Thanks Betsey, yes, my head is swimming. It is all so complicated.I am sorry for being so dense here, but why can't it be written that H pays D support for life? I mean I am aware that once she qualifies for SSI, she should have no "income" or assets. We do have a special needs trust. I have called around and gotten an idea of future costs for day programs.I am aware of private group homes.
D is going to a camp this summer that is part of a living community.H and I had discussed this years ago about D going when she turned 16 so we could check it out for future.Needless to say it is very, very expensive.
i am getting somewhat the panic feeling. I finish my classes in september and will need to find a job. This is after 20+ years of being a SAHM. A lot of changes coming our way....I know I am capable. I don't want to borrow trouble. Feeling I will have to squash some resentment on my part...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Take a deep breath (I'm doing the same). Sometimes it's best not to borrow trouble and just live in the now?
Good luck on your job search!
BTW, I was a little worried about stuff myself. Then some things happened that completely changed the landscape. So hang in there. Remember that when one door shuts, another one (or two) opens.
Child support is a formula and I have yet to hear of a situation where it can't be modified every 3 years or sooner if things change on either end. That being said... and most orders for child support cease on a child's 19th birthday.
Here's what I was told very recently (remember, my D is turning 18 next March and I'm knee deep in this stuff). If my D lives with me, it's MY choice. And if she went to live with her dad, it would be HIS choice. The state feels that I could emancipate her and that her dad is not on the hook for it.
Now I'll say what I need to say. You and I both know that her living standard would deteriorate if you were to do that. So does her dad. It's probably in HER best interest for her to live with you, at least for awhile after she becomes an adult. And if her dad was the good-hearted person you have stated he is, then he can help you out. HOWEVER, he could also use the trust account as his funding target.
Another tidbit for you: your special needs trust will have to be modified once you are divorced. This is because you both are legally entitled to having different beneficiaries. So you have some legal wrangling to do anyway. Talk it out with your H once you have the facts from Texas.
Nothing about this process is straight forward, Will. It's opened a few cans of worms for me too. I'm still learning and will probably still keep finding out stuff as I go along. If it makes you feel better, our SNT was formed in 2003 when we were separated but not divorced. I just found out that the state could challenge it right now on 2 accounts: 1) we're divorced, and 2) it has been more than 10 years since it was done. So my XH and I are motivated to get this addressed this summer. I just need to finish my transition classes (next week) before I make an appointment with the attorney.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
unless something were to happen to me, D will not live with h. H will not fight that. He knows D is better with me. H will be moving out of state in Sept. He is giving up his apt here .so when he is in town, d will stay with h at a hotel. She of course will think this is great fun! Most likely, D will not go visit h in new state. H doesn't have D for more than one night as it is. We do have something here in Texas that addresses support for special needs kids. Perhaps TX got one thing right( IDK).
I do continually remind myself to look forward and not back. I know good will be on the horizon.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Willbwell, these are a lot of changes coming your way. No wonder you feel overwhelmed. It could bring some fresh development into your sitch though and hopefully it will be good for you. Once you find a job, you will not be thinking about H that much. Trust me, I’ve been there. I was out of work for one year, and as soon as I started working I started feeling better about my sitch, like I finally started to move on a little. Just think positive about the changes you are facing, put good vibes into the universe and it will return the good things to you.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you Bright, I have been reading and following. Good for you on the new job!
i want to journal here some thoughts.
I am feeling a little overwhelmed. So much to do. I know I just need to take action. I make my lists. i have been trying to work ahead on HW so as not to have that over my head. I am afraid about getting a job/ working. I won't know until I try-right? have to trust.
I told the boys last night about the d. I have been looking for an opportunity to talk with them. s20 leaves next week for a study abroad. He will be gone rest of summer.
I did not tell them about h moving to another state. That will be for h to tell. although, not sure it matters. They rarely see him as it is. Their relationship has become a texting one.
I did say to the boys that I/we will be ok. They are good sweet close boys. I am fortunate.
My kids are leaving the nest and it does make me a little sad.
Have I found me yet? I don't know. i do love taking care of my family. Trying to do some good in our community. I know I need to add "take better care of me" to the list.
