I may sound arrogant when I say this, but trust me, you can find out just about anything you want. Waywards cannot keep their mouths shut. You will probably be surprised what you can locate without as much effort as you think.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I agree with Starsky, you just need to pay attention to habits, as I've noticed the same thing. The information is there. My W still leaves her phone around when she is with the kids, and I have the ability still to get on it. Just have chosen actively not to at this time.
Besides being busted, which in a lot of ways helped my stitch, I've got some new fun toys, a voice activated recorder, GPS locator, and an iphone spy stick. For those quiet nights at home.
For me, information can be a powerful guide for decision making. Why not give yourself as much as possible, provided you can handle it?
Sweet responses!! And exactly in line with what I was thinking.
I snooped to find just how deep H had gotten in his A. I snooped until 3 days after I kicked him out. That's when I found the hotel bill for that night and delivered a card and flowers to the front desk for H and OW. That night? I texted H everything I had at the time and vowed to myself I was finished snooping.
When H came back, I snooped for about 2 weeks (verifying NC). He literally left his phone beside me at night. (As recently as this morning, H texted to ask if I had a rough night - his code words for me looking through the "text archives" on his phone - because I went to bed later than usual. Fact is, I haven't snooped in at least a month.)
All that being said, I wholeheartedly agree with the "intel" angle. But I had a personality that could handle it ... to a point. Once I had enough information to expose the A to OH, and once my H was moved out, continued snooping was just hurting ME. Honestly, I could tell when I was snooping for needed information and when I was snooping out of mere curiosity. Once it became curiosity, I stopped it immediately. That's when it hurt.
Thank you for clarifying, Starsky. I think snooping is the only possible answer for verifying the continued presence of OM/OW. Dev, I'm glad you found another "window."
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Waywards are very, very sloppy, and they assume that you are very, very dense and that they are very, very clever.
Snooping is not for the weak or emotional. It can help you detach though, because you have to deal with what is actually going on.
You also have to be very careful not to let slip things that you have no way of knowing.
There are downsides -- you can end up building quite a wall of your own, and become as unreachable as your wayward.
The other thing is that you get far too much detail. If you ever reconcile, there will be triggers everywhere, in all aspects of life. That's a problem for another day, though.
Well you asked, so I answered honestly, Train. I do think it's important to note that with some exceptions that I mentioned above, DBing is still about 80/20 against. I guess we don't have to agree on everything, but I do respect MWD's positions and it's her forum.
Coming from the Wayward side, I agree with Zew...I was very, very sloppy. Thought I was covering tracks slickly, but W knew something was up. My habits had changed and even though I thought my explanations were "good", the LBS knows. After a few weeks of this, W followed me...again, I thought I was covering so well, W would never know something was up. She continued to follow me to see I was at OW's house 3 or 4 times. W didn't say anything...she waited for me to say something. All I did was keep making up excuses, half truths, and lies. Once you are wayward, you dig yourself in deeper and deeper. One "half truth" turns into another...then you are outright lying and hiding things (such as emails and phone calls). It's a horrible way to live, if it's even living at all.
After W asked me to move out back in August 2013, we talked a bit. I offered to be completely transparent...all passwords, phone history, etc...but at that point it was too late. W said she couldn't move on with me because she would always see me with OW.
My H and I are separated. OW works with him (in another country). He uses the work computer to Skype her on the corporate account -- some of their contact is legitimate.
When I found out in May that he had stayed in touch with her there was a bit of a kerfuffle going on between H and OW's baby daddy, while I was texting him from my end. I specifically told him not to contact her and he did, and told me about it, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. (He was trying to manage the kerfuffle at that moment).
For months he told me their contact was limited to legitimate work stuff. Both he, to me, and she, to the baby daddy, made a big show of deleting their contact info off their devices in front of us, which is pretty much a meaningless gesture. I could check with a transparency plan and find that he's contacting her and I'd have no way of knowing whether the content of their contact was legitimate or not. If he ever wants to reconcile I don't know how I'll be able to trust that she's out of the picture unless one or both of them leaves the company -- not likely for either for at least several years. So potentially, my M is completely doomed right this minute, even though he's not committed to divorce and I am definitely not.
Yes, I knew something was up before BD, but now there is no future "trust but verify" option for me.
Sorry to hijack the thread...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm in the same sort of boat Maybell. My H works with OW and they both live in the same city. H says it is over, but I have no way of verifying that. Or, verifying that thefe is not a OW2. I know that he fb messaged an old gf, but can't know that they ard not hving an EA. Cheaters lie, bless their hearts.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
In my situation, if my W does want to talk R tonight , and I have no idea if she will or what she wants to chat about, it will only happen if the OM and A is done. If that's the case I will open up my windows again
And on a side note, I think with snooping we need to be careful as well. Where I live, legally you could put yourself in a really bad position. The courts have come down on S that have cyber spied. It affected custody and financial affairs.
