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#2440734 03/25/14 04:34 PM
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AndyK Offline OP
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Hi
I found out at xmas that my wife was having an affair with a work colleague.Although she had known him for 2 years it had only been going on for 2 weeks when I found out.
She refused to stop as he was leaving the country the following week. As she put it, you were never meant to find out it was supposed to be a bit of fun for a couple of weeks before he left.
I ebdured it, stupidly I know, as I didn't want to lose her and he is now gone although up until a month ago they were still in touch.
We tried for weeks to work through things but eventually she left and got an apartment stating, I love you but I'm not in love with you.
It has left me with two little boys and we are devastated.
I read some of the tips such as not pursuing or begging and trying to do 180s etc but I have also made many mistakes such as trying to get her to discuss things and work at things.
She says she needs to be on her own and right now it looks hopeless as she says she doesn't see herself returning.
I have no clue what to do next as I lover her and miss her desperately.
Any advice would be welcome

Andy

AndyK #2440830 03/25/14 08:01 PM
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I am sorry you are in this situation. Don't beat yourself up about making mistakes...everyone does. Think about what you need to do going forward. If you aren't working with a DB coach, please do, as they are fantastic in helping you get on a track that is most likely to turn things around. You will not feel hopeless and will feel stronger and more in control after your first session with a DB coach. Take a good care.


Karen, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
karen@divorcebusting.com

Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
KarenR #2440844 03/25/14 08:28 PM
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Andy, I'm very sorry to hear about what has happened to you. The DB/DR books really do have a lot of good ideas in them that can help you deal with this situation.

Things may seem hopeless right now but in time things can change. If you work on yourself, make yourself the spouse that someone would be crazy to leave, your wife may reconsider what she's doing. If not, then you will be a much better version of yourself.


Me-40,W-37
D7, D5, S3
Separated Oct 3/2013
T 11 YRS
M 7 YRS
AndyK #2440848 03/25/14 08:32 PM
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Hey Andy, welcome to the board. If you haven't already get a copy of DivorceRemedy and read it. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Read other peoples threads and you can pickup a lot from what they have been through. You are facing a long emotional road. Try not to let it keep you down.

Tell us about your marriage before now. How long you been married? How old are kids? What led your R here?


M: 43 W: 43
Married 6 yrs.
T: 7 yrs.
Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10

AndyK #2440851 03/25/14 08:37 PM
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Who has your kids?

Have you spoken with an atty yet? You do NOT have to DO anything, but just getting some general advice would be wise, Andy. The better you know what your rights, responsibilities and potential threats are, the more confident you will feel.

You should definitely document when she moved out, and keep a dated journal as to what's going on.

Looking forward to hearing more of your backstory . . .

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for almost 8.
Our two little boys are 9 and 5, they now live with me full-time as she sees them a couple of nights per week but only keeps them alternate Saturdays.
She has changed so dramatically as a person, she was such a devoted wife and mother and this affair has completely messed with her head.
Th fact that she is able to leave her boys in this way also really shocks me. We made the decision about this due to my eldest son being mildly autistic, he was really struggling for the first few weeks going from our home to her apartment so we thought it best that the boys sleep here almsot all of the time.
I should point out that there is 19 year age gap between myself and my wife although we had never had an issue with that as I am young for my age and it only came up as she has been trying to find explanations for why she had the affair.
What really bothers me is that prior to his happening I believed we were happy.No we weren't perfect but I felt loved and we had a lovely life and everything seemed good.
All of a sudden she has changed and I barely recognise her, she refuses to discuss or try to work at our problems and just says she needs time and space. When I asked her the other day did she feel any different she said if anything she was further away, that really hurt as I have been trying so hard to give her the space, although I have struggled to avoid relationship conversations when we are together.
She is behaving like a teenager in ways wanting to go out and almost distancing herself from her role as a wife and mother.
I have no clue how to handle this...

AndyK #2441464 03/27/14 10:56 PM
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anyone have advice they can give me, I really am struggling with all of this

AndyK #2441563 03/28/14 01:52 PM
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Okay I really need some advice on this
My wife has agreed to come round tomorrow evening (as friends she has been very clear on this) to spend some time with myself and the boys.
She was meant to have them but as I had no plans I suggested she come round as we have been unable to spend any time in eachothers company without it turning into a debate and then things get difficult. So I have said we should try and spend some time together without discussing us.
We are planning to spend time with the boys, have dinner together and then we are going to spend some time together with a glass of wine etc, she is adamant though that it is purely platonic as she states that she doesn't want to lose me as her best friend.
Problem is I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to get into a discussion about us as I do love spending time with her. But I suspect that although the OM is off the scene she has struck up a friendship with someone else now. Not 100% sure but its really bothering me and I feel tempted to ask her about him.
I know there is nothing to be gained by this but it hurts like hell that she has basically ended one affair and might be starting another one before the dust has settled with us.

AndyK #2441711 03/28/14 11:36 PM
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Just be polite and get through the evening without Amy R talk.

Don"t fall into the "friends" trap. She use it to her advantage and your disadvantage.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2441712 03/28/14 11:45 PM
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I hate this iPad and auto wording!

I was trying to say don't get into a R talk. Try to have a nice evening. Have no expectations b/c she is not keen about spending time with you. You pressured her into coming over. Shouldn't do it.

You can be friendly but don"t settle to be her best friend. She can be friends with anyone, but M is meant to be a special R set apart from other "friendships".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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