Feel my feelings and then let them go...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
I just wanted to blip in and say hi and what alot of stuff going on in your life.... i'd be freaking out- i am trying hard in life to just stay rite in the day, in the moment. I worry about a fulltime job too- been out of work force 20 years having a nice life too-
you'd have to be crazy NOT to have a bit of apprehension- but i reckon we'll do it when we must, and that will be that. remember how that allhappens in life- you get something shoved down your throat and you just swallow it- or spit it out- but til it happens no sense stressing too terribly in advance. savor the days you're not working- it'll be okay i think when you do, and when i do.
I work sporadically- and i like it - after allll these years at home- the st imulation makes me feel very lively and out there in life. it's good- i think you'll be okay and actually like it (or not mind it) - the grind of getting up and getting there aside. it'll be a good thing for both of us- HOW'S THAT for trying to be upbeat about something that might be a bit scary.
compared to surviving this mlc junk and not falling apart on the floor- working will be a walk in the park. just one more thing we need to do- and do.
I'M HOPING that was supportive - and not just dreary. i do believe it. if you can pull back and stay in today- that might help too- i find contemplating the "future" to be a huge downer.
I just cannot "see" it anymore- so i'm abandonign it. besides - who the heck knows what it holds? it could be anything- you could be swept off your feet with love tomorrow- or I could be hit by a bus- no sense even trying to anticipate. i feel loosely like it will be okay, in the end.
you are dealing with a heck of alot of stuff. i truly regret (now) not having kids. oh well huh? too little too late. your kids sound great and being involved with them will keep ya grounded - no s\mall thing. i have my neices and we're close - so that helps tremendously - someone that we care about and have a hand in "guiding" somewhat.
you're sounding good- hang on- one way or the other, all the junk will sort itself out - . i'm goinmg to try t's matra as well. i do need to do something to conquer the little resentment issues i have. i'm not overwhelmed with it or by it- but i'm certainly not all that genrous in spirit. i'll give it a whirl - wishing well to h - it'll be a stretch for me.
personally- i'd like to see him have a sudden burst of "realization" of what he's working so hard to destropy and how empty his life will be without me - and fall on the floor wailing in misery - a pretty picture - (maybe all his hair spontaneously drop out of his head - well, maybe his (uh hem - you know ) fall off , i don't think it's gonna hjappen- he does need to cry and feel despair tho - in life, just once - for his mother, his father , his brother - all the people he says he feels nothing for (???) - wtf? how do people get like that??? ya gotta wonder.
me- we love everyone - we believe everyone - we think we're allllll people together and need love like everyone else - and deserve it, happiness, appreciation, etc.....
peace out man- can't we all just get along?>>>>.......
well, maybe a little revenge. it's pitiful what he's made me feel- God alone knows what they feel- oh well- trying to rise above my petty little desire for them to feel what they've dealt out to us. NOTE TO SELF- write the stinkin matra down and say it - alot - try to make it part of my brain....
ohmmmmmmmm....... good luck - hang on- you do sound like you're doing well handling alllll this stuff.....
Hi just caught up on your thread. You do have a ton on your plate. Good luck! I have really come to believe that every thing will always work out. One way or the other it will work out. (Funny how my h was always trying to get me to understand that and it took him leaving for me to get it)
I am glad you found an opportunity to talk to your boys. Now you can all be emotional support for each other.
My ss15 would say "so many feels" it wouldn't be life without the feels.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
having such a hard time focusing on my hw. sometimes it is a good distraction. I am journaling again . want to get this out of my system.
I am recognizing my resentments and fears. I do resent the fact that I am doing everything for the kids and h is just off in lala land. I tell myself it does not matter. what matters is that I am being the best mom to my kids. those resentments though creep back in. How to be done with them??
Same thing with the fears. I recognize them. I try not to think too much about the future and focus on this day and the gifts this day brings.
I feel like I am waiting to get there.
Recognize and release, but they keep coming back. really I want them to stop coming back. does that ever happen??
can't rush it, I know.
One other thing... I miss, I want someone to do something nice for me!! Its silly. I do have so many positives... idk, something special just for me. I do do for others. Its not that. I want to be #1 in someones eyes....I am not right now.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
me too - i want to be special to someone. doesn't seem like that much to ask- just to be the most important person in someone's life.
i'd like to see a face light up because i appeared. i can still remember how it felt- that's the problem. got habituated really fast- what a great addiction.
oh well- i wish it for both of us- in our futures - being the object of someone's love.
