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Thanks, guys. I have spent a lot of time on the parenting time issue.

(Wonka, legal custody means major decision making - the default here is joint decision making, unless one of the parents is pretty messed up.)

Just because a parent doesn't pose a physical danger to the kids doesn't mean it is in the kids' best interests to be with that parent 50% of the time. Here in CO, there is no presumption of 50/50 parenting time. The standard is what is in the best interest of the kids. It is not in their best interest to go from having Mom be the primary caregiver to being with Mom only half the time. It is highly unlikely a judge is going to give my H 50/50 right now. My H knows that, which is why he is trying all these different tactics to convince me to agree to it.

I am not against 50/50 EVER. Just not now. I think we need to slowly increase the overnights with H, and see how the kids are doing. Same with the schedule - see if the kids do better with longer blocks with each parent, or frequent back and forth.

I am truly trying to do what is best for the kids, with a lot of outside help to keep me on track. And no, I am not going to spend a lot of time, energy and money fighting a losing fight.


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Having a flexible plan is good.

How many hours/week do you spend with the kids-not counting sleeping?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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M,

The standard is what is in the best interest of the kids. It is not in their best interest to go from having Mom be the primary caregiver to being with Mom only half the time.


Says who? According to YOUR own filter? What about Dad? Does he have any say in this?

I am not against 50/50 EVER. Just not now.


Why not now? What is it about "now" that is stopping you from granting 50/50 to H? This is the part I don't understand at all. Now as opposed to 5 to 10 years from now? Who gets to decide this? You? That is deciding unilaterally. No wonder why H's nose it out of joint on this one. From his perspective, you are BLOCKING him from having a say in this. After all, H is their Dad.

I think we need to slowly increase the overnights with H, and see how the kids are doing. Same with the schedule - see if the kids do better with longer blocks with each parent, or frequent back and forth.

According to who's set of rules? Is that according to YOUR yardstick of WHAT?? What do you mean by "seeing how the kids are doing"...by what standard? Again, they are YOURS. Without any input on from H on this. This looks like it's all stacked against H. Is it fair to H, to the kids, and to their R?

It seems to me that you are setting this up for H to "fail" at this so you can say to yourself, "Ah, I was right about this all along!"

For what??! Just so you can feel smug and superior in the Parenting Stakes? This isn't the Preakness Stakes.

You may not always agree to H's parenting ways...yet he is their Dad. He may not always agree to your parenting ways...yet you're their Mom. As long as the kids aren't in danger, one wouldn't really care if H gives them Koolaid instead of healthy V-8 juice. See what I'm saying here?

I'd urge to take some time to really delve deeply into this stance of yours and reconsider it. I am thinking it is all about YOUR motherly instincts that are kicking in here...we all get that. But don't forget H in the equation as well as a father.

Like 25 said previously, it isn't bad at all that H wants to try to step up as a Dad. Good for him!

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Melissa,

First, I want to say that you really are doing well at this. You have a great attitude, being a fantastic mother to your children, and make good decisions. It's hard to turn off something that you have been doing for so long. This is one of the great reasons to have almost ALL the communication go through the L. Your h is a master at manipulation and control. I truly believe that he will try to make your life hell through all of this if he doesn't get his way.

As far as 50/50...I agree with you totally. Your h is only using them as a pawn right now to get back at you. Once all the dust clears and the emotions are out of it, then it can be decided. Wonka is absolutely WRONG in this instance.


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Originally Posted By: labug

You take on the emotions of other people. If your H thinks something about you, you believe it.


That is definitely not the case.

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And then you try to fix it and then it's still not right.


This is true. Sort of. It's not that I believe my H and then try to change myself; it's that I try to make him see hat he is wrong about me -but it never works. He has a narrative in his head, and if fact doesn't fit, he rejects it. So it's less that I am stuck with low self worth, and more that I am stuck trying to make my H value what I value about myself, even though I know damn well it is a hopeless endeavor. I will have to ponder this more, but perhaps I feel that I need to convince him so that I don't have to call it into question myself. ?

