Ok here we go

[Cadet]

I guess I was hoping that in here someone would say ya I fell out of love.
I lost the hope and feelings and here are some things I did to correct that.
I guess not

Again - Love is a Choice.

Can those feelings come back? - YUP.

Is it work? - Yup

My prediction is that one day you will figure this out.

Until you do you will continue to FAIL.

Sorry buddy - I understand that you dont have those feeling right this minute.

At this place you can learn how to love.

Not sure that is really what you want though.

[Breakdown]

These are all great questions. Problem is how do you answer without looking like a victim. I don't want to be a victim. I'm not looking for sympathy but every time I write it reads that way. So I'm struggling to put emotions to words. I hope you can understand.

I think it's important to say it in a way that owns it. For example, instead of saying "she did x," say "I allowed her to do x." Own your role in it. If you didn't communicate, focus on that, and so on.

I believe that when you enter into a M, you automatically own 50% of the responsibility for that M. It's never one person's fault....you both share in it. But the only thing you can do is address your 50%...own it, change it, forgive yourself, and do better.

I come from a family of six. Everyone had a role. Mine was to smile and nod and say no no it's ok I don't mind. ( ya sounds victemish but try to understand a little). As I grew up I never learned to leave that role behind. I need to fix issues and problems and people but I never learned to put myself first. When I did I felt guilty and developed a coping habit of lying because I didn't know how to say this is what I want.

This here is the start! This is where you start addressing your "whys." Why am I like this? Where does this come from? And then....who do I want to be? Who do I want to show the world?

Keep digging....you are getting some great questions and advice. Read it....re-read it....think about it.

[ericmsant2]

CW

A lot of insight. Thank you.

You’re welcome. I am going to assume that you are here because you really want to fix YOU. So, please slowly read and think about everything that everyone says. Ok?

Are you sitting down? This may sting. Oh…btw, the rule of thumb is that if something “stings”, it usually means that it is something that you need to look at. Remember that.

Before I go through all of you post, I have to tell you that I think you are not done – not even close. I actually think you are pissed the F off. Probably because you do not understand what the real issue is. And I doubt that it was just the 5 years with no sex. Although, that did not help.

I want you to know that I believe in YOU. I believe that YOU can really turn chit around and become someone that any women would be a fool to leave. It takes work though – A LOT – this is not a….Once I feel good I’m done effort – NOPE it is much deeper than that. You need to first understand why you are the way you are (FTR, I am not going to focus on YOUR W – this is about YOU).

Then once YOU understand you can begin to make healthy choices about HOW you want to LIVE YOUR LIFE. Be that with your W or be it alone. Personally, I believe you can turn chit around with your W but FIRST the OLD M MUST DIE. And I mean dead. Kaputuz!

Put a fork in her – done. Get me?

Here is what I see in your posts….

Yes I am mad. And hurt and a lot of things. And yes my post come across as one sided and arrogant. Not much I can do to change that.

You are probably mad at a lot of things. Yourself - is probably one of the biggest ones. Why though? What exactly are you angry about? How long do you want to hold on to the anger? Cause holding on to it is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die. It does YOU no good. It does YOUR kids no good. So who the f*ck are you really hurting? YOU.

You acknowledge that come off as one sided and arrogant. Why in the world do you want to come across that way? IMO, cause deep down inside of you is a hurt little boy – who only knows how to express how he feels with ANGER. It is normal dude. YOU can change it THOUGH. It really is a choice. So I call bullchit on the nothing I can do about it statement. That is a lie that you are telling YOURSELF so that YOU avoid doing the hard work.

So CW….can you choose TODAY to let all of the anger go?

Can you say to yourself TODAY that 1) I will forgive myself 2) I will forgive the people that have hurt me and 3) Today I choose to be HAPPY!

You can do it man!

I don't know anymore.

Well if ya don’t know maybe dude…stop thinking about the divorce and start thinking more about how to feel better. “Don’t know usually means…you ain’t done.

I'm tired. I'm hurt I'm angry I'm fed up.

I have 3 kids…2 of them are teenagers…I have a demanding job….I have a hot fiances who love to have porn star sex….I have a crazy ex w…. Dude…I am tired too. That is life. I will not chuck the kids, ditch the fiancé or quit my job. YOU need to find an outlet for you. Another piece of putang…is not the answer. What hobbies do you have? Find an outlet and also CHOOSE to not stay hurt and angry.

Yes divorce is one solution. There are others.

Yep it is an option…the easy option if you ask me. Know what is harder? To stand – stand by and work on yourself so that you can blow you W away with the new YOU. You can wuss out and go the easy road (I’m not gonna judge) or you can let go of the anger…think about the good times that you and W had, think about the kids, think about how much better it could be IF things could work out. You can focus on not being a macho di*k…and really focus on being a MAN (I’m not saying you are not a man so don’t get all defensive)… Here is something to think about….

