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And0324 Offline OP
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Finally was able to talk to two lawyers, waiting on the third. Probably will be the same response from the third. She can leave and take the children. I cannot stop her from taking the kids. My only recourse is if she puts the children in jeopardy or makes it impossible for me to see them. Keeping me away from the kids would be for certain amount of time. Both recommended to protect myself and my parental rights by going to mediation to prevent this from happening.

I love my children and do not want to put them under any undo stress. Why do I have to be the adult here. I feel like I am letting the child get away with a tantrum.

I over heard her saying she wants to get out of the marriage. I have told her before I am not trapping her, she can leave at any time. She still blames me for everything.

If it wasn't for exercise, meditation, and prayer, I would be a total(not the word I want to use) mess. GAL is hard at times - I end up doing things by myself because of the few friends, who have a degree of separation, cancel meeting me. Still working on establishing a closer friendship with the people I do activities with during the week. I do not want to come across as needy.

I feel frustrated, angry and hurt. I cannot wait to lift weights and do some yard work.

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And0324 Offline OP
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I finally went to an IC today. Not sure if I will go again, she kept asking me why I am trying to save the marriage when it takes two people to work on the R. She says my W has checked out already, so why do I stay? She wants me to come to grips with my feelings of loss.

Also, I talked to my 4th and 5th L today. They all read from the same playbook it seems, go to mediation, CYA and then move out. Not sure what to do any more. It seems friends and family all say the same thing also. It is so frustrating and makes me pissed off and angry.

Has any one else heard the same advice?

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And0324, they all say the same thing because they don't know about DB/DR.

You know if you want to save your marriage, this is your best shot.

I'd like to offer some advice but I'm no expert, just someone else struggling in a similar boat. All I can say is, keep on keeping on.

Old Dog xx


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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And0324 Offline OP
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I feel like I am swimming against a strong river. Today she asked why I continue to wear my ring. She said the marriage is over and it is time to move forward. I feel so frustrated, angry and hurt.

Do I keep the ring on or do I stop wearing it??

I went out with family friends(both couples know about the sitch) this weekend because they all asked me. It was strange I had a good time but still felt something missing. I really like these people. My W disses both couples marriages a lot, saying their marriages are not of a good emotional connection either. They all seem happy to me. They also are more open to me about the difficulties in their marriages. I feel like I am a counsellor at times. Even the one marriage she thinks is great, has issues. The wife told me of the issues they had on a recent trip, all I kept thinking was damn she is forgiving. I would have ended up being in a world of trouble if I only remembered the flight tickets. I keep looking for any positives in the R.

All I know is this is not all me, though she says it is mine to own.

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Hi ya, And.

So sorry to find you here.

A coupla things here:

-it sounds like your IC is crappy and not solutions based. You might want to think about switching to another IC who is supportive of you and your goals.
-DO NOT move out of the house under any circumstances. It is W who is having a problem and should be the one to move out. Not you.
-wearing a ring or not is a personal choice. A lot of the times the WAS wants to see the ring gone to assuage of their own guilt. It seems to me that you want to continue wearing your ring...then do it.

We've heard a lot of what your W said around here in DBland. Sorry to say ...but pretty much script.

I would suggest that you stop talking with your family and friends about your M. You would want the road back home paved smooth for your W and talking about your M to others just makes it harder for the WAS to come back home because they feel "betrayed" by the talks behind their backs.

How are you doing in the GAL department?

Here's extra help for you: Validation: Cheat Sheet

Last edited by Wonka; 08/10/14 08:33 PM.
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And0324 Offline OP
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The family friends are cool. They don't ask and I don't offer any info. We go out eat and talk about other things or go out and have fun. I am out for the fun and companionship. I think they just care about me.

GAL is going ok. the outdoor group is awesome. A good group of guys. I also will be coaching my S this fall. I am also getting a lot of compliments on my attire and my physique.

I have the validation sheet, but I still become defensive occasionally

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And,

Originally Posted By: And0324
I have the validation sheet, but I still become defensive occasionally


Getting defensive or feeling defensive is something you need to dig deep and find the source of it within you. All the answers are inside you.

Why are you feeling defensive?
What's making you feel defensive?

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And0324 Offline OP
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Wonka,

She says I am a negative person. I get defensive because people enjoy working with me and say I have a positive attitude. I said this to her. She responded that I am emotionally shallow and they only see the surface. She is the only person who finds me negative.

She also brings up the past mistakes.

She also tells me the worst thing in life is to end up with people who makes you feel alone.

I went to the IC again and she asked more questions and seemed a little more supportive. I told her about how my W does not want me to do activities with "her" friends when they ask me. Also how she says that me doing some of the same sports, is taking the sports away from her. The IC's response was "what is she, nine." She also said that even though my W says she has no feelings towards me, her actions and words show anger.

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And0324 I am not saying that this is what is happening but check this out...
Do you think you might only be negative when you are around her and with her only? If you have resentments towards her that might be a reason.

Now for the next, she asked you to remove the ring...you became angry about it.... Why?
Do you believe in wearing the ring? If you do, whatever she says its out of your business....
My ExW didnt liked that I wanted to talk about kids at all...I took that personal and thought it was my fault, was it? Nop , I wanted kids, and I wanted to have info about if we were gonna have them or not...it wasnt my problem that I talked about it, it was something going on with her that she didnt wanted to have the conversation at all...
I mean if she is upset for something that you are doing that hurts her, bro you have to change that....if it hurts her that you eat food everyday....she is the one who has to deal with that, not you.

Analize what makes her nuts, and see what its your responsability and what is simple resentment towards you....
At the end of my relationship my ex will get upset because I didnt carried at least $100 cash on my wallet....I understand she was upset about it, but I had no idea that made her upset because she never told me that it mades her upset... I am not a mind reader...
Take responsability for what you do, change it, and accept that somethings you cant change them.

This is not about the ring, she is already tired of the relationship and everything makes her upset so now its the perfect time for you to step absolutelly away from her and not pay attention to her 9 years old request, otherways she is gonna grow more and more resentment towards you.


When the student its ready, the teacher will appear...
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
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ye21,

I believe in wearing the ring. I still care and love her. It is the sign of the commitment I made to her. Plus we are still a married couple.

The things that she says are negative have happened in the past. Items like when I became frustrated that we went over our monthly budget. Especially when she had an expenditure that I did not know about. Or when she did not turn in her expense reports for the hotel and car rental on business trips and we would have to cover those costs for for months. Or when I became frustrated with the kids when they were 3 and 7 because they would be difficult to get to bed some times.

I am working on being more deep and descriptive of my emotions. This is one of her complaints. She wants to know what is the root cause of feelings or compliments. She is not satisfied by me saying I am angry that you did whatever, or I am disappointed, or you look beautiful in that dress, or your exercise and diet have made you look awesome. She wants more.

She also wants me out of the house. She sends info on apartments or places to rent.

So how do I step away from her? She is unwilling to leave.

I do not respond to a majority of her comments.

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