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"I have not met a women…who if you….

Validate

Take care of

Show they matter

Make sure that sex is NOT one sided

Show them how to lead

Respect them

Have fun with them

And Pursue them


Would not have sex with their partner. "

Yup^^^^^^^

This is something I KNOW and personally can attest .

If I don't feel appreciated, safe, valued, and placed first... then I feel hurt, used, as if I don't count, and unimportant.

Been there done that, and writing a new chapter

It is easy to dismiss what a SAHM does, or what YOU don't see on a daily basis. It is WORK ! It is physical AND it is emotionally exhausting and draining at times.

Does it have perks, occasionally... just like a job outside the home as well.

I'm hearing a man who needs to do a lot of introspection. A man who's pride has been hurt and has stuffed a lot of things down, because he didn't know how to communicate effectively in conflict.

Is it unusual? No. It is quite common. Does running away solve anything? Nope, just masks the original problem.

Can this be fixed, as long as there isn't any physical or emotional abuse, YES !

If you just want out... why are YOU on here? This is a place where we work on ourselves and our marriages. Where we honor the commitment we made to our spouse and to God.

We get hit upside the head if we are stubborn and don't see the whole picture.

Welcome to Hell! Just kidding... But in a way, not. We go through it because we care and love our spouse. We want to be a better person.

So again, why are YOU here? Do YOU want to put in the work and time, or do YOU just want to be a victim? Because what I see presently is an individual who is his own victim.


Formerly Workinprogress
H :55
M :over 29 yrs.
Together : 33
D : college
D : adult
BD and left : May 2013
Separated
Experimenting/Replay

Jan 2014...Let go of rope!


God grant me the serenity...
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Hey CW....very interesting post I will say. As others have said, people generally come here in an effort to save their M, so I'm a little confused as what you're hoping to get from the community.

As Eric said, maybe in the back of your mind you still question if it's the right choice? You certainly sound like you have tons of resentment and hurt....and that tends to cloud our judgement.

One thing I often say is DB is about saving your M, but if you do the work, even if you don't manage to save your M, you can save yourself. Perhaps in your case, that's a place to focus since you're not interested in the former (at least not at the moment).

Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
So my advice is take a look inside dude….take a look hard look inside. You may not like what you see….and it will be hard to change…but when YOU do….

Ohhh…it is so worth it.


That is super advice. Most of us don't want to look in the mirror, to take responsibility, to own OUR choices. It's hard. It's especially hard because most of the time we look and think, "how awful." I know I did....I was embarrassed, ashamed even.

So start there....what don't you like about YOUR role in the M? What don't you like about YOU?

As Eric said, if you don't address your own stuff, you will most likely drag that from one relationship to the next. Do yourself a favor, regardless as to whether you choose to work on your M or not, work on yourself.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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Mach and eric
A lot of insight. Thank you.
Yes I am mad. And hurt and a lot of things. And yes my post come across as one sided and arrogant. Not much I can do to change that. You may both be right. I don't know anymore. I'm tired. I'm hurt I'm angry I'm fed up. Yes divorce is one solution. There are others. I'm reading and re reading you words. Perhaps she's right perhaps you are too. Maybe this is my fault. I don't know anymore. And again I'm tired. Do you know how that feels???? I mean real exhaustion, wiped out nothing left tired? You have both been here for a long time. 14 years and 16 years. Your responses are hard and even arrogant. Understandable. I didn't give you much to work with. But when you invest every inch of your being into someone(and I did) and they take you are left empty bitter and mad. Your both right. I'm not here anymore. I desperately wanted to be. I love my wife with everything. I gave her everything inside me. So yes please judge me because I cannot write with a peaceful mind. I get that. But you'd be wrong to think that I didn't give myself to her. I am at an end I simply cannot turn back from.

Good forum. Thank you

Cw_wc #2458171 06/06/14 10:55 PM
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Eric,
Let me apologies. I really don't know how these posts/ forums work. You've been here for a decade. I've only ever used fb to post vacation photos so if there is a protocol or I've stepped over a boundary, my apologies

Cw_wc #2458173 06/06/14 11:01 PM
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Ambivalent,
Victim?? No. I'm not being a victim. Truly not. I didn't "woe is me" during our marriage. I fell out of love.
Of course I have issues and defects. What human doesn't. And during the course of our marriage I verbalized a lot of things that were simply ignored. My fault maybe.
This may be db but I've read a lot of posts in here. Not all charitable. Not all working towards an r. I stated what I've come from and how I feel. You can see my anger and hurt

Cw_wc #2458174 06/06/14 11:04 PM
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No need to apologize CW. Glad that you found this forum and very sorry that you find yourself here. It is never too late to learn about oneself and change those things that you dont like about you. The more you post and share the more insight you will get. Nothing lost by becoming the best you can be.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Did you ever once, stop living within your own head, long enough to be empathetic to her day ??

Did you ever try to listen to what her day consisted of ???

