NERO - is this still ME?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Nero,

I hear you about feeling like you are stuck with your spouses MLC and resulting messed up life. I have been feeling the same way lately. Sitting from the vantage point I now have of looking at all that has happened to me this past year and a half I am now coming to the conclusion my wifes MLC and resulting wreckage has forced me to really look at life in a different way.I have come to the conclusion that life is telling me I need to go in a new direction with positive goals.Go forward in a new direction and let leave your spouses MLC behind. If he gets back into reality he can catch up, if not it is not your problem.

[nero]

hey hi -

boy- wreckage is really the right word. i know - it sure is nothing i ever saw coming. I guess life is sending me a big ole message too. not only do i see it all differently- i think i'm becoming a different person. fighting negativity t ho.

i've lost important folks in my life in past few years. it gums me up- thinking maybe a lousy r for the time being is better than none at all. too much lonliness around me- watching it up close & personal & feeling it too when he's in fl. i hate it and i know THAT much.

he's being mr. really nice when he's around??!! - i'm in no place mentally or emotionally to make any big moves. I've been sayin that for three years - life's been too demanding on several fronts- for me to cut & run. I need the "security" - whatever the heck that means. i know...

i'm tryin to get a life more- doin more, goin more, keepin an eye open for my new direction.

you've had some journey - just lookin at your little history. sorry man-

But you're sounding very motivated today - i look forward to feelin it sometime (before i croak i hope). (being ready to blast out of here). i'm just not there-

thanks for sharing.

xxo

[beatrice]

Nero - I get that we fear loneliness. We are social animals, but i also believe we are beings who need to make our soul, and that we do alone. It is a long slow quiet process, a bit like germination.

I understand that you do not want changes, and that your h is being nice to you. Give yourself a break for now, but loneliness is what we work through in order to be able to be alone and free, truly free, when we do not need anyone else to complete us.

It isn't the same as pushing people away, or refusing to engage. Living alone and liking it is so hard initially, and then suddenly it becomes delightful. It stops being a burden and becomes a blessing.

We choose who we wish to have in our delightful space.

I find it terrifying that some people measure themselves by how many fb friends they have.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Nero,

I think you are suffering what we all suffer from including myself, PROCRASTINATION. Its an easy trap to fall into and a hard one to get out of. Do you see a counselor? If you do, are they solutions based or a more typical counselor? I have a typical counselor right now. I now know that rehashing the past is not getting me closer to a better future. I am looking for a solutions based counselor who will focus on the present issues and finding solutions. If you keep hanging onto the comfort of the past you won't find the drive to move forward into a better place.

[exquisitetobe]

imo, you are mourning the relationship and you are working towards closure. You have many emotions hitting at once and it is exhausting. At least, that was my experience and I see this in you.. It takes time and perseverance. Don' t be afraid to get help when needed. don' t be hard on yourself. You are doing great and you will make it. It hurts and it is very difficult but we all get through it and then look back with admiration for making it this far... Even today, I am sure you could say those words with knowledge that it will only get better... Isn' t easier then bd?? Haven' t you made progress already? Keep at it Nero and we are here for you !! xoxox:)

[nero]

hey hi-

I know what you are saying (i'm havin trouble sorting thru allllllll of everything in life and getting to the bottom - some resolution or resignation or ANSWER) i HAVE always treasured my solitude and alone-time alot. (why i understood h wanting some alone-ness too) (he was raised totally alone- all the time- ALLL ALONE) SO to him- that's probably more "naturral" way to be.

I was raised in a nutty house full of people- i scrounged around for a little privacy and loved it - BUT you could always walk into the kitchen and find people to goof around with.

It isn't the same as pushing people away, or refusing to engage. Living alone and liking it is so hard initially, and then suddenly it becomes delightful. It stops being a burden and becomes a blessing.

I am 50-50 on this. When i find myself too complascent alone - i fight it- the preferring to be alone. I begin to feel selfish and like it will make me be come rigid, and wanting my own way alll the time. no kidding- i do see it in me sometimes) Having people around, to have to get along with, moderates that - even in day to day life- i don't want to be someone that 'CAN'T function with others in a household - it's keeps me flexible and willing to let the other guy "live" too. kind of thing- i can see change in me- my mom and everyone i know is getting/got more "inflexible" in our oldish age - (i'm 63) - i want to fight it all the way.

