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MamaB #2451771 05/11/14 03:00 PM
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Happy Mother's Day to you!

I think you seem to be accepting the affair discovery and his dissembling beautifully.

Try not to worry so much about what he's thinking about you or anything. Figure out the oath that's best for you and the kids and move in that direction.

Slowing things down may be in everyone's best interests. In my experience it's always been helpful to not react from emotion.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
MamaB #2453229 05/17/14 01:01 PM
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It has been such a weird time since I told H I knew about his affair. He and i have been in contact more now since before BD. I have expressed my hurt and anger to him for myself and for the kids. H has said how sorry he is and that he is remorseful. He uses the tearm self lothing quite often.

The good is that my H seems like my old H again. The bad is that I have lost some detachment and I spend so much time thinking about everything. I'm having a hard time trusting anything H says to me. The affair ended the same month he filed for D, that confuses me so much. They spent over a year getting to this point and when they do, they break up. They still work in same office, H says he communicates with her about 30 seconds a week. That is 30 seconds too long for me.

H is in town for the first time in 3 weeks and the first time since I found out. He has my little girls and I'm going to spend most of my day with them at D10 soccer tournament. I'm not going to miss it just because he is here, but it may be too much. I don't really know what he wants from me, and the hardest part is I have no idea anymore what I want. After this weekend, he will be gone again for at least three weeks, I intend to work on detaching again, and GAL.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2453390 05/18/14 02:31 PM
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Yesterday was d10 soccer tournament, I was supposed to meet H and little D's up North to the games. When I got ready to go, my car would not start because the battery died. H dropped D10 and drove back down to get me.

We spent the day watching soccer we took the girls out to lunch. It was a lot like old times and the first we were together since affair discovery and our D's knowing about divorce. It was hard too, H is so much like old H of over a year ago. In my head I keep thinking about what he did, I look at his ringless hand and think about it touching another woman for over a year. I wonder if he is so happy because maybe he found a new woman. When I saw him texting, I wondered who he was texting. I said nothing, but in my head I was a little crazy.

He dropped me off and changed my battery (I miss that help!) and took the little D's to another city for the night. He got teary when he left because D17 will not see him and she was gettingready for prom. He asked if I would send a picture, which I did. Also he noticed that I packed all his clothes up (or rather, my mother did!) and I think that hit home for him. I don't really know what he expected, he has been planning this for a long time.

I'm trying to be open to him, but I'm not sure if that i the right thing or not. At the very least it can help with parenting. I do feel a little resentful that he sees them one weekend a month, and it is play time, while I do the main parenting by myself. But I do try to remind myself how lucky I am to have them so much

Sorry for the long post, it has been a confusing weekend.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2453391 05/18/14 02:53 PM
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((MamaB))

It is confusing- and frustrating.

FWIW- my H planned his exit for a year, and 12 hrs after he verbalized it, panicked and had second thoughts. The reality can hit them hard. I'm willing to bet your H is grappling with guilt, too. Your D17s reaction to him is just the first taste of the consequences he will have as time goes on.

Hang in there- i would bet he's struggling right now, too.


Me: 39
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H left 12/2013
M:4 T:5.5
artsy #2453394 05/18/14 03:06 PM
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Thank you Artsy. You are exactly correct, he is struggling for sure. It is hard when we talk on the phone and he says he is sorry for hurting the girls. I don't want him to hurt, but that other part of me thinks "yes, they ard hurt by this! What did you think woukd happen?"


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
artsy #2453406 05/18/14 04:27 PM
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Double post!

Last edited by MamaB; 05/18/14 04:28 PM.

M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2453656 05/19/14 10:38 PM
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Yesterday H took little D's tp D10's soccer lunch. I met them there and we all had fun with other team parents. We just had tryouts for their first year in select soccer and most of the girls will be on the same team next year. Lots of talk about what to expect from this next step.

H and were comfortable, and again, H was like old H of over a year ago. After the lunch H and I sat on the patio. We talked about the kids and H said he wants us to go to MC. I told him how hurt I have been and asked some questions about affair. The ow is married and H said he really did believe that I would move to Denver and we would each have op and we woud all be happier. He said it was like looking at life through different eyes and just recently he is able to see clearly and is still trying to figure it out himself. He did say that he felt entitled as well as neglected by me. I did own up to the issues that I felt I contributed (lack of affection, attention, etc...) I told him I was sorry for my part in m and that I will not make those mistakes in next R.

He has told me repeatedly how sorry he is for everything and to let him kniw about mc. It would be pretty hard as he now lives in Denver. He says he would try to get down every other weekend. Healso said about looking at something in a city about an hour away from where i live. So who knows.

