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gogofo #2451283 05/08/14 07:57 PM
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GoFo,

Slowweeeee! You're doing a really good job here, buddy. laugh

It is as if you and W are re-discovering each other which is really cool.

Yep....work, friends, family, & fun is a delicate dance we all do in our lives. When we all get married, sometimes our friends fall by the wayside. Not good. DBing has taught all of us to recapture our 'real' selves and not get too lost in the M.

Wonka #2451288 05/08/14 08:43 PM
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Wonka,

Thanks for the words of support. Didn't think we would be at this spot quite yet. Back in February I personally prepared myself to not have much of any contact until late July (when she returns with the kids from Spain).

I need to reread the piecing parts of DB, but it is nice to see that the W is putting work into us already. I fully expected me to have to "prove" myself to her through being the only doing work for the first month or more, almost as a test. I would have been good with this but she has already planned us a date for tomorrow. Very nice to see her trying also.

I am not going to lie, it has been really exciting and fun this last two weeks. We fell into roll playing as being single with kids and dating someone new. We did this naturally, but it is fun to say thing like "her children are really rude and mine are nothing but angels." She will say things like "I don't think I could date, let alone marry, someone with kids who take forever to put to bed." Things like this are light hearted flirting that we needed while M.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2451979 05/12/14 04:21 PM
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The fact that she texted you a "Thank you" that was not in response to a text that you sent is very good news.

Too many around here "go fishing" for a text like that.

I got my fingers crossed for you smile


ME 38 W 37
T18 M5
D3
BD 1/7/13
PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing
2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13
W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13
First mediation appt 12/19/13


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The weekend went well with the W and me.

Friday she picked me up at 5:15 and we went to a movie, had some dinner and ran around town a little and she dropped my back off at my place. It was once again a very nice date.

Saturday I she was driving the baby sitter home, who lives near her parents, and she picked my up to go with her and the kids. It was her father’s birthday and I had a present for him and her mom for mother’s day. I told her on Friday I was going and we could go together if she wanted, or I could go alone. We had a nice visit and lunch with her parents and headed back into town with the kids. They were all tired so I dropped them off at wife’s house and ran some errands for the W and I while they slept. Wife had a retirement party to attend so I got her pot luck dish ready for her while she napped. The kids and I stayed at her place while she was at the party. She came back and we enjoyed a drink and talked a while. I stayed the night at her place.

Kids woke us up at 5:30 and were horrible. W laid on the couch with the youngest so I gave her a foot massage and she fell back asleep. I snuck out with kids and went to my house to get all of us ready for breakfast with her family. This allowed her to get ready in peace. Had breakfast with her family, which was very nice, and then took off to deliver more Mother’s Day cards and gifts.

I dropped off cards to my grandparents alone and later that day we went together to give a gift to my mom. She had previously bought a miniature rose for my mother, but since it snowed for about 20 hours straight it had died. We went and bought another plant for her before heading over. We had a nice visit with my parents and it was the first time she had been in their house all year, and only the second time seeing them. The first was at our oldest son’s graduation.

Went back to her place where I cooked her dinner. We played with kids a little. Gave her a foot massage again, then a back massage and fell asleep while talking. It was a really pleasant couple of days.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2452042 05/12/14 09:54 PM
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Some of the things we talked about were how she is now actively trying on our relationship. She said she felt like she had spent the last 4 months building a wall brick by brick to separate herself from our relationship and now she is participating in tearing it down again. I validated her feelings and said I don’t care if she helps tear it down right now, as long as she isn’t rebuilding it while I am trying. She said no, she needs to tear it down too. We need to BOTH be trying for us. She emphasized the word both because in the past I wasn’t giving 50% and also that she was going to give 50%, not just let me try alone.

She was apprehensive and almost cancelled our date on Friday a couple of times. She felt nervous still and she is working back on us being together instead of moving on. I validated and understood her feelings. I also thanked her for being brave and working on us while feeling this way.

