I got into an EA with a coworker about 18 months ago. It ended when I discovered by W's EA/PA in Sept. I started to encourage my W to flirt with others in Aug.- out of guilt mostly. I can't tell you what I was thinking...I wasn't. After starting to see IC in October, I was diagnosed with depression (had suicidal thoughts off and on since high school). The men on my dad's side all alcoholics (how they coped with their depression). I, gladly, am not.
W tried to break her A, since it has gone underground. She says she has "strong feelings" for him, but the affair is over, but I know it's not. She has been in IC for four years dealing with her abuse from her father...she had to testify to put him in jail for abusing our niece. I internalized everything, leading me to withdraw from our M over the last few years, which left me vulnerable to EA that I sincerely regret. Now, W wants to be "in love" with me again, but can't get "the spark" back and has talked D. We've been in MC since Oct. but she wants a new one or none at all. We sort of separated in Jan. but are back in house. Doing things together, family activities, etc. From the outside, it's more than others here are lucky to have, but at the least, she still has an EA going on as she's confirmed with her feelings for OM as recently as three weeks ago. I'll stop there for now- been lurking on here for a couple months, doing 180s, GAL, and with meds, have a much better PMA about everything. She says she loves my changes, but doesn't trust them, and doesn't think her feelings for me will come back. Divorce books are in the house, but I don't ask her about them.
I know my part in this. I own it, I regret it, I've apologized often. Now she's on her journey...exacerbated by the trauma from her childhood. Thanks for the space to vent.
I am sorry for what you are going through. If you haven't read Divorce Remedy, that would be a good start and addition to the other 'divorce' books lying around. I also suggest you read the Sex Starved Marriage. But for immediate direction on how to get your marriage back on track, there is nothing like talking to one of the DB coaches. They are experts in helping you get clarity on what you need to do, so that she does trust that the changes are permanent. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
It's just strange that during the separation (we exchanged nights at other friends houses so as not to disrupt the kids much) we spent much time together...like she didn't want me around (needed some space line) but didn't want me too far away either. She "says" she is working on the M through her IC but what she "does" (has books on "good divorce" and "mom's house, dad's house") are opposite.
We talk- communicating better than in years- but there are those unspoken secrets. My IC thinks I need to force some conflict, but everything I've read on here re: Sandi's rules, etc. have been what I've been following more. I don't want to fear her reaction from asking about the divorce books, but the truth is, I do a bit. I don't want to pressure her, but I feel that if the A is still going those feelings for OM are getting entrenched despite my 180s. Just two days ago she said, "you are a new man." I guess she still needs more time to believe. It's mind-reading, I know.
We are skiing with her family this weekend, went with just our boys last weekend, but despite me "becoming the husband I've always wanted, why can't I be happy?" It is a roller coaster.
Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do, right? I shouldn't pressure for another MC even though my IC thinks I should then? I don't believe MC will do any good until the affair is over, and despite what my W says- I don't believe it is. I am just having a tough time trying to detach while in-house. It seems things go well for a couple weeks, then she's cold again. DBing is so tough because I want to cause some conflict and do a temp. check. I don't want a D, but I hate this limbo.
So she asked for a divorce a few days ago. I told her it's not what I wanted, but I won't stand in her way. If I want this to reconcile in the future (part of me does, but part of me knows I will be ok without her), do I at any point mention that I know her EA/PA was continuing? I feel like that "truth" should be out there. Or do I just never say anything until she brings it up some day? This whole thing [censored]. I wish I'd never got caught up in what I did, so I know I own 50%. Can any vets let me know their opinions on breaching the OM topic please?
Ask yourself...What would voicing the affair do to the situation? Would it change anything? More then likely, just cause her to be on the defensive and drive her more towards OM. Worry about only the things you can control. You can't control what she does so my advice is to let it go. If you do end up getting a divorce, it still doesn't mean you don't get back together. Keep being the better person you want to be. Let her continue to see it. She will be done with the OM on her time and ONLY then. Just keep focusing on you.
Brian- Thank you, that makes sense. There really is no point as it won't change the outcome and may only drive her closer to OM. This is crazy-- I've changed so much, yet know I still have more growth to do. I can't control the work she needs to do, and really, only until we both have done our work will we ever be able to attempt another R (if we both want it at that given time). I'm just so sad for my sons having to pay for the mistakes of their parents. I guess being the best dad is the only thing I can control now, though.
You do not mention EA/PA to W. Nothing to be gained there at all. Nothing.
If you have concrete proof of PA, you should share that with your L as it might give you some leverage in D negotiations later on if it gets to that point.
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DBing is so tough because I want to cause some conflict and do a temp. check. I don't want a D, but I hate this limbo.
Yes, it is the toughest thing you will ever do. And I'm not just saying that. It is hard. And it is hard because you have to learn to stow that urge to "cause some conflict". Conflict is your enemy. A powerful enemy that you shouldn't toy with. You want the opposite of conflict. Limbo is not fun, but it is better than conflict. Limbo gives you time. Time is your friend.
DB can teach you that, but it will take extreme will power to suppress what you think is "right".
Forget the OM. Seriously, that is the assignment. The OM is not your problem, simply because he is not there for you to fight.
You must accept the fact that the OM exists, but is not in your sphere of influence. Concentrate on what you control - you. Not W, not OM.
So she asked for a divorce a few days ago. I told her it's not what I wanted, but I won't stand in her way.
Good job! Now, let her do all the work. If she asks you for specific info then provide it in a timely manner, but don't assist beyond that. You may find that she doesn't ever bother starting the paperwork, especially if you stick to your DB'ing and remove all pressure from her.
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If I want this to reconcile in the future (part of me does, but part of me knows I will be ok without her), do I at any point mention that I know her EA/PA was continuing?
I agree with Brian and Zew, exposing the affair only fosters resentment in the WAS and drives them deeper undercover. Don't pretend you don't know anything, but don't confront her about it either. If SHE wants to reconcile, THEN it's time to lay out some boundaries regarding no contact with OM, access to her phone and email, etc.
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Or do I just never say anything until she brings it up some day?
If she brings it up then just act like it's old news.
Thanks Zew and AS- I won't mention it until she does (and I know she may never). AS- I'm letting her do all the work. She is figuring out how she can afford the house, figuring out custody (50/50), and getting all the paperwork and finances in a row. That she is going this far makes me realize that filing isn't far away. She said she wants to come to an agreement to take to a L together to make things as easy and amicable. I've just validated her concerns and made no movements towards anything else. I've heard "I love you and will always love you"-- sure doesn't make sense to me that she wants D. But I know nothing can really be done as long as her "feelings" for OM are so "strong". I don't have concrete proof and won't snoop to find it. Her actions have been proof enough.
