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Had to start a new thread, as I could no longer post.
if you want to stay M and have no problem with what you just said, then I guess that's what you should do.
It sounds like you are describing that your W is considering starting a family with someone else....Am I understanding you? To me that's not a M. At least not in our culture... The M you had is gone.
What are your personal goals and boundaries? What boundaries do you have to protect you from more hurt while W is having an A? Why are you allowing yourself to have a front row seat to this? How is staying where you are and watching this unfold going to help you live your life better and perhaps one day have a better R with someone (maybe your W...maybe someone else...)?
It like you're standing under a cliff with falling rocks and you're passively "wondering" if another rock might fall and crush you. This forum is not the "stay married at all costs and give myself up forum" I think some people interpret this place as NEVER D, NEVER stop DB'ing...but in her own work MWD says there are times when we've done all we can. Many of the issues she states about D are centered around couples with kids...
I'm not telling you should file for D or do something or not do something....but other than torturing yourself....what are you doing with this??
I don't mean to sound critical or judgmental. There comes a point where you have to say what you stand for. did you agree to an open marriage? If not. given the facts you stated above, how can you live a life that brings out the best in you? Why would that include standing by if she's actively pursuing starting a family with OM?
No paul19510, its not harsh, but there is more to all of this. My post this morning was having just left the bathroom having seen that those items had been used. But they may not have been used since January when she went through a miscarriage. It was not on purpose. She was being reckless, which obviously has not changed, but they are not trying to have kids. At least I have no reason to think they are. Or no valid proof yet, if those items are used again, like by tomorrow, than that's different. But until I have a day to compare it to, I cant be sure. It was just suspicious.
What is happening though for me, is it made me think. I mean I am sitting in all this. But here is why. We share a house, we cant afford on our own. If we sold tomorrow, we would take a loss and still owe on it. I did now walk out, she did. SO I have no intention of just walking out of my home. She should. However, I did at one point tell her she should go somewhere, and after I was told here not to do that. That I needed to let her make the choice. This was her journey. So ok, she knows I don't like her here. She knows because when we had that talk, it was not that I didn't want her, I just felt like it was too painful to have her here when she says she does not want me. So she stays out most nights. When she is here, like tonight, I get home, she is already in the guest room, lights out. When I wake she will be gone. That has been her routine like 3 nights a week.
I agree that this is a hard spot. It is in my face. I keep thinking, how can she miss me, when basically it is like she gets to stay here, and go date this guy. Like best of both worlds. I think I am at the point where I am making changes in my life and starting to feel like I am being limited, by her.
I also ask myself, why has she not filed, why hasn't she moved out. she hasn't asked about selling the house recently. When I have seen her, she says nothing about all this. I have been leaving that all to her. What I do, is work on me.
I started working out, which I stopped doing a long time ago. Been doing that now for like 3 weeks, and feeling good.
Started a new diet, although mine is to gain weight. But that's good because it regulated my eating. Making it easier to remember to eat, and eat well and not convenience foods, like snacks.
I started working on my book, working to get it published soon I hope.
I have reconnected with friends and family. Which has been great.
I've worked on my home, like rebuilding the furnace and other chores I had put off.
I am looking at taking a vacation that I was afraid to take since B day, and W would have never gone with me on it while we were married to Korea to see my sister.
Anyway, I do sometimes wish she would not stay here. At least not like this. I mean I have been thinking this was good in the sense she also got to see my changes. But I don't know. I don't like feeling suspicious and it is hard because when I am alone I have gotten really good about not snooping. But when she is here, I am suspicious. I am also less happy with myself when she is here.
Earlier on in all this these days alone were harder, now I look forward to them. I am stronger now, than I was. I don't have tears for this anymore. I still get sad, but not enough for tears. Which is great. I cried more this year than in the last 20 at least. While that was like 4-5 times, it was a lot for me. I am looking forward, and what I want to do from here. My fear of change, is residing some.
I feel good. I like the changes I have made so far. I will be making more, but this has been a good start. I wanted to give these time to stick before adding others.
Me:36 Her:35 together 11yrs M 7 1/2yrs lived together 10yrs 2dogs 2cats Mortgage on a house
bomb dropped 01/12/14 Separate bedrooms/W stays here some nights I want to stay married