This ^^ suggestion was done before M revealed that her H cc'd her lawyers. Of course, this changes the equation completely. Yep, M doesn't have to respond to H! Sweet!
As far as custody goes, of course that is a big deal. That is something you fight like mad. The only reason he wants it (or is saying he wants it) is because it is another way to try to control you. Do you really think that is what he wants? No! He is just using your kids as pawns again.
Brian
The only reason a father would fight for custody of and time with his children is to control his W? This is certainly a possibility, but it's not only mind-reading, it's mind reading a complete stranger AND possibly fueling Melissa's fire. I don't think any of those are good ideas.
Mic posted in this thread that men typically go after their wives via the kids because that is the woman's weak point. Conversely, a man's weak point is money. Perhaps that is the norm, but I know that *MY* weak point is my kids. I have my whole life to earn money, but only 4 kids that are growing too fast. If XW wanted to hit me where it hurt the most, it would be with my ladies.
I do like what 25yearsmlc wrote about letting this play out:
Quote:
1) he realizes that child care costs and the hassle factor of having them that much, wakes him up to the reality that YOU will need to have them more than he does;
OR
2) he really steps up to the plate and becomes a better, more loving and selfless present, father...I mean, geez, would that be so terrible?
Melissa,
I think you're correct in that you need to get back on track. Detaching so his actions don't affect you is critical.
All the best,
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
There are so many things I could point out or argue or stick it to him,
OMG…I remember doing this…”let me point out just how crazy she is”…guess what? I did nothing but frustrate me. Continuing to think that he will be rational is pointless. Focus more on your sanity and the kids. Ignore his emails, text, or calls.
Quote:
but I think I will just agree not to take the kids out of school for the game.
If you want to take them to the game – take’em! Now if you don’t take them and have extra tickets…ummmm….can I get’em (that was a joke).
Have a good weekend!
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The only reason a father would fight for custody of and time with his children is to control his W? This is certainly a possibility, but it's not only mind-reading, it's mind reading a complete stranger AND possibly fueling Melissa's fire. I don't think any of those are good ideas.
I don't doubt that my H loves his kids. In reality, though, he has acknowledged that (like a lot of other men, not all though) he doesn't get the same joy out of them that I do. He has a lot less patience, and he views his own needs/happiness as paramount to theirs.
I spent a long while being upset by this - wishing for both the kids' sakes and his, that he would be different. I actually was recently coming around to accepting that he is just different than I am, and that's OK. It worked, because I enjoy spending time with the kids and I don't feel that they are preventing me from living my life, so it was OK for me to spend more time with them while he went out and did what he wanted.
After he moved out, he told me that he was considering how he really felt about the kids, and whether he is just too selfish to be a good father.
My H has terrible parenting role models, and I am not sure he has a good grasp of what a good father would be like.
I agree that we shouldn't be mind reading, but it's plainly obvious that my H is going for 50/50 in order to piss me off. He was fine with less until he got pissed off at me.
So, no, I don't think that he ONLY wants to see the kids to manipulate me, but he is quite definitely going at my achilles heel to try to spite me.
PM, I think it's awesome that you are so involved with your girls and derive so much joy from them. My H is not like quite the same - I think it may have to do with his narcissistic tendencies.
And I agree with 25 as well. If he does get 50/50 and becomes a great Dad, all the better for my kids.
I truly do have my kids' best interests in mind; I am going to see a child psych in about ten days, because it is important to me to make sure that I am not allowing my own desires/feelings to get in the way of what is best for them.
As for detaching . . . it's a work in progress for sure.
Here's what I have been mulling. I feel much more detached when H is being a jerk. When he is nice and charming, that is when I have a hard time, because I feel like I get sucked into seeing the H I thought he was and then I am disappointed that our M is over.
Do you think that means I am not truly detached at all? Ever?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
OMG…I remember doing this…”let me point out just how crazy she is”…guess what? I did nothing but frustrate me. Continuing to think that he will be rational is pointless.
Yes. I have figured this out. (Tested it a time or two fairly recently and still, nope.) I feel like I don't even want to speak to him - it's all just so pointless because everything I say, my H somehow twists into something self serving. I hope that at some point he will simmer down but for now I am really trying to keep it just to the facts.
Quote:
If you want to take them to the game – take’em! Now if you don’t take them and have extra tickets…ummmm….can I get’em (that was a joke).
I am going to take them. And there is no need to argue because they don't even have school. That's the funny part about it.
And I have season tickets, so anyone who wants to come to the best place on earth to watch a ball game, let me know!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Do you think that means I am not truly detached at all? Ever?
It is a process for all of us. You'll eventually get to the point where you won't care which direction H farts.
What if he farts in her general direction and says, "your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Melissag, I would like to respond - and will - but I don't have the time I would like to take to do so properly at the moment. I'll come back and respond unless one of the many much more intelligent members here addresses that post first.
Endure well! And pray for peace!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
BTW, Happy Friday!