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rayzzz Offline OP
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So yeah that whisper you just heard is me whispering "I love you" to the empty side of our bed (WAW is out tonight)...man that feels good and I try not to crack too often but in between detaching I just need a breather!
Today went well, was out for my p/t work for most of the day, came back played some video games and watched tv with kids and read them to sleep. I also did some research on validating as my "systems based practice" (see Jamesclear.com, fancy word for habits & goals) is to:
-give her space
-validate her feelings
-GAL like crazy
-180 in my new quiet calm attitude (usually type A super loud and exuberant) getting hold of my grumpy nature and changing it.

so here's what I found if you su$k at validating like I do (maybe most men? :P)

This is an excerpt from pages 103-104 from my book When Hope is Not Enough: a how-to guide for living with and loving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. This excerpt comes from my (long) discussion of validation and how and why to do it. In the book, I outline a six step process to validation. This is a part of “Step 3: Making a Validating Statement”:
Examples of validating statements:
- That must have made you feel really angry.
- What a frustrating situation to be in!
- It must make you feel angry to have someone do that.
- That’s so difficult for you.
- Wow, how hard that must be.
- That’s stinks!
- That’s messed up! (or stronger language if you are so inclined)
- How frustrating!
- Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel really sad.
- Boy, you must be angry.
- What a horrible feeling.
- What a tough spot.
- That must be really discouraging.
- I bet you feel disappointed.
- Rats, I know how much that meant to you.
- That’s so painful for you.
- Tell me more. (shows interest)
- Wow, she must have made you really angry.
And, of course, many, many more. If you want a validating statement to feel “true” make it about the truth of the situation for the other person. That truth is the way they feel about the event.

So there you go DBers have at it and use it to win back the WAS!

all in all a good day. Reminding myself to be slow and steady and patient in love....


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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Ray,

While what you posted is great information, the goal should not be solely to "win back the WAS." The LBS can only focus on improving themselves and validating emotions is absolutely essential for intimate communications.

Great information! I do plan to incorporate some of these into my future communcations with my WAW. I was supposed to meet her today to talk over finances, however she was not feeling well after her dental appointment. We have rescheduled to this Friday....appreciate the help friend smile



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
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rayzzz Offline OP
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Thanks Riley for the reality check. for me, change is for me....

Today was a good day, but I have a 180 question...I wonder if I have pioneered the FB 180?

I have been posting how great I feel and all the new GAL experiences I am having..like this fb post:

"Today is a day I wouldn't change. Smiles were there, curiosity, laughter, reflection and that deep knowing that life is so worth living and sharing. Its an adventure to live. Go and do likewise!"

She lurkes on fb so its a little indiscreet cause everybody thinks I am having good days! Now validation may be a bit harder on social media lol.


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 241
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rayzzz Offline OP
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OK so I am in sad missing mode right now. My WAW. I did a great job of being upbeat and letting her know the kids and I had a great day...but inside you'd think she could hear my heart shattering to pieces.
We did homebirths for all three of our kids and I am just so astounded that I was there pushing on her back, comforting, sharing the first cries of each child...and now she is "so done. Too little too late. i would've left ages ago if it wasnt for the kids" man. Its like her cup is broken on the bottom so any love i try to give her keeps pouring out but the hope is that my DBs change me and then the water would be like good old molasses or honey and stay in that cup someday. But she said she was "infuriated" with me last month....so she has levels of anger she is going to have to let go and that is gonna take a long time...patience..patience
Well onto GALing tomorrow; shopping for kids AND me (first in awhile), doing a picnic with kids in an unexplored park and then out to a movie with an old friend. Starting an acoustic jam night with a few musician friends, take up fly fishing again and see what I can sign up for at the Continuing Ed college and saving for a tattoo I have always wanted but didnt have the guts to do. bring it!
In my spirit I always hear "This is the best thing thats ever going to happen to me" and when I get past the pain and believe it I know it is. I am not ever going to be the man I was. I am working hard on the way better man I am becoming with or without her.


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Joined: Mar 2014
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Originally Posted By: rayzzz
Its like her cup is broken on the bottom so any love i try to give her keeps pouring out but the hope is that my DBs change me and then the water would be like good old molasses or honey and stay in that cup someday. But she said she was "infuriated" with me last month....so she has levels of anger she is going to have to let go and that is gonna take a long time...patience..patience


Yep, my wife is the same way. So much anger and resentment. Unfortunately it is one of the pieces in this that we can do nothing about. It just has to run its course. You seem to be well-aware of this though, so good on you!

