It's cold out and I felt the need to post.

[iluvme55]

I found myself on this board many years ago, at first I just read alot then I actually posted my situation, I came here to see if there was a magic pill or a LRT I could do to fix my husband, my marriage but there isn't and there will never be one. It is a process that will take many years for it to come to pass, and in the meantime we still read and look in here to see if maybe just maybe there really is something that can be done for us to have our old life back pre MLC ,because it really wasn't that bad, but our ex's went on a journey and would never return the same as they used to be.
But one thing for sure we will at one point in this journey change as well, we become stronger than we thought we could ever be. I have cried many many tears not as much anymore but it took years to get to that point, Job has always said it will be up to the LBS whether we want our ex's back because to be honest the way my ex is now there is no way I would want him back she has him as he is now, and what I have seen he is not a nice person and I guess she must like him being the head of the home.
He is so arrogant,selfish,angry,full of himself,just not a very nice person or that is what he shows us , he might be different wiith her I dont know and don't care , all I know is every time he hurts our daughter's heart a little bit of the love that I used to have for him dies, I am to the point that if he came or wanted to come back he would have to do a lot of changing in order for me to even think about him coming back home.
All I know is that I don't want that kind of heart ache ever again in my life, it was too much to bear at times. I have made it to the other side of that mountain and deep dark valley and I like where I am now. He is the one who has to deal with all the pain and harm he has caused, one day God will reveal that to him and I hope and pray he can handle it , because he hurt the people he loved most in his life, so glad I was not the one who did all that.....
Just wanted to journal here tonight maybe it will help some one....God bless each and everyone of you and for all of you who still come here and give advice I pray your rewards will be many....Irma

[TL72*]

Thank you for posting Irma,
It stinks that there are so many of us going through the same sort of pain. I came here for the same reasons as you, as all of us. I guess it just helps to know you're not alone and to vent and to have someone else that understands. Trying to explain MLC to my family and friends, they just don't get it. They aren't in it and they haven't done the research and reading I have and anything I say comes off sounding sort of crazy or as an excuse or something. I find it best for me to come here where others know the same information. I feel the same way as you, if he were to ever come back (which I doubt) he would have to do a lot of changing. He's totally self absorbed right now and causing so much pain he doesn't even know about or care. Like you, I think the pain is too much to bear at times and I will have a hard time ever letting someone back in my life on that level. I pray that he finds his way back to the Lord, he's definitely not feeling it right now. I'm glad you posted, it sort of puts it in perspective for me that chances are, this will go on for years and I will never have that old life back. Trying to stay positive and know that the *new* life will be what I make it - a better one. I'll get there, just takes patience and trying to love myself instead of simmering in this anger and bitterness. I'm really trying to push that out. Take care and thanks again for posting. - Tina

[ericmsant2]

IRMA,

I like where I am now

And that is all that matters mama!

I'm happy for you!

[iluvme55]

Funny how when I come back in here to look around, it just breaks my heart to see new people trying to figure out wth happened.
Job amd many others have said there has to be a MLC Script that they follow,and it is so true.I just hope and pray that you don't wait as long as I have,it's been 7 yrs. for me since it started.
He has married the woman who he left me for,seems to be happy from what I understand.But I always told him from the beginning, in the end it will be the same story,just different characters,he still struggles with money, always has her family living with them at times,same old same old.
As for me I am so much better, I wondered if I would ever get to a happy place and I have.and I know some of the old timers here will maybe bash me for saying this but I am still a stander will be till the day I die.
Still pray for marriage restoration I am in it for the long haul.Even tho my name says Igaveup I have asked, i have begged God to release me from this stand, but he just won't, so I must be obedient to him and no one else.
I just pray God will not make you wait as long as I have, but if he does just be prepared for a long long road with lots of pain ,but I do want you to know God will never leave you nor forsake you,I am living proof of that.
God bless each and everyone of you but you will need to be strong, it's not an easy road, but my faith in God says that it will all be worth it one day.
Good luck to you all....Irma

[25yearsmlc]

Hi Igaveup

(I want to say to get a new screen name, but then, I don't know how one does that & still retains their DB identity, so maybe I ought to retract the suggestion...??)