Her trials and tribulations through out raising YOUR children ???


All the time. For the record I worked to give her what she asked for. And when I was home I listened and did what I could whenever I could. I gave up most of my personal enjoyment. I validated, compliments supported assisted and gaveYes!!!! Yes!!! And yessssss!

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From your response to Cadet, it seems that you have your mind made up already, so I doubt that I will influence you at all, and I am okay with that.

It is also highly unlikely that you will find much support with your current stance on your marriage.

Many people here are fighting with every ounce of energy that they have, to be in a position of their spouse willing to work through their problems, and let their marriage become disposable...


Originally Posted By: Cw_wc

Married 19 yrs, separated 2
When we were first married my w was a fun energetic woman. But very quickly into our marriage things started to change. After our son was born and I was hired at a ver good job it was decided that she would stay home. I would work. At the time she had just decided that we should move and 1.5 hrs away from the city to the country because she needed the space . Let me be clear that throughout our marriage this occurred a lot. W made all the decisions. Only because if she didn't get her way she would argue and push and fight and finally withdraw any support should my choice fail. It made daily life kinda miserable and I learned very quickly to let her have her way.


Why did she make decisions ?

Because she was in the moment and life more than you, with the hours and energy that you put into working ??

Was working more important than being in that moment with her ??

Very good job, to a Man = a LOT of time away from the home. You worked, and the more that you worked, the more obligation that you felt to the house, and the more obligation that you felt, the more entitled that you became, and the more entitled that you became, the more resentment you built, due to unmet, unspoken expectations...

You did have a say, and an opinion, you just "chose" not to voice it.

You are not a victim of her choices, you are only a victim of your own choices...


Originally Posted By: Cw_wc

W stayed at home while I commuted and worked. In her mind stay at home meant watching our son. Not doing the laundry cleaning the house of preparing dinners. At least not on a regular basis. Nod eventually it didn't mean watching our son with. As soon as he was old enough off he went to daycare 3 days a week. She need a "little down". When our D came along several years later and the same pattern was applied. W took on part time jobs.


Wow, that is a LOT of resentment in those words....

So let me ask you this...

2 young children in the house...

Who do you think was caring for them while you were at work all day ???

Who was changing diapers, feeding, chasing around the house, Doctors appointments, pre-school, field trips, birthday parties, and the list goes on and on ??

Now, YOU may have been at working providing a stable financial life, yet being a full time Mother is just as exhausting, probably more exhausting than the relief that the working partner gets at their job...

I cannot tip my hat far enough, for what a SAHM does during her day. I didn't always get it either....

Did you ever once, stop living within your own head, long enough to be empathetic to her day ??

Did you ever try to listen to what her day consisted of ???

Her trials and tribulations through out raising YOUR children ???

How old was he when he went to Daycare ???



Originally Posted By: Cw_wc

7 years ago started the 5 year stretch without sex. Yes 5 years!!! I couldn't take it. She did something she did frequently, she went through my phone and saw I had written get rid of wife as one of my goals. She confronted me( she always confronted me when she went through my phone of opened my mail). And I finally had the guts to say yes. I want out. Since then it has been an up and down roller coast. I don't love her anymore. She cannot seem to get this. She says she's changed and now she realizes I was the problem all the time!!!


You really should educate yourself on what drives the passion within a Woman...

Men have a very strong tendency to withdraw emotionally from a relationship when they are faced with OUR daily struggles of life...

Women withdraw from meeting a Man's physical needs, when the emotional part is not fulfilled...

Rough day at work ?

Who do we tend to unleash that on..

Bad commute ???

Who hears about that...

Some jerk at the office ???

Who hears our vent about that..

Yea, and when do we find the time to fuel our partners emotional fire ????

Men fuel their fire through the physical side of the relationship, women fuel their passion through the emotional side...

I would assume that the lack of sex was an EQUAL part of the routine...

You didn't feed the emotion, she didn't feed the physical...

And typically, when there is the lack of feeding those key elements, there is an outside reason when Men give up trying...hence her searching through your phone.

Was it the right thing to do ???

Probably not, and I do understand your resentment...

Although, if you are honest, she DID have good reason to be suspicious now




I did all of these and more. I never stepped out of our marriage. Not once. Did I unload on her. No more then is normal. Did I listen to her days her wants her requests. All the time. Did I compliment her. Hell yes. Did I woo her. I don't know sending her flowers every month dinners out anything I could think of. I sent get flowers as a gift once. Every month for a year. So she would hav fresh flowers delivered. Her response. His much did you pay because the the bouquet isn't very big!
Ya I tried

Cw_wc #2458181 06/06/14 11:20 PM
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Thank you rick

Ya I'm being a prick and I know it. But damn it I wanted this so much. I have children. I never wanted children, horrible to say but I love them and would never give them up for anything.

I loved my w until it hurt. I trusted her. She was everything to me.

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Btw you guys are brutal (lol). No room for empathy

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