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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2442920&#Post2442920

Thanks Job... I am excited. Everyone speaks of transformation after this weekend. I am scared, yet excited to be the best ME I can be. I need time away from the madness.

I have goals and values that I am trying my hardest to be true to & stick with.

Talk to you all when I return. I have our next mediation appointment on Tuesday. Worried about it being finalized. However, relieved as well. Hoping it will all be settled and agreed upon that day.


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
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Enjoy the break, Magic, and Godspeed.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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OK.. I am baaaaack!!! With a whole new outlook of "I am worth it" and "I love myself, unconditionally".

My Weekend Goal: I am confident in my life, appreciate my full value & I am loved unconditionally.

FIRST !!! I am excited to tell you all one MAJOR breakthrough that I discovered and you will all appreciate and understand something about me... finally!! I have come to realize (and not blame Mom), but she was the one who night after night sat me down and did my homework with me. If I didn't know the answer, she would give it to me. ^^^ This is why I struggle so much with finding my answers/truths. This is why so many of you may get frustrated easily with me. ALSO, because I don't have the tools to make decisions, find truths/answers... I really do struggle with this..... The one amazing thing about this truth, is that I did figure it out on my own, so...there is hope for me!!!

The weekend was very intense and "in your face" kinda stuff, exhausting... Love/hate relationship with it...LOL!!! For those who want to find themselves, face their demons and let them go....this is an awesome, safe place to go... I totally recommend it.

This new discovery, along with several others I am anxious to live a life knowing that they are there. The good, bad & ugly. I just need to watch and keep it in check.

My Ego's:

1) Not good enough
2) Dog with a bone
3) Controlling outcome
4) Naive/trusting... not trusting self (not knowing how)

I have realized that I am "unattractive" to Men, as long as I do not have my stuff together. And If I don't realize that I am worthy of everything and more, neither will any man. Not even my Xbf. So, I really need to GET that I am worthy!! Men like a great deal that includes a woman who knows herself and has confidence in herself. Therefore, I do not need a man to make me feel beautiful/worthy... I need to see it for myself.

I have also realized that I must love myself unconditionally. I went there thinking that I want to receive unconditional love... then I realized I need to give it to myself.

I am referring to him as my Xbf and that I am single... as these are the truth.

There are so many little things that pop up.... and apparently more will pop over time. I am excited for this stuff!!

I am anxious to share with my Xbf these discoveries, as they explain so much of why I do the things I do. Where I am coming from when I come up with the stuff I do. I am also scared to share them, as they are private for me.... knowing these things will make me a better person

I believe I walked away with the tools to live my goal. Now its time to live them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mediation appt: It was extremely tough to live through yesterdays appointment. A lot of my ego came up. We managed to work out the base for an agreement. We now need to fine tune it. The business deal is favourable to me, in lieu of me approaching the area of dividing up my interest in the house. In the end, it doesn't matter how its packaged up... and I am not going to fight over $30G. I would have paid that in legal fees anyway. So, other than the details, I believe I can now heal from this and begin to look forward. He was emotional in that meeting, telling me he loves me, etc. But, really really needing this to go away BEFORE he can consider us. He is wanting to be in a committed relationship, like the one we had. He is afraid that we will fall back into what we had. He regrets not committing further to the point of a ring/home. He stated with tears "if you love something, set it free..."

Xbf's position since DAY 1 has been that he does not commit because he believes that a paper forces people to stay together. His idea of commitment is that he was in our relationship, because he "wanted" to be there not that he was forced. I understood and accepted his point... even believing it. One of the women from my support group pointed something out: its possible that his parents divorce was what makes him so scared of the outcome, feeling financially vulnerable, not knowing the outcome of what happens with the result of his empire. Feeling that 1/2 was not fair. THIS may be why its so important NOW to have this sorted out...to live through the outcome NOW... so he can see what happens. (hope that makes sense).

One thing I know for sure... he wants me in his life...forever. Who knows with what label. This is not acceptable to me, right now as It does keep me on the hook. He will want to maintain "coffee time" and to be connected. As much as I want time with him...its not fair to myself to hurt myself. Therefore, until ALL business matters are finalized and on paper... I feel that I should try to refrain. I know he will not like or understand this (as he will feel rejected), so I will need to clarify why. In the mediator meeting yesterday, he stated that he felt I had removed the possibility off the table for good. I need to be truthful or he will never feel like he can approach me. I need to be cautious here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is a new day... I still really need to find out who I am, and what I like. To become whole again. To open myself up to all possibilities ... to just be open. To live life. To be the person who is passionate about people and passionate about herself. To be a role model for my daughter and make my parents proud. To stand for my values and see them thru fruition. Able to give/receive unconditional love (including myself). To be responsible for my happiness, knowing who she is. Confident Magic ~~ wearing it! (in a soft tone).

I am excited!


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,561
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Good morning All...

Also, any dream experts out there? For 2 nights in a row I have been having sex dreams about my Xbf. I have not dreamed of him, sexually before. I just wonder why now?

Today is my anniversary. I had a goal that we would be celebrating on this day, having dinner. So, I am a little sad.

Putting on a smile... Magic


M:46 H:49 T:20yrs
myD:22
H distant summer/12
H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12
BD: Dec 2/12
asked me begin to move end of Jan/13
moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff)
"agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Magic,
I'm very happy to come here and read that you had a great time away and made some necessary discoveries about your. Yes, we had been telling you some of those things for months, but it took getting you out of your comfort zone and being away to really "get it".

You will continue to evolve and yes, you will become the woman and parent that your daughter will be proud of. It all takes time and patience and you will be back slides, but that's okay, just as long as you understand that you need to learn from them and continue moving forward.

As for the dreams, I think all of the talks about sex last week and today being your anniversary have had your dreams on a roller coaster. I wouldn't put too much stock into it right now because you need to keep the focus on you and you don't want to barter "sex" to get the financials done.

Keep the focus on you and continue working on yourself. You've learned a lot about yourself over the weekend and I want to see more of the new Magic posting here about herself and what she's doing for herself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
there is hope for me

There is always hope!

Quote:
I am anxious to share with my Xbf these discoveries,

IMO, you do NOT “share” (aka ‘voice”) them to your X.

You…
Quote:
I believe I walked away with the tools to live my goal. Now its time to live them.

LIVE THEM.


"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter".
"Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!"
"Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
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Magic,
I agree with Eric 100% in the fact that you do not share anything about what you have discovered over the weekend. These are your tools to use to help you, not him.

Now, it is time to live, learn and grow in order to meet your goals.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
I third that notion. Less talking. More action. He doesn't need to know what you learned. Just love them for you.


*Fourth!* cool


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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fifth.

Just forget him for a while. enjoy your new improved self.

whats the benefit of telling him? what is your goal?


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
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sixth wink

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