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Looking for some advice... My wife wants me to move to our lake house to give her some space. We have had this conversation before and I said our son we never see me walk out the door. I do take him with me if I go there on the weekends. This has been on going since for over a year. I had said before, "If you need space then you should go." Becoming wore down after months of this.

I recently said I could if we could figure out a schedule with me having 50/50 custody. I will not leave unless we can agree on that or something very close. The longer I've stayed at home the more distance it seems to have created.

Sleeping in separate rooms, "haven't loved you in a long time", told MC she wants a D two months ago. It feels like she is just waiting for the right time.

Not sure if I should be pro-active or reactive.

I'm not sure what to do, but thinking about filing for legal separation. Should I just continue DBing from M home or let her really see what it would be like if she wants a D.

I know financially she would notice the change... should I continue to help her with that or let her see the outcome of her choice? If she decides to follow through.

Any advice from someone who's been there would be great.

Thank you all for your help!


Me: 55, W: 46
T: 17 M: 15
S: 10
3 S prev M
25 23 21
Unhappy 10/12
Asked to move out 1/14
NILWY 2/14
Sep rooms: 1/14
BD 3/14
W filed 5/14
Trial 12/14


Do the right thing - no reason needed
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Hi Cnfused,

What are some of the things your wife has complained about that led her to feel the way she feels about you?

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Cnfused,

Not really updated in your sitch. But from your last post, I could relate and went through DBing while living in the same roof. Took me 3 yrs to take action and lots of planning. It was tough DBing at home and when we finally separated, I felt the distance I needed and I'm sure my W does too.

Anyway, run it by your L. If you don't have one consult one. At a minimum, draft a separation agreement before you move out. There are templates online, which details schedule, bills etc. Once you come to an agreement have it notarized. Not sure how this would hold in D proceedings but at least there's paper trail. Make sure it's fair agreement, like you said 50/50. Have your L look at it.

In my sitch, I needed to do something different. And separation is my last resort but my W wouldn't move out and I won't either without any assurance I will get my kids half the time. She bought me out of the house, and I had her signed the separation agreement and I moved out. She was amicable and I got all I want which was a fair schedule including our assets and finances.

However, if you can not reach an agreement, IMO do not move out.

Good luck keep us posted. Hope this helps.

Newman


me40; W43
M18; T~20
D18; S13 & S3
bomb 5/9/11
EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM

Separated 4/1/14

"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.


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IMO, you should not trust the WAW to honor any type of verbal agreement set regarding children, property, or finances.

She will verbally agree to almost anything to just get you out of the home. Some WAW's see that as some kind of goal b/c once he's out.....she thinks she can prevent him returning. Then she thinks she holds all the cards.

I know one man who honestly thought he was giving his W space for the weekend. Once he was out, then she wasted no time moving OM in. Quite a shock for the H.

In your stitch, it may be a relief to get out from under the emotional drain, but I suggest you have everything in legal order before making any such decision. Sometimes a physical S helps, sometime not. You decide by what "you" want.....and "where" you want to stay. Don't necessarily base on it whether or not is will bust a D. And for sure, do not leave b/c she wants it. She can't force you out. Don't leave by thinking it is "helping" her. This woman says she hasn't loved you in a very long time. That is what you need to bear in mind.

There is a reason she wants you to be the one to move to the lake house. WAS's are the most self-centered people in the world. And, I doubt she is suffering from a guilty conscious at this point. She is not the person you once knew and loved. And the WAW never thinks like the LBH believes she will.

She has not changed her position in a year. It could continue like this indefinitely. I am of the opinion that the LBH should be more proactive in his life, instead of just waiting to see whatever she decides for them. This is YOUR life, too.

I also believe the WAW should experience her life without H there to support, assist, rescue, protect her, or feed her cake. Otherwise, she has a fantasy of how wonderful her single life could be without him.

If there is another person involved, the sooner they are hit with reality, the better.

I suggest you see where you stand legally and with custody of your child. Do not discuss anything with her. Set up an account for the child support, and protect your other accounts from her access. You probably need to take some action over credit cards, etc. but get lawyer's advice.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I'll echo Sandi's comments, and really, it sounds like you already know what to do, you are just worn down. Stick to your guns here...if moving out isn't best for you (even with a legal agreement), then don't do it. If she wants out, she should go.

Protect yourself....you finances, your children, and your heart.


M:44 W:42
M:15
S:19, D:16, S:14, D:12, S:6
BD: 2/14/11
D Final: 6/25/13
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Thank you for all the replies. I don't want to do anything until S school gets out for the summer. I've been doing this for about 19 months - don't need to rush into anything now.


Me: 55, W: 46
T: 17 M: 15
S: 10
3 S prev M
25 23 21
Unhappy 10/12
Asked to move out 1/14
NILWY 2/14
Sep rooms: 1/14
BD 3/14
W filed 5/14
Trial 12/14


Do the right thing - no reason needed
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How are you doing?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks for asking. This is a great group!

Today S and I went out to lunch and saw Heaven is Real at the theatre. Life at home is still the same - I spoke to a counselor today, she said it sounds like W is done and just waiting for the right time to file D and I should file for legal separation if I wanted to get joint custody. I know you have said time is a gift and that is so true, I'm so much stronger and have worked on things that I should/could have done better/different.

Wish W didn't have so much anger and resentment. But it will probably get worse when I file for legal separation even though that's what she says she wants - actually she just wants me to leave and give her space...
It hurts knowing the pain S will go through but this is not healthy either!

Not really sure how the legal separation will be laid out but the figures L was telling me - her months income/lifestyle is about to change. Should I keep supporting her as before?

Still have hope that we could build a new and better R but have no expectations. The M we had is dead and looking back has been for awhile.

This feels like my LRT. I appreciate your guidance along the way.


Me: 55, W: 46
T: 17 M: 15
S: 10
3 S prev M
25 23 21
Unhappy 10/12
Asked to move out 1/14
NILWY 2/14
Sep rooms: 1/14
BD 3/14
W filed 5/14
Trial 12/14


Do the right thing - no reason needed
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Just my opinion, but I would not support her other than what the law dictates. Not to be mean, but for her to see a truer picture of how life without you will be.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Cnfused Offline OP
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I don't think she has thought it through. L told me how much support I would pay and she will not be able to afford it on her own. I don't want to be wanted just for the money, but I guess I will have to figure that out...

Should I tell her I'm thinking about filing or just do it and tell her I'm giving her the space she wants, while protecting both of us?


Me: 55, W: 46
T: 17 M: 15
S: 10
3 S prev M
25 23 21
Unhappy 10/12
Asked to move out 1/14
NILWY 2/14
Sep rooms: 1/14
BD 3/14
W filed 5/14
Trial 12/14


Do the right thing - no reason needed
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