I've been lurking on here for a few weeks now, but this is my first post. I'll try to give a little backstory without being too wordy. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 2; my second marriage, his first. We met in his home state in the Midwest, but have been living in the Northeast where my family is from for the past 7 years. No kids, though we have been dealing with infertility since shortly after we were married, which I consider an added stressor on our relationship. About a year ago, we came to the mutual decision for my husband to quit his full time job and pursue his dream (in a professional sport). He had been competing for about 5 years previously at an amateur level and was doing quite well, putting in long hours training and was beginning to draw notice in our area. It was difficult for him to put in the necessary hours as well as maintain his day job, so I agreed to support us financially (I work full time in the medical field and make decent money) while he concentrated all his time working at his sport professionally. We agreed that he would teach classes on the side to bring in a little extra money, and attempt to cut down on spending overall. Throughout our relationship, my H has always been terrible with money, but he agreed to let me control our finances and set a budget for spending to make things work on just my income. Things worked for a while but then began to go downhill. My H has always struggled with depression, and I noticed that he seemed to get more depressed and less and less motivated without a job with a set schedule. He began to train less and less, spent more time sitting on the couch. I found myself working full time and bearing the financial burden, as well as coming home and doing all of the housework besides. Though he won all of his first matches professionally, he suffered a shoulder injury early last fall that caused him to have to take several weeks off, and even after he went back, wasn’t able to put the time in that he needs to really be successful in his sport. I tried to be understanding, knowing that he was depressed, but he refused to see a doctor, resume the medication that he had had success with previously, or seek any other type of help. I began to really feel resentful of him over the fall, feeling that he wasn’t living up to the agreement we had made when he stopped working at his full time job. We began to spend more time apart, and communicated less and less. We fought often. Over the fall he began to mention moving out for a few months, stating that he felt trapped and needed to resume his independence by living on his own, but then wouldn’t bring it up again for weeks at a time. In Dec. he took a trip back to his home state for Christmas and stayed with his parents for nearly a month. While he was gone, I noticed that he began to mention a girl that he used to date before we were together who still lives in his home state. At first I wasn’t concerned, as he had kept in touch with her over the years, but I became suspicious when he mentioned that they had hung out on several occasions when he was away. When he returned he seemed very distant, and the day after we got back we had a blowout fight, in which he dropped the infamous ILYBINILWY line and said he didn’t want to be married any more and wanted to move back to his home state. I was very suspicious of at least an EA with his ex girlfriend, and though he denied it, he did say that he had a great time with her over Christmas, and it was nice to hang out with a female that didn’t nag and complain to him. I don’t think there was a PA but I’m not completely sure. Over the next month I made a lot of mistakes, the typical crying and pleading. My H moved to the guest bedroom. Fortunately I got DR and tried to apply the tactics to my situation. I tried to be upbeat and pleasant but detached and kept busy working on myself, working and hanging out with friends and family. About two weeks ago, my H had an appointment about his shoulder and ended up getting a diagnosis that he was very upset about (which would put him out of his sport for 6mo-year). He pretty consistently blames me for everything, and somehow this was my fault too; we ended up getting into a huge fight and during it, he said that he was going to leave permanently and move back to his home state. I did everything wrong, first pleading with him to stay and then getting other family members involved to try to talk him out of it. After this fight we didn’t talk for a few days, then we ended up having (what I thought was) a great talk that he initiated. He told me that he felt like we needed space and he was going to move out and stay at a friend’s house (in our town) for a month or two, then we would try to work on our relationship. I felt so hopeful and pleased that he was willing to try. He packed up a couple bags and left about a week later. I was planning on giving him space, not texting or calling first, etc. But the day after he left the house, he called me while I was at the gym and told me that he was at the airport, about to board a flight (with our two cats) and was returning to his home state for good. He said he had been planning on leaving for good for at least a month, and the whole talk about him going to his friends house for space was a lie so I wouldn’t stop him from going and taking the cats. I was completely shocked and overwhelmed. He says he wants a divorce but has not filed yet. He has been gone for about a week. I’m attempting not call him or text him. I haven’t seen any stories like mine on here, with a spouse leaving so abruptly. I love him but I have no idea if this is even worth trying to save. Any advice?
I haven’t seen any stories like mine on here, with a spouse leaving so abruptly.
I have, Scorp7 is one that comes to mind. His W was cheery when she saw him off that morning, when he got home that evening she was packed up and gone along with their 3 kids.
