Mondays for days ...

[Train]

I have a feeling my old thread, Take Two, is about to lock up. So I'm starting a new one.

Today is Tuesday, which means I feel a little better now. My Mondays always leave me crazy because H has the kids all day Sunday. And the past two Sundays, I've seen a little more of him than I should have.

No real developments over here.

Sunday, as I've already posted, was a little odd. I'm still scratching my head over the fact that H dropped a tear or two .. and that he said he told OW he needed to come home ... then said he had his own realization that moving back now, and going through therapy, would be a decision he made "out of convenience ... just like in 2005."

Speaking of 2005 - and this is (hopefully) just trauma/flashbacks from then - it occurred to me, after reading another person's thread this morning: Omg. What if OW gets pregnant? I know he isn't/wasn't using protection. And when he told me that she cried and was all messed up when he mentioned needing to "go back home," I thought: Oh no. She's desperate and grasping at straws now. She has given up EVERYTHING for this man - including, very likely, custody of her own D11 - and he's expressing doubts? He's having second thoughts - ALREADY? This, IMO, is what OW 2005 did. She got pregnant when H told her he wanted to move back home, all the while supposedly telling H that she couldn't get pregnant because of medical issues. I don't want to even think about it. But I have to because it's at least a possibility. And one that I've lived. I've decided, though, that it would be a deal-breaker this time. There's no question in my mind.

I'd be lying if I said I also haven't found a little comfort in H's words that he isn't taking all the responsibility for the A now - he has realized that "she didn't have to call (him) back." And I also found out he paid a hefty price to put a mountain bike on layaway. I'm not happy about the expense, mind you, but at least it seems like maybe he's being selfish instead of considering paying for OW's legal fees. Geez. I find "comfort" in some pretty twisted things these days.

When H was here Sunday, he couldn't sit still. He has always hated our house; he bought it when we were dating because I fell in love with it. He also hates yard work. But Sunday, when he clearly was having a hard time just sitting down to drink a beer while watching the kids play, he jumped on the lawnmower and cut my grass for me. With me being an "acts of service" girl, this spelled bad news for the Love Bank. He started cleaning up the back patio, and even at one point said, "I don't know why I care."

I had actually asked H to take D2 to a photo shoot I had scheduled months ago for her. I had made an outfit for her to wear months ago, too. H agreed. But on Sunday, I told him I thought I might follow them there because I wanted to watch D2 with the bunnies and chicks that would be in the pictures with her. (I also wanted to make sure her outfit and hat were on "right" in the photo - H puts her clothes and shoes on backwards ... no joke.) I told him I wouldn't stay the entire time since it was his day with the kids. He texted back, "I'm not allergic to you. It's all good girly girl." (Girly girl? Say wha??) When he got here, he offered for me to ride with him and the kids out there. I hesitated for a while. But D2 got so excited about Mommy riding with them, so I agreed. It was fine. A little small talk, maybe. H helped out so much at the photo shoot, as usual. He's an incredible dad and has always been such a help to me with the kids.

He stayed here, working on S7's outdoor project, because he couldn't take the kids to his place since his roommate had to sleep for work that night. At one point, I was out watching D2 so H and S7 could work, which required a tall ladder. D2 kept trying to climb it, so I offered to keep her occupied outside so the boys could work without interruptions but, more importantly, so D2 wouldn't get hurt. D2 wanted to go inside, so I told them we were heading in. H said, "Why do *you* have to go in? D16 can watch her inside." In my mind, I was like: Oh! He wants my company!

Ugh. I'm so lame.

Yesterday was just ... whatever. A typical Monday of me thinking: What am I doing? Should I go completely dark? Should I put an intermediary in place to handle things with the kids? Am I ready for that? Is that the approach that is best for me and this sitch? My mind goes CRAZY with questions and second-thoughts and doubts on Mondays. Plus, it was cold and rainy yesterday. That's never good for the ol' PMA.

Today, H had to take me at lunch to pick up my car after it was inspected. I could not find anyone else who could do it, and I had to have someone with car seats in their cars for the kids. If he couldn't do it, I'd be without my car for at least another day. He seemed totally fine with helping and even told me to give the garage his number in case anything turned up wrong with the car. It was a quick trip. He DID say something inappropriate, out loud to me, about a neighbor's behind as we drove by. And I promptly told him it was inappropriate to say in front of his W. He asked if he could have the kids Wednesday instead of Thursday this week. I told him that's not a problem. We talked briefly about his parents coming to town this weekend ... and prom on Saturday for Ds 16 & 17. H wants to watch them walk into prom, so I'm trying to coordinate times. (And the good news is he has plans all day Sunday, his bday, with the kids and his parents. So I won't have to worry about seeing him Sunday. That's good.)