I'd just prefer to have it all. (oh cripes - i sound like my h - saying he "could have it all"- see, this is what being by self too much is doing to me) (that darn human nature) I like it when I want it- and i don't want it when i don't. (if this was just about me) I know we don't get everything we want all the time - however - - - I am feeling like it's being shoved on me a bit much.` (it got to be controlling me rather than me controlling it) (I am less nice about things being rammed down my throat. my scrappy side appears and says - "HEY - Knock it off you jerk!") I started this all - the two houses - tho, in all honesty- when i did, i really needed to get some space of my own. it has backfired most stupendouusly - and then of course- lots of junk has happened in last several years that has changed EVERYTHING in the world.

i'm not takin responsibility for alll of it- i'm just part of the mix - it's all mashed into our faces tho- no escaping real life - sheesh...

I am a different person now (beg.2008 - change central) from participating & looking so closeup at other people winding out their life's end (last five years or so) - my sister was only 57 - my mom 89, h's dad 84, his step mom 83, his aunt 89 - self inflicted & not. I can't shut off the compassion because someone "brought it on themselves" - i can't even bring myself to say it. how self-righteous can people be? nobody "deserves" to suffer - it may be part of life- but "deserve" lonliness? pain, fear? unhappiness, illness - no way man- i'm thinking we're all just human being doing the best we can- who among us is completely addiction free? (addicted to "love" (me) - addicted to cigarettes? alcohol? coffee? work?you name it - we allll have something (imho)

I'm sorting thru me, people, life & trying to figure something out here - oh geeez -

(made me think of H saying a couple times he's "teaching me a lesson" - who in the world says stuff like THAT? it's insane - what does it mean - i don't even know what the heck he's trying to "teach me" - no clear explanation - i sure don't think i'm "learning" it- . ) what is going on in his head - he can't articulate my transgression - him being the "teacher"??? A bit too much self-appreciation there? or what


I am gettin tossed around here - life, people, reality- tragedy- their "stuff" on my (used to be placid ) little lake of life - me in my little boat wondering wtf... most of the time.

- I am a guy that is all "out there" - almost any one is welcome into my life, house, stuff, thoughts, soul- it's not locked up tight down inside. and you know what - and welcome to it. I don't have or want secrets and intrigue. It's not that i think people really care all that much about my secrets or anyone's but their own. But i don't care anyway- i'd rather just be me, with all of my "selfness?" or "junk" on the surface. not boiling beneath and out of sight. we've all got it all - I'm like my garden - a huge colorful giant mess all blooming like mad next to a busy street - no color coordination here - giant blobs of this and that all mixed up - up there in the sun, right on top of the stems and leaves and dirt. Everyone can see it and welcome to it if you are interested - and pick a bouquet to take home - it's fine with me. . - that's my "life".

did that make sense? i wanna feel free to be just who i am. I'm becoming seriously bummed by getting negative feedback & junk and the info that i need to force myself into some other molds to please others. (who find me "inconvenient?" at present. ) i'm not sure what it is-

H is like when you get down below the flower tops - to the soil - it's dark and hidden - (and full of worms and icky stuff) maybe that is all crucial - idk it's alllllll locked up tight & hidden , strictly doled out and kept under lock and key. he has trouble "sharing" his lair, his insides, his feelings. me, if you don't TELL ME, i don't know. (well, i used to intuit stuff with people - now, i'm done reading minds).