When I extended the invite for her to attend dropping of the gifts on Sunday she talked about how she felt about doing it. She wanted to see my family and misses them but does not want to give them false hope. She did not want them to think we are 100% by seeing us together. I said she did not have to attend. We came to the conclusion that she would not go with my to the grandparent’s houses. She said she felt the same way about us doing breakfast with her family, but wanted me there for it also.

She also talked about still not feeling completely trusting in me and my actions because in the past I had reverted back when making minor changes. I agreed with her on this and said I need her help and encouragement. She needed to let me know that things that she enjoys and that are working. She also needs to let me know if I am reverting back to my old ways as I also do not want to be that person. She emphatically said that I do not have to worry about her not saying anything, she would let me know.

I asked her to describe how she felt and why. She said she felt suffocated right after we had kids. It was like our lives stopped and she had no opinion in anything and we could not do anything, etc. It was like our lives ended when the kid’s lives began.

It was also the second time that I mentioned I wanted to speak her love language. She laughed and said it was just a funny phrase to use. I explained the concept to her and this morning she took the quiz and sent me the results and I did the same.

We have been having fun and also mixing in some real talks about what our relationship was. When I asked her what I could do to show her trust, etc. she said it was just going to take time, said she would not consider us moving in until August at the earliest. She wants to be sure she wants us and likes what us means again. I let her know I understood and agreed to her timeline, and I had nothing but time and energy and desire to put into us.

Things seem to be going well. I am going to hold my path of action for now. There seems to be cheese down these tunnels so far. Trying to keep the pressure light on her and when I mentioned this too her she said she didn’t feel pressured or forced and would not do anything that she did not feel comfortable with.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2452047 05/12/14 10:06 PM
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GoFo,

That's the Brie cheese, my friend! Enjoy.

pat on back, pat on back, and SLAP on back


You're doing an awesome job right there, buddy!! laugh It looks like you guys are on the right track communication-wise which is the MOST important part in re-connecting and re-building the M. I find it very interesting that your W described putting up the wall between the two of you. Yep, that's the Berlin Wall I talk about here all the time to newbies here in order to get them to understand that it is a self-protection mechanism that the WAS employ to create a distance between the partners.

Wonka #2452057 05/12/14 10:53 PM
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I empathize with your W.

There's a lot of talk of her and what she's doing, what about you. How are you trying?

While I agree that communication is important knowing what I'm feeling and why and how to navigate that has been the biggest challenge, learning to take a moment or 24 hrs, when emotions are high and be able to respond, not react.

That being said, it seems that you're still on the right track.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2452064 05/12/14 11:27 PM
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I am trying by 180ing my old self. I am taking lessons ans skills learned from the DR, the forum, and other sources and applying them to myself.
I am becoming a better listener.
I am more supportive of her and what she wants, not letting my job and life and opinions dictate everything.
I am planning things for her and I and also the family.
I am happier, and work on my "Happiness Advantage" techniques daily.
I am paying attention to my W and studying her again.

I am trying to openly communicate my feelings and emotions to her which I did Sunday evening. That morning was rough because of our youngest and I described to her how the situation made me feel. It was similar to past situations that created issues for us. I told her how I felt guilty and helpless and as if there was no correct action for me during the situation. She listened and understood and did not know some of the emotions behind my actions. She then opened up and shared back.

I thanked her for talking with me because I know how difficult it was for me to be vulnerable in front of her and express fears and inadequacies to her.

I am trying to lead by example and do things in our relationship that I think will improve it, like initiating the emotional sharing above. I would have been to embarrassed to do this previously in our relationship so I decided to do it last night.

I am just trying to improve myself and let it flow back into the relationship.

She has even commented a couple of times "who are you?" in a complimentary fashion. I am not the person she made me out to be and walled off during our relationship.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
gogofo #2452204 05/13/14 02:12 PM
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You're getting there go, you're getting there.