But despite things seeming sort of calm, H texted a little while ago to ask for L's email address so he can respond to "his/your proposal."

More of this:

Back to reality.

I mean, I'm okay with it. I really have come a long way with detaching from his crazy. It seems I'm operating better in the face of his "ups and downs."

I wrote a letter last night to, well, myself. I wrote it with someone else in mind as the recipient, though. That made me better able to be thorough and open and honest. It's basically a letter to help me remember how I'm allowing him to make me feel: worthless, useless and like trash kicked to the curb. And it's a letter that talks about the kind of person I deserve in my life. I can't say it was "healing," per se. It actually made me mad as I wrote it. I got mad because I saw - right there in black and white - how much crap I have put up with and haven't deserved. And I have continued to love him? How? How does that work? How does that even make sense?

[Train]

I should add:

Re: H saying he needs to go back home, he and I BOTH agree that him moving back home - even if he ends the A - is not a good idea. Even when I told him that I'd be willing to roll up my sleeves and work to save our M, starting from scratch, I told him we don't have to live together to do that.

I think, even IF the time comes that H ends his A and wants to talk about R, we should stay S for a while. Those are just my rambling thoughts, which are stupid to even have right now, considering he told me flat-out that moving back would be "out of convenience," and he's still clearly moving forward on the S/D ...

[twinmom]

I wish your pain would go away! Look at the baby steps you are getting though, he wants to spend time with you, he is doubting the A..... keep sight of your goal.

My H is very nice to me but is consistent that he loves and wants to marry ow and can't wait to divorce me. I know it sounds weird but I think I would love to have the back/forth that you were able to obtain. Keep your head up and keep paying.

[Starsky309]

Even when I told him that I'd be willing to roll up my sleeves and work to save our M, starting from scratch, I told him we don't have to live together to do that.

I think this is very wise, Train.


Starsky

[Train]

Thanks, Starsky. I really feel, in my heart of hearts, that we both need some time away from one another to sort things out, if it ever comes to that. If we ever want to TRY, I'd like to date again. It'd be a nice change from the norm for me to have H take time for me and pursue me a little. I just wish I felt more of a commitment from him - even just a tad. I wish he would give me any indication that he thinks I am (we are) worth it.

twin, I see what you're saying. And I know my sitch could seem SO much worse and more hopeless. I guess my fear is that I'm in danger of being in the "friend zone." I don't FEEL like either H or I look at each other as friends. He's still clearly very sexually attracted to me; he even asked on Sunday if L had provided a definition of "which kind" of sex we should abstain from. Lol. I just said: "All of the above." But men, I think, are perfectly fine having relationships with women that are "friends with benefits." And I'm sure I offer H familiarity and comfort and intimacy whereas OW has provided passion and fire. We actually talked Sunday for a minute or two about the couple of weeks he and I continued to ML after I found out about the A but thought it was "text-only." I mentioned it was great to me, probably because of the intense feelings of desperation and clinging to hold on to something that's slipping through my fingers. And so, I said, it was probably just ME that thought it was so good. And he said, "Nah. It was good."

I don't even remember when we got on that subject, or how. It ended as quickly as it began.

If he was half as interested in pursuing emotional intimacy with me as he is in pursuing physical intimacy, we'd be good to go right now.

But either way we slice it - whether H is interested in sex and a little bit of company once a week, or interested in D and marrying OW - we don't have our Hs with us. They're not committed. And both situations come with pros and cons. At the end of the day, though, we're both pretty much empty-handed. And that blows.

[Train]

Every time my email "pings" today, I get a feeling in my stomach; waiting to hear from L, who will be delivering whatever "counter-offer" H has provided.

Meanwhile, to toughen myself up a little so I don't play too nice with all this legal maneuvering as it's occurring, I looked back through the snapshots of the texts bw H & OW that I "scored" in late February.

Whew. That was ROUGH. Again.

Not sure if that's the smartest way to stiffen a backbone.

[twinmom]

Is there a friend that can be there with you today? Instead of torturing yourself with the texts maybe some good company?

