Barrybran - New Thread

[Ggrass]

She noticing what your doing tho, and asking, which doesn't seem like a bad thing.

I guess all you can do is wait and see.

[Barrybran]

Yeah. We've just had a discussion about my affairs again. First one since February. All of the previous discussions have coincided with times when she seemed kind of confused about what she wanted. If this time is the same it stands to reason that yes, she is noticing and asking herself questions. If that's true then I'm on the right path.

I have a heavy heart at the moment. I've put her through a hell of a lot. It's been one year since the last of the affairs ended. I've been faithful since this time though I've only understood the extent of her feelings for six months. I wish I could make things better. I know all too well by now that I have to keep being me and let her walk her journey.

It's tough finding the line between taking the arse kicking you deserve and standing up for your current self. I understand very well why I got into the position that led me to my affairs. I know I am a different person now though. One thing I feel strongly about is that I am not going to let my past self define my future self. My wife told me she believes I am seeing someone else or am on the lookout for someone else and I again told her that I am not dating or interested in dating anyone else. I took it a step further this time to say that while we are living our own lives, I see myself as a married man committed to my wife and children, that I am going to live my life this way and that I have no expectations that she will join me on my journey. I spoke these words from my core once again.

I feel kind of bruised at the moment. Of course, I've brought it on myself. It's something I know I need to shake off so I can get back on the PMA wagon and soldier on forward like I have been. I do feel that she could walk out and I'd be fine. I also feel that we have a future together. And as much as I hate this, I know I have to remain patient. I read in the paraphernalia that it can take 2-3 years to restore trust after infidelity and whilst I've been faithful for a year, it's really only been 6 months of understanding my wife's feelings and it could be argued that it's been even less time developing trustworthy habits.

[Barrybran]

My wife sent a letter to the woman I had my affair with tonight:

We do not know each other. You may know of me, from conversations you have had with Barrybran. But until this all went down, I did not know you existed. I have now heard the entire story of what happened with you and Barrybran, and I was not only beyond hurt, but disappointed because I believed there was a moral code between all women, one that we were born with. As much as we may try to silence it, make excuses to ignore it, or take substances to numb it – it’s still there. My relationship has now come to an end. My family hurts. His family hurts. There have been so many tears and pain from not only us, but the people in our lives that love us. I want you to know, that your actions have had ripple effects, and has caused a lot of pain to good people.

I’m not blaming you – what happened would have occurred one day sooner or later in some form or another. But you do have a responsibility as a dignified human being. I am writing this to you because I hope, that in the future, if the moment presents itself where there is a taken man, no matter how happy or unhappy he is, how sober or intoxicated he is, you remember the power you have to be a part of destroying someones life, or not.

I don’t know you are a good person, but I assume you never had intentions of causing harm. But your decisions define you. I hope, for the sake of other women and their families, that you make a better one next time.

She went on to tell me:

I copied majority of the above because it sums up what I wanted to say to you without anger. I could have done this a lot sooner, but I am doing this now as a peace to myself.

I asked her how she felt now that she'd sent it and she said it was better than wondering if she should send it or not. I validated this and the conversation wound up.

[Barrybran]

My wife wasn't quite finished. She messaged a while later and wound up doing so for more than an hour. It's the second night in a row she has done this. The content was about my infidelity and tonight was specifically how it had affected her. I validated where appropriate, responded where appropriate and many times the conversation could have ended and my wife chose to continue it.

She sent me an article describing the impact my actions would have on the kids. I told her that I had read something similar and that it had scared me. She responded that I didn't tell her I'd read something like that. In my head I was saying "well, you weren't exactly ready to listen to me". I just responded that I hadn't told her and she got a bit snippy because she was sending me things I had read. I thanked her for sending it as it made me think.

The content of the conversation was far from positive. The words have a 'trying to move on' feel to them. It's the action of communicating when she has previously chosen not to that I look at. The way I see things now, she can stay and work on things (well down the line) or she can leave and she has to figure things out on her own. I've started moving forward myself and I hope she chooses to join me.

Speaking of moving forward, my university application was approved today. Looks like I'll be spending even more time reading.

[MamaB]

I have been thinking about sending a same type of letter to the woman my H had an affair with. I want to say the same types of things.

Maybe this will help get closure on the affair, I hope so.

[Barrybran]

I don't know to be honest. I hope my wife feels better for it and I hope you feel better for it if you choose to do so.

[Lostforwords]

Moving on isn't a bad thing B....It actually has to happen. It doesn't mean you move on to separating, but moving on from the emotional pain you both have encountered.

You have to move on from the person who would have an affair and find your inner strength to be a better man. Act from your core instead of from reactions to the outside world.