Originally Posted By: rayzzz
Well onto GALing tomorrow; shopping for kids AND me (first in awhile), doing a picnic with kids in an unexplored park and then out to a movie with an old friend. Starting an acoustic jam night with a few musician friends, take up fly fishing again and see what I can sign up for at the Continuing Ed college and saving for a tattoo I have always wanted but didnt have the guts to do. bring it! In my spirit I always hear "This is the best thing thats ever going to happen to me" and when I get past the pain and believe it I know it is. I am not ever going to be the man I was. I am working hard on the way better man I am becoming with or without her.


Sounds like you're doing really well with GAL. Keep it up! Just keep reminding yourself of that silver lining--of course all of this will hopefully save your marriage, but if it doesn't you will be able to hold your head up high and know that you haven't wasted the opportunity to become a better person. Pulling for you man.


H: 43
W: 37
M: 11 years
T: 12 years
S: 11
D: 8
ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14
MC started: 9/22/14
Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14
Piecing: 10/20/14
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rayzzz Offline OP
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Thanks Stump, thats encouraging.
Thats crazy that your story mirrors mine, even age. She was pushing that seven year age difference was catching up to our interests and likes but she is going thru MLC going FT from SAM with kids. lost 60lbs, looks super hot like she was the 21 yr old girl I married.

Originally Posted By: stumps
Yep, my wife is the same way. So much anger and resentment. Unfortunately it is one of the pieces in this that we can do nothing about. It just has to run its course. You seem to be well-aware of this though, so good on you!


With all the rage and anger my IC said that no one can keep that up for long ..its exhausting...and it hides layers of deep profound sorrow. SO the best thing for is to get out of the way and go dim...think seeing me triggers a bullseye for her to hate. a little validation here is good too, but i try not to go overboard. you are right...we can do nothing so detach.

And I just cant shake that heart ache that hits me this morning though...ah well detach and GAL again...our buffers to pain. Ok rock it out Stumps and even in this terrible situation I am glad you are in the trenches battling with me. I am going to rescue my beauty...but it seems I have to go through the backdoor and be quiet about it.


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 241
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rayzzz Offline OP
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oh Stump, my D8...how did your kids handle telling them about separation? We tell them after Father's Day...argh


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 209
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Originally Posted By: rayzzz
oh Stump, my D8...how did your kids handle telling them about separation? We tell them after Father's Day...argh


We still haven't told them. I'm in no rush, and W doesn't want to tell them until her move-out plans are firm, and since she still hasn't told me what those plans are, we haven't set any date for discussing it with the kids, or what exactly we're going to say.

What's worse I think is that because W and I get along so well, and still do so much together, the kids have NO idea of what is potentially coming. W hid her feelings so well that the kids never witnessed any fighting or slow breakdown of the marriage or estrangement or anything like that. It is SO weird...from the outside you would think we were the happiest couple in the world. I never want to get my hopes up... but I am hoping that it's just one more thing that counts in my favor.


H: 43
W: 37
M: 11 years
T: 12 years
S: 11
D: 8
ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14
MC started: 9/22/14
Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14
Piecing: 10/20/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 241
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rayzzz Offline OP
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So here's the beginning of my weekend.
Have decided to blow our kids lives apart and give them a traumatic day they will never forget on Tuesday. Way better than the original idea--Father's Day....that would has ruined me even more.
My LRT seemed to be mirrored by WAW today she kept smiling and wishing me a good day. A small step that "showed me things are improving" is that she offered and did run to the cafe and buy me a latte. She did preface it with "just so you know this is a gesture of goodwill nothing more" but I'll take it!
I acted all casual and just gave a look in the eye and said a deep thanks and then kept putting away clothes.
Whatever she said I know she softened then. Nice.
And I know kids are resilient but seems so final now the road to divorce. We has no house together so moving into two separate new places it's hard to no be pessimistic . Don't believe what she says or does....detach. Ah well. Off to GAL at a festival I am playing at (I am a musician)
And then the gym.


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 241
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rayzzz Offline OP
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Hey Stumpy just forgot to mention another similarity that our kids don't have a clue either about what is going to happen on Tuesday----our separation disclosure .
My D8 knows we take turns in the house with them as one of us "stays over at a friends" but everyone thinks we are a great normal happy couple too. This is killing me and my anxiety is thru the roof. When my D8 asks "but you are going to get back together" I want to scream of course it is a temporary but my wife wants to make sure the kids don't have the hope that we are "ever going to get back together". Well I am ready to put my bravest, Daddy confident game face when we present and we'll see what happens later. Love my kids and I hope to get their mommy To come back and join us as a family


Me 42 W:35
M: 14yrs T:15yrs
D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs
BD: "I want a D"09/03/14
Sep: 30/06/14

Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
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