Quote:
You're lacking in internal boundaries, to be able to live life with the rock-solid belief that "this is who I am, I'm happy with me. You're not? That's fine but I'm not changing to suit you."


I do think that for the most part. But after over a decade of being told that I am crazy, wrong, too this and too that, I do need some outside reassurance that really, I am not THAT crazy. So with most people, yes, I feel that way. I'm me, I'm cool with it. You don't like it, that's OK. It's a lot harder with my H.

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If I'm wrong about that, and you were secure and grounded in your worth but your H couldn't deal with that, then he's not good R material.


I wouldn't say you are entirely wrong, no. I have some work to do in this area. I feel that I have always had a strong sense of self and I have never really been an insecure person. Definitely too hard on myself, yes. I am working on that, too. It is difficult to go through this situation (for me, the M and the aftermath) and not take a pretty big blow to the self esteem, no matter how solid it was to begin with.

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Slow your roll! Everything changes with time, you have no idea what your future communication will be like with your H, so don't go there.


You are right. Thank you for this reminder.

I tend to be a planner and a problem solver. I cross things off my to-do list. Solve the problem, move on. This whole situation is extra painful because it doesn't go away. It is hard for me to accept that this is going to be ongoing for a long while. I don't like clutter, physical or figurative. I like things to be neat and organized and resolved. I feel anxious and stressed when things are otherwise. I don't know if this is an issue that I need to "fix," or simply the way I am. I have always just thought the latter.

As you guys may have noticed, I also don't do well being sad and angry and upset and hurt. I am normally a pretty happy person. I like being happy and having fun. I think there are some people who enjoy being sad but I am not one of them. I hate drama and I see no upside to it. (My H is a bit opposite on that one.)

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It's amazing how communication between people can change even when only one person feels safe. And as that one person feels safe, they begin to feel strong enough to provide a safe place for the other person.


Hmm. Not sure where you are going with this. Am I the person who feels safe and provides a safe place for my H? I kind of feel like, thus far, I have provided a safe place for my H but he has made me feel not safe.

Quote:
And just a word about expectations, you have lots of them about yourself, about your H and about people here.

Drop them all. Chaos won't ensue. smile


I will try. smile


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Originally Posted By: labug
Having a flexible plan is good.

How many hours/week do you spend with the kids-not counting sleeping?



What do you mean? Literally how many waking hours do I have with the kids?


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Originally Posted By: Wonka
M,

The standard is what is in the best interest of the kids. It is not in their best interest to go from having Mom be the primary caregiver to being with Mom only half the time.


Says who? According to YOUR own filter? What about Dad? Does he have any say in this?

I am not against 50/50 EVER. Just not now.


Why not now? What is it about "now" that is stopping you from granting 50/50 to H? This is the part I don't understand at all. Now as opposed to 5 to 10 years from now? Who gets to decide this? You? That is deciding unilaterally. No wonder why H's nose it out of joint on this one. From his perspective, you are BLOCKING him from having a say in this. After all, H is their Dad.

I think we need to slowly increase the overnights with H, and see how the kids are doing. Same with the schedule - see if the kids do better with longer blocks with each parent, or frequent back and forth.

According to who's set of rules? Is that according to YOUR yardstick of WHAT?? What do you mean by "seeing how the kids are doing"...by what standard? Again, they are YOURS. Without any input on from H on this. This looks like it's all stacked against H. Is it fair to H, to the kids, and to their R?

It seems to me that you are setting this up for H to "fail" at this so you can say to yourself, "Ah, I was right about this all along!"

For what??! Just so you can feel smug and superior in the Parenting Stakes? This isn't the Preakness Stakes.

