't really seem like you were into it. So they feel like they wasted their time. You started posting a little over 2 weeks ago, yet now you say you have a GF already. Seems pretty fast to go from wanting to save your M to getting into a new relationship.

"Just words people?? Wow I guess!!"

And this comment is just plain rude. That should be applied to YOU. You were just saying words about saving your M while your actions said otherwise. Simple as that.

This site can definitely help you get the relationship you want from a new person. The problem is that you have to be honest about what you want to do. You never did answer if you wanted to save your M or not. You kept saying it was too late, etc. And so everyone tried to encourage you. But you really weren't into it were you? That's fine, but be honest about it.

Your new GF will only benefit IF you learned what DBing was all about. Changing yourself to become a better person. Honesty and trust goes to the top of that list.

Everyone who has tried to help you HAS been honest. And they spent their own time and effort to try and save a M that YOU kept saying you wanted. That's why they are frustrated. If you can't understand that, then you will fail in your new relationship because you won't be able to be completely honest with her. You will say one thing and act another. If you can do it so easily with a bunch of strangers, it will be childs play to do it with someone you just met.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: MrBond] #2459130
06/10/14 08:42 AM
06/10/14 08:42 AM
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Posts: 88
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Cw_wc Offline OP
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Everyone who has tried to help you HAS been honest. And they spent their own time and effort to try and save a M that YOU kept saying you wanted.

Actually I never posted that I wanted to save my M. I tried to save it for years. I wanted to understand what I did to contribute to it's failure. To that end this has been extremely helpful.

Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: Cw_wc] #2459131
06/10/14 08:45 AM
06/10/14 08:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,010
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Cadet Offline

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Originally Posted By: Cw_wc

Actually I never posted that I wanted to save my M. I tried to save it for years.
I wanted to understand what I did to contribute to it's failure. To that end this has been extremely helpful.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result

Continue to lie and manipulate and you will be part of the 75% of people that fail at second marriages.


Me-65, D32,S31
Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: Cadet] #2459132
06/10/14 08:59 AM
06/10/14 08:59 AM
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Posts: 88
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Cw_wc Offline OP
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Cadet,
Where exactly is the lie and manipulation ?

I the very beginning of my posts I made a statement that my marriage was over. I was quickly told that this is a forum to save a marriage. I offered to leave.twice). I was encouraged to stay and keep posting. To work on me and my part In 4 days, with the feed back from this forum I've gone from believing that my W was the sole problem with our M to reflecting on my part and owning it. I wish I could explore this further. I obviously cannot do that here. I will with my C.

I have read parts of many threads. Some people in here are on there second or third R/M. Many have stated that they didn't save an M but have grown themselves and are now happy in new R.

I stated clearly my M was over. It wasn't a lie. The fact that I am presently in an R and my w is in a supportive emotional relationship( I don't think it's physical yet) shouldn't stop me from exploring my part in the failure of the M and how I can grow. And that's really all I ver tried to do here

Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: Cw_wc] #2459133
06/10/14 09:24 AM
06/10/14 09:24 AM
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Posts: 12,602
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MrBond Offline
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"I stated clearly my M was over. It wasn't a lie."

What you don't understand is that EVERYONE who comes here says that. Usually they state it as fact, as you have, but again, because this is a M saving site, people assumed that you were trying to save your dying M.

So, with that being said, I suggest you start a new thread with your new frame of mind and that everyone who is willing to help you end your M and give you advice on your new relationship start there. For those who feel like they were "used", then they have the option of not posting.

From the lessons everyone has learned in their bad relationships, you wont' find a better group of individuals who will help you nurture your new life.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Re: Ok here we go part two [Re: MrBond] #2459174
06/10/14 01:19 PM
06/10/14 01:19 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,174
Mid-Atlantic, USA
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GoatGal Offline
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cw,

I think MrBond put it very well.


You did state several things and I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt--ONCE--- and address them here.

You said you loved your wife.

You said you wanted to be divorced.

You said you loved your wife.


You described a situation that was so similar to mine that I gave a lot of my time to helping you, and yes, helping myself understand because I saw similarities between you and my husband.

However, when you started with the whole, "I've got a GF", laughing, snarky tone and comments, and the "gotcha!!!" attitude---that turned everybody off, and for good reason.

If help for your marriage, understanding, and help for future relationships is what you're looking for, you're in the right place.

If you're here because you're really not over your wife and it's driving you batty because you think she's on here connecting with another guy, well, you're STILL in the right place!


The fact that your wife is on a site called "Divorce Busting" oughta be a big clue...

And unless you're only here to "send her a message" or spy on her, YOU came to a site called "Divorce Busting".


So please give me your thoughts on that.


However, if you're here to manipulate people to feel in control of your life when you're not, react with venom when cornered, well, then you still sound a lot like my H.
And, according to him, we ARE getting divorced! (Yet, his actions don't really support this very well.)

In my opinion, my husband resorts to saying hurtful things and passive-aggressive, angry tactics because he has limited coping skills to do much of anything else.
He resorts to a lot of the same stuff you did ^^^ when he is under emotional stress.
It's not an excuse, it's just an explanation.
Maybe you can see yourself there, or not.

But it all boils down to what you said originally:
You tend to keep everything inside and are not really comfortable showing your true feelings.
Strong emotions are difficult to handle, so it's easier to avoid them.
Easier to be a "good provider" than an intimate confidante. (I know, I'm paraphrasing)

It is exactly this way of dealing with things that causes important issues to be dealt with covertly, rather than openly.
And, in my opinion, posting as you did on this forum is a great example of going about things in an underhanded way.

But it's easier to be angry and thus feel "in control" of others, than it is to feel vulnerable to them.
Maybe we hit a bit too close to your inner "stuff"????

Just food for thought.

Seems to me, talking intimately to your wife, up close, and in person, in a supportive way, would have been the better option--- when you had it.

(Gee, I learn something new every day! You helped me clarify that one.)

So it's up to you.
Feel free to ignore everything I just said. After all, they're just words from a total stranger.
And I have already given you far too much of my time and attention.

But as MrBond said:

Play nice or take your ball elsewhere.



---GG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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