[Train]

Good call, twin. I DID get in touch with a friend ... and never heard from L yesterday. So another day of waiting for that e-mail ...

More weirdness ...

H picked up the kids yesterday for his afternoon with them. When he pulled in the driveway, he tore through the backyard (very typical behavior of his when he's in one of his manic moods). He got out of his car, laughing all sinister-ish, and said a really bad word (right in front of D16), noting how messed up the driveway was. (The kids had been playing outside, and I hadn't cleaned up their bikes, etc. yet.) He started cleaning up and said: "Every time I come home, there's sh!t everywhere!" I got three words out - "This isn't your ... " - before I remembered to bite my tongue. (This was sort of reminiscent of him being here, straightening up the patio and mowing my grass Sunday, btw.) I'm trying to get better at being a smarta$s (as in, I'm trying not to be one - ha). So I instead said: "I can clean it; don't worry with it. The kids have been playing outside today."

He acted like he was in such a great (again, manic-like) mood. He wasn't nice to ME. But he was acting very hyper. Like, really weird. And manic.

He left with the kids, and I swear D16 and I spent 5 minutes just staring at each other and shaking our heads in disbelief. It was so odd (typical of H sometimes, though) and definitely different from how he was acting Sunday. I just let it roll off my back.

I contacted a friend to meet up and hang out for a while. The friend was working but was sort of "on-call." We hung out for a little bit, then he was called into work. He said he might swing by later.

Meanwhile, H texted and told me he was on his way home with the kids. S7 texted me from his dad's phone, asking if I was home. I replied, "Yep. For now I am. I might be hanging with a friend for a little bit later, but I'll be nearby. I got 'dumped' by my friend for a job that had to be done a little while ago. I'm always getting 'dumped.' Lol. But I might meet them later. Still, I won't be gone long, ok? You can hang on the computer." (My mom and D16&17 were home to stay with the kids.)

S7 and I texted back and forth a little bit until they finally pulled up at the house.

H was NOT happy. I asked if the kids had behaved okay, and he said yes. But he was in no mood to make small talk. In fact, he wouldn't even LOOK at me. Stark contrast from earlier in the afternoon.

I asked S7 later why his dad seemed to be in such a rotten mood. S7 said: "I don't know, but I think it's because he read your texts." I asked how he read my texts if he was driving. S7 said, "He took his phone and read them at a red light."

I am not going to mind-read here. But is it typical WAS behavior for them to not want to be with their spouse ... and for THEM to even cheat!!! ... but to be bothered by the LBS seeming to "move on" and GAL without them??? I mean, what did he expect?

[Starsky309]

But is it typical WAS behavior for them to not want to be with their spouse ... and for THEM to even cheat!!! ... but to be bothered by the LBS seeming to "move on" and GAL without them???

Yes, very typical. He's twisting.


Starsky

[Train]

Starsky, have you read/researched anything about the psychology of that? Because I just don't get it. That seems like childish behavior to me: "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you, either." Why is he like that when he's the one who left? He's the one who said if he came back now and went to therapy it would be "only out of convenience." He's the one who chose someone else over me. So why does he CARE? Seems he'd be indifferent and would actually WANT me to move on so I'd be out of his and OW's hair once and for all! RIGHT???

I didn't prescribe a gender to my friend in any of the texts (because it WAS a guy ... but a guy I've been friends with for YEARS). And I'm not dating; I'm still M and not even legally S - yet. Perhaps H just made a broad assumption, and I probably fed that assumption by not being specific about the identity of said friend in the texts with S7. H is a jealous person, though he laughs things off and just makes snarky remarks about men "wanting (me)." Ugh. That's embarrassing for me to even see in black and white. I didn't provide the name of my friend for a reason ... because H has always thought there was something "there" between my friend and me. And I didn't want to fuel that last night, knowing H could read the texts between S7 and me. Perhaps I just shouldn't have said anything to S7 at all except: "I'm here for now, but I might not be home later."

So here's another question, which arose after I was reading something yesterday from a former cheating WAS: If H's self-esteem is so crappy (and it is, except for what OW has done to bolster it recently), was it shaky ground for me to even mention I was going out with a friend? I mean, I wrote it to S7, but it's on H's phone so obviously H is privy to anything I write. I don't want to inadvertently damage his self-esteem even more. BUT, he has OW. He left our family. There's a part of me that WANTS him to know I'm not only capable of moving on ... but I AM moving on.

Right? Or no?

Sorry for all the questions.