I feel that I'm starting to forgive him, but I just don't know if I can get past everything. My D17 still won't talk to him and is not too happy that I am. That is hard, she was more comfortable when I was NC. I was too in some ways. Nowthat the a is over, I don't want to be the consolation prize. This does showme that the fog is real, at least that is how he is discribing it all.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2455003 05/25/14 08:32 PM
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I'm still plugging along. I still feel very confused about D and future with my H. I did. Not think I would see him for weeks, but he was able to come back fir the weekend. I had dinner with him and my two younger D's on Saturday night. My D17 is still not talking to him. Dinner was ok, like many we used to have as a family. H took two girls to another town for the rest of the weekend, they will be home tomorrow.

I'm still trying to work through if thd A is a deal breaker for me. I don't want to have to go through this whole thing again. Also, he does want to stall th D and try MC. It would be hard with us living in different cities, but he says he will try to come every other week. I have agreed the C but not to stall D yet.

I'm also struggling with the fact D17 is disappointed with me for talking to her Dad. She is so mad and hurt, I am too, but forgiving him is easier. My family is also not a big fan of his right nos and would think I'm crazy to try. Most of ou friends still don't know so that is easier, except I'm not living my reality witb them and that is hard too.

GAL today included working out and painting a bookshelf with chalk paint, I'm on my break to let first coat dry. I hope it turns out! I'm going to girlsnight out Thursday.

I do have a meeting with investigative paralegal Tuesday for spending accout exhibit. I'm scared this will piss me off and I may find out more than I want too know. It has been such a rollercoaster these last four months and I feel numb.


M45 H46
M16 yrs
D17, D10, D7
DB 1-23-2014
H filed D 2-14-2014
MamaB #2455005 05/25/14 08:45 PM
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I'm sorry about your daughter struggling so much. I am very grateful that my kids don't know about their father being so dishonorable. In some ways it is easier for them at this stage, because they see his apartment as more of an adventure than a desertion. I'm wondering how long it will feel that way.

As far as deciding if the A is a deal-breaker, I would suggest giving it some time. My H gave me a lot of apologies, etc., too, but in the end he can't seem to turn his back on her. So don't feel like you have to make a decision how you feel now. You may not yet have all the facts. Marriage counseling might help with that, if you can see that he is using it to make an honest effort.

Hugs to you...


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
MamaB #2455160 05/26/14 04:26 PM
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Mama,

Interested to hear how your DIY project worked out. My D20 and I are scheduled to take a class in chalk paint in June, and I can't wait. I grew up on furniture refinishing (my mom, BFF and her mom were the ones who did it), so am anxious to get started. I have a few pieces I'm going to try first and then work up to my kitchen cabinets. What color(s) did you use?

My first question to you: Do you believe that he's being sincere? From what you've written, you do. But you're gauging your next step on how the people around you feel. To me, THAT'S the deal breaker.

That being said, I can't answer this for you. However, if this was the only time in your R with him that you've had to overlook an affair, I might be inclined to ask you: What have you got to lose by doing the work now?

I have a dear friend here in Denver who was in your shoes 40 years ago. Her kids were angry with her for even contemplating reconciling. She stayed in therapy and so did her H. If your H is here, why not do a parallel course in IC and ask him to do the same? Ask him to delve deeply into the issues that got him to leave in the first place. And when the time is right (if you get to that point), you can ask him to court you.

Drop the rope and see how it plays out.

Now about the kids. My friend told her teenagers this:
"Your dad and I took vows that ended with 'til death do us part. I take that commitment seriously. I don't know if this is possible, but I owe him and myself the commitment to try. If it doesn't work, we'll divorce. But if he does, then I'm getting back the person that I married more whole. He's your dad, and your R with him is yours. I won't interfere with your decisions, so therefore, I ask you to support me with mine."

Her kids are my age, and they came around. But their dad had a lot of work to do to regain the respect he lost by his actions (my friend actually kicked him out). He "dated" her for a year, and when she could see his actions as sincere and reliable and trustworthy over that time, they set a plan for him to move back in. I'm happy to say that I attended their 50th anniversary party some years ago. I've never known them as anything other than happy.

Your kids are hurt. And your D17 is old enough to know what caused the mess. Basically, in his storm, she was taken out as collateral damage.

Also, please get "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Even if you don't reconcile your M, maybe it will help YOU heal so you can parent effectively.

So I'd summarize by advising you to look into your heart and then let things play out with no expectations. Drop the rope, let him lead and see what actions he takes to determine how committed he is to this process.

I really wish you well on this.

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

Albert Einstein
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