I can be okay with the person inside of me- cheesy as it sounds, she does try and do the right thing - and she does find purpose in helping or caring for others. It's not just that i want to be anyone's "savior" - it's what people are supposed to be - help each other if you can-

i just do measure who i am a bit, by what and who is going on around me - and my "place" in that mix. it adds waaay more dimension to my life - just "all about me" gets mighty boring. this isn't what you're saying - is it?

it's hard to explain- i get lost and tangled up (i'm sure you can tell huh?) . i am fighting hard to maintain self here - it's not good enough to be self alone (IT'S easy to be self when no one else has to be considered) BUT - it's being self IN THE MIX. i can , i feel, manage to still be cognizant of others and all this "stuff" with h and everyone - and be me too - one doesn't have to exclude the others -

that being said - (i think that's h's mlc in a nutshell? he thinks in order to be HIM, he's got to NOT BE what he was to or with me? kind of thing- did that make sense? he thinks he's got to be a "loner" to be him- but he doesn't see he is an amazingly "attached" person and neeeeeeds others more than me even. (kind of thing) he fights attachment tho- just can't bring himself to dive in - always been so. maybe it is him and i'm not letting him just be that? al though -he picked me and spent almost 40 years immersed in me-land??? wtf....

why in the world does being attached to someone in a sigfnificant way - necessarily mean you lose who you are? there's room for both - right?-

so, do i just sound like a rambling nutball here? wierdly enough- i feel like a "strong" person and that I am who and what i am without the need for anhyone to give me permission. YET- i feel stressed about my inability to "get along" with the world these days and i see my inate "crowd pleaser-ness" . i know, opposites

i need to go tidy the house before i explode my own head from over-thinking it all. untidy head, untidy house, untidy r's, etc.....

seeee - my "addiction". when i feel "loved" - i feel like it's allll okay i life and no matter what i am, it's allll okay. when i'm not- then i feel the reverse. what the hck does that make me? narcissistic? masochistic, insecure - i don't even care. i want to feel like me and "even" again- oh yeah- let me throw in- when i'm with someone, spending time- i don't need a cellphone, tv, book, whatever. i can be "there" with them. i'm a bit tired in life of people all jacked around and hooked to technology- where are their minds - who are these people??? the humanity- the contact?

fishout of water? idk- i'm outta here- oddly okay tho- so don't be thinking i'm plunging off some edge this morning. i'm in a oddly not-bad place for all this stinking analysis of me. it's a bore- ? i'm a simple guy wanting the si mple pleasures back- i refuse to accept that this is what the world, r, etc. HAVE TO BE NOW-

TA DA- anyone got a commune going these days???

xx00 - x-flower child- wondering wtf...

[beatrice]

I do not understand why people think that being alone is aligned with selfishness, being rigid and wanting your own way.

There is all the difference in the world between people who cannot get along with others, and those who are comfortable to dwell alone. I use dwell rather than live because it is a state of being.

why in the world does being attached to someone in a sigfnificant way - necessarily mean you lose who you are? there's room for both - right?-

Of course there is room for both. Having a strong sense of self does not mean selfishness, being attached doesn't mean you lose yourself. I feel there is huge pressure from within and without to be a couple, that it is 'better', that people on their own are not OK - witness your comments about getting rigid and selfish.

Contentment is my goal, not complacency, nor shutting the world out. Just being fine with me.

[nero]

hey and oh geeez - --------------------------

I wasn't picking on you man- i love you and think your head is totally on straight. i wish i felt more at ease with the "alone forever" thing.

I do not understand why people think that being alone is aligned with selfishness, being rigid and wanting your own way.

I never meant to attribute it to EVERYONE - not you certainly- i'm talking about my h and my mom - people i LIVE WITH daily who are very very self-involved, agenda-oriented, no patience with input or anhything less than total admiration of those around them - hard@sses - or so they think (seemingly) and it is allllll about them having their own way- no kidding. heads will roll if anyone messes with their agenda(disagrees, points out other side or why we should see the upside - god forbid you get between them and their misery-fest) - me - this woman would be the happy little dogsbody trying to make them happy (past me- but memory warm) . impossible-

and they both became and become more of that daily- no kidding - no look at self and say : do i relly care so much that i have to be sooooooo bickerie and soooo inflexible allll the time??? th eir response (i've learned lately) is fight first - kill the opponent - and then you can always go back and give them a nice burial and make it up-

but at all cost - they must prevail - lately i just say- stop- you win, whatever it is - you're the winner - i conc3de victory- i gotta go..... it's wierdly working with h - he fancies himself more "reasonable" than average person - (?) - whatever it is, maybe he begins to realize he's goin nuts over something neither of us give a darn about??? idk..