ANYHOW, I think I actually remember you, or maybe it's the screen name b/c now I can't recall if you have kids.
In any case, like you', I've been here on this site, off & on, for quite awhile. I began before you, and reconciled for good with my h in late 2008.

Maritally speaking, I have been more fortunate than you. But I'm so very glad to see that you are happy where you are. That's KEY to DBing and in my opinion, it's really the key to living.

A few questions if you don't mind...

Funny how when I come back in here to look around, it just breaks my heart to see new people trying to figure out wth happened.
Job amd many others have said there has to be a MLC Script that they follow,and it is so true.I just hope and pray that you don't wait as long as I have,it's been 7 yrs. for me since it started.

Question, how have you changed within, since the ordeal began? Can you share what your flaws were before he left, versus how you worked on them to "become a woman that only a fool would leave"?

How Did the 180s work and how long did they take you to really implement? Did your h notice & acknowledge it? Why do you believe he chose to marry OW anyhow?

Do you have much contact with your ex h? How does that go for you both? And has he had children with his present wife? How are your kids handling her, if you have them?

He has married the woman who he left me for,seems to be happy from what I understand.


What does that^^ mean to you? Because, if you believe he is happy now, why would you want that marriage to also end? If it did end, what then?

I'm not condemning or "bashing" you at all. I'm simply asking what I assume are common questions that people may want to ask...but then don't.

But I always told him from the beginning, in the end it will be the same story,just different characters,he still struggles with money, always has her family living with them at times,same old same old.

Couple questions, why did you tell him that?

And are you saying HE has not changed at all? Okay so, do you want to be married to him as he is now? If so why?

Is it that you feel vindicated by rumors of his present choices being similar to some older choices he made (money problems, her family living with them?) but I'm not sure that's what you mean.

B/C he is married to another woman and "seems happy"...so vindicated is probably not the right term.

So, what do those facts confirm for you --e.g., to hear that money issues are still happening? I'm a little bit confused.


As for me I am so much better, I wondered if I would ever get to a happy place and I have.

WONDERFUL NEWS!!!

What is it that makes you happiest now? And what changes or actions did you make/take to get there?

Any wacky GAL activities to pass on? I have a long list.


and I know some of the old timers here will maybe bash me for saying this but I am still a stander will be till the day I die.


Yikes I think I"m an "Old timer" here!! SIGH....

Now, Why would an "old timer bash" you?

You fear they'd say you've been "standing" for too long and are "stuck/paralyzed/stubborn", or b/c he married another woman and that's kind of the FINALE & deal breaker, or what?

yes, I do have 2 concerns but hardly think that would mean I'm "bashing" you.
First, I am concerned that I can't find room for Free Will in your scenario b/c the wording you are using implies almost martyrdom on your end, as well as No choice in this. You do have choice. God is Not "making" you wait.

Plus I worry about how you said nothing about determining the difference between being obedient and being stubborn.
OR worse, that you are not just punishing yourself more and more and somehow finding delight in the suffering of it all....Not that you are playing the martyr, but for the sake of others here, maybe you can shed light on how it is that you are sure you are doing HIS will.

I know it can't be easy to "stand" for a marriage that has legally ended, not to mention that your former h has given his heart and word to another woman, in pubic, with vows.
I really believe it's important for you to lay out your reasoning. Others may all adopt your reasoning, but it helps to know what it is.

And there comes a time when we each learn the difference between giving up, and gracefully accepting our "FATE" (i.e., "God's will", "reality", etc). Each of us has to find that fine line and know which side to be in...

Okay so, What does the term "stander" ^^ look like to you? How do you know you will do it til you die, if your present choice is based on His will?
Isn't this kind of a "one day at a time" thing? Geez, that sure is how I got thru my 2 years.

Can't God decide that you have been "here" long enough? Might he think at some point, "okay, you have proved,,," whatever it is or "stood long enough"? (Might He?) What then?

