To Michele, 4 years later

[faithisbelieving]

After 4 years, my 13 year old son told me yesterday that 'mom regrets the divorce.'

I apologize to all the newbies here because, no, I am not getting back with my ex.

However, statistics don't lie. I recall reading during the 'days of horror' that 80% of spouses regret divorcing at some point. I also read that if a couple sticks it out during the tough times (if they do the work), they can salvage the marriage. Don't stay in an abusive relationship tho'.

One of the first posts I got here almost 8 years ago was 'this is going to take a long time'. Well, perhaps it did. But that ship sailed.

Wishing all of you strength and the courage to know what works....and what doesn't. FIB

[kml]

Hi FIB -
it's nice validation though, to hear that. Even so, you have to take it with a grain of salt since you're hearing it secondhand through your son.

I suspect I'll hear the same someday from my ex, although I don't look forward to it. I'm so disgusted by the way he's treated our young adult children and left me on the hook for all their financial needs, (despite the fact that he makes 3 times what I do), that I really don't care to speak to him at all. And my new guy treats me so much better than my ex ever did

You went through a very rough time, FIB, and I admire you for always having your children's needs at the forefront. You're a good dad and a good man.

[faithisbelieving]

Thx kml. Validation. Good word. What it tells me is that I was who I knew and said I was....good father, a hard worker and provider, and, yes....a good husband (ex). It may also mean that I did the work..made the changes....and the attraction.

It doesn't change history. People DO go through difficult times in life. My ex did. She threw out her marriage. She threw away her beautiful home. She impacted the lives of 2 young children. She dragged her family through financial destruction.

It is what it is.

Now that my kids are getting older, I am finding that the questions are coming:
-why did you two divorce
-who filed
-my D11 still hoping we will get back together
-my S14 listens to the 'limited' amount of information that I give him that I think is appropriate for him to know (I never bash his mom), until I get the, "OK dad, I don't want to hear anymore."

FIB

[Mach1]

As always...

Wishing you well, FIB

[Drew]

Strength and honor, my friend.

[owl777]

FIB. I really appreciate you coming online and telling the story again where it is now. Sometimes, with this DBing, most of the time, people are needing time and space away from S to grow. Unfortunately, one party feels the D is the answer. I had to grow to get away from my XH. Now, where I am I could have maybe stuck it out and maybe we could have made it today. I was in one of those abusive R and well ALANON helped me turn my life around. Not sure if exH used a program or not, but he became a Christian. You never know if it's possible to reconcile. When there's children involved you're always going to relate somehow and hopefully in a healthy way. FIB. I know how you feel. There's no way I'd go back into a M with my XH.

[Underdog]

FIB,

Great observations.

My 9th annivorcery was last Saturday (just want to share how long this gift keeps giving itself). I didn't remember it at all. At least until Sunday afternoon, while driving home from church with my D20. Her college BF lives in Albany, and he just headed home after a 10 day visit with us. (Young love, lots of tears, you know the drill. Only she's a lot more realistic about things than I was at 20.)

Anyway, on our way home, she asked me some really difficult questions. She knows first hand that her dad wishes he had done things differently. And like you, there is not a snowball's chance in hell that we could put Humpty back together again - though we are definitely friends and I count him on Team Betsey without doubt.

She asked me to be honest and specific on the following questions:

1. Why did you REALLY divorce?
2. In your opinion, could the D have been prevented? If so, how? And if so, who?
3. Who filed?
4. What would YOU do differently all over again?
5. Was there anything good that came from the experience?

Lots of similar questions your S14 asked you. And she expected me to be forthright and completely honest with her. So I was. While I no longer feel the hurt, bringing some of it up again did make me a little angry all over again.

I can only tell you that they are smart and they know more than you can ever think they do. Don't be surprised if it comes up again when he gets a serious GF. My XH moved out shortly before my D20's 9th birthday, so it's been a long time that she's had separate households. We've plunked her into IC several times since then just to help her navigate her feelings and explore coping strategies. That's something she tells me she's grateful for, though she was kind of pissed to begin with. Her words: "I appreciate that you and Dad didn't have the answers I needed and felt I should be in contact with someone who could help me outside of family."

Your efforts won't hurt you in the long run. You've just been able to clean up some baggage that will certainly be appreciated by another woman at some point. A woman who will absolutely revel in your wholeness and be grateful for your path.

Keep it up, and good luck.

Betsey