Being vulnerable is difficult, thus your W's protective wall. But I hope you find that one you put your toe in the water a few times it gets easier. It has for me.

2 lines that have helped me through a lot: Let go and Don't take everything personally.

What does "(kids)...were horrible" mean? Were they really horrible or were their behaviors not what you wanted?

Did you and W agree in the past on parenting issues?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2452222 05/13/14 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug
What does "(kids)...were horrible" mean? Were they really horrible or were their behaviors not what you wanted?

Our youngest has what I would describe as panic attacks or something similar. At times he gets so upset and wound up he is completely inconsolable by anyone except me wife. It starts with him being tired and getting upset because things are not exactly the way he wants them. He is very particular about things, not OCD like, but he knows what he wants and does not want.

He will start by crying which turns into very hard sobbing where his breathing patterns are not normal. He will stiffen his body and kick and scream and spit. If I try to console him he will scream and spit and retreat into a corner all the while screaming NO! If I try and pick him up to hug him he escalates. I try to redirect him with a glass of water or to relax in his room or a lovey, anything, most of the time he does not accept any redirection from me.

He will even escalate his behavior to where at times he has cried so hard he has passed out. This hasn't happened in about a year, but was quite concerning.

The morning incident he was upset and wanted my wife but he didn't know what he wanted her to do, but knew when she wasn't doing it... which was everything. He was screaming at her, not words just screaming, and it was 5:30 in the morning. He started to have a fit and was extremely upset that she would not sit next to him and watch him eat breakfast. I offered to help him and sit with him, but he only got more upset.

Last night he had a bigger fit and was stiff bodied and screaming and kicking. This lasted about 10 to 15 minutes. He did not want anything to do with me, but I tried all sorts of things to try and take the burden off my wife. She is the only thing that can fix his mood at these times.

It is upsetting to me because he treat her like absolute sh!t. I have told her that if a random person treated her even half as bad and our youngest does there would be consequences. I am a supper calm person and he knows how to push my one button that escalates my anxiety.

Here is the kicker, he does not act like this all the time but only does it when the wife is around. He treats her like she is his property and she is the cause of and cure for all of his issues. He has my desire for things to be "right" or "correct" and her emotional range and can flip from extreme love and happiness to extreme anger and back again. So when he is upset it seems like there is only one thing that can help but cannot put his finger on it (my personality) so he is going to be screaming and crying and mad at any suggestion we make (her personality). He has the best and the worst of our personalities brought to the extreme during these situations.

During the last 4 months when he has been only with me I never see this behavior from him. She says she gets some sort of it daily, especially at bed time. Bed time for her is about a 30 to 45 minute process. For me I can get them both to sleep in 10 minutes without any complaining.

Truthfully I had assumed he had outgrown this behavior because I had not witnessed it. I was wrong and the previous feelings came back to me.

Originally Posted By: labug
Did you and W agree in the past on parenting issues?

We did agree there were parenting issues in the past. I felt frustrated that our youngest wants nothing to do with me or my consoling actions when W is around. I would get frustrated and angry and at times spank him out of frustration. There were times when I would be working 12 to 14 hours a day, go to bed and have to deal with a two hour tantrum. I would be extremely tired and full of anxiety and spank to try and get some relief. We are not really "spanking" parents and my W would be exhausted and see my frustrated (which she said was unsettling as I am never like that) and she would feel she needed to protect him from me.

What we were doing was not working and I would get frustrated so I would not do anything with him during tantrums because I felt like I made things worse. So when they would occur I would let my W handle it. She felt like I just gave up and did not care anymore.

We talked about our feelings towards this situation and how our actions led the other person to get the wrong impression. I asked her what I could do that would show her that I cared etc. We came up with some ideas, but it is basically to keep trying and be up or actively participating when these tantrums occur, even if I am not "helping" him my participation will help her.


M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15
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