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I love him but I have no idea if this is even worth trying to save. Any advice?
There are no guarantees, but there are MANY marriages that have been saved through DB'ing. Give him time and space (which ironically is easier when they move to another state). Based on your post I'd have to say that a lot of his unhappiness probably revolves around giving up his career for his sport (is it ultimate fighting perhaps? Something about your description made me think that's what it is) and then his inability to compete in the sport due to injury. That has no doubt crushed a lot of his short term goals and dreams. Often when this happens, the spouse becomes a lightning rod for every problem in the WAS's life. So the LBS gives time and space in the hopes that the WAS will realize they are STILL unhappy, and that the LBS wasn't the cause after all. Then they will hopefully begin the hard work of looking within themselves to find their happiness. Sometimes when they complete that journey they come back. But until then, don't wait for him. Get busy living YOUR life. You might WANT him, but you don't NEED him. You need to find your happiness within yourself too. That's your journey. Good luck!
Thanks for replying. Yes AnotherStander, my H's sport is ultimate fighting. I totally agree with your point that a lot of his unhappiness stems from leaving his career for fighting full time; even though its what he loves to do, he did mention to me a couple days ago that not making a regular paycheck to contribute to the household and not having regular work hours made him feel more depressed, the fact that I was paying all the bills made him feel like less of a man. I haven't posted again over the last few days because I wanted to give myself time to think about something other than my marriage and my H. In the mean time, I've been working, spending time with friends and family, and going to the gym. Mentally, I feel like I'm in a better place. Additionally I have done my best to detach and let my husband cool off, and it's been going really well. So well, in fact, that he has been calling me and FaceTiming most nights. He told me that he misses me, and the other day before I hung up he told me he loves me--something he hasn't said since early December. I've also gotten a lot of insight on why he felt like he had to leave for things to change. I've always been a very take charge person, and he said he felt like he had no say in our relationship: when we moved in together, when we got engaged, etc. That slowly made him resent me, which I understand, I just wish he had have said something before things got to this point. In our conversations over the last few days, he keeps saying that he wants to start over, as in get divorced but stay in a relationship, live apart for a while and then go from there. He says that he would feel less like he "has" to be in a relationship with me and more like he has a choice if we aren't married. Does anyone have any ideas on this? I hate the idea of getting divorced, but the important thing to me is to continue a relationship with my H.
I also forgot to mention that my H has gone to AZ to get physical therapy on his shoulder, he is staying with a friend and he will be there at least a month. He has mentioned a few times in the last few days that he wants me to come and visit him there so we can spend some time together. I really want to but I don't know if this is a good idea? Things are going well right now but we have only been apart for about two and a half weeks. If I went to see him, it would be about 3 weeks from now, and I probably would only plan to go for 3 or 4 days.
I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me. My H and I have been getting along quite well...I'm letting him make most of the contact, and I don't always answer back, but he is either texting or calling me most days. At first, a couple of weeks ago, he wasn't completely sure that me visiting him was a good idea, but then last week he said that he thought it over and he wanted me to visit. He said that he still isn't sure what he wants to do, in regards to our relationship, and he's hoping that seeing me will give him some clarity on if he is still in love with me or if we are better off as friends. So, even though I'm apprehensive about this, I bought a plane ticket and made hotel reservations; I will be visiting him for 3 days. Beyond no relationship talk, and remaining upbeat and acting like the person he fell in love with, is there anything I should do or focus on?
I was wondering if anyone has any advice. My H and I have been getting along quite well over the last couple of weeks. He usually initiates the contact, and I don't always respond, but we have been talking or texting most days. It was kind of up the in the air for a few days of whether or not I should go to visit H, as he is out of state; I asked him if we could see each other in a moment of weakness, and he was kind of wishy washy about it saying that he thought it was too soon to see each other, so I dropped the idea. Then last week, he called and asked if I would come out to visit him for a couple of days. He says he misses me, and he thinks that seeing him will help him decide what he wants from our relationship...if he is still in love with me, or if he just wants to be friends. So I will be traveling to see him for 3 days in a week and a half. Beyond acting happy and upbeat, and avoiding relationship talks, does anyone have any advice for my time with him? I'm very nervous of doing something to mess this up.
Your situation resonated with me. I'm still trying to save my marriage for perhaps I'm not in the best position to be giving advice, but... I would take things slow and re read Sandi2 37 rules before you go, the communication tips should be especially useful. I hope you get some other reply's too. Best of luck!
