I'm a 50 year old husband who has been married for almost 11 years. We have a 9 year old son. Our marriage has mostly been sex starved (W not interested). In February, I caught my W having an Emotional Affair with a work colleague.
She confessed to the A and told me it had been going on since December. I was emotionally crushed. Immediately, she told me she did NOT want a divorce. She agreed to break off the A and we both agree to try to reconcile. I sent a text to the OM and warned that if he continued to pursue my wife, the first person I would tell would be his wife. He agreed to stay away.
Within a few weeks, it became obvious that they were still seeing each other. I confronted my wife. She lied at first. She got angry. Then, when I told her the facts, she admitted that the A was ongoing.
We talked divorce. I told my wife I was going to inform the OM's W about the A. She said she would NEVER forgive me if I told his wife. I sent texts back and forth with the OM and further warnings. I told him I would hold back telling his W and showing proof but only if he stopped the A with my W. He agreed.
This past week, I went on a short trip out of town Fri & Sat with my son. I knew based on past patterns that the A often happened on Fri nights. So, I had a friend follow my W on Fri. My W went out to dinner with the OM on Fri night while I was out of town. I have not told my W I know, yet. I have a plan.
I plan to drive out to the OM house on Mon, while he's at work, tell his W all about the A and show her proof. I'm not doing this out of anger. I've let go of most of the anger at this point. I'm going to tell his W so that we can both work to stop this A. Obviously, my W and her H are addicted to this EA. I understand they have a strong connection. The way I look at it, my M cannot survive if the A continues. I think my best chance for ending the A is to put pressure on the OM via his W. I know this will anger my wife and possibly push her away from me but I'm ready to roll the dice.
I was so weepy and sad 3 months ago when I first found out. Now, I'm strong and stoic. If it comes to D, I'm ready. I don't want to throw my M away at this point but I'm not afraid if that is ultimately the end result.
My wife and I have a lot of love for each other. We are very affectionate. But, her repeatedly breaking my trust is a huge problem. I realize now that my W has continued the A while I've been the one trying to make it up to her. What a fool I've been. If she wants to stay M and avoid D, she needs to make amends.
I ordered Divorce Busting this week, so I'm brand new to the info and methods. In reading through some stuff on this forum, I think I've made some mistakes in my approach. But, I'm ready to change my direction. I'm very optimistic about my future even if my fate is D. Hopefully, I'm in a perfect place to start using the Weiner-Davis approach.
This is a great place to start. I am glad that the books have been helpful, but, I urge you to speak to a divorce busting coach before you put your plan into action. As you said, you realize now that you have made mistakes. I would be happy to discuss our coaching program. I strongly urge you to call us before you do anything to jeopardize the future of your marriage. 303-444-7004
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
This morning, I asked my W if she was still seeing the OM. "No," she lied. Then, I asked my W if she had met the OM for dinner Fri night. "No," she lied again. Next, I admitted that I had her followed last Fri night by a friend and that I knew she had a romantic dinner with the OM. Oddly, I didn't feel much emotion regarding her lies, the affair or anything today. I seem to have become somewhat emotionally detached.
My wife texted me today and I made a few attempts at putting boundaries into words. Here is the first one...
'When u sneak around with the OM, I feel betrayed and disrespected. I want to work to improve myself and our marriage but if this behavior continues, I'll have to consider all my options including ending our relationship.'
Her reply, "I wish I felt more connected to you and felt that it was easy to communicate with you. I do not love the OM and feel like I don't need to see him like I did before...becoming less and less dependent on his company."
This seems pretty good at face value but the reality is that we are now on our 3rd attempt to reconcile and nothing has truly changed in the affair or her behavior. It's all just been empty promises by her and status quo behavior. The trust is gone and she's shown me nothing I can rebuild upon.
At the moment, I'm not feeling like I want to save my marriage. I see my wife as incredibly selfish and hedonistic. I hope for the sake of my family that I can change my mind soon but I think my wife will have to show me some attempt at change very soon or she's going to lose me.