it's my neurosis - WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT IS the women around me- my sisters, mother & friends - to my intense - (too intense) sitch of helping my mom and being her sole means of company & friendship for past five or so years as she got sadder and madder about being old and sick and so forth. life isn't fair and it's one thing for me to say it or think it- saying it to someone 89, husband died too darn young, kids drove her nuts a bit (some of them) , under educated, ratty jobs, etc. i can point out the good stuff til i'm blue in the face. if she was bitter a bit (to me- total honesty. to the world- sweet serent nice old lady???!!1 wtf - i guess it HAD to go somewhere) - the bitterness & hard feelings? no kidding everyone that met her loved her- problem was she felt free to be "perfectly honest" to me- complementary? not so much -

who needs to know those inner grudges and thoughts of their mom. ??? i'm askin ya- i'm flattened still by it all....

SO - THAT'S WHY i'm totally "slanted" that way in my attitudes.

it was soooo sad and the more "rigid" she became - the less everyone came around (my other sisters) and like, they thought that was somehow "okay". in life maybe avoiding friends that get "hard" to be with is alright- but your sick ancient motehr- i'm sorry and judgement here - but dig deeper man, do the "right thing". they sure all have their hands out now and want more - no kidding. SHE "SAVED " them all in a variety of ways when they were needy and the payback is - what? they're 'ENTITLED" - where the heck were they when she needed "more" and they were "too busy" all the t ime.????

yeah, i know, i'm workin on not carrying this junk around and just letting past go- need one bit more time and this estate to be done for that i think.

that being said- my older sister- she gets more and more "rigid" as the years go by. she was here with my great neice - we had a good visit- BUT when the kid is with both of us- she mimics my sister's (uh hem) "attitudes" (it's sad) - for example. i'd sent her a little skirt covered with purple sequins (her fav.color and when i'm down tehre first thing she does is put on a ballerina skirt and an elastic strip of sequin trim (for a bra) and dance around wildly. she looooves shiney things and dressing up. so we're sitting there with my sister and i asked if my package got there and if she liked the skirt and poor little things says (no kidding) ; "yes, but it's a bit - auhhh - "shiny"... (she's side glancing at my sister - ) i know this child- that's my sister's big fat old (tasteful???) attitude. she just lays it on her own adult children and we all roll our eyes behind her head - BUT - it sinks in. it stifles your own little child love of whatever, color, sequins- freedom, pleasure- who the heck is judging a 4 year old? (oh yeah- she is....) poor taste, can't have that, flashy , an't have that...etc. eeeeeek -

idk- can remember my neice at 12 , learned to use my -sewing machine - made herself the most adorable a-line dress - picked the fabric (pink and purple flowery) it was the cutest thing you ever saw - her in that dress and so proud- wore it home and her mother and sister turned their noses up and she never wore it again. no kidding - a seemingly small thing- i can remember how crestfallen she was- (they made fun) so her doofis old mother couldn't even squelch her stupid (what she thinks of as her "good taste" ) for long enough to allow the kid the pleasure opf her accomplishment- make her feel good about it) - like, who in the world is watching what a kid wears anyway???j

tht's what i mean, and it's getting worse by the year. she feels COMPELLED to share her "just being honest" with everyone- and it's never good news. no kidding- old people (some, ever notice) think if they say anyting good whatr? hyou'll go rob a bank out of euphoria??? it's alllll got to be bad news, adminishment, criticize - your hair, voice, name it.

oh geeeeez - i forgot - i don't think for the past 20 years i've ever been in the same room with my mother that when i talked with whoever it was my mother didn't feel compelled to chime in with "could you lower your voice"? and "isn't she loud" - talk about ALWAYS having to let you have it and make sure you know who's alpha dog....

and ya wonder how you become a nutball??? i may be loud- but i everybody likes me well enough- she used me as her "draw" for people- then that...

i know it's hard getting old- i can cut her a break- but i saw how it went with her- see my sister, some of my friends, the more they "have their way" the more theY HAVE TO HAVE THEIR WAY.

