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Maybell #2454839 05/24/14 05:56 PM
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Second-guessing myself about the friendship thing. We've lived without it a long time and I value it too... Maybe continue slowly developing it? On the other hand, we are being more careful to be honest with one another lately so perhaps just putting that out there and continuing to be reserved about my side of things would be better?

I don't know hoe to draw these lines. This is such uncharted territory.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2454842 05/24/14 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Second-guessing myself about the friendship thing. We've lived without it a long time and I value it too... Maybe continue slowly developing it? On the other hand, we are being more careful to be honest with one another lately so perhaps just putting that out there and continuing to be reserved about my side of things would be better?

I don't know hoe to draw these lines. This is such uncharted territory.



Hi maybell, when you have time search pearlhorbor's threads. I learned a lot about boundries, especially if op is involved. Big hugs to you for having to tell your kiddos, that is so hard. I grew up in MD and miss it there!


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2454854 05/24/14 08:10 PM
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Thanks, MamaB, that helped!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2455004 05/25/14 08:36 PM
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He's been here all weekend, including spending the night last night in the guest room. We had an enjoyable evening watching TV (probably the best in months) and I had no problem just saying good night to him and going to bed. Slept fine.

Today, not so great.

I got dressed and went to church. Looked AWESOME (thank you, 20 pound weight loss). Met him & kids for lunch, then went to park for a while, then for ice cream. He sat next to me at the park, but I didn't talk to him. I had nothing to say and I figured if he cared he could make some conversation.

My 6yo fell at the park and scraped his elbow. This didn't bother him until we were walking to the ice cream place. After listening to some whining my husband said "He's hurting, I'm going to take him home now. Can you wait here for S8?" I said "do whatever you want." S8 had maybe three bites of ice cream left, and we were maybe 100 feet behind them when we got moving. At one point he turned around and looked at me. He never stopped for us until S8 caught up to them on his scooter. I didn't say anything because I know he'd make an excuse, and I know what the excuse would be, but I've been reading pearlharbor's threads and the "setting them free" thread.

You don't treat friends that way.

I have the appt with the attorney for next week and I've been waffling about what I was going to do there. But now I think I'm going to file.

We had a brief conversation about finances & separation last night. H shuddered when he said "I'm not ready to talk about custody" and he couldn't even say lawyer -- he just said, "What are you going to do about your appointment with that person?" And ASKED ME TO TELL HIM WHAT I LEARN so he can know what to expect! I've been digesting professional interactions for this guy for 16 years and he expects me to hire an attorney for myself and tell him what HIS options are? he's in la-la land!!!

What am I going to do? I'm going to show him that I know how I deserve to be treated. I'm going to bring his pigeons home to roost. The only things I have left to lose are civil conversation and the house. I'm fine with that. I actually think I am less likely to lose the civil conversation if I pursue a divorce because then he'll know I mean what I say.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2455152 05/26/14 04:03 PM
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Today he asked me to take delivery of the sofa sleeper for his new apartment!

I said "That's a big request" and he took it back. There were a few more words about it, among them me saying "If you want to be separate, then we need to be separate." I wish I had left that out. When will I learn to not speak so quickly???

I'm starting to say no to him more. I don't want to be around him for a while. I'm glad he's got such a huge travel schedule in June. It will be nice to relax and not have to brace myself for our interactions.

I'm not doing as well at this as I'd like to believe. I wish I were doing better. Though I wish I weren't going through it at all.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2455246 05/27/14 01:20 AM
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You are doing well Maybell. This is hard stuff. The impotant things that I learned from pearlharbor, and all the advice she got, was that strong boundaries are a must and for YOU. Also al0ng with boundries you need to GAL and work on those things that you feel will make you a better you. (you probably know this already)

If your H was asking you to go to his home for the sofa delivery, well yes to me that is a big request. Next time he wants your time tell him "sorry, I have plans that day" or something like that. I have been trying to show my boundries through actions, not words (although I was much better at this before H wanted C and now I need to figure out my line.) Anyway, I felt your strength in the post before your last one. You have this.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2455889 05/29/14 02:35 PM
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Things are shifting and I'm not sure where I stand anymore.

I've gone pretty dim since Sunday -- asked him not to stick around on Sunday evening after he put the kids to bed, went out with a friend and got a margarita while he watched the boys on Monday, not texting or talking at all except when he initiates. But he has started kind of following me around a little. He looked surprised when I asked him to leave on Sunday, but I was so exhausted, I couldn't be around him anymore. It just took too much energy. He took the kids to Target Monday and sent me *15* texts asking where to find things, whether I approved his choices, etc. Tuesday we got an IRS thing in the mail that needed a signature, so I sent him a one-sentence email letting him know it was there, but it could have waited till he was next at the house. Instead he came over early from work, signed it, and then stuck around while I made dinner for the kids noshing on vegetables off the plate while I cut them, asking if I needed help with anything (I just raised my eyebrows at him), and then saying again, before he left, "I really want to be able to help with something." (OK, great, why couldn't you have HELPED take care of our marriage???) Wednesday he sent three texts letting me know he was stopping by the house to pick up something he'd forgotten and offering me his car while he's out of the country. I answered one, with one line.