I'm conflicted about my plan to tell the OM's wife. She seems like a nice lady. How can I break her heart with the reality of her H's affair? Also, my W is just going to be angry and it will push her farther away.
^^^ it's not your place to tell OMs wife. It's his, or she needs to figure it out on her own, IMO. You two can't "force" therm to stop seeing each other. They have to end it on their own. I know that's not what you want to hear. Leave her be. Work on your own R.
If you tell his wife, you're doing it to punish him and your W. That's not your job.
Hang in there! Keep posting, there's some great advice on these boards.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
At first, I did want to tell the OM W to punish, get revenge or out of vengeance. I almost did it when I found her work number online but it turned out she no longer worked there. I have told both my W and the OM that I will tell the OM's W if they don't stop the A. But, those threats did not work. In any case, I no longer want revenge or vengeance. I have moved past those toxic emotions. I would only consider telling the OM's W because she could potentially help apply leverage to her H to stop the A. I'm pretty certain telling his W would stop the A dead in it's tracks. Yet, I agree that forcing things is not the best course of action. I think the A is already fizzling out naturally.
Unfortunately, in the two months since I've discovered the A , I've gone into self protect mode. I'm closer than I've ever been to accepting that my M may not recover. Why? Because I reached forgiveness and trust-rebuilding early and the result was that NOTHING changed on my W's part. The A continued exactly the same. Both my W and the OM have been brazen with their continued dating.
I've communicated all of this info to my W so that she is aware the stakes are now VERY high. While I am certainly trying to fight for my M, my emotions have changed. I fear that if my W does not start to make some kind of effort to truly reconcile and make amends very soon, I may give up on the M. This is a real danger since my W is not the most giving person and is incredibly self centered. I can't help but think I deserve better.
I would just urge you to take a breath for a moment- D is a huge deal. I think most of us on here have to deal with infidelity. It's horrible! We know, but maybe take a look in some of the other forums, talk to a DB coach, go to IC, something to help you process it all before you go down a path too hastily.
You don't want to have a huge regret when this is all said and done. We all have been where you are- it gets better with time.
I guess I'm just urging you to give it some time before you act on anything.
Hang in there!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
As far as telling the OM's W, my thought is that if the shoe was on the other foot would you want someone to tell you? To me it's not about revenge as much as it is about doing the right thing as a human being. Just my personal opinion and it probably isn't a popular one, but it led me to sending my W's friends (who considered me family) an email expressing my disappointment in them that they didn't tell me. Some people prefer not to get involved.
It is interesting how people some people are against telling the OM's W about the A while others are for it. I read an interesting perspective by a PHD on another site explaining that an A needs secrecy to thrive. He recommends immediate exposure of the A to everyone, especially the OM's W, because it typically stops the A dead in it's tracks. True reconcilliation cannot begin until the A ends.
Sure enough, I did not follow this advice and my strategy allowed the A to continue. I think I'm going to expose the A to the OM's W next week. After all, I gave both my W and the OM multiple chances to do the right thing and it blew up in my face. I'm just trying to end the A (or at least make it harder for the OM to meet my W). I'm not doing this out of spite or revenge. I've thought a lot about it and I think it makes sense in my case. The A is a threat to my M and I can't truly start to heal until the A ends.
Jrock- it's ultimately your choice, we are just chiming in for opinions.
You need to control the healing process, not wait for something you have no control over to happen. What if it doesn't end? What if she just finds another one because the underlying issues with you, her and your M were not addressed?
Regardless of whether you tell OMs W or not, you should focus on you, not controlling the outcome. What got you to this point? She was unhappy about something. Were you really happy, looking back?
I would suggest you ask Sandi2 for advice. She was a WAW who had an A. She can give you the Ws perspective.
At the very least, look up her threads to see what she says. It is possible for you to come out on the other side of this a better person with a healthier M, but it is also possible for you to get stuck and be unhappy because people didn't react the way you thought they should.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
