As with most of our situations, I found myself devastated a few months back (and still am) when my W hit me with "I don't love you anymore" followed by the "D" bomb. I immediately sought out all the help and information I could and DB and DR have been a great help. I quickly learned that though my situation fit so many categories, the most dominant was the "WAS" syndrome. Fully convinced and determined to end our M my W took on this evil personality and become enraged with every step and decision of the process. She told me "IDLYA" one day, two days later I was out of the house, two weeks later I was hit with the "D" papers and within a month I was bullied into signing the papers. She has resisted and even gotten very ugly with any attempt to reconnect. I finally took the 180. I signed the papers, I was not willing to drag it out and turn it completely ugly thus losing any chance of us reconciling. Everyone who knows only knows what little she leads them to believe and now all hate me. There is no one rooting for us and worse her mom and only true friend hates me with a passion. Nonetheless, I have applied what I have learned from DB/DR. And have seen very small and slow changes, given a set back here and there. It has only been a couple months and only about two weeks since signing the papers.
My question to anyone out there is... Recently (via e-mail) she asked me to re-sign one of the documents from the decree as it needed to by notarized. I took the opportunity to put in my "2 cents" about our marriage and got a response that she is "not happy" that our marriage failed. So I responded by asking if she'd be willing to read "something" and she said it would only be fair that she did, so yes... So now I'm wondering... Do I give her the DB book? Or would this just put her back on the defensive again just by reading the title as she is adamant that "D" is what she wants? Top of that, she would now know what I have been doing and intend to do further. I just don't know what her reaction may be and if I should actually give her the book.
Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. Usually it isn't a good idea to give the WAS the book, but each situation is unique. Are you speaking to a DB coach, they are experts in helping you decide what you should and should not ask and what will bring her closer. I would be happy to give you more info. Take care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
I am 39, she is 47. We have been (were) married for almost fourteen yrs. We share two kids, D11 and S7. She is a school teacher and both go to the same school she teaches so they both live with her. The decree spells out 50/50 but with my job I can barely see them even during my time to see them due to scheduling differences.
I will attempt a nut shell version...
We somewhat skipped the dating process and moved in with each other almost immediately after only a few months. We were married about a 2 1/2 years later and had our daughter. During the years prior to our daughter things were wonderful. We had our moments when things weren't great but always found a way to work it through. Honestly sometimes we didn't even do that... we would just wait until one could not stand the silence anymore and then we go straight to make up sex. Making love was frequent to say the least (sometimes three, four times a day; sometimes days at a time only stopping to eat or drink)...
After our daughter was born the sex almost dropped off completely. two to three times a week and as time progressed it got less and less. I biggest issue I had with any of this was not so much the decrease in sex but the fact that eventually I became second to my daughter, which I did not mind except for the fact that my W completely switched beds. She was no long sleeping with me. Though, I tried to understand the need for her to care for and be close to our child, I never understood why she never came back... YES, she never came back. Our daughter is now 11 and my W (ex) is still not in the same bed as me and now seemingly will never be again. Our son was conceived four years later only with the conscious effort that we wanted another child. Now, I'm not saying our sex life died out completely but it definitely was not anywhere near what it was. There were times we'd go weeks or even months without. Each time I would grow more and more wounded, resentful. To be honest with you, I do not know if this actual manifested into other issues or if other issues contributed to our sex life. I'm sure both somehow, but it was for me a re-occurring issue I kept bringing up as it was never really resolved.
With this, many other things followed and ultimately became less and less bearable. We grew intolerant of small things and let them manifest into larger things. We became less supportive of each other, feeding off our resent and doing things passive aggressively to hurt the other. Some was intentional and other times, because we just got so use to it, was completely unintentional. Though we apologized for the unintentional, I don't believe the other ever really trusted the apology.
These types of issues carried on for quite sometime and just became the norm of how we dealt with things. Otherwise the relationship seemed fine and we always had plenty of good times. But when it got bad, there was always underlining issues that would make them extremely volatile. (Gosh, now that I think about it, there were so many underlining issues...)
Last April 2013, was the catalyst for the end however. I lost my job of ten plus years and had to come home and tell her. I broke down and though neither of us recognized it, I went into a depression. Classic depression... I took everything out on her, blamed her for my unhappiness and was not pleasant to be around at all. Though I was able to find another job fairly quickly, my depression had settled in and I wasn't happy with anything in my life. This continued for several months and within those months I believe I may have drove her into her own depression. She began going through menopause and her annual check resulted n a dark spot found in her breast. Though the spot proved to be nothing, it was enough for her to re-evaluate her life and situation in life. Her prospective about me took a complete change and for the worse. I made it easy as I was now just a big lump of self absorbed, self loathing mess. Our arguments were constant. almost every other day. Sometimes small, sometimes extremely harsh and volatile though never physical.
We both had become so unhappy and so miserable with each other and our lives. But I think what hurts me the most is what happened during our last fight. It was Jan 2nd. After our fight, I stormed up stairs to nap so I could go to work that night (grave shift schedule)... I did not sleep... I stared at the ceiling and had epiphany... "You're a jerk and you need to snap out of this. She loves you and your kids love you and you need to get back in the game and take care of your responsibilities and stop feeling sorry for yourself. And above all... LOVE YOUR WIFE... she is your best friend and you need to be hers", I said to myself.
I was so excited about coming out of my rut; excited to tell her things would be different, things would change and be better. But before, I could relay my epiphany and start making things better... she followed up the next day with "I don't love you anymore, I haven't for a long time... I want a divorce".
Thank you for your empathy. I was having some apprehension and needed to hear that. I have been speaking to Amanda from the DB. But the sessions are short and unyielding of any results for now. I recently went into the 180 and her (WAW)e-mail about the papers has been the most correspondence between us in a week. Getting with Amanda from DB again has been hard to do on such short notice moments when I need immediate answers. It has been a few days now and I have not sent my WAW anything to read. What if she asks? I would love more info and any insight you have to offer. Thank you.
She wont so much as look at me long enough to say a full sentence. I don't think she'll be going anywhere soon. It is why I was surprised when she said she'd be willing to read what I had. But now I'm having second thoughts on how she might react.
DO NOT give her the book to read. She will find everything and every reason about why it doesn't apply to her or that it is "too late". Use that as your playbook.
Retrouvaille is a good alternative or a Joe Beam seminar. And of course, DB counseling is always the best.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Me: 35 Her: 33 D : 16 S : 9 Together: 14 years Married: 12 She left 4/14/2014 Separated: 5/25/2014 OM Confirmed 7/2014 She filed 8/7/2014 I Filed 10/21/2014 Divorce final 2/12/2015