You may not always agree to H's parenting ways...yet he is their Dad. He may not always agree to your parenting ways...yet you're their Mom. As long as the kids aren't in danger, one wouldn't really care if H gives them Koolaid instead of healthy V-8 juice. See what I'm saying here?

I'd urge to take some time to really delve deeply into this stance of yours and reconsider it. I am thinking it is all about YOUR motherly instincts that are kicking in here...we all get that. But don't forget H in the equation as well as a father.

Like 25 said previously, it isn't bad at all that H wants to try to step up as a Dad. Good for him!


Wonka,

You are absolutely WRONG in this. Melissa's h is using the kids as a pawn and doesn't have their best interests at heart. Why are you berating her? Because she is trying to protect the children from a selfish control freak? you've done a lot of good in your previous threads to her. This one was absolutely rude.


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Brian,

We can agree to disagree here.

As you would agree, all of my questions are to nudge M into digging deeper and delving into her thought patterns. These questions are valid and reasonable to bring up here. You cannot ignore the fact that H is their Dad even if he is being a dickwad. The kids ARE NOT in a danger as far as we know here. I mean...what is the difference here when H was in the house and now that he's out of the house. M entrusted the kids to H when he was in the marital home...right? The only difference is that H's is really angry that M filed for S...and both Bug and I have been encouraging M to disengage herself from H's anger/rants.

Yes, it is uncomfortable to ask difficult questions here and I am not about to handle M with kid gloves just because I am firmly on her side. I am all the way.

The one thing we all agree here is that H is being a "dickwad" to borrow from one of Bets' gems. That doesn't change the fact that he is the childrens' father. Not one iota.

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Wonka, I love you, but you are way off base here.

First off, I cannot make any unilateral decisions about the kids. Nor could I block my H in having any say, even if I wanted to. The parenting plan is negotiated between the two of us, and, if we cannot agree, will ultimately be decided by a court. I hope that it will not come to that. We will see.

The reason for not having 50/50 parenting time NOW, is because it is a major disruption for the kids, and can be very stressful for them. I am saying this not just based on my Mom instincts, but on my discussions with child psychologists, my own C, and my L. When my kids start to see a C as well, her opinion will of course be paramount.

Kids are not an asset to be divided. They are people who have feelings, and neither my nor my H's desires or feelings are relevant at all. What is relevant is making sure that the kids are happy, healthy and well adjusted.

Quote:
It seems to me that you are setting this up for H to "fail" at this so you can say to yourself, "Ah, I was right about this all along!"


Not at all. I want my kids to have a good R with their Dad. It is very important to me. I have always wanted that, and I have always acted accordingly, when we were M and since BD.

Quote:
You may not always agree to H's parenting ways...yet he is their Dad. He may not always agree to your parenting ways...yet you're their Mom. As long as the kids aren't in danger, one wouldn't really care if H gives them Koolaid instead of healthy V-8 juice. See what I'm saying here?


Yep. And I don't say a word about the way my H parents them when it is his time with the kids. There are a lot more important things that are considered when we are taking about the best interests of the kids - not just what they drink.

Quote:
I'd urge to take some time to really delve deeply into this stance of yours and reconsider it.


I have delved very deeply and I know that I am doing what is right for my kids. It is not a selfish endeavor on my part. I am very comfortable with this.


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Originally Posted By: melissag
Originally Posted By: labug
Having a flexible plan is good.

How many hours/week do you spend with the kids-not counting sleeping?



What do you mean? Literally how many waking hours do I have with the kids?


Yes, I'm just wondering how you're seeing the 50/50, or whatever percentage comes up. Trying to envision it in my mind.

I think what you've proposed is a good transition. I think he should be included in the discussion with an objective third party and that the evaluation of how they're doing should be by the same objective third party.

Change is difficult for everyone, especially for kids as they have very little control of how their lives are planned. It was good that you opened up the conversation with them after the weekend with Dad. They might not have said much but at least they know they can talk about it with you and hopefully with Dad.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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