MEN LIVE THERE CHOICES

BOYS blame everyone else.

Perhaps she's right perhaps you are too. Maybe this is my fault. I don't know anymore. And again I'm tired. Do you know how that feels????

First I do know how it feels. At one point I was willing to give my left nut to reconcile. Wanna see all of the gory details..go read my old threads. What I find funny is the use of “perhaps and maybe” in your response. That is not ownership. And believe me – you own half of the failure here dude. Don’t kid yourself. You say you don’t know anymore – maybe that is because you are confused with how YOU feel….not to mention not knowing how exactly she feels. Oh and BTW, if you ask her tonight how she feels do not expect her to coming running to your arms – she may just tell you to go f*ck yourself. Why? She is hurt too. Just like You man. Here is the thing though…..Hurt….is a feeling…..just like happiness….just like anger….just like sadness. Feelings brother will come and go. What is important is to learn and understand how much control you have over YOUR feelings. You do. Yes you will get anger BUT you can CHOOSE not to STAY angry. Right now YOU can CHOOSE to STAND for YOUR W! Yep…Stand for her even though she may want out.
Or you can choose the easy road.

For better or for worse – “member those words. Well this is the “worse” part – anybody can do the better part.

Have you consider btw, that maybe she felt she was living in the worse part…but was hoping for a LONG time while you were off working that the “better” part would happen. Chance are she is tired too.

I CHOOSE to be optimistic…so I think that BOTH of YOU are tired – Tired though is not DONE.

Your responses are hard and even arrogant. Understandable. I didn't give you much to work with. But when you invest every inch of your being into someone(and I did) and they take you are left empty bitter and mad. Your both right. I'm not here anymore. I desperately wanted to be. I love my wife with everything.

I am sorry you feel that I was hard. Next time I’ll use pink colored text. I do not believe I am hard. I am too the point….and no I have not been here 14 years. I’ve been here a few. I will forever be grateful for what DB taught me…that is why I am passionate when I post to you. I see hope dude. You imo, see anger, I see love, you see divorce. My hope is that though this process you see what YOU did wrong and that YOU change it. For you….for your kids….and f*ck maybe for your W or ex.

I want you to know that women are very keen on men’s words.

Men tend to be flippant with them. I know I was.

Remember this…… ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

So let’s look at your actions…and words….

ACTION – “I want a divorce”

WORDS – “I Love my wife with everything”

So which is it?

I gave her everything inside me.

I have no doubt that you did. Some of it was good…some of it was probably bad. In some ways, you gave her the best you could based on what you knew. She did the same probably. Well now you have a chance to learn better tools for YOU and for HER.

I've only ever used fb to post vacation photos so if there is a protocol or I've stepped over a boundary, my apologies

No apologizes needed. Trust me dude…your words do not hurt me. I know and LOVE me. 

I'm not being a victim.

Bullchit! Go read your post again. Psst….looks like something “stung”…hmmm….maybe something that you need to look at. IMO, you were totally playing the victim. Wanna stop – simple – own your mistakes. Post more about those and less about what SHE DID. It’s like when my daughter says she didn’t do her chores because I did not tell her to – even though she knows she has to, even though we have discussed it with her 40 times…. She chose to blame me instead of owning the fact that she did not do her chores.

And during the course of our marriage I verbalized a lot of things that were simply ignored. My fault maybe.

Notice the use of the word “maybe” again. Notice that yes you verbalized a lot of things…..question….did you verbalize it in a manner that she understood? Let me give you and example:
- Honey where the f*ck is dinner – I TOLD you to have it ready when I get home.
Vs.
- Honey, do we have dinner plans tonight? Is there something that you are in the mood for? (then pause or as we like to say here STFU – and listen to what she had to say)

DB is all about communication buddy. That imo, is one of your big issues – probably hers to. It can be fixed.

Did you ever once, stop living within your own head, long enough to be empathetic to her day ??

YES but does it matter what I do? Can you? Can you train yourself to make a CHOICE..and that CHOICE be to be empathetic towards her? You ask as if you do not know if you can do it. IMO, the anger that you are holding on to is NOT allowing this to happen.

For the record I worked to give her what she asked for. And when I was home I listened and did what I could whenever I could. I gave up most of my personal enjoyment. I validated, compliments supported assisted and gaveYes!!!! Yes!!! And yessssss!

FTR, this sound like one of the most selfish responses I have seen. Damn dude! “gave up most of my personal enjoyment”. Lemme ask you….how much did she give up for you?

Men are so different than women. Did you know that?

You gave up so much of yourself…..

Have you considered….that maybe just maybe…if you gave a little more…that she would melt in your arms? Have you really given her needs as much thought to your own? Personally, when I was first married I did not. [censored] to say..but it is the truth. I did not because I did not know HOW TOO. That is the piece I wonder if you see….can you see that some of your mistakes were not really your fault but it does not mean that you do not own them? Can you see that maybe your upbringing, your past relationships played a role in this?