I JUST don't want to be that- just in case i have those genes- what if i get allllll (about me) and gotta criticize and so on.

so- just a "thing" with me- watching self for signs of what my mother was - her mother - tough women who gotta be tough (so they think) and let the world know- allll the time-

so of course, it follows that no one else can be less than totally tough. once my mo tehr told me she thought i'd die when she did? can ya imaginme- what an ego- that i'd fall apart and when the time came i would have to "let her go". like you can stop someone from dying - and like i'm some jellyfish that neeeeedddddded her....

people are so weierd- and life is so wierd.-

and i want to bake muffins, have rosey cheeks like baked apples and make everyone feel good about who they are- and feel treasured for their kinks and quirks that make them them.

that sort of thing- i got alot of baggage allover the place- don't I.

aren'tja glad you don't live in my head???

okay- out the garden- my tomatos are flopping alloverthe place and i'm gonnaspread that last mulch bag rite now or die.

i aspire to happy & secure by my self- i'm workin on it and thanks for your thoughts- it's good stuff to hear that someone you like feels okay- and it makes it feel "doable" . you know me- work in progress.

oh yeah- for got to throw in -
xxoo

[nero]

hi anyone-

i'm thinking over what bea said about people measuring happiness or "self" by amount of friends. i don't do that, btw. i've always been (surprise, surprise) a kind of "loner" sort of person (in a house FULL of people) that had friends, but liked a good deal of alone time and really, at the end of the day, keep my own counsel & don't need the approval of others. you know, for some reason, even in highschool I could wear something kind of out there and buck the fashion trend. maybe because i had red hair which was not a cool thing at at all- i was already "different" in a major way- and somehow got to embrace it rather than feel left out be cause of it? idk-

i just don't like the thought that nobody cares if i come home at nite- no one is there to even miss me if i get abducted by aliens.

it sounds so small and cheesy- but there you are. me - pretty humble needs in life- i don't need a yacht and devoted slave- i'd like to share my existence with someone that i matter to, and matters to me.

it seems so small a request - and soooo large a thing.

So here i am in fl. h is saying he's ready to do some repairs and rennovation around th4e house and yard. i could faint- we've lived here 38 yrs and it's still same mostly as when we walked in the door.

i can't figure out what the heck all of a sudden, unless it's allll tht $$ he inherited. my ratty side says he's doing it to impress whoever it ishe drags over here when i'm away. yes, i know he does. i hate it, what else is new huh?

he asks me opinions and about it and is including me- i don't know about that either. i am suspicious now of everyting. i'm cool and do n't comment on that out loud- just think it inside.

it's a terrible thing they do to our trust and heart & brain, isn't it???

inever was a suspicious person. even nice things i see as very suspicious.

oh well- now i don't remember why im here. just checkin in i guess-

i honestly think rite now i just say the same old junk over and over like a broken record. i have to quit it- i'm boring even myself here. i think why would i even want to "talk" about it all- last four or five years of misery. it's all crappola now and wanter under the bridge.

it matters & i'm changed a bit- but why relive it at all. i am suspicious and don't think the best of h anymore. don't know where it will land, don't even know where he's heading - if anywhere. or me for that matter.

being away from nj is feeling very good- turn off brain to all tht junk- estate- hard feelings, etc.

letting go of alot of baggage i think(hope) -

it's sure all done and over and un-re-doable so now, why even give it air time?

me "detaching" - i hope a bit (more). slow boat to china here-

xxo hope yall have a nice day -

[albamarie]

Hi Nero,

You are walking a very delicate path and need to just stay on your toes. You seem to have developed a very strange friendship bond with your Xh, and he seems to be content with that. If you are as well, then happy sailing, but you have to be sure and let the things he does in his life on the side, not be an issue. If your not than your putting yourself in the constant mix of being privy to his life, and that can be a life long of pain for you. It's a touch choice, but you can't continue to dangle indecisive.

I wish you all the best, your such a strong women. You can do this, whatever you decide.and, be comfortable with your decision. You only have to answer to yourself.

I'm doing great. I have finished my first semester and am off soon for my visit per our last conversation. I will keep you informed.

My best, DM