Yesterday waiting in the car line to pick up my kids, I was playing around on Facebook and saw that he'd posted a link to a song. He hadn't posted anything but runs prior to that in almost a week. (prior to BD posted multiple times a day) His method of communication when he wants to be really eloquent is sharing song links. The song he linked was "Zigzagging Toward the Light." Curious.

So now I'm thinking all the following around, too much texting and wordy emails from this very uncommunicative guy, and the song link are messages for me. Perhaps.

And I don't know how I feel about it.

I mean, he said a lot of incredibly hurtful things (I only married you because everybody else was getting married; I don't remember being happy with you; I've been going through the motions for years) in the name of "honesty" and "authenticity" -- all the while he was carrying on an EA/PA with OW in another country. So not a ton of authenticity or honesty there. Nor has he been honest or authentic with anyone else in his circle.

My S8 this morning told me he didn't sleep well because it's hard to sleep when you're crying over how much you miss your dad.

Can I ever forgive or re-enter a relationship with a person who has inflicted this much gratuitous pain on me and on my kids? Why would I?

And of course it's probably too soon to even ask this question. But really, ought I to stand for a marriage with a person who is capable of all this? Would I want my kids to?

The truth is, that question, would I want my kids to, is trickier than it looks. Because I want my kids to be people of integrity, to stand by their commitments, to be strong enough to see the good in a person who has behaved horribly, recognizing that any of us are capable of phenomenally huge mistakes and deserving of forgiveness. On the other hand, where is the limit for what we should be willing to stand for? If my kids made mistakes like his, would I want the message to be "there is a limit to my love, there are circumstances under which I am justified in casting you off"?

I don't know anymore if I want him back. I don't want him as he is, but sometimes I see glimmers of his true self in there and that guy, yes, that guy I want back. But I don't know if that guy is still around, or if I will ever be able to see him without also seeing the guy who could tell me he only married me because everyone else was getting hitched.

HELP. Please.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Maybell #2455932 05/29/14 04:42 PM
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Wow Maybell!

You have asked yourself a lot of really important questions. (I struggle with the very same things). But I think it's ok to pose the questions to yourself right now without worrying that you need to have answers to them at this moment. Just continue being the strong woman and mom you are, and take things one step at a time. Stay on your journey, and let your H continue on his.

Re: forgiveness... my H was the one who left, but neither of us were happy. Am I *that* much "better" of a person because I simply stuck around? It's not like I took any steps to make things better. Not sure how that compares to your sitch, but I do think of my side when I consider forgiveness, etc...


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

claire7 #2455944 05/29/14 05:16 PM
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Maybell, sorry I have not read through your entire story but how would you say your M was before all this began? If you look at things very objectively were there things that you contributed to making your marriage vulnerable to this? Or is this really 100% on H?

In my case, the truth is I have not been the best wife. H certainly made his mistakes as well (pre-A and then obviously the A) but I could be pretty harsh, controlling, often rejecting of him. I most definitely have accountability. And that is a big reason why I feel driven to stand for the M and give him another chance. Really, he would be giving ME another chance as well if he recommitted to the M. While there is NO excuse for what he did I can see how I led him to the well, he chose to drink the poison and needs to take full accountability for that but I definitely had a hand in getting him there.

When H and I were in MC during our initial (failed) reconciliation attempt he said that what he really wanted was to feel with ME what he was feeling with OW. He used to feel for me what he felt with her. He was so clearly trying to recapture that, he even did a few things with/for her that he did for ME in our early very romantic days. Now obviously he should have been doing those things for/with me but I think he felt he had tried and was simply at a point of giving up. That the only way he could keep his family intact (which I know he loves) and be happy was to secrectly have this OW on the side to fill what was so sorely missing. It really makes me quite sad when I think about it.

Please know, I am certainly NOT making excuses for him, it's certainly a God awful mess he has created and a world of hurt he has inflicted. Often I think, the punishment does NOT fit the crime! But on some level I think I can understand it, at least in my case. And I guess that's why I feel like I probably can forgive if we ever try to reconcile.

Don't know if that applies to you at all...my two cents ;-)


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
mdu #2455947 05/29/14 05:28 PM
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Maybell,

I think you have WAH thinking. Take a moment and think what you were doing/saying to elicit the increased contact from him. Perhaps you are feeling more detached and he can sense it?

Keep doing what works and don't let your resentment creep up on you. I often hear that this is the case when the balance of power begins to shift from WAH to LBS. It'll be your job to reign in those feelings for the time being and not rip him a new one.

Also, remember even though you feel anger right now (rightfully so), your feelings tomorrow may be of longing for WAH again.

Take things slow and don't react at this stage in the game.

Also, regarding the hurtful things he said early on... Believe none of what the say and only half of what they do.

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