You say God wants you to do this forever, no matter what. Naturally, I wonder how it is that you know this. IF HE wanted you to alter your course, How would you?
I'm not asking how you would know if you had been wrong in your interpretation of His will...but rather, what if HIS plan was for you to wait X years and THEN to accept it, and move on? Just asking how you'd see the stars change in alignment (not mocking you, actually just using the metaphor for illustrative purposes)

How does one know when it's God's will that I change MY Course/Plans?

If that day were to come, What would be different? How would you know?

Please don't get me wrong. I'm a believer in God. I pray a lot (seriously). I believe in it. But I pray for strength & dignity to face what comes, not specific choices to be made.

B/C Here's the thing. I'm just always on the lookout for my own will sticking its head in, or my fears, or MY own agenda, (conscious or otherwise) , disguising themselves as "God's will" to keep ME stuck, or prideful or self righteous, or whatever....

in other words, b/c I rationalize well, I often worry that what I tell myself is "the right thing", or "God's will" is in reality, just more of MY OWN stuff...

How do you guard against that?

And what if God wanted you to accept the semi-new reality of your divorce and your h's remarriage and yet also, for you to be happy anyway? What would that look like?

Hypothetically, could you see the value of someone (not necessarily you) having stood for a very long time, then at some point saying "Enough" and then moving on, to a happier life - without 'waiting' or 'standing' for someone else any longer? What if that person were to go on living as fully as she can and was happy?

Let's say it's you (for the sake of discussion- and so I don't have to keep changing pronouns as I write this ...

So let's say you believe God told you "okay you proved your point and you only have one life, so make the most of it and go out and LOVE again, and so on."

What if His will was for you to move on & perhaps even open your heart to another man, perhaps a lonely man with a wounded heart, ...maybe a man who needs someone just like you, to help him heal...I'm also asking you, "don't you ever wonder?"

Still pray for marriage restoration I am in it for the long haul.Even tho my name says Igaveup I have asked, i have begged God to release me from this stand, but he just won't, so I must be obedient to him and no one else.

see above...

What role does Free Will have in all this, If any?

Do you think you sincerely wish to be released? Guard against a choice based, in reality, on the fact that it's easier to remain in the pain we know, (especially since you now know it's survivable) than to venture out into the great and terrifying unknown.

After all, if you were to date again, you might love another man and then, What if that man rejected you as well? What if you opened your heart again only to have it hurt again? Isn't that a choice we make every day, to an extent?

Would that somehow be worse than living for years waiting for another marriage to end, only so you can have that man back again?

Because your version of standing requires that another couple suffers, and another family dies and another marriage ends. And I don't know if they have children but if so, that's even worse.

How could God want you to base your whole & future love life on the hopes of someone else's pain and misery?

I don't ask you these questions to frustrate or irritate or hurt you. And I hope they have not. But they are questions anyone ought to ask themselves when their former spouse contemplates marriage to another.

When is it clear that something has ended (by God's hand OR by man's) short of death? For me, marrying another woman would for sure end my interest in my h.
I do NOT mean to impose my personal preferenes on you although I worry that some folks here stand and what they mean is they stand still. They fear change or searching (within) more than anything...

If my h and I had ended in divorce and he remarried, and if that marriage ended later on, and I happened to be available and if he had done the work he needed and if I had as well, MAYBE....but I cannot believe that God would want me to hope for that b/c of the inherent pain others would have to endure for MY wish to come true.

A bit like wishing they'd get cancer & die so I can go back to my old life...


I just pray God will not make you wait as long as I have,

You do know that God's not "MAKING" You wait...right? Just an odd word choice.


but if he does just be prepared for a long long road with lots of pain ,but I do want you to know God will never leave you nor forsake you,I am living proof of that.

God bless each and everyone of you but you will need to be strong, it's not an easy road, but my faith in God says that it will all be worth it one day.
Good luck to you all....Irma

I look forward to your thoughts. Thanks in advance for your time.

[Cadet]

Hey Irma

You never know someone might come along and like your cooking!
I happen to know that it is pretty good!
Even though I have not tasted it.

Thanks for checking in.