I’ll use my own personal sitch as an example…

My Mom was married to my brother’s dad when she cheated on him with my dad. When I was born her H was away in the army – my dad…said…not my kids, left 20 bucks on the table and I have never seen him since. Sooooo….I grew up with abandonment issues. When I was married, I carried that chit into the M. It but a lot of pressure on the M. Add to that, that I did not trust my W, which as I can look at it was the result of MY issues. It was not until I really worked on my own chit that I was able to see this. I thank god for these boards and the people on here that helped me.

Fast forward to a few months ago…..

I’m laying in bed naked with my fiancé (just had porn star sex again)…and she looks over and says to me…”how is it that you can trust me – after what your ex did” – my response – You are not my ex, you have not done anything to make me not trust you and honestly….it is the work I do everyday – I choose to not let me own issues, have an effect on our R. So when the mind demons come and whisper “ya can’t trust her – remember your mom”…I choose to say NO – I do trust her.

My point here dude…is that YOU really can choose to change how you look at things.
I have a lot more to post but I have to go. I’ll check up on you later..in the meantime do the following for me…

Write down 10 things that you love about your w
Write down 10 things that you love about you
Write down 10 things/dreams that you have…goals if you will

Peace,
Eric

[Cw_wc]

Eric.
A lot of stings. I reread my posts. Yes they look like a little angry boy. Yes they look like a victim. Guilty.

So let me start again.
I met my wife and fell in love within seconds. Not minutes not weeks not years seconds. She is /was( please for the love of god don't crucify me on this) first and foremost my very best friend. She was( I can say was now) my lover my support my confident. Everything.
I came to the marriage with some ideas. Mistake 1. I brought my ideas. She came with hers. And for a long time it worked. I didn't always get my way and if I'm going to be truthful her way was so far removed from how I grew up that it was exciting to step somewhere new.
I have huge faults. Suppress my emotions. Don't argue, accept what I've been told. Yes emotionally I am/was not very advanced. Can't say why. Good loving family. Nice childhood strong parents. Maybe I was just built this way. I don't offer an apology but in working with my ic I'm starting to identify emotions. Can anyone relate to what it's like to only feel anger or joy but not jealousy,envy relief,....... Well that's me.
So in that regards yes very unfair to w. How can you fix something you don't know is wrong. She didn't know and neither did I.

But as our marriage progressed it FELT TO ME that she new I couldn't voice my wants and simply took advantage of that and did as she pleased. I'm saying felt to me not she did because in the very short time I've been here I realize that this is about me and my issues not her.

This pattern continued for a decade. The give the take. The lead the follow. Not her fault I see now. But in doing this I lost so much of what I felt for her inside. My space became empty. And the more I withdrew inside that the more she seemed to me to be happy about it.

I came into this forum mad angry and hurt. I wanted to yell. Several of you slapped me down hard. I can only say thank you.

But my worry my fear is that I have lost all the feelings and they will never come back. I've lost the woman I have loved and my best friend. Recent events which I am not ready to share have also caused me to loose my trust.

This has been a very long road. And just when I thought it was coming to the end you guys hand me a map and say surprise lots left.
Thanks

[Cw_wc]

FTR, this sound like one of the most selfish responses I have seen. Damn dude! “gave up most of my personal enjoyment”. Lemme ask you….how much did she give up for you?


I think I'd argue this one. Again I'm obviously not good at relaying my emotional state.
I think I did support her and her work and wants. Very much so. Almost anything she expressed a desire to do I supported and assisted wherever I could. I don't think she would argue that. From her recreational actives to returning to school to finish her degree and complete a masters I was supportive. And not just financially. I volunteered at her events I changed my schedules to meet hers I listen to her, read her papers from school when she asked. I even read some of her assigned readings when she wanted to be able to discuss topics and wanted me to understand. So although you say it sounds selfish I really did support her choices and decisions. And not just with my checkbook. But with my time.

[Cw_wc]

I am sorry you feel that I was hard. Next time I’ll use pink colored text.


Lol. Sorry but you made me laugh. F*#k I swear these post aren't me. I can do better then this

[Rick1963]

Man you remind me so much of me. Always keeping scores. My ex did the same. The difference. I acknowledge her supporting me in going to college and grad school. She was a great cheerleader. But she could never admit how supportive i was of her and wishes and goals. She dismissed everything i did to support her. DO YOU KNOW HOW HURTFUL THAT IS?

[Cw_wc]

Rick I'm not sure I understand.
I'm not keeping score. Several people have asked. Did you do this. Did you do that? What did you do? I was only replying.
This is getting difficult to follow.

[Cw_wc]

Did you support her. In the way she needed ?

[Cw_wc]

Cadet
I'm going to disagree with love is a choice. Love is an emotion. How we deal with that emotion is the choice. My problem....do I still have that emotion.