You wife needs to move on from the pain you have caused her.

You know B....The next time you two have an emotional charged conversation like this, I suggest giving your wife an option. Have the conversation by text....or try to have it face to face. While texting does seem to work very good for you two, one thing is missing. She cannot see your body language....so everything you say is just words. Now if you can mix yours words of sorrow over what you did with the same thing in body language...Maybe she will start believing that you are sorry. That you aren't out hunting for a new girl.....and that you love her....and that the new B isn't going to walk again.

Remember the book I had you read...Each time she mentions looking for another woman, she is testing you...testing your resolve...testing your word....Be the man you want to be...be the better man.

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW. I must admit, as well as I think I've handled myself up until last night, I missed having that second opinion. Last night aside, I think I've pretty much nailed everything. Last night however...

The conversation last night didn't go so well I feel. I stated several times that I want her as my wife as a 'matter of fact' thing rather than a pursuing/dependency thing. It's been a while since we've had such a conversation so I was well out of practice and it showed. When she told me she wanted to move on she said she wanted to know what happened (the affair) so she didn't make the same mistakes with "someone else". I told her I was not going to help her learn how to date someone else and that I want to date her myself. That sent the conversation down a negative path. She felt I was withholding information and controlling the situation accordingly. I didn't see it like that until she mentioned it. I feel that my side of the story is vital to reconciliation and I've been so focused on answering her questions and DBing that I've swept aside my concerns until she showed interest in reconciling, if ever. So now I've put myself in a catch-22 because if I share with her my side, I don't feel she's currently in a state to use it productively towards mending our relationship and possibly move onto that "someone else" and if I don't tell her my side, I'll be seen as manipulative and controlling.

I understand the part about moving on from the pain. I feel where I slipped up is that I'm still holding on to the notion that she isn't going anywhere yet she's emotionally distancing herself. She's removed information from Facebook and changed her name publicly yet things had been improving up until a couple of nights ago. I do feel she is testing me and when I first told her I was choosing to remain married to her and would live my life with her and the kids accordingly without expectation that she would do the same, that I was speaking from my core and basically said "this is what I'm doing". Last night, I feel it was a test, one I failed miserably, and I should have STFU.

The limbo definitely got to me last night because things have been improving and yet she doesn't appear to be going anywhere. I'm not moving and I'm happy with that decision. If she comes to me to tell me she intends to date other people I feel it will become a point of tension as I wouldn't feel comfortable having her in my home and yet she's asked me to move out previously. Deep down, I feel she's trying to find her way home subconsciously while consciously keeping as far away from me as possible. I don't think she would handle having the kids half the time and I feel that she will try to resolve things if I can keep on my path.

Something interesting came up today. My two year old wet herself at daycare several times today. It's becoming a habit and one of the symptoms, my wife said after a Google search, was tension in the home. I kept my mouth shut. In my mind I felt like screaming at her to pull her head in. I have my own work to do so I don't get off lightly at all. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that someone is prepared to divide a family and adversely affect their kids' lives rather than working together to enrich them. I do understand that she doesn't believe I will change and this drives that feeling within her.

On the bright side, I have a better grip of what I need to do. I'm doing my own thing more, I've applied and enrolled in a university course, I'm leaving her alone while being available to her when she needs it. I do need to do some work on the availability however I've always been someone who has been available to people when they need or want me regardless of my relationship to them.

I have a weekend off this weekend so I've got some time without my wife around to do some more thinking and doing.

[Lostforwords]

B,

Have the talk with her.....but there is more to that. You have to take 100% ownership of how you felt and what you did. No statement can be that she did this or did not do that. You felt this...own it.

Think about that before you talk to her....You have to man up and take 100% responsibility for what you did...what you felt...all of it.

[Barrybran]

I wound up writing her a letter. I had time by myself to think and write. I wrote down everything that mattered to me dating back to when we got back together in 2011. I wrote down what happened, how I felt about things and how I got into the affair. I wrote down everything I felt about our relationship, about time together, intimacy, kids, priorities. I followed it up by saying that I had learned that my expectations were unreasonable and that I had been dependent on her and that I was responsible for my own life. I told her that my feelings were real and important despite the reasons for having them and that her feelings were real and important too, even if I disagreed with shut she felt that way.

I told her she showed cottage by standing up for herself and leaving. I reiterated that I have chosen to remain married to her and to live at home and that I would love my life according to these values. I apologised again and asked for her forgiveness and trust, not now but some day, and told her I knew that I had to earn it and that it would be hard work for the both of us if she chose to do so.

I feel good about what I said. I stuck to the facts, told her where i felt I was wrong and asked for our family to be reunited, acknowledging that I have work to do. Now I'll leave